AL SNOW: Hello! Welcome to….another football place? Well, welcome to the site of the 2003 Pro Bowl! Welcome to Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii! I’m Al Snow and alongside me? The EWA President. Omega, how’s things?
OMEGA: Lookin’ at all those women shakin’ in their grass skirts. What the hell? Get the fat bitches outta here!
AL SNOW: I got to ask; what was the deal with the whole Brian Clark situation last month?
OMEGA: You expect me to just come out and say things? Sometimes, I like to do shit that’s obvious, but not so obvious. Gotta be real underlying. I could be simple, but I’m no simple guy. All I gotta say is that I’ve laid some ground work out there and what the bastard does with it, it’s up to him.
AL SNOW: Will we see the female presence we saw at No Chance?
OMEGA: I guarantee it.
AL SNOW: Everything’s pretty much covered then, I guess.
OMEGA: Then shut the fuck up and let Kitana Baker do her fuckin’ job.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! Three men will wrestle at the same time with a win coming via pin fall, submission or knock out. Your referee for this match will be Teri “Fyre” Byrne!
(“Dirt Off Your Shoulder” by Jay-Z plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the first challenger….From New York, New York….THE HITMAN!
AL SNOW: The Hitman coming to the ring with the same spiked chair he used to end the career of 3-Fold.
OMEGA: I don’t blame this fucker fo tryin’ to get extreme quick. Who says a match has to drag the fuck out?
AL SNOW: The Hitman has also been on a losing streak of late before ending 3-Fold’s career. Will it end here tonight?
OMEGA: Probably not. The son bitch used to be somebody but then he stopped trying. If he wants to end things on the positive, he better start bringin’ it.
AL SNOW: The Hitman standing in the corner waiting for the second man to be introduced here.
OMEGA: I suggest Kitana Baker gets her pretty ass out that ring. Whoever steps in is gonna get stepped on.
AL SNOW: She must’ve heard you. She’s leaving the ring and now taking the position to announce the next competitor from the outside the ring.
(“Unstable” plays so loud out of the P.A. System, it can be heard in a majority over Honolulu, Hawaii)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the second challenger….From Parts Unknown….WARRIOR!
OMEGA: Here comes Mr. I Gotta Run To The Ring. YOUR AIM SUCKS, SHITMAN!
AL SNOW: Hitman missing with that wild shot of the Spiked Chair and now Warrior is making him pay for it! Forearm shots to the head of The Hitman! Backs him into the corner. Warrior with an Irish Whip. Hitman reverses. Warrior reverses into a nice power slam!
OMEGA: Jason Asspain better haul down here before the match ends.
(“X” plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the final opponent….From Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada…..JASON CAIN!
AL SNOW: Jason Cain making his return to the EWA after resting his injuries.
OMEGA: Speak for your God damned self. All I hear is creaks and shit from his ass ’cause he’s tryin’ to run down to the ring. Fuckin’ 10W-40 couldn’t get those injury creaks to shut the hell up.
AL SNOW: He has to contend with Warrior who is, believe it or not, dominating Hitman.
OMEGA: Shitman should be fuckin’ ashamed of himself. Fuckin’ old ass Warrior dominatin’ his bitch ass. Now Jason gets some. What the fuck, man?
AL SNOW: Warrior floors Jason Cain as soon as he rolled in. Another clothesline as soon as he gets up. Again. And again. Warrior pumped. Off the ropes one more time and takes Jason Cain’s head off with the flying clothesline! Warrior off the ropes. Big splash!
OMEGA: That better not be fuckin’ it.
AL SNOW: Byrne slides in for the cover! 1! 2! Hitman makes a break!
OMEGA: I was about to say, man.
AL SNOW: Hitman working over Warrior kickin’ and stompin’ away. Warrior backs into the corner trying to get away.
OMEGA: Roll out the ring, dumb ass. You just askin’ fo….see. Look at Shitman just lay the kicks in now.
