No Chance 2004
AL SNOW: Hello, everyone! Welcome to Foxboro, Massachusetts! Welcome to Gillette Stadium! Welcome to NO CHANCE! I’m Al Snow and of course, Omega’s back to oversee things.
OMEGA: NO CHANCE has already started.
AL SNOW: What do you mean?
OMEGA: Exactly what I fuckin’ said, jackass. Can’t you fuckin’ hear or did that whole Extreme Bowl thing make you deaf?
AL SNOW: My throat’s a little sore from yelling a lesson to Lone Jobber. I just hope he picks up on what I taught him in there. That lesson, along with the lessons I gave to Static Star, Razor Ram?n, Raven and Chris Benoit should be something they can use to further their careers. I have a bad feeling they’ll just brush it off though.
OMEGA: Yeah. You got a lesson too. You want to be ducked? Mothafuckahs will go out they way to do that. Other lesson? Lone Jobber didn’t learn a damn thing. Triple H is still champ. Looks like Star, Benoit and Raven ain’t learnt shit either. Razor did. His time is up so get the fuck out. What the hell am I sayin’? We got a damn pay per view to call here!
AL SNOW: Let’s get to our first match then.
OMEGA: Second. Might wanna take a look at Hardcore Theater there.
(HARDCORE THEATER FOOTAGE)
3-FOLD: Omega! We need to talk.
OMEGA: What? You got a Spiked Chair Match in a few. This better be good.
3-FOLD: It’s not. I’m afraid I can no longer be part of the EWA’s monthly card.
OMEGA: Any good reason why?
3-FOLD: I just don’t have the time to put forth the great performance I know I’m capable of. I’m sorry if this will interrupt this months’ card.
OMEGA: Well, I’m not a guy who say I can’t care. I’m also the guy who’s gonna enjoy what happens next.
AL SNOW: Hey! Hitman just nailed 3-Fold with the spiked chair! He places it on the ground. 3-Fold’s hooked. Snap suplex into the chair! Where’d the bell ring come from?
OMEGA: As the president of the EWA, I say The Hitman to be the winner of this match. 3-Fold, I say you bitch ass to be fuckin’ worthless! You have any idea what you did? You quit before trying. You just don’t do that around me. YOU ARE A FUCKIN’ EWA ATHLETE! IF YOU COME HERE WITH THE WHOLE “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH MYSELF” SHIT, YOU GET YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS OUT OF MY FUCKIN’ COMPANY BITCH! DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU PROVE HOW EXTREME YOU ARE!
(HARDCORE THEATER FOOTAGE ENDS)
OMEGA: And that’s how you deal with fuckin’ trash.
AL SNOW: Wow.
OMEGA: I don’t got no time for pussies who want to sit here and fuckin’ figure shit out fo themselves. YOU COME HERE TO FUCKIN’ CONQUER. YOU COME HERE TO FUCKIN’ BEAT THE LIVIN’ SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. The minute doubt enters your brain about how to do shit, that’s the minute you no longer have a place in my company. If you don’t know how to bring it, then don’t be surprised when I knock you the fuck outta here. I’m the kind of guy who’s constantly makin’ improvements. You know what sucks about the weekly brand? No females anywhere. You’d be hard pressed to find at least one woman accompanying a man or anything. Too much male bonding for my taste. That’s why I moved Jack Heineken and Caesar Artest to production. Guys killin’ each other is always somethin’ fun to watch. Throw a whole bunch of half naked bitches in the mix and you got gold. See the bell ringer over here?
AL SNOW: She’s an attractive woman.
OMEGA: Try “fine ass female.” The timekeeper is also like the bell ringer; familiar and fine. Now, here comes or new announcer.
AL SNOW: That’s Kitana Baker!
OMEGA: One of the Miller Lite Catfight Girls. Doesn’t stop there. Check the ref.
AL SNOW: Hey! Kristi Myst! I haven’t seen her in a while.
OMEGA: You follow the Indies like that? We all set now. Ms. Baker, if you would.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall.
(“Be A Man” by Randy Savage plays over the P.A. System)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Brian Adams, from Sarasota, Florida, “THE MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE!
AL SNOW: The Macho Man making his in-ring return here on the monthly offering.
OMEGA: Yeah. I figured put the old guys out here as soon as possible to get the creeks and shit out of the way.
AL SNOW: Savage is no coming down to “Pomp and Circumstance” like usual. He’s pushing his rap album as hard as he can here.
OMEGA: Complete with fuckin’ Crush. Yeah, Macho’s some rapper alright. What is it with fuckin’ wrestlers and rap these days? All the sudden, they think they can. This ain’t no train story, damn it.
