Omega: What up, damn it! Even technology can’t capture my perfect voice properly. Welcome to TOTAL MADNESS ya punk ass mothafuckahs! It’s the greatest of all time comin’ to ya live from the announce end of the field along with color commentator Purgatory here….
Purgatory: Stand in the back! There’s a hurricane comin’ through! Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa….Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa….
Omega: We got a whole bunch of shit goin’ down tonight as the pretender to my fuckin’ throne William McConnell puts the big one up against Canadian-cut-copycat my haircut and yours, Kurt Angle, in a Barbed Wire Cage Match.
Purgatory: I miss the teeny-tiny cowboy hat. It’s true. It’s damn true. Another cage constructed by yours truly. Let’s see if Psyko and The Olympic Hero put it to good use.
Omega: We also got….what the hell? Sabu and New Jack in a seven minutes of hell match? What the fuck?
Purgatory: I wonder what’s gonna happen there?
Omega: I know what’s gonna happen. I ain’t callin’ that bullshit. Fuck a EWA first. EWA can carry my big dick as luggage it they think I’m gonna go near that.
Purgatory: Fatal 4 Way now turned elimination with Beaver and Ahmed Johnson defending against L&L, D&P, RVD&JC, & letters that run out right now, EWA Championship, EWA X Championship, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, the following is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!
(“Glass Shatters” by Disturbed hits as Austin makes his way down to the ring)
Omega: Time is too fuckin’ quick fo slow bastards.
Announcer: First, introducing from Victoria, Texas. Weighing in at 252 pounds….”STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN!
Omega: Wanna-be me makes his way down here as fast as his bad knees can carry his ass and this mothafuckah has recently gone from “hot” to not.
Purgatory: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
Omega: Seemed like the World Title shot this fuck had in his return drained his ass. He hasn’t been seen since. Promo writer is either lazy or this fuck throwin’ a Big D style hissy fit ‘cause he lost. Fuckin’ get over it. I did.
Purgatory: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
Omega: You just said that, jackass.
Purgatory: Oh yeah. Let’s see if Stone Cold can pull a Benoit and prove you wrong, Omega.
Omega: Yeah? Wait ‘till he finds out I drunk all his beer.
(“The Perfect Storm/WCW theme” plays throughout the arena)
Announcer: And now, introducing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Weighing in at 2….LANCE STORM!
Purgatory: I haven’t heard this in a while.
Omega: The obvious rip-off of the ECW main theme music is playing for Lance Storm as he makes his way down to the ring. I thought Lance was gone.
Purgatory: The last thing Miami needs is to hear “Storm” but Storm would seem to be given one last chance. Let’s see if he’s flushed or comes out for war tonight.
Omega: Smart move by Austin. He’s jumpin’ Storm somethin’ fierce and there goes the bell like it really matters. Prematurely, I might add. Yo bell-ringer! You fucked up! Where’s Cannonball, ya blind fuck?
Purgatory: Stone Cold is stompin’ a mud hole in Lance Storm and walkin’ it dry! Greetings from the black 200X Resistol hat!
Omega: Would ya say somethin’ that’s considered commentary?
(“When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000 plays throughout the arena)
Purgatory: Here comes Cannonbal cannonballin’ out of the entrance and aimin’ to make a cannonball-like impact in the ring. Who’s that girl over there? PUPPIES!
Omega: All 320 pounds of Moscow, Russia native Cannonball barreling down to the inside of the ring and we gotta stop with the gun references now or keep it up entire match. Cannonball is in!
Steve Austin Vs Lance Storm Vs Cannonball
Omega: STUNNER! Cannonball is flat the fuck out! That quick, Austin hit the Stunner and BAM! Lance Storm hits a not-to-shabby superkick! Cover! One! Two! Austin kicks out!
Purgatory: No way that was gonna happen. OH MY GOD!
Purgatory: Nothing. ROCKET BUSTER!
Omega: What the hell are you talkin’ about? Storm with a standing toe hold. Nice strategy by Storm in trying to outwrestle Austin.
Purgatory: Austin’s in a Texas-sized state of hurt. I’m Mean Gene Okerlund and welcome….to Confidential.
Omega: Cannonball is standing on the outside lookin’ mighty pissed. He gets in. Big time running lariat to Storm!
Purgatory: Storm is headless.
Omega: And this shit is pointless. Cannonball’s got Austin and has a STF on him and this bullshit had gone on long enough. None of these fucks cut one promo and it’s time to pay the price.
Purgatory: What do you mean by that?
(“No Chance” by Dope starts to play out)
Omega: Who do we have here? SARA MCMAHON? I really didn’t know this was gonna happen.
Purgatory: This bullshit story is being brought to you by Omega. Omega. The seven foot five man with the seventy-five foot mouth.
Omega: Sara in the ring and she cold clocks Cannonball right behind the head! She nails Austin as well! Lance walks up and wonders what? Wonders what the fuck he just got hit with!
Purgatory: I can’t tell if she had something in her hand or not.