AL SNOW: Not something we see everyday. Warrior in the corner covering up. Trying to protect himself as well as anyone can against feet coming down.
OMEGA: Would someone PLEASE do something besides….not much of an improvement but it’s better than nothin’.
AL SNOW: Jason Cain hit Hitman with a nice superkick and immediately attacks the knee joins of Hitman! He’s kicking the knees, the shins, the calves and the thighs. He’s got the legs hooked. Sharpshooter! Scorpion Deathlock! Whatever you wanna call it!
OMEGA: Listen to Shitman scream like a little bitch.
AL SNOW: Cain could be a tap out away from winning! Teri Byrne asking him. Cain really locking in the hold now. Hitman looks ready to tap! Warrior kicks Cain in the back and he breaks the hold!
OMEGA: It’s about fuckin’ time Warrior stopped playin’ the good guy.
AL SNOW: Warrior looks in a true rage now! He whips Cain into the rope. Textbook powerslam! Warrior going to the outside. He grabs Hitman’s spiked chair!
OMEGA: Fuck all the Warrior’s in the crowd. The Warrior in the ring’s now out fo himself.
AL SNOW: Warrior slides in the chair. He slides in himself. Warrior, grabs Hitman. Suplex? No, he sets him up on the ropes. Warrior places the chair into position. Warrior looking for something here. Might be a top rope suplex onto the chair.
OMEGA: Nah. You think?
AL SNOW: I’m serious. When was the last time you saw Warrior do a top rope suplex? That’s what he’s going for. No! He’s going for a superplex! Warrior trying to end Hitman’s career here!
OMEGA: Go for it. Put that son bitch out his misery.
AL SNOW: If Warrior hits this superplex into the Spiked Chair, this match will no questionably be over. Warrior and Hitman now standing on the middle turnbuckle.
OMEGA: They forgot about somebody.
AL SNOW: Jason Cain starting to stir.
OMEGA: Bullshit. His bitch ass is okay. He’s waitin’.
AL SNOW: Warrior and Hitman are perched on the top rope! Warrior has him hooked! Here comes Cain! Runs up to the second rope! Hooks Warrior! UP AND OVER SUPERPLEX! Warrior hit the superplex! Cain hit his version of the Judgment Slam from the second turnbuckle! Cain with the cover on Warrior! Teri Byrne in position! 1! 2! 3! Cain wins it!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….JASON CAIN!
OMEGA: Asspain’s got company.
AL SNOW: Look out, Jason! STAR ATTRACTION! PYB came out the crowd and hit the superkick he calls the Star Attraction on Jason Cain!
OMEGA: Corny fuckin’ name but at least he’s got the mentality right. Got enemies? Keep ’em close and underfoot.
AL SNOW: PYB talking the trash to Jason Cain.
OMEGA: Why can’t you say what he said? Nothin’ wrong with “looks like I just kicked off your fucking jaw.”
AL SNOW: PYB delivering a message as he leaves the ring.
OMEGA: Where the hell is he goin’? He leaves Jason like that and Jason’s gonna hunt his ass like some bitch obsessed fo some dick.
AL SNOW: Jason Cain eyeing PYB down as he makes his way backstage. Hitman hit the spiked chair but he’s moving. Warrior hasn’t budged. He hit his neck hard when Cain hit the Up And Over.
OMEGA: We got a broken down old man in the ring and some spike chair jackass all hurt. Someone come out here and clean this shit up.
AL SNOW: PYB making an impact here on March Madness on Jason Cain as Jason disappears into the back looking for PYB. Hitman rolls out the ring. The paramedics are attending Warrior who may have just wrestled his last match here in the EWA.
OMEGA: Are you gonna make obvious fuckin’ statements all day? PY-Bitch came out here and whipped Asspain like he owed him money. Asspain’s gonna get revenge and he’s gonna get it a few times over. At least Asspain beat Shitman & Boreior before PY-Bitch came out here and checked his chin. Look at that piece of shit Boreior get stretched out here. Get the body bag. His career has died.