AL SNOW: What’s wrong with white guys rapping? I can rap. Informer! You know me daddy Snow….
OMEGA: DON’T EVEN START!
AL SNOW: Savage is in the ring and the eyes of Brian Adams peering at the man he was hired to protect.
OMEGA: How do you know? He’s got on sunglasses.
AL SNOW: Call it a hunch.
(“Unstable” plays over the P.A. System)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent, from Parts Unknown, WARRIOR!
OMEGA: An old fart who thinks he can rap and then comes mascara man. Damn it. Why did I even listen to Purg on this card?
AL SNOW: Warrior making his trademark dash to the ring and he runs right over Macho! The bell rings! Warrior off the ropes. Another clothesline! Again! And another clothesline! Warrior feeling unstoppable. Another clothesline sends Macho over the top rope to the outside! Warrior is dominating! Macho is regrouping! Kristi Myst is wearing a bikini referee style!
OMEGA: You’re gettin’ way too damn excited over basic shit!
AL SNOW: Macho taking the count for all he can. Macho slowing the pace down as best as he can but here comes Warrior! Brian Adams stepping in the way to protect his client!
OMEGA: I fuckin’ feel like I’ve gone back to the ’80s and shit. Tell me what time Voltron comes on so I can turn off my Atari 2600 to see it. I can always play some Yars Revenge.
AL SNOW: Warrior and Adams are into it now! Warrior getting the better of Adams. Kick to the gut. Slam on the outside. Macho from behind with a chair shot right to the back of Warrior’s neck!
OMEGA: Maybe shit will start to pick up now.
AL SNOW: Macho really tearing into Warrior with those chair shots. He’s got Warrior up now. Warrior sent right into the barrier out here!
OMEGA: Come on Mr. Run To The Ring, where’s that full speed ahead shit now? It’s fuckin’ buried, ain’t it? ANSWER ME, FUCKER!
AL SNOW: I don’t think he can hear you, Omega.
OMEGA: That’s ’cause he’s too busy gettin’ his ass whipped.
AL SNOW: Macho kicking the Warrior in the gut and now he picks him back up. Tosses him back in the ring and rolls in to follow. Macho with a quick elbow drop and now stands back up just to stomp on ’em.
OMEGA: And all the son bitch can do is try to cover up. At least try to fuckin’ fight back!
AL SNOW: Macho really workin’ over the Warrior here. Another pick up and Macho just on target with those quick jabs.
OMEGA: Bore-rior’s not impressin’ me one bit.
AL SNOW: Warrior in trouble. Macho with an Irish Whip. Warrior ducks his clothesline. Warrior hits his trademark Flying Clothesline and just like that, the momentum is back with Warrior!
OMEGA: I was hopin’ Savage’s head would come off after that so he wouldn’t rap no more but oh fuckin’ well.
AL SNOW: Warrior is signaling to the crowd. The Warrior press so soon?
OMEGA: Maybe he feels that it’s time to finish Savage off. Either that, or it’d past the normal five minutes a typical Warrior match.
AL SNOW: Warrior picks up Macho! MILITARY PRESS! This can’t be it! Warrior drops Macho!
OMEGA: Like a sack of garbage. You know you wanna say it.
AL SNOW: And now Warrior runs toward the ropes for the big splash! No! He gets tripped by Brian Clark!
OMEGA: The old grab the guy by the leg from the outside trick. Warrior doesn’t fell so much like a Warrior now. Must be the fact that he just fell flat on his fuckin’ face and left his little face paint on the canvas.
AL SNOW: Warrior in some pain but he’s now up. He’s had enough of Brian Adams and now he goes out to attack him!
OMEGA: Stupid son bitch shoulda wiped out Adams earlier. Now, Savage is gonna have time to recover.
AL SNOW: Macho rolls out the ring. A wise veteran move by Randy Savage. Roll outside to avoid to pin fall. Why isn’t Kristi Myst counting or disqualifying Macho?
OMEGA: Hey man, don’t go WWE on me. Count outs died in the EWA long ago and as for DQ’s? I’ll be damned if there’s ever one here.
AL SNOW: Brian Clark is by no means a slouch but Warrior is really taking it to him! He’s just hammering Clark! Big clothesline floors Brian Clark!
OMEGA: Now he’s sittin’ there lookin’ stupid like when he asked us to drop the “E” from the end of his name. Here comes Savage….
AL SNOW: Savage runs full speed into Warrior and clocks him in the back of the head! Where did he get the chain?
OMEGA: Under the ring, dumb ass.