Omega: The ref is givin’ the count. One….two….three….four….five….six….seven….eight….nine….TEN! These three just got knocked the fuck out by Sara McMahon! In case no one heard me, AUSTIN, CANNONBALL, AND LANCE STORM JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT BY A GIRL!
Announcer: Ladies And Gentlemen, this match has been declared a NO CONTEST!
Purgatory: Three men just got introduced to one of the extreme ladies of the EWA.
Omega: Fuck that. Maybe know that these three got bitched by a bitch, they’ll snap out of whatever the fuck they were in or be like Vince to pandas and get the “F” out.
Purgatory: Sara making her return known big time here. Another ordinary female manager? I don’t think so.
Omega: Before we get to the next match, do we have to read this shit?
Purgatory: All announcers do.
Omega: I feel like a fuckin’ sell out. Tonight. EWA Total Madness is being brought to you by EWA Blaze And Glory II out now for the Nintendo GameCube, PlayStation 2, and X-Box.
Purgatory: And tonight’s event is also being brought to you by Bo Jackson’s BetterBar. Looking for a healthy alternative to candy bars? Then check out Bo Jackson’s BetterBar at stores today. For more information on this product, check out www.betterbar.com.
Omega: Now that all companies are happy and shit about their plugs, there’s no way in hell I’m callin’ this seven minutes of hell. Fuck ’em. EWA better think of something fast ’cause I ain’t sayin’ shit.
Purgatory: I don’t wanna commentate either. These two have no business going against one another. It stinks.
Joey: Since Mark & Rhino aren’t around… Me and Kent will be handling these next two matches…
Kent: I’m so glad for this chance…
Joey: So I say… LETS NOW TAKE IT… TO THE EXTREME…
Seven Minutes of Hell
Sabu Vs New Jack
Pa Announcer: This next match is SEVEN MINUTES IN HELL… Each minute something will happen in the ring… Now introducing the Participants… First from Bombay, MI… This is SABU…
(Sabu’s theme hits as he makes his way out to the ring…)
Pa Announcer: His opponent… From LA, California… NEW JACK…
(“187” hits as he makes his way to the ring…)
Joey: Here we go… The Bell has sounded and this match is underway… Sabu with a dropkick to the nuts of New Jack…
Kent: That’s gotta hurt…
Joey: I bet it did…
Kent: Sabu slams him down to the canvas… Standing moonsault on to New Jack…
Joey: Subway just threw Sabu a trash can…
Kent: I wonder what’s gonna happen now… Leg Drop with the trash can by Sabu…
(Crowd Chants 3….2….1…)
Joey: HERE COME THE THUMBTACKS…
Kent: Look at the scared up maniac is ducking out of the way…
Joey: Sabu is ascending the top rope… Moonsault… Misses and Sabu lands right on to the thumbtacks…
Kent: Doesn’t he know… Everywhere you go you are gonna an ass full of thumbtacks…
Joey: New Jack now has a guitar and cracks it over the back of Sabu…
(Crowd Counts 3….2….1…)
Joey: THE ROPES ARE ON FIRE THE ROPES ARE ON FIRE… Half of The Ring is on Fire…
Kent: Control yourself man… Control yourself…
Joey: I’m trying… Its just so reminds me of the days of ECW that’s all… New Jack Whips Sabu in to the ropes… Sabu reverses and sends New Jack in the flaming ropes…
Kent: Now its getting interesting…
Joey: STOP DROP AND ROLL… STOP DROP AND ROLL…Fire Safety Rule Number One…
(Crowd Counts 3…2…1…)
Joey: The ropes that were burnt are now barbed wire… You like that Kent..
Kent: Not really… It can harm the wrestlers…
Joey: Subway throws a chair in to Sabu… Sabu ties up New Jack in the barbed wire ropes…
Kent: Sabu is asking for another one…
Joey: Sabu is flying… On AIR SABU… Right in to New Jack…
Kent: These two men are taking it to one another…
(Crowd Counts 3…2…1…)
Joey: The Iron Toothbrush…Is Sabu gonna brush New Jacks Teeth…
Kent: It’s not a real toothbrush…
Joey: But it looks like one… See… Sabu is rubbing the top of new jacks head in to it…
Kent: Which has totally ripped open the head of New Jack…Its getting bloody now…
Joey: Looks like they have another weapon of destruction…
(Crowd Counts 3…2…1…)
Joey: It’s the BED OF HELL… And its now in the ring…
Kent: Who ever goes through it… Its gonna be in the hospital for a long, long time…
Joey: Sabu is laying him out on it…
Kent: Now where is Sabu going…
Joey: He’s on the top rope… New Jack gets up… And throws Sabu right in to the Bed Of Hell…
Kent: New Jack is the only one left standing…
(Crowd Chants 3…2…1… And Big Fireworks Explosion is heard…)
Joey: It’s Over this Seven Minutes of Hell is finally over…
Kent: I gotta say this is a close match up…
Pa Announcer: The winner is New Jack…
Joey: I enjoyed myself with this match how bout you….