AL SNOW: The Hitman being helped out here as well as we get ready for our next match.
OMEGA: Guess what? This bullshit started like a lot of the other matches here. I’m not gonna go into how or why. Let’s just get this thing started.
(“Leviathan” kicks up over the P.A. System in Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall. Your referee for this match with be Kristi Myst! First, from Arlington, Virginia….BATISTA!
AL SNOW: Batista made a huge impact last month when he hit the Demon Bomb, what he calls the Batista Bomb on Jay Mack that arguably cost him the match against Vertigo at No Chance.
OMEGA: Let me school ya on somethin’, man. This mothafuckah ASKED fo a piece of Jay Mack. He wanted the man in the ring. I didn’t give a shit. You want it? You got it. Just remember, jackass, you ASKED for what’s about to happen.
AL SNOW: Let’s show how this match came to be.
(Footage of Hardcore Theater plays)
AL SNOW: Jay just clocked Vertigo with the motorcycle helmet just like he did during Killing Field! Jay Mack….WHOA! Batista just leaped out the audience and is now attacking Jay! Batista is attacking Jay Mack!
OMEGA: I heard a few rumors that Bitchtista wanted a piece of The Nothin’ Deal and he’s claimin’ his chunk now.
AL SNOW: Batista with a hard Irish Whip and Jay is sent head first into the steel steps!
OMEGA: Verti-blow fell for an old school trick and The Nothin’ Deal never saw Bitchtista comin’. These two are gettin’ sloppy.
AL SNOW: Batista now rolls a practically lifeless Jay into the middle of the ring. Jay Mack, once dominant, now barely on his feet. Tylene Buck standing as far back as she can. Batista hooks Jay Mack. BATISTA BOMB! He hit the Batista Bomb on Jay Mack!
OMEGA: He hit it all too. Stiffness included. The Nothin’ Deal’s like “where the fuck my oxygen go?”
AL SNOW: And now, Batista leaving the ring.
OMEGA: Damage done. Message sent.
(Footage on Hardcore Theater ends)
OMEGA: Maybe now, things can get back to the matter of hand.
AL SNOW: Batista making his way down to the ring looking focused and fearless.
OMEGA: Bullshit. You don’t know anything about “wrestling pokerfaces” do you? He’s scared as hell.
(“When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000 plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….From Miami, Florida….he is The Real Deal….JAY MACK!
AL SNOW: Did you do that?
AL SNOW: Have Jay’s original music play.
OMEGA: Just a little kick in the ass to say as you move on, you go on and you don’t ever forget.
AL SNOW: Jay’s not wasting any time! He’s full speed ahead coming to the ring!
OMEGA: Tryin’ to get that ass whippin’ out real quick, huh?
AL SNOW: Batista giving Jay some huge forearm shots but Jay just takes takes him down and starts to hammer rights and lefts in.
OMEGA: Well educated in wrestling, everybody kicks that shit out of the window when they find out straight up fighting works well.
AL SNOW: Jay with a low blow and laying the steps in!
OMEGA: The weekly guys talk so much shit about the monthly stuff. Then, they show up.
AL SNOW: We got company. Shawn Michaels coming down to the ring as Jay lays the kicks into Batista.
OMEGA: Just a head game being played. Let’s see if Jay plays it.
AL SNOW: Jay has notices Shawn now and has focused his attention away from Batista as he and HBK exchange words.
OMEGA: Bad move, jackass. You just fucked up in the beginning of the game.
AL SNOW: Shawn and Jay saying all the words you’d think they say. You were right, Omega, Batista’s pounced and ready.
OMEGA: I’m always right.
AL SNOW: Huge spinebuster the second Jay turns around! The same move he used to take him down at No Chance!
OMEGA: What the fuck is Shawn so happy fo? I don’t wanna see no male cheerleadin’ damn it.
AL SNOW: Batista signaling for the end. He picks Jay up. Underhook. BATISTA BOMB! Batista hitting all of his sitdown powerbomb.