AL SNOW: The dominating Warrior just got shut down. Macho shouting orders to Brian Clark. He rolls back in the ring. Brian Clark, now back up, rolls Warrior onto the International Announce Table out here.
OMEGA: Can’t somebody here make a spot look not so obvious one fuckin’ time?
AL SNOW: Macho on the top turnbuckle. He gives the signal. ELBOW OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE! The table’s destroyed! Macho’s destroyed! Warrior’s destroyed! International announcers everywhere!
OMEGA: Hurry up and get this bullshit over with, Brian.
AL SNOW: Brian Clark pulls Macho over Warrior. Kristi Myst makes the count. 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner…..”THE MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE!
AL SNOW: Macho with an impressive win over Warrior after landing the big elbow on him outside on the table here. Here comes….
OMEGA: The fuckin’ clean up crew.
AL SNOW: That’s one way of putting it. The clean up crew….I mean EMT’s helping Warrior and Macho out of here and the ring crew are cleaning up what’s left of the International Announce Position.
OMEGA: Two old bodies crashing and burning only burn. If you come in here in extreme conditions tryin’ to do shit my way, you’re only hurtin’ yoself. Look at Macho and Warrior. All banged up and the hospital to go. All that WWE and WCW shit is too much in they blood. They got a long way to go before they even come close to EWA material. Long or short. It’s up to me, isn’t it?
AL SNOW: They’re done cleanin’ up from the previous match.
OMEGA: Pay attention to this next match. It’s another message.
AL SNOW: That’s never good for any EWA athlete.
KITANA BAKER: Our next contest is scheduled for one fall. The referee assigned for this match; TERI BYRNE also known as FYRE!
OMEGA: Recognize her?
AL SNOW: Former WCW Nitro Girl. Of course I recognize her.
OMEGA: You watched Nitro? Man, you suck.
(“Money, Power, Respect” by Junior Mafia plays throughout the Gillette Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, from….
AL SNOW: Kitana just got cut off because Dragon has just jumped Kid Money from the entrance!
OMEGA: What you waitin’ fo woman? Go handle that!
AL SNOW: The bell has rung and the match has started! Kid Money is being destroyed!
OMEGA: Uhhh, Foxboro is in Massachusetts. Uhhh, you’re gettin’ yo ass handed to you, bitch.
AL SNOW: Money didn’t even get a chance to get out here.
OMEGA: Dragon said fuck the entrance shit. He’s going for the kill quick.
AL SNOW: Dragon just took a swig of something.
OMEGA: Hey, I’m all for drinkin’ on the job. Just get the fuckin’ beer out of here.
AL SNOW: Dragon’s got a stick that’s on fire. He had this planned.
OMEGA: No, WE had this planned. Watch Dragon show his real finishin’ move to Kid Money.
AL SNOW: OH NO! Dragon just spit flames right into Kid Money’s face!
OMEGA: Look at that bitch squirm!
AL SNOW: Dragon goes for the cover! Teri Byrne with the count! 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….DRAGON!
AL SNOW: Dragon making quick work of Kid Money after blowing that fireball right into Kid Money’s face!
OMEGA: And that’s the lesson. If you can come correct with a damn state name, you should be able to come correct in a match. Kid Money got Massachusetts right but that’s all he could do. He couldn’t come correct and for that, he got burned.
AL SNOW: The emergency personnel coming out to help Kid Money out.
OMEGA: Dragon’s burned the trash. Can we move on please?
AL SNOW: You really are heartless, aren’t you?
OMEGA: Damn straight.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH! In this contest, the normal 10 count has been extended to a 20 count. This match will continue until one man cannot answer the 20 count. The winner will truly be the LAST MAN STANDING! The referee for this following match up; TYLENE BUCK!
AL SNOW: How did you get Tylene Buck here?
OMEGA: I am the man. One look at the goods and she came runnin’.
AL SNOW: She was Major Gunns in WCW and she’s the current host of Backyard Babes.
OMEGA: Anybody see that? If ya missed it, ya missed Ms. Buck Wild finally do something men and some women wanted to do; she got buck naked and even got into some lesbian make out sessions. I got to say, I wasn’t all that impressed with seeing Major Gunns ass out with her naked tits and pussy all out for the world to see.
AL SNOW: Why’s that?
OMEGA: Because they weren’t on my mouth or on my dick at the time.
(“Pump It Up” by Joe Budden plays over the P.A. System)
KITANA BAKER: First, introducing from Miami, Florida….He is The Real Deal…. JAY MACK!
AL SNOW: Jay Mack making his “real” return to the Extreme Wrestling Alliance after being away for some time. Man, you are something else.