Kent: It was very good…
Joey: Let’s get to the ring again now… For more action…
Pa Announcer: This next match is a FOUR WAY DANCE… For the eWa Tag Team Championship… Introducing first… The Challengers… First Representing Degeneration X… The Team of Justin Credible and Rob Van Dam…
(“Walk/Dx” Remix hits as they make their way out to the ring…)
Pa Announcer: Their opponents… Making their return to the Extreme Wrestling Alliance… DRAGON and PRODIGY…
(“Cowboys From Hell” by Pantera hits as they make their way to the ring…)
Pa Announcer: Their Opponents… The Team of Lenny and Lodi…
(L&L’s theme hits as they make their way to the ring…)
Pa Announcer: And their opponents… The eWa Tag Team Champions… Beaver… And his partner… AHMED JOHNSON…
(Beaver’s theme hits as they make their way out to the ring…)
Four Way Dance for the eWa Tag Team Title Match
Beaver & Ahmed Johnson(c) Vs Rob Van Dam & Justin Credible Vs Dragon & Prodigy Vs Lenny & Lodi
Joey: Here we go… Rules are real simple… Elimination style match up…
Kent: So it’s basically a four corners match…
Joey: Yes Kent you are exactly correct… Ahmed Johnson and Lenny will start things out… Lenny runs in to the big man Ahmed Johnson and hits the mat hard…
Kent: He bounced off that canvas…
Joey: Ahmed Johnson picks up Lenny in a military press slam…
Kent: Lodi is in the ring… Lodi nails Ahmed with a dropkick…
Joey: Cover by Lenny 1………….2……….. Kick out by Ahmed Johnson… Lenny now posing…
Kent: Which is a big and I mean big mistake…
Joey: Lenny runs off the ropes now… Goes for a clothesline… Ducked by Ahmed Johnson… Spinebuster by Ahmed Johnson…
Kent: Ahmed now makes the tag to Beaver now…
Joey: Beaver has Lenny up in the Beaver Dam… And he now connects with the Beaver Dam…
Kent: Lenny is down and out…
Joey: Lodi won’t let a pin fall happen as he comes in the ring and is attacking Beaver…
Kent: Lodi jumps on the back of Beaver… Beaver flips Lodi over the top of his head…
Joey: And The Two other teams just wait in the wings and watch what is going down…
Kent: Beaver now ducks hooks up Lenny for a Jumping DDT.…
Joey: It’s gonna be over 1……………2…………3…….
Pa Announcer: Lenny and Lodi have been eliminated…
Kent: It’s down to three teams now…
Joey: And the former Champions don’t waist anytime going after Beaver… Dragon nails him with a big clothesline… Cover by Dragon 1…………..2……….. Kick out by Beaver…
Kent: Dragon and Prodigy along with Rob Van Dam and Justin Credible have been tag team champions in the past….
Joey: And could be tonight… The new Tag Team Champions… Dragon though hooked up Beaver and nailed his with a belly to belly suplex… Dragon goes for another cover on Beaver…1………..2…………….. Another kick out by Beaver…
Kent: Dragon now makes the tag to Prodigy…
Joey: Prodigy goes for a big splash and he connects… Another cover this time by Prodigy 1……………2…………. Ahmed Johnson breaks it up…
Kent: Nice save there by Ahmed Johnson…
Joey: Prodigy whips him now in to the ropes…
Kent: RVD snuck a tag in there on the back of Beaver…
Joey: And Prodigy does not see… RVD on the rope… Prodigy turns around… Flying Cross Body by Rob Van Dam on Prodigy… Cover 1……………………….2……. Prodigy is able to kick out…
Kent: Van Dam now with stiff kicks to the chest of Prodigy…
Joey: Van Dam sends him in… Reversal by Prodigy… Goes for a clothesline… RVD comes back off and nails him with a spin kick…
Kent: RVD now tags in Justin Credible… And they now hook up Prodigy and nail him with a double suplex…
Joey: Justin Credible now with a cover 1……………….2……….. Kick out by Prodigy….
Kent: On the apron Beaver is now getting his wind back… After taking some punishment from Dragon and Prodigy…
Joey: RVD leaps off the top rope… Flying Side Kick to Dragon… Who didn’t see it coming…
Kent: He has taken Dragon out of this match up…
Joey: Justin Credible delivers a superkick right to the Jaw of Prodigy…
Kent: RVD is now tagged in…
Joey:RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Prodigy… Cover 1…………..2………..3……
Pa Announcer: Dragon and Prodigy have been eliminated…
Kent: Two teams are left now…
Joey: Beaver with a quick roll up on RVD… 1………………………2…………… Van Dam kicks out… RVD with forearm shots to Beaver… And he whips him in to the ropes… And misses a clothesline…
Kent: Beaver nails Van Dam with a bulldog… And quickly covers him 1…………..2………. And Van Dam kicks out again….