OMEGA: You call jumpin’ up and celebratin’ like he just won a $300 million lotto sittin’ down?
AL SNOW: Batista’s sure he got a win. A high five with Shawn? Is Batista now with DX?
OMEGA: Probably not. He’s probably still butty-butty with Tri-punk H. Jackass still ain’t learned nothin’. Preparation H and even Ric Fag couldn’t pound a lesson into his skull. Dumb ass.
AL SNOW: Batista with the cover. Myst in position. 1! 2! Jay Mack kicked out!
OMEGA: And now, we got another fucker with the “I can’t believe he kicked out of my finisher” look on his face. This is the EWA, fucker. Finishers don’t necessarily mean the end.
AL SNOW: Batista also with the look of confusion. What will he have to do to beat Jay Mack? Batista picking Jay up again. Looks like another Batista Bomb. Jay Mack with a low blow!
OMEGA: Big or small, every guy getting hit in the nuts hurt. Every guy except for m, of course. My dick can take it. Yours could to if you got all the pussy I get.
AL SNOW: Batista, grimacing in pain. Me, trying to concentrate on this match. Jay Mack off the ropes and hits Batista with a flying forearm!
OMEGA: What the hell is Bitchtista fuckin’ cryin’ about?
AL SNOW: Batitsa started to scream in pain as soon as Jay hit him. Oh man, look at his eye!
OMEGA: All the fuckin’ hardcore and extreme matches you’ve been in and seen and you get all “ugh” over Batista’s eye being fucked up?
AL SNOW: Batista in some serious pain. Kick to the gut. REAL DEAL DRIVER! Jay just muscled Batista up into the Real Deal Driver! Cover! Myst in position! 1! 2! 3! Jay defeats the monster Batista!
OMEGA: Let Kitana do her job.
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner…..”THE REAL DEAL” JAY MACK!
AL SNOW: Jay Mack with an impressive win over Batista and OOOOOOHHHHHH! He just got laid out by HBK and Sweet Chin Music.
OMEGA: PY-Bitch comes out, kicks Jason Asspain in the jaw and tells the EWA crowd how he’s attracted to Static Star. Has Been Kid comes out here, kicks The Nothin’ Deal in the jaw and tells the world that he likes blow jobs so much, it’s like music to his sweet chin. Since when did this become the fuckin’ Superkick Show?
AL SNOW: It’s almost a show of “can you top this” as HBK and PYB both do the same thing to people they hate. Who had the better super kick?
OMEGA: Me. I have the best superkick. So good, it didn’t need to show.
AL SNOW: Jay making pretty short work of Batista despite another type of run in; this time by Shawn Michaels. Shawn talking the smack as he leaves Jay lying in the ring.
OMEGA: Bitchtista asked fo it. He asked for it, man. Old Fartbreak surprised him with that Evolution shit but he still got his ass whipped by The Nothin’ Deal. If you don’t see me after this ends, it’s ’cause me and Jay are gonna be cruisin’ Honolulu in the stretch money green Hummer limo pickin’ up fine Hawaiian bitches left and right. I got they Hawaiian Punch right here.
AL SNOW: As Jay speeds to the back chasing HBK, this next match has a last chance comeback feel to it.
OMEGA: The Retro Pussy shoulda been prepared. Instead, he wants to bitch ’cause I changed shit in the middle of the match. Yo man, this is the EWA, damn it. You shoulda been prepared fo anything. No wonder you got yo ass whipped. Kid Dummy? He can come out and correct locations but can’t make an appearance to save his fuckin’ live.
(“Money, Power, Respect” by Junior Mafia echoes throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is schedules for one fall. Your referee for this match is Tylene Buck. Introducing first….from Brooklyn, New York….KID MONEY!
AL SNOW: Kid Money coming down to the ring. He has had trouble as of late trying to rebuild his EWA career.
OMEGA: Fuck that. All this mothafuckah can do these days is offer his stupid fuckin’ opinion with no one askin’. Yo man, why don’t you try doin’ what you use to do and that’s show these EWA fuckers who you are?