OMEGA: After kickin’ this man’s ass time and time and time again, all I could say to myself is when is this mothafuckah gonna unleash? I mean when is he gonna really beat the livin’ crap out of everybody like I know he can? That bitch came close with WCWF but even then, it would’ve folded. Think about it. Where are any of the WCWF superstars now? The Nothin’ Deal is livin’ one day at a time instead of balls to the walls and it sucks to pure hell.
AL SNOW: Jay Mack is takin’ it one step at a time just like his opponent. It takes small steps to rebuild power.
OMEGA: Bullshit. That’s only fo fuckers who don’t know how to step.
AL SNOW: Last Man Standing. You go and go until you get counted out. Omega, why the 20 count?
OMEGA: 10 counts are fo pussies and weekly wrestlin’ jackoffs who think they have a grip on what the monthly card is all about. The 20 count is a shout-out to the old school and how they used to be counted out when they left the ring. Plus, it makes things shit more difficult.
AL SNOW: Jay Mack, normally a guy who’s relaxed. Sorta a party attitude to him. He doesn’t look like that now.
OMEGA: It’s a look of business, jackass. The time fo bullshittin’ is over. It’s time to conduct the business of whip ass if ya know what I’m sayin’.
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout the arena)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….from Atlanta, Georgia….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Rob Parks….I mean Vertigo coming to ring and he’s not coming alone.
OMEGA: The Nothin’ Deal just got out of the ring and is now grabbing a chair because Verti-Blow’s comin’ with a Singapore Cane.
AL SNOW: Might have picked it up from Justin Credible. They were hangin’ out earlier.
OMEGA: Both men said fuck it. This little thing ain’t gonna last long.
AL SNOW: Vertigo slides into the ring! There’s the bell and both men are hesitant to swing their weapons!
OMEGA: Verti-blow because metal beats wood and The Nothin’ Deal ’cause metal beats wood but not a side step followed by some cane upside yo head.
AL SNOW: They both throw their weapons down and Jay tackles Vertigo!
OMEGA: God damn it. Professionals brawlin’ like a bunch of fuckin’ school kids.
AL SNOW: Now they’re back up going blow for blow. Big left drops Vertigo and now Jay laying in those kicks! Vertigo backs into a corner! He’s doing all he can to cover up!
OMEGA: Still don’t take away from him bein’ a human mud hole.
AL SNOW: Jay with another pick up. Hooks him. Nice belly-to-belly suplex and now locks in a cross armbar.
OMEGA: A couple of seconds ago, it was all about the punches. Now, it’s wrestlin’.
AL SNOW: Vertigo hanging on and manages to break the hold. Jay latches on a side head lock. Jay showing off a bit of that pitbull mentality he’s known for. Vertigo muscles up to a standing position. He’s got Jay up! High Back Drop!
OMEGA: The Nothin’ Deal can’t take a drop on his back and neck. Take it from someone who knows.
AL SNOW: Tylene Buck starting to count. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Vertigo back up. 8. Jay pulls himself up somewhat into the corner. Vertigo with a big kick to Jay and now lays in a huge chop.
OMEGA: Chop? That was a straight slap, man.
AL SNOW: Vertigo with another and a big right sends Jay up and over the ropes to the outside! Now he goes under the ring. Vertigo comes out and is now giving chase. Jay is gone.
OMEGA: Verti-blow’s a dumb ass. This trick is straight old school.
AL SNOW: With the exception of a bewildered looking Tylene Buck, the ring is completely empty as both men have vanished under the ring. The cameras are looking for Vertigo and Jay. There’s Jay. Wherever Vertigo is under there, he probably saw Jay come out. Why did….the motorcycle helmet! Jay hid the motorcycle helmet under the steps!
OMEGA: You wouldn’t be so surprised if you knew how to plan. The steps are hollow so it’s possible to hide weapons in the hollow. The Nothin’ Deal planned this and as soon as Verti-blow sticks his stupid head out, The Nothin’ Deal’s gonna remind him of a little friend. See? That’s what his dumb ass gets!
AL SNOW: Jay just clocked Vertigo with the motorcycle helmet just like he did during Killing Field! Jay Mack….WHOA! Batista just leaped out the audience and is now attacking Jay! Batista is attacking Jay Mack!
OMEGA: I heard a few rumors that Bitchtista wanted a piece of The Nothin’ Deal and he’s claimin’ his chunk now.
AL SNOW: Batista with a hard Irish Whip and Jay is sent head first into the steel steps!
OMEGA: Verti-blow fell for an old school trick and The Nothin’ Deal never saw Bitchtista comin’. These two are gettin’ sloppy.