Joey: Beaver is now double teaming RVD with Ahmed in the corner… Beaver is still the legal man… And sets him up on the top rope…
Kent: Van Dam pushes him off…
Joey: Could be another Five Star… No… Ahmed Johnson pushes him off…
Kent: Justin Credible comes in and goes after Ahmed…
Joey: The Ref is holding back Justin Credible…
Kent: Pearl River Plunge by Ahmed Johnson to RVD…
Joey: Ahmed puts Beaver on top of Van Dam… 1………………..2…………………..3….
Pa Announcer: Here is your winners and STILL eWa Tag Team Champions… Beaver and Ahmed Johnson…
Kent: Van Dam and Credible came close… But it wasn’t enough tonight… Beaver and Ahmed hold on to the gold…
Omega: Son bitches snuck in two matches on us. We back, mothafuckahs. It’s our time now.
Purgatory: It’s all good in the neighborhood. Come on announce guy, let’s get on with the show.
Announcer: The following match is for the EWA CHAMPIONSHIP!
(“B-B-B-Break It Down” cuts in the air and then, it’s immediately followed by the Drowning Pool version of “The Game”)
Announcer: Now coming to the ring….weighing in at 240 pounds….from Greenwich, Connecticut….”The Game”….TRIPLE H!
Purgatory: Listen to all that love.
Omega: Yeah. Everybody and us to smell the suck all the way from here. Get some popcorn, Purg. This fuckin’ entrance is gonna take a good hour.
Purgatory: Triple H. Making his way to this ring to take on Chris Jericho for the EWA Championship. A WWE war brought here to the EWA.
Omega: Unlike in the WWE where Triple H held Jericho under a political thumb, if Jericho loses the gold, it’s his own fault. This place is different from most. Jericho loses, and its because he didn’t do what it took to measure up. You got different situations every now and then and the both of us have had our turn at the political wheel ourselves and sometimes….shit happens. This moment of babble is brought to you by the greatest of all time. It’s designed to waste time because this mothafuckah IS….STILL….ON….THE….OUTSIDE….OF….THE….GOD….DAMN….RING!
Purgatory: Triple H. Perhaps….PERHAPS! Maybe dude is playin’ the game.
Omega: Maybe he needs to fuckin’ get in there so we can have a match, damn it.
Purgatory: Triple H standing on the apron and SPEW! Water everywhere!
Omega: God damn, man. This fuckin’ entrance is takin’ forever. I’ve had matches quicker than this mothafuckin’ intro.
Purgatory: Triple H on the ropes, spreads his arms and….hey! Hi Hunter! What do you think he’s sayin’?
Omega: Who the fuck you talkin’ ta ya long-nosed faggot? Get your ass set fo some Jericho or keep runnin’ yo mouth and run into the big, bad consequence.
Purgatory: What I do?
Omega: I’m talkin’ to that fucker in the ring. Not you. Hell, I don’t have to have a reason to insult somebody. I do it ’cause I can.
Purgatory: Triple H wearin the game face ready to go here.
(The countdown starts and fireworks explode into “Break The Walls Down” as Y2J’s music begins playing)
eWa Championship Match
Chris Jericho(c) Vs Triple H
Announcer: And now introducing the champion….Weighing in at 227 pounds….From Winnepeg, Ontario, Canada….he is the current reigning EWA Champion….He is the living legend….CHRIS JERICHO!
Omega: If this guy is a living legend, that legend sucks to all hell.
Purgatory: The DX versus Outkastz war continues and right now, DX has all the guns.
Omega: Cripple H and FartBreak Kid have always held down the fort and RVD and Justin are comin’ back after I sent them home bitchin’ about injuries. Looks like Jay has mysteriously vanished again and now it’s up to Blake Bennit and Chris Jericho to carry the load. Hey guys, here’s a check. You’re doin’ a piss poor job, jackasses. But hey, don’t take it personal. Not everyone can make DX piss in their fuckin’ pants and like it like we can.
Purgatory: Jericho making his way to the ring. Fresh off a successful title defense against Rob Van Dam. Politics or conspiracy? Jericho defeats RVD and….meets another DX member. Hmmm.
Omega: That’s the way it is here, man. God damn it. Enough with the staring. Here we go. Bell sounds and it’s an exchange of fists.
Purgatory: Looks like DBZ in slow motion.
Omega: Jericho’s got it goin’ his way. Reds up Hunter’s chest with a chop!
Omega: Back Hunter into the corner. Unleashes one more.
Omega: Jericho slappin’ the shit outta Triple H and his chest. Whip out the corner. Reversal. That’s reversed. Triple H reverses. Duck under. Neckbreaker. So much for Jericho’s offense.
Omega: Triple H putting the boots to Jericho. Chokes him right in front of the ref.
Omega: Triple H using all the 5 count possible. He releases the hold and now, he stands Jericho.up into the corner. Triple H hammers away with rights. Since both these punks hit like bitches, I guess this would hurt everyone else in the EWA.
Omega: Can’t you say anythin’ else? Jericho’s fightin’ out but that’s stopped by a quick thumb to the eye. Triple H follows up with a knee buster. Early cover. Not even a one count. Triple H with another pick up. Going for a Russian Leg Sweep. Counter. BREAKDOWN by Jericho! Jericho hitting the BreakDown out of nowhere! One! Two! No!