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry is heard in Honolulu)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: Kid Money in the ring and standing on the corner looking for Retro Playa. Is that him right there? Where did he come from?
OMEGA: Under the ring, jackass. I better not find piss or shit under there. Knowin’ him, I better not find busted nut under there. Fuckin’ jack-off.
AL SNOW: Kid Money has no idea that the Retro Playa is already out here! Retro Playa spears him in the back and Money slumps onto the top rope.
OMEGA: Dumb ass hit his head on the turnbuckle pole too.
AL SNOW: Retro now climbing out the ropes. Another superplex?
OMEGA: Not from there. Looks like a top rope Cutting Edge.
AL SNOW: This match is going to be over fast! Retro muscling Money up for a top rope Cutting Edge! He’s got him hooked! He’s gonna do it! OH NO! RETRO JUST SLIPPED FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!
OMEGA: Crowd gets its “holy shit” moment.
AL SNOW: Tylene Buck covered her mouth in awe! She’s looking outside! Retro is draped over Money! She makes a count! 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: The Retro Playa making short work out of Kid Money but at a cost. Do we have footage of what happened?
OMEGA: Kid Dummy got made to look like he didn’t belong. He didn’t show so he don’t belong. Punk ass bitch.
AL SNOW: Okay. We’re watchin’ the extreme flashback on Hardcore Theater. Retro had good position. He has him hooked. I don’t see anything wrong with his….it was Money! Money started to wave his legs and from there, he and Retro fell! Retro and Money falling. You see Retro release the suplex. Trying to get a hold of Money to turn in into another move. OOOOOOHHHH! Retro landed hard on his back but that’s nothing to what happened to Money. He landed hard at where his shoulders meet his neck. Money goes limp and the impact of Retro’s landing was so hard, he actually bounced off the floor onto Money. Both men are completely unconscious. You see Tylene come into view. She makes the count and it’s over.
OMEGA: Maybe someone could take that dumb mask off Lone Jobber now and ask him if he wasn’t wearin’ the stupid thing in the first place, he could have gotten away a little less hurt.
AL SNOW: I’ve heard that rumor too and I don’t believe Lone Jobber and Retro Playa are the same person.
OMEGA: Bullshit. This is just like you and Avatar. I’ve known Lone Jobber longer than you. We go back to when he used to write stuff for Mortis back in XHWF. He’s not beyond creating a whole different persona to give an illusion of being someone else. Son bitch was always ashamed to just be himself and it ain’t nothin’ new to me.
AL SNOW: Kid Money, being taken out of here by stretcher as we prepare for the next match. Retro being taken out as well.
OMEGA: That’s right. No fuckin’ respect for that fucker who ain’t earned it. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about Retro too and yeah, you know why I’m talkin’ about yo bitch ass.
AL SNOW: Now, we look at the cage being lowered as we get set for Caged Madness. I don’t know if I sound emotionless or not but this is the Extreme Wrestling Alliance. To all the guys who might see this replay or hear this and think we don’t care, we do.
OMEGA: Speak fo yo God damned self. Fuck ’em all.
AL SNOW: It’s just that it’s what you’re expected to do. Just like Randy Savage is expected to do well in this cage because it’s the same cage seen in the “Spider-Man” movie starring Tobey Maguire.
OMEGA: Nacho Man acted in this bitch. Let’s see if he can actually fight in it.
AL SNOW: The last time Randy Savage was in this cage, he was playing the role of “Bonesaw.” The cage is waiting to close as we wait for the wrestlers to be introduced to the ring.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is a CAGED MADNESS Match! The participants will be enclosed in the cage. They will have a person of their choice pass them weapons from outside of the cage to be used at will. The referee for this match will be Terri Runnels! She will call the match from outside of the cage. The match will be called if an opponent is down for a three count in knockout rules.
(“Be A Man” by Randy Savage plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the first contestant….from Sarasota, Florida….being accompanied to the ring by Brian Adams….He is “THE MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE!