AL SNOW: Batista now rolls a practically lifeless Jay into the middle of the ring. Jay Mack, once dominant, now barely on his feet. Tylene Buck standing as far back as she can. Batista hooks Jay Mack. BATISTA BOMB! He hit the Batista Bomb on Jay Mack!
OMEGA: He hit it all too. Stiffness included. The Nothin’ Deal’s like “where the fuck my oxygen go?”
AL SNOW: And now, Batista leaving the ring.
OMEGA: Damage done. Message sent.
AL SNOW: Jay laid out from the Batista Bomb. Vertigo is still laid out from that helmet shot. Tylene Buck starting the count. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Vertigo is starting to move. Jay still splattered out. 12. 13. Vertigo back up and is now going as fast as he can climbing to the top rope from the outside of the ring. 17. 18. SOMERSAULT SENTON by Vertigo! Vertigo hit a move I haven’t seen him do in a long time!
OMEGA: He hit it as The Nothin’ Deal started to get up too. The Nothin’ Deal is just about done here.
AL SNOW: As soon as Vertigo hit that senton. He rolled out the ring. Vertigo is hurt. Busted open. Bleeding from the side of his head. He grabs 2 Steel Chairs and slides them in the ring. Vertigo picking up Jay. He’s got something planned. Jay reverses into a spinebuster but lumps right back down.
OMEGA: His back’s killin’ him. Instinct can be a bitch sometimes.
AL SNOW: Jay dragging himself as Tylene Buck lays in the count. 5. 6. 7. 8. Jay is headed to the turnbuckle. Jay is climbing the turnbuckle? What’s he gonna do?
OMEGA: Might be a Phoenix Splash. Could be a Frog Splash. There’s nothin’. Verti-blow caught his ass.
AL SNOW: Vertigo threw a chair into Jay’s back and Jay hit the turnbuckle!
OMEGA: With his nuts if he has a pair.
AL SNOW: Jay is now draped on the top turnbuckle. Vertigo sets the chairs. This is gonna hurt if this is what I think this is.
OMEGA: This is what you think it is.
AL SNOW: Vertigo. FEAR FACTOR! Vertigo just hit the Fear Factor and he drove Jay right into those chairs!
OMEGA: The Nothin’ Deal’s dead weight is the only thing that bent those chairs. There’s a familiar look; Useless sack of flesh.
AL SNOW: Vertigo fell over after the drop. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. Vertigo exhausted but back up. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20! It’s over!
OMEGA: No shit.
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Vertigo fought as hard as anybody I’ve seen but you gotta wonder what he would’ve done had Batista not shown up.
OMEGA: Went in there and whipped some ass. Verti-Blow ain’t bitchin’ about how things went down. He just took something that he thought was his.
AL SNOW: Our two competitors being helped out the ring here and no sooner than that, the ring is being set up for the first ever Gridiron Match. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, does it?
OMEGA: Nothin’ but everything.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! This will be for the EWA CHAMPIONSHIP! The following match will be the first ever GRIDIRON MATCH! The rules are as follows: This match will have football-theme weapons scattered everywhere because the match itself is football themed. Each wrestler has an “end zone,” a room or area that is their scoring zone. Each wrestler has a choice of what room or area they want as their end zone. Only falls in the other opponent’s end zone count. At the end of the 60 minutes, whoever has the most falls counted in their opponents’ designated end zone, wins. If it’s a tie, Sudden Death Falls Count Anywhere.
AL SNOW: Who’s the special referee for this match?
OMEGA: No more women. I need a ref who won’t be afraid of getting physical if push came to shove.
AL SNOW: Who’s that?
(“Bottle Of Rage” hits)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the special guest referee for the Gridiron Match….SID VICIOUS!
AL SNOW: Why didn’t I see this coming from a mile away?
OMEGA: I needed a big bad ref and got Sid. I guess it’s better than nothing.
AL SNOW: Sid getting a huge response as he makes his way to the ring and now, enters it.
OMEGA: He can’t wrestle anymore but he’s mobile enough to ref. No one is gonna fuck with him and that’s why he’s gonna call this main event.
(“Shattered Glass” hits over the P.A. System)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….the challenger….from Victoria, Texas….”STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN!
AL SNOW: Austin coming down to the ring in his custom “3:16” football jersey.
OMEGA: Broken Down Jackass Austin is either stupid or crazy or both. The ring is his end zone. Falls count there. Retro Pussy covers him in there and it counts. It’s gotta be a plan or it just might be Broken Down Jackass Austin tippin’ to much in the alcohol.