Purgatory: Jericho’s turned this match around big time!
Omega: Man, talk about sounding like a mark. Jericho’s letting Hunter fight back up to his feet. Smart move by Jericho. Jericho locks in a sleeper. No, it’s a Sleeper Drop!
Purgatory: Doesn’t Jericho have a fancy name for that as well?
Omega: Fuck it. Jericho goes for a Lionsault. Triple H rolls out the way. Jericho lands on his….what happened?
Purgatory: As soon as Jericho landed on his feet, he held his leg. Wouldn’t it be something if Jericho tore his quad?
Omega: I don’t know what happen but Jericho went straight down and is flat down. The ref is askin’ Jericho what the deal is. Triple H smells blood. Goes over. Indian Deathlock? I thought he forgot that.
Purgatory: Jericho is screaming something fierce.
Omega: Jericho taps! We got a new EWA Champion!
Announcer: Here is your winner….AND NEW EWA CHAMPION….”THE GAME”…..TRIPLE H!
Purgatory: More gold in the DX stable and it looks like losing that Stable War lit a fire somewhere within DX!
Omega: As long as DX doesn’t fuck with us, they’ll be fine. Do we gotta have this? Here comes Shawn to give his buddy congrats up close and personal. Look at this God damn shit. What is this? Hug a friend ’cause he won some gold night?
Purgatory: Why don’t we ever hug like that?
Omega: Try it and you’ll be eatin’ boot, jackass. HBK raising the arm of the new holder of the EWA Championship and what the hell? Someone just shot right by us.
Purgatory: Invasion from Planet Stasiak!
Omega: Shawn Stasiak just shot by us with a chair! He rolls in! You dumb asses! The crowd ain’t cheerin’ for you two fags! MAN! Triple H has a new hat!
Purgatory: Sounded like a shotgun blast.
Omega: Michaels tries to react but he gets a taste of chair too! Cover! One! No! I guess we got our X Championship right here, right now!
eWa X Championship Match
Shawn Michaels(c) Vs Shawn Stasiak
Purgatory: It’s the battle of the Shawns! HBK has been caught completely off!
Omega: That’s the way Stasiak has to handle this. He has to catch FartBreak off guard to make it happen.
Purgatory: Meat. Hehehe….
Omega: Not as meaty as me.
Purgatory: Ground Beef Shawn is really workin’ over Source Of Blood Shawn here and Shawn rolls out the ring.
Omega: I don’t know what the fuck you talkin’ about but Shawn shows the smarts he’s gained by centuries spent in the ring and here comes that Planet guy.
Purgatory: The hospital people on standby using this time to remove Jericho from the ring.
Omega: It’s a God damn Shawn chase Shawn world. Fart’s in the ring. Planet rolls in. Elbow drop in the ribs and there’s the century of smarts again.
Purgatory: Shawn’s not that old, man. Shawn with a wrist lock and now, a few kicks to the living Slim Jim.
Omega: Shawn working over the son of Stan “I Was The Man Until Omega Came Along” Stasiak and yes, Shawn is gay. I agree with the fans.
Purgatory: I don’t know if he’s happy. He might still be feeling the Steve Borden of that chair and have the match his way. But happy? I don’t no.
Omega: I meant he’s a God damn flamin’ homosexual. He just won’t be like Lenny and Lodi and admit it.
Purgatory: Shawn picks up Stasiak. Jab, jab, jab. Stasiak blocks one but Shawn showing some speed of old and actually ducks the attempted tie up and lands another jab like he did with Austin and Tyson as referee.
Omega: HBK running around like and sayin’ bring it, ya slow punk. Where’s he goin’? Hey Shawn, don’t worry about Triple H gettin’ his ass forced backstage. You got a so-called athlete in there ready to take your title.
Purgatory: This never works. Triple H is going to the back and there’s nothing HBK can do about it.
Omega: See. That’s why he’s paying for it now. He got his fuckin’ head took off and now he’s lying in the corner gettin’ a damn mud hole stomped in him. Unless you’re me, you don’t take your eyes off the opponent.
Purgatory: The patented stomp in the corner!
Omega: Shawn picks up HBK and hip drops him out the corner. Michaels pops up. Clothesline right the fuck back down. And again. One more time.
Purgatory: Stasiak is on his game by getting HBK off his.
Omega: HBK all off and letting everyone know it sucks to be the FartBreak Gramps. Man, look how slow HBK is. It’s pathetic to see a mothafuckah like this put over me ’cause I’m too much man but hey, that’s the way it is. Stasiak’s got him in the neutral corner. Stasiak is killin’ this punk. I love it. Every now and then, you get that young athlete like Stasiak who goes in there and says fuck the script. It’s time to show old men like Shawn and injury prone fucks like Hunter to get the hell out the way ’cause there’s a new breed that’s gonna rip their spot straight outta that ass.
Purgatory: I’m not religious but amen.