OMEGA: Why do you got these mothafuckas who think they can rap?
AL SNOW: Randy Savage now coming down to the ring with his real life bodyguard.
OMEGA: I saw Brian “Atom Bum” Clark smokin’ on a bit of the Kronic earlier and I definitely saw more of Gorgeous George than Nacho would ever see. They can’t be far behind.
AL SNOW: Savage now in the ring studying his surroundings a bit as he waits for his opponent.
OMEGA: No acting or stunt doubles this time, jackass. It’s real this time.
(“The End Is Near” plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing his opponent….from Denver, Colorado….being accompanied to the ring by Prodigy….DRAGON!
AL SNOW: Dragon makes the obvious choice in a person to pass him a weapon in Prodigy.
OMEGA: The smart thing to do. Get someone who’s blood or like blood. Addumbs just works for Nacho Man. That makes Produgly a better choice.
AL SNOW: Do you have to screw up everyone’s name on purpose?
OMEGA: Hell yeah. I’m surrounded by fuck ups. I’ll fuck up their names too.
AL SNOW: Dragon now in the cage and it closes. No referee in the ring. There’s the bell and Savage rushes Dragon!
OMEGA: The only hope in hell for tiny Nacho is to rush big but not as big as me Drag-on and hope he can try to catch him off-guard.
AL SNOW: Savage firing rights and now grabs Dragon by the face and rakes him. Dragon blinded temporarily. Savage has Dragon in the corner and now hammers him in the corner with rights.
OMEGA: The damn 10 count punch.
AL SNOW: The crowd counting along and uh-oh! Dragon picks him up and is about to…..OW! Savage is biting him across the nose!
OMEGA: Looks like he’s fuckin’ kissin him to me.
AL SNOW: Dragon drops Savage and Savage drops Dragon with a clothesline.
OMEGA: I remember that shit. He did that in WWF Superstars in the arcade game back in the ’80s.
AL SNOW: Savage picking Dragon up by the head and he rams him in the cage! Savage, surprisingly dominant here!
OMEGA: Drag-on should be fuckin’ ashamed of himself.
AL SNOW: Savage is now asking for something from Brian Adams. The steel chain! We saw Savage come out with this in his EWA debut and now he’s wrapping it around his fist! Savage waiting for Dragon to get up. Savage with a right hand to Dragon and Dragon went down fast because Savage had that chair wrapped around his hand! Savage takes the chain off and looks ready to end this match.
OMEGA: He’s wastin’ fuckin’ time twirlin’ his fingers when he could be throwin’ ‘bos at Dragon.
AL SNOW: Savage headed to the turnbuckle and Dragon grabs his ankles. Savage laying in the kicks to try to get Dragon to let go. Every time Savage lands something, Dragon gets up a little bit more.
OMEGA: This is where he should stop but he won’t ’cause his bitch ass is desperate.
AL SNOW: With each blow, Dragon is up that much more. Savage bounces off the ropes to try for some momentum and he’s flattened by a big boot! Dragon a little groggy but making his way toward where Prodigy is standing. He’s going to call for his first weapon. Steel chair. I’ve seen all and used all but when it comes right down to it, nothing’s more reliable than the chair. Savage rolling to his back and is up. Dragon sends him right back down with that chair shot that just echoed throughout Aloha Stadium!
OMEGA: Did no favors for his growing bald spot.
AL SNOW: Dragon not wasting any time. He tosses the chair aside and approaches Savage. Dragon, hovering over the back of Savage. Might be looking for the Camel Clutch. No! DRAGON CLUTCH! Dragon with another namesake move as he locks in the combination Camel Clutch slash Dragon Sleeper on Savage!
OMEGA: He’s been watchin’ the tapes I told him about. Good for him.
AL SNOW: Savage is tapping but that doesn’t matter! You can only win in a three count knockout! For that to happen, you’ve got to be down and motionless. No one has been like that. Dragon goes back and gets something from Prodigy. I have no idea what it is. Whatever it is, Dragon is hiding it well. Could it be some rolled quarters taped up? Maybe it’s actually brass knuckles.