AL SNOW: Austin doin’ his corner taunts as he steps into familiarity. Austin going for his first championship here but is against a tough challenger in the Retro Playa.
OMEGA: As far as I’m concerned, Retro Pussy got lucky against 3-Fuck, The Shitman and Verti-Blow. Now let’s see what he can do in his first defense.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry booms all over Gillette Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent….from Chicago, Illinois….he is the EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: Retro not wasting any time! He’s coming down like Warrior and there goes the bell!
OMEGA: Dumb ass. You don’t come down here like that and get in the ring like that. Austin just kicked a fuckin’ field goal usin’ Retro Pussy’s head as a football.
AL SNOW: Time ticks away in the hour as Austin works over Retro.
OMEGA: Not even ten seconds and already Broken Down Jackass is stompin’ a mud hole in Retro Pussy and walkin’ it dry.
AL SNOW: And the crowd is giving him a “what” for each and every stomp! Stone Cold is feeling all of this match here!
OMEGA: You dumb ass! What the hell are you doin’? Hop back on that bastard! See! That’s what yo broken down bitch ass get!
AL SNOW: Austin turned his back and in that split second, Retro got to his feet and was able to pick him up and hot shot him in the corner. Austin holding his chest. Retro rolling out the ring now. Puts on a pair of shoulder pads and grabs a football. Comes back into the ring. What’s he going to do? He passes the ball to….OOOOHHH! Austin’s reactions took over! He caught the ball high and caught a shoulder padded spear into his unprotected ribs! Retro Playa in full control! He’s not wasting any motion. Removes the pads. Sets Austin. OUT WITH THE OLD! Retro hit his Pedigree slash Double Arm DDT maneuver there. Cover! Sid counts! 1! 2! 3!
KITANA BAKER: The Retro Playa scores one fall! He is up one fall to none!
OMEGA: This may be exciting to everyone else, but I’m gettin’ kinda bored here.
AL SNOW: The Retro Playa going for the kill quickly. Lifts him up for a front suplex. NO! He hit the Cutting Edge! The Ghostbuster, Brainbuster DDT, whatever you wanna call it, he hit it! Another cover! Sid in position! 1! 2! 3!
KITANA BAKER: The Retro Playa scores one fall! He is now up 2 to none!
OMEGA: The broken down jackass ain’t puttin’ up much of a fight, is he?
AL SNOW: Retro trying to keep this roll up. He picks Austin up but Austin slumps back down. Retro now, trying to pick up Austin’s dead weight. STUNNER! Austin just hit the stunner out of nowhere! He put all he had into it and Retro just got inverted!
OMEGA: You know what? I really don’t feel like watchin’ this bullshit for a whole hour. Yo truck guys, turn this shit up. Hey, yeah I see you can hear my ass. I don’t feel like sittin’ here fo a fuckin’ hour. Up until now, no one has changed a match while in progress in the EWA. No one until now. This match is now 3 out of 5 falls. I don’t wanna be here all fuckin’ night.
AL SNOW: Can you do that?
OMEGA: My concept, bastard. I do whatever I fuckin’ feel like doin’. No one stops me. It’s why I’m so hated.
AL SNOW: Austin just rolled out the ring. His end-zone. For Retro, he’s a yard away. He’s in the red zone. It doesn’t matter how he does it. Run, punt or pass, all he has to do is get one more fall and he retains the EWA Championship.
OMEGA: And now we find out if this son bitch is true to his word. This mothafuckah promised the biggest fuckin’ redneck raindrop when he said that he would drop the broken down jackass from the rafters like a bad habit. Now let’s see if he goes into “desperate to keep title” mode or “man of my word” mode.
AL SNOW: Austin making his way to the back as Retro recovers from the Stunner.
OMEGA: All the sudden, broken down jackass is “smart veteran doing what it takes to win a World Championship.” Fuckin’ two-faced bitch.
AL SNOW: Austin has completely vanished in the back. Retro and Special Referee Sid Vicious follow suit. Cameras are following. Where’s Austin?
OMEGA: A guy with two bum legs can’t have gotten far.
AL SNOW: Austin just tossed something at Retro! Retro is distracted! Spinebuster to the concrete floor by Austin! Was that a pompom?
OMEGA: Either that or a Fry Guy.
AL SNOW: And now listen to Austin mouth off to Retro.
AUSTIN: Come on, ya little bastard! Is that all ya got? What? Are you enjoying the game? What? I said are you enjoying the game. What? You’re not? What? Something missing? What? I said something’s missing. How ’bout some peanuts? Here’s some peanuts, ya little bastard!