Omega: Fartbreak now startin’ to fight back. Right handin’ his way outta the corner. Stasiak tries a counter. Over-swings. FALL-AWAY BACKDROP!
Purgatory: Shawn pulls his O. G. finisher out of nowhere!
Omega: HBK gettin’ his bearings. He leaps to the top. Big time elbow drop!
Purgatory: Shades of the Macho Man! OOOOHHHH YEAH!
Omega: Cover! One! Two! Stasiak kicks out!
Purgatory: Stasiak is givin’ one hell of a show here tonight. People held him back but now he’s showing with the right stage, he’s gonna give it.
Omega: Stasiak’s bleeding from the mouth. Shawn’s got a nasty cut above his right eye. At least they’ve got the marks of a EWA athlete now.
Purgatory: I think Heartbreak’s ready to put this away.
Omega: HBK stompin’. Why don’t you just yell COBRA and get it the fuck over with?
Omega: Dumb ass FartBreak Gramps stompin’ on the mat givin’ his position away. Warmin’ up the band. Here it comes….no! It’s caught! Shawn pushes Michaels around. INVERTED DDT!
Purgatory: An old Stasiak finisher!
Omega: Cover! One! Two! Kick out!
Purgatory: HBK isn’t done yet.
Omega: Stasiak isn’t waisting time. He picks up Michaels. FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX!
Purgatory: It’s the PerfectPlex! PerfectShawn? Curt Henning? Swat spat out gum and catch a towel behind a back!
Omega: It’s over! One! Two! Shawn slithers out. Lucky punk.
Purgatory: HBK pulling out all the tricks in this one to stay alive.
Omega: Stasiak may be getting frustrated but he keeps it up. He has Michaels hooked. MEATGRINDER!
Purgatory: That’s his end all be all.
Omega: One! Two! Three! What? FartBreak barely….and I mean barely kicked out.
Purgatory: Shawn pulled out whatever he had left but he’s done. You can see the look on his bloodied face. He’s spent and desperate for options to somehow win this match.
Omega: Stasiak isn’t givin’ him time to think. Slow mothafuckahs like HBK make me sick to my stomach. Stasiak with an Irish Whip. Goes for a clothesline. Shawn ducks under and bounces of the other end. The planet guy sees it and looks for a back body drop. HBK with a Sunset Flip. One! Two! Three! Three? He got ’em?
Announcer: Here is your winner….and still EWA X CHAMPION….”The HeartBreak Kid”….SHAWN MICHAELS!
Omega: Man, did Shawn ever luck out in that shit!
Purgatory: Shawn won but Stasiak did more than take him to the limit. Great showing by Stasiak.
Omega: Now that all that shit’s outta the way, it’s time for the main event. Psyko Boy. Kurt Angle. Barbed Wire Cage. How extreme will this get?
Purgatory: If Willie-style can bring out a Shane McMahon Street Fight performance in Angle, then this could have possible match of the year cries around it. Maybe for once, me & Rob won’t win it.
Announcer: And now, it’s time for the MAIN EVENT! This will be a match for the EWA World Heavyweight Championship and it will be held inside a BARBED WIRE STEEL CAGE!
(“Metal” hits throughout the arena)
Omega: Here comes fake ass Captain America. Stole my cut too.
Announcer: Introducing first, the challenger….Weighing in at 220 pounds….From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania….He is the only Olympic gold medalist in the EWA….KURT ANGLE!
Purgatory: What is this sing along? You suck? I thought that died when he came here.
Omega: Nah man. That and Stone Cold’s shit followed him here.
Purgatory: I point to the sky and FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!
Omega: Angle with all the pyro and shit and taking time to get in the ring. Must be scared shitless.
Purgatory: This is no WWE. You’re expected to perform over the top all the top and if you’re not bleeding by the end of the match, then you aren’t an athlete of the Extreme Wrestling Alliance.
Omega: Kurt jumpin’ around like a jackass and shit as he gets set and stares at the cage hovering above him.
Purgatory: Why does he look worried?
Omega: ‘Cause Kurt’s a pussy.
(“Tear Away” by Drowning Pool plays through the arena)
Purgatory: Here comes the human target. All the sudden, people wanna take him on.
Announcer: And now introducing….From Evansville, Indiana….Weighing in at 256 pounds….he is the EWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION….WILLIAM “PSYKO BOY” MCCONNELL!
Omega: Could be ’cause he’s got my property around his waist. There’s somethin’ you don’t see to often. A guy actually wear the belt instead of carrying it.
eWa World Title Barbed Wire Cage Match
William McConnell(c) Vs Kurt Angle
Purgatory: William “Psyko Boy” McConnell given a chance at the top of the heap. The highest peak. The big one. At least that’s what most people think.
Omega: It’s bullshit. Pretender to my throne has been recently informed that he’s been given a lot in his career. The biggest thing of all being my property; the EWA World Heavyweight Championship. You know what, though? I think there’s a few people that’s more than afraid to give McConnell what he works his ass off for….A push. That’s why that Rock bullshit went down and why this mothafuckah got doubt on his ass.