OMEGA: Why don’t you shut the fuck up and find the fuck out?
AL SNOW: Savage starting to move. He’s got the mask now.
OMEGA: I’m gettin’ real sick and tired of mothafuckahs callin’ that bleedin’.
AL SNOW: Dragon doing something with whatever he has in his hand. He has his back turned to Savage but is peering over his shoulder. Savage up. Runs in with the double ax handle. DRAGON JUST THREW A FIREBALL AT HIM! I haven’t seen that in years! This is the first time I’ve seen that in the EWA!
OMEGA: That’s ’cause you got so many mothafuckahs tryin’ to innovate, they forget all about the bread and butter.
AL SNOW: Savage writhing in pain. Dragon is not wasting time. He takes the chain Savage brought in and….ties it around his boot?
OMEGA: Maybe I shoulda called this shit “Night Of The Living Foot And Fucked Up Superplexes” or “KickFest And Fuck Up A Superplex 2004,” damn it.
AL SNOW: Savage still in pain and Dragon’s just measuring him. He delivers the chained boot to Savage! Savage just went limp!
OMEGA: Gorgeous George said he’s got that problem to.
AL SNOW: Savage hasn’t moved since Dragon connected with that boot. They are now lifting the cage for Terri to make the count. 1! 2! 3! He’s out!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner and NEW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE EWA CHAMPIONSHIP….DRAGON!
OMEGA: Now you can get that old piece of shit out of my ring.
AL SNOW: Dragon almost out of it but he wins out in Caged Madness here.
OMEGA: Didn’t expect Fossil Man to give him that much run.
AL SNOW: The cage lifts up completely and here comes Prodigy. He’s helping Dragon out the ring quickly.
OMEGA: I would too. Drag-on and Produgly ain’t in no shape for the possible high times they might run into tonight.
AL SNOW: Here comes Brian Clark and Gorgeous George in the ring now. Team Madness in full force out here as Dragon and Prodigy exit through the crowd.
OMEGA: Drag-on and Produgly avoided the jump by becoming ghost and all Team Madness can do is help their leader to the back.
AL SNOW: And now, as the cage rises out of sight, we are at the final match. EWA Championship on the line. Vertigo. Austin. Will the recent trend of new champion a month stop with Austin or will Vertigo climb the Stairway To Hell twice to become the new EWA Champion?
OMEGA: I’ve kept it simple. Only one piece of barbed wire and it’s the one hanging up there in the ring. There’s more barbed wire in the EWA version of Stairway To Hell but I want to try the one piece for this month. It might open up offense a bit. Now the people who’ve been livin’ in caves or hidin’ under rocks know what the deal is.
AL SNOW: Before we get to this main event, I’ve been notified that there is a strange situation going on in the back. We take you live to April Hunter. April?
APRIL HUNTER: Al, I’ve been notified by a few of the people backstage here that there have been strange noises coming from Batista’s dressing room. I know for a fact that Batista left the arena long ago to get his left eye checked out. You can pick up the sound from here.
VOICE FROM INSIDE: I want the results. Hurry up with the results.
APRIL HUNTER: That voice sounds familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to take the initiative. (Opens door) What’s going on in….DEAR GOD! DEREK BITTLE HAS A DILDO GLUED TO THE WALL AND IS FUCKING HIMSELF IN THE ASS!
OMEGA: She sounds surprised.
AL SNOW: Well, I’m gonna have plenty of nightmares tonight.
APRIL HUNTER: What in the name in all that is holy are you doing?
DEREK BITTLE: It’s not what it looks like! I swear! Okay, I admit it. I like it like that in my ass.
APRIL HUNTER: But what about all that stuff about results?
DEREK BITTLE: I can’t wait for results and despite the fact you know me for what I do, I had the nerve to rush a guy for them. I’m paying the price for my stupidity.