AL SNOW: Austin pouring those peanuts over Retro.
OMEGA: Not the nuts I woulda used. Mine woulda been the leek some yellow liquid kind.
AUSTIN: You allergic to peanuts? What? I said you allergic to peanuts? How about beer? Here’s one for ya!
AL SNOW: Austin busts the beer bottle over the back of the head of The Retro Playa!
OMEGA: Fuckin’ beer, man. I guess a buzz is the best he can get.
AUSTIN: Huh? Ya like that? What? Ahhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! SHUT UP! Look at ya! Whinin’ and cryin’ over some beer. What? Maybe you like soda? What? I said maybe ya like soda. What? You want Pepsi? (What?) Coke? (What?) Dr. Pepper? (What?) Sprite? (What?) Sierra Mist? (What?) Shasta? (What?) 7-Up? (What?) Barq’s? (What?) You take Root Beer over beer? (What?) We don’t have no soda back here. (What?) I said we don’t have no soda out here. (What?) All we got is CO2! Here ya go!
AL SNOW: Austin running Retro Playa right into those huge CO2 containers! Those things are heavy! I’ve been hit with one and it hurt so much, I lost one of my personalities.
OMEGA: You mean the one who gives a shit hearin’ the shit that comes out yo mouth?
AUSTIN: When ya get up, meet me in your end-zone, ya bastard! I’ll be in the rafters.
AL SNOW: Austin heading toward the rafters and asking where they are!
OMEGA: A man like the broken down jackass asking directions. He just proved that he really is broken down.
AL SNOW: Our cameras are following Austin as he makes his way to the rafters. Sid is not following. Staying with Retro to make sure he can continue in this match.
OMEGA: Don’t even bother with the Hardcore Theater plug. Any bastard interested in this match can see Retro Pussy lying down like a little bitch all hurt and shit and see the broken down jackass headed toward the rafters on the split screen.
AL SNOW: Austin makin’ his way to the rafters. A long way up there as Austin is continuing his way up there.
OMEGA: And now, let’s all thank Retro Playa’s dumb ass for pickin’ an end-zone so fuckin’ far away. Way to go, jackass. Now we gotta wait fo Austin and yo punk ass to walk all the way there. Wake me up when they get there.
AL SNOW: Austin now makin’ his way to a marked elevator that was built by the EWA. Why is that?
OMEGA: That elevator will take him to a ramp that will lead him back to the ring so he can get up to the rafters we had to build. We had to construct a backstage and rafters because Gillette Stadium has NONE of this! It’s a freakin’ football stadium! An outdoor one at that! One again, thanks for choosing rafters, Retro Pussy! Dumb fuck.
AL SNOW: Austin reaching the rafters and is now perched high in Retro Playa’s end zone! What’s he doing? Why is he taking his boots off? Austin, believe it or no, is choosing to go the rest of this match bootless. Oh man! I smell feet! I smell feet and they stink. Austin’s feet, bringing tears to this J. O. B. Squad member’s eyes. Austin….what is he doing? Is he putting his boots back on? Cleats. Austin’s tying on the cleats as promised as Retro Playa and Sid Vicious have both gotten into the elevator and are presumably making their way to Retro’s EWA-built end zone; the rafters. Austin….what now? Austin’s lying in wait as he has a football in his arm and looks to throw it with everything he’s got. It’s almost murder waiting for that elevator to eventually get to the closer. Closer it draws. I said draws. That’s kinda funny. Closer. And closer. AAAAAHHHHHH! Drama! Bahama! Uh….The Cat said “Somebody Call My Momma!” This Gridiron Match, at least as far as I’m concerned, is at is apex! Omega, you have yet to say anything. Are you that riveted by the action? Omega? Omega!
AL SNOW: WAKE UP!
OMEGA: What man? What’s so important for me to be awake right now?
AL SNOW: Retro Playa is just about to the top of the rafters!
OMEGA: Man, so?
AL SNOW: Austin hurls the football into the elevator as it opened up! I have no idea of what happened! Austin darts into the open elevator! What’s going on? Retro Playa stumbles out holding his mask. Austin must’ve hit him right in the mask with the football.
OMEGA: Nah. You think?
AL SNOW: And now Austin, stalking Retro Playa. He’s stalking him with….an empty Gatorade container? Austin waiting. He pushes the container on top of The Retro Playa!
OMEGA: Got that one from Smackdown and the trash can.
AL SNOW: And now Austin with a low blow and wearing cleats, that had to hurt even if Retro is wearing pants.
OMEGA: Where the hell the cleats come from?