Purgatory: Psyko Boy in the ring now gettin’ ready to put his career and the title on the line as he stands on the ropes and holds up the EWA World Title. Maybe, for the last time. Above them, a topped cage with barbed wire wrapping. No climb out. No door to even get out. It starts and ends in the ring. All this and….
Announcer: And now, introducing….the SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE!
Purgatory: WonderTwin powers….ACTIVATE! Form of….A ZEBRA! See ya later, O! I got a job to do! You didn’t think I’d sit here outside that square-shaped slicer, did you?
Omega: Better you than me. I’d kick both their bitch asses in that ring, take my jacked property, and leave this son bitch Total Madness. Well, I’m a one-man commentatin’ machine until someone hauls ass down here and gives some color. Purg is in the ring and he gets the title from Willie Boy. Shows it to the suck ass. Calls for the cage to be lowered and this thing is set to go off as soon as this cage lowers. You got Psyko Boy in there who thinks he’s extreme unless you compare him to us. Then he’s shit. Hell, he’s shit NOT compared to us. You got trapped in ’96 fo life in there about to be brought to the real and you got the Barbed Wire Steel Cage for my property. Add all that to Special Education Purgatory and this match is gonna get bloody ’cause the Resident Psycho just invited himself into a house he’s all too familiar with. The cage is down. The bell goes off and DAMN IT, are all the matches gonna start this way? Seem like every match in this mothafuckah is get go punch exchange. Anyway, Psy and Kurt punch a lot. Psy’s got it goin’. Goes for a big right. Kurt ducks. Pushes him into the wire! Psy comes off screamin’ like a bitch and Kurt catches him! Belly to Belly! Why you all happy and shit, Kurt? Get on him! Can I please get a color commentator out here? Kurt stompin stars and stripes into Psyko….
(“Cowboys From Hell” by Pantera starts to play throughout the arena. Out comes Dragon.)
Omega: Dragon is comin’ out and walkin’ towards the ring. You dumb ass! Kurt! ANGLE! You payin’ WAY too much time lookin’ and screamin’ at Dragon! Son bitch can’t even get in! Dragon’s comin’ to the table. Guess I either got a color man or he wants to see a main event for free up close and personal. What up, Dragon? Come to experience greatness up close and personal?
Dragon: I challenged Psyko Boy before Kurt was even considered a thought. The little boy refused ’cause he’s scared….
Omega: Kurt going for the pick up. Small package reversal! One! Two! No! Kurt a quick elbow drop and now, locks in a headlock.
Dragon: He’s scared and running. I’m not worried though. Soon as I get a chance, I’m comin’ for my piece.
Omega: Where’s your boy Prod?
Dragon: Prodigy is around. You can’t have Dragon And Prodigy without one of us gone.
Omega: Kurt grindin’ Psy’s head into so much meat.
Dragon: Nice strategy by Angle. Put Psy’s gettin’ up. I can’t believe he’s showing some heart.
Omega: Psyko and Angle back up and standing. Psyko with a push off. Angle slams on the brakes lookin’ happy as hell he stopped just in time. Turns around and catches a PSYKO KICK right in the fuckin’ jaw! Angle goes limp. Psyko with a cover. Purg’s in position. One! Two! Hell No!
Dragon: It’s gonna take more than that to beat an Olympic champion.
Omega: That was damn near eight years ago. Why does he keep talkin’ about it? Psyko diggin’ the forearm into Kurt face and now he’s got a headlock in.
Dragon: Psyko is too eye for eye in this match. He needs to fight his way.
Omega: Angle tries a reverse roll up. One! Two! Nope. Again. One! Two! Another kick out. One more time. One! Two! Psyko with another kick out.
Dragon: Psyko needs to think of something fast.
Omega: Both men back up. Angle with a high angle back drop. Psyko’s still got the headlock on.
Dragon: McConnell displaying Angle-like pitbull mentality.
Omega: Angle going for another. This time, Will lets go. Waist lock into a rolling clutch. No. Psyko is going for a Texas Cloverleaf and locks it in.
Dragon. Angle didn’t expect that. Hell, I didn’t expect that.
Omega: Angle being asked if he’s gonna give. Listen to all that screamin’. Angle’s nothin’ but a lil’ bitch.
Dragon: Psy’s proving that maybe, he belongs where he’s been put. I don’t think so. He wouldn’t have ducked me.
Omega: He’s not gonna fall for that “I’m back and I’m gonna muscle my way into a EWA World Heavyweight Title Shot” bullshit. Just what the hell have you done to get back to where you think you belong?
Dragon: Purgatory’s doin’ the same thing!
Omega: Unless you wanna swallow this table, don’t EVER raise your voice on me, jackass. Purgatory’s proven himself and he’s going after one man. He’s in a destroy mode whereas you’re in the “I don’t give a shit as long as I get the EWA World Heavyweight Title” mode. Don’t even put him or myself in your fuckin’ league because we’re in a class by ourselves.
Dragon: I may not have the track record Purg has here but I have proven myself.