APRIL HUNTER: I’m going to send it to you guys. PLEASE TAKE IT FROM HERE!
OMEGA: I didn’t need to see that but it was somethin’ that makes for a good warning. Just take a look at that mothafuckah. Look at that picture. Now, he’ll tell yo ass that it’s an old picture but how old is it? Have you seen the way that mothafuckah does things? That picture is NOT that old. And he has the nerve to call mothafuckahs little boys and shit? For six long years, you’ve done nothin’ but suck. You’ve gotten on people’s nerves ’cause it’s the only damn way you’re gonna EVER get any attention. I mean, it worked, right? You got you God damned Harry fuckin’ Potter picture in this bitch. Why don’t you try being fuckin’ decent instead of pullin’ bullshit? Fuck you, ya little bitch. I don’t care what ya do after this because you deserve every God damned thing that happens you. You wanna act like a bitch? You gonna get stamped out like one. Punk ass mothafuckah. Elite one my ass. Don’t fuck with the bull, boy. Horns in yo ass is bad fo ya health.
AL SNOW: We’re gonna try to move on here. That was really disturbing.
OMEGA: I’m really fuckin’ disturbin’. Did that little bitch think he could come at me like that and expect nothin’ to happen? His bitch ass better think again.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is an EWA CHAMPIONSHIP STAIRWAY TO HELL Match! Barbed Wire will be suspended in the middle of the ring. The only way to reach it by way of a steel ladder. The goal is to first grab the piece of barbed wire, climb down the ladder and use the wire as you see fit. To be declared the winner, you must again climb the ladder to reach the EWA Championship that hangs suspended above the ring. The referee for this match will be Lizzie Borden!
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….the challenger….from Atlanta, Georgia….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Vertigo is coming in the heave favorite here. With each passing month, the challenger has become champion. Will that continue tonight?
OMEGA: If Verti-blow brings it to the broken down jackass, we will see him continue that unofficial streak.
AL SNOW: Vertigo in the ring and he peers at many of the ladders that are around and looks skyward at the barbed wire and EWA Championship hanging even higher above it.
OMEGA: He should be lookin’ at the entrance ’cause that’s where Austin’s gonna come from.
(“Glass Shatters” plays throughout Aloha Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Now, introducing the champion….from Victoria, Texas….he is the EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….”STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN!
AL SNOW: Austin coming to the ring hell-bent on stopping the “curse” that has come by champions before him.
OMEGA: Just like fuckin’ Jason Asspain, I can hear his injuries all the way over fuckin’ here. RETIRE, FUCKER!
AL SNOW: Austin making his way down to the ring. Passes Vertigo and celebrates up on the corner!
OMEGA: You fuckin’ dumb ass!
AL SNOW: Vertigo waste no time and immediately attacks Austin from the back!
OMEGA: Unlike what we saw with Derek, this is how I want to see someone get attacked. Punch and kick. No middle leg drop anywhere.
AL SNOW: Austin unable to fight back as Vertigo pounds him with forearms and elbows. Vertigo slides under. Crucifix Sit-down Powerbomb from the middle turnbuckle! Nice move!
OMEGA: Verti-blow actually showed how smart he was. He did a move that would concentrate on Austin’s bad neck.
AL SNOW: Vertigo sits up immediately. Locks in a Figure Four!
OMEGA: Verti-blow ain’t fuckin’ around. He’s goin’ fo all of broken down jackasses’ weaknesses. Knee braces ain’t nothin’ but a big fuckin’ target.
AL SNOW: Austin is hurting and Vertigo is starting to talk trash. Big trash.
OMEGA: It’s ’cause he and broken down jackass are garbage.
AL SNOW: Vertigo trying to put more pressure into the hold as he lays in more talk. Austin flips him off and wails him with a right hand! Austin’s trying to turn it! Vertigo fighting the turn! Austin reverses the hold and now, Vertigo has to let go!
OMEGA: No he don’t. Guys like him get a rush from the pain he’s in. Remember?
AL SNOW: Do I