AL SNOW: You were sleep and missed it. Retro is hurt. He stands up after that? How? Retro removes the container from his body. STUNNER! Austin hit the Stunner as soon as Retro took that Gatorade container off him! A kick in the gut with cleats and the Stunner. Austin not going for the pin. Austin hooks into Retro. Is that what I think it is?
OMEGA: Cobra Clutch. Time to sleep.
AL SNOW: The Million Dollar Dream taught to him by “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase when he was The Ring Master back in the WWF is being applied onto Retro as we speak! Smart move by Austin and even smarter to put a leg scissors on him so that Retro can’t escape!
OMEGA: Retro Pussy’s goin’ out. He’s about to become former EWA Champion.
AL SNOW: Sid checks him. His arm drops. It drops a second time. There’s a third! Austin picks up a fall!
KITANA BAKER: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has picked up one fall! The score is Retro Playa 2; Austin 1!
OMEGA: Squeeze his fuckin’ head off!
AL SNOW: And now Austin yelling to Sid to keep the count going. Once again, Sid checks Retro. His arm drops! And again! There’s number three! Just like that, we are tied!
KITANA BAKER: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has picked up one fall! The score is tied!
OMEGA: Retro Pussy is three counts away to becoming a former.
AL SNOW: Austin. One more time yelling for the call. Sid checking. One drop! Two! Thr….No! Retro is fighting it! Retro is trying to fight the drop! Sid hesitating. He’s not calling it yet!
OMEGA: Look at the broken down jackass really lock that shit in. Retro Pussy can’t hold his arm up forever.
AL SNOW: It drops! It’s over! New champion!
KITANA BAKER: The winner of this match….and NEW EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….”STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN! Austin becomes the new EWA Champion of the world after a long, hard match up! There’s someone else up there. Who is that?
OMEGA: God damn it. Not another run in.
AL SNOW: It’s HOGAN! Hollywood Hogan is attacking Austin! Has Hogan jumped to the Monthly Card?
OMEGA: If he has, he ain’t told me.
AL SNOW: Hogan just plain stomping Austin and WHOA! He just got clocked from behind! It’s PYB! Psyko Boy is now getting involved! He’s attacked Hogan and is giving Austin some as well!
OMEGA: Everything is breakin’ the fuck down. I like it.
AL SNOW: PYB now taking Hogan back to the elevator. PYB intent on giving Hogan the worst elevator ride of his life. PYB….look at his expression. PYB’s looked like he’s seen a ghost.
OMEGA: Wait until you see who it is.
AL SNOW: An arm grabs PYB and now he and Hogan are at the mercy of whoever’s in that elevator! For once, I can’t wait to the elevator to get down here!
OMEGA: All the sudden, you know how I feel.
AL SNOW: The elevator, slowly making its way down to the backstage area. We got camera crews in the back waiting to catch a glimpse of who was in that elevator. Whoever it was sent a chill down PYB’s back. I haven’t seen him look like that since….
OMEGA: Since he fucked with me.
AL SNOW: Exactly.
OMEGA: And as soon as that elevator comes down, you’re gonna learn why you should keep friends close, keep enemies closer, and never ever fuckin’ forget about anybody.
AL SNOW: The elevator has stopped. Hogan and PYB slump out in a bloody mess. JASON CAIN! Jason Cain has come back to the EWA with a vengeance!
OMEGA: Just when PYB thought he was gone, Cain just reminded him by whippin’ his bitch ass like he used to.
AL SNOW: Jason Cain returns, Austin’s the new champ, weekly wrestlers Hogan and PYB coming on the card only to have their asses handed to them, Vertigo, Hitman, Savage and Dragon all victorious, Kid Money, Warrior, Jay Mack, and 3-Fold not so lucky, the debut of Batista. Anything else?
OMEGA: Looks like the camera found someone.
AL SNOW: All I see is darkness on Hardcore Theater. Is that a lit cigarette? That can only mean….
VERTIGO (VIA HARDCORE THEATER): Austin, there comes a time when men get caught up in a tempest of emotions. Rage, love, obsession, conviction. Every little piece wants their time. Every little thing wants their place. Someone has put me in a very unique position, Austin. When you awake, you will find yourself tied to the puppet strings of Madness. I am the puppeteer, Austin. Your movements are at my command now. Come Austin. Watch me control the dance.
AL SNOW: A mysterious, enigmatic message from Vertigo….
OMEGA: Meaning that he’s gonna whip the broken down jackass up and down the ring come next month.
AL SNOW: And that’s when we will see you all next time! Thank you and good-bye from the home of the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots!
OMEGA: Just had to cheap pop that shit in there, didn’t ya?