Omega: By what? Winnin’ some joke Tag Titles? Winnin’ the World shot Purg booked you in? It’s gonna take more than just winnin’ some belt to prove yourself. As soon as you realize that, then maybe you’ll be on the bottom of our league. Hell, you can’t even concentrate on this match. You can’t even follow how Kurt reversed the Cloverleaf, locked in a small Ankle Lock, got it reversed, how Psyko rushed him and how he kicked Psyko in the gut and followed up with a DDT. You can’t even follow that. How you gonna say you proved your shit? You can’t even call this damn match!
Dragon: Look. All I’m sayin’ is….
Omega: Angle picks up Psyko and is now going for a multiple German Suplex. I’m tryin’ to call this pathetic excuse for a match. Pathetic because both these men combined can’t equal my skills. There’s one. There’s two. Psyko fighting the third and breaks out of it. Angle’s pissed and sends him right into the wire!
Dragon: And he stuck for a bit too.
Omega: Angle now making Psyko Ground Beef and Will McConnell is now bleedin’ everywhere.
Dragon: Angle displaying that rare viciousness he’s known for.
Omega: Angle stands Psyko up. What the hell was that a Psyko Kick?
Dragon: I’ve never seen Angle use a superkick until now!
Omega: It had piss poor execution but it worked. Angle with a cover. One! Two! No chance in hell.
Dragon: Angle’s got him right where he wants him.
Omega: Angle showing frustration. Takes the straps down. Might be going for the Angle Slam.
Dragon: Angle screaming at the top of his lungs for McConnell to get up!
Omega: Psyko staggers to his feet. Here comes the Olympic….no! Reversal! ANKLE LOCK! Will just reversed the Angle Slam and now has the Ankle Lock on Angle!
Dragon: First seen when Ken Shamrock made his way into the business and now used by Angle. It’s his way to finish a match and now, he’s getting a taste!
Omega: God damn Angle scremin’ like the bitch he is but he’s crawling to the ropes. He might be able to make it. Purg checkin’ and askin’ at the same time. Angle’s crawlin’ like a punk. He’s almost there. Angle is in the ropes!
Dragon: Angle either humiliated or too frustrated to think of another way out of his own finisher.
Omega: PYB releasing the hold almost immediately. Angle limping and standing up off balance. McConnell hooks him. ANGLE SLAM right into the Barbed Wire Cage! I am sheer perfection. Everyone knows by now. I can make these assholes sound good and they not me. Damn, I’m a beast.
Dragon: Will McConnell finally making use of the cage.
Omega: Now PYB making one hundred percent American Ground Beef. PYB’s bleedin’ a river. Angle now more red than white and blue. What the hell did Purgatory just do?
Dragon: Run straight into the cage.
Omega: Angle’s bleeding. McConnell’s bleeding. Special Ref Purg is bleeding. Everyone in the ring is bleeding. Blood’s everywhere.
Dragon: PYB looks to be ready to end this.
Omega: He’s waiting for the Olympic blood sack to get up. Setting up another Psyko Kick. Angle dragging himself up. Psyko Kick. Caught! ANKLE LOCK by Kurt Angle!
Dragon: That’s it. William McConnell doesn’t have the heart to gut this out.
Omega: It’s his way of finishing things. Angle screaming for Psyko to tap.
Dragon: Which he will do.
Omega: Psy is draggin’ himself to the ropes but Angle drags him right back in the middle.
Dragon: Tap and get it over with, McConnell.
Omega: Reverse! PYB’s out of the Ankle Lock! Both men quickly up to their feet! Angle is up. Frankensteiner? No. It’s a Triangle Hold! All you gotta do is drop, Psyko! Psyko with a sit-down powerbomb! Victory Roll! One! Two! Three! He got ’em!
Announcer: Here is your winner….and still EWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION….”Psyko Boy”….WILLIAM MCCONNELL!
Omega: Psyko able to keep the gold after going through a little bit of hell.
Dragon: Wait until the cage rises. That’s when how they say business picks up.
Omega: Almost as if by cue, the son bitch goes out. Dragon’s on pace here. The cage is up. There goes Dragon. Way to prove yourself, jackass. Attack a guy who’s fresh out of hell. Yeah. Makes you one hell of a man. Dragon attacking the EWA World Heavyweight Champion. Tosses him out here. I can see it a mile away. You might wanna clear out International Announce Guys. Your table’s about to get splintered. Dragon hooks him. Big time powerbomb by Dragon on McConnell. He’s out! Dragon has attacked Psyko and now, here comes Raven! Raven attacking Dragon! Here comes Prodigy! He’s now comin’ fo some. Big Evil on the way. Undertaker stickin’ his nose in! Dreamer’s down! He’s just fighting everyone! The announcing area is destroyed Psyko Boy is out on the shattered announce table. You got Purg playing Tic Tac Toe in his own blood in the ring and Dragon, Prodigy, Undertaker, and Raven all fighting. Why am I still talkin’? Before I go kick everybody’s ass, everybody piss in their pants right now. We got next card. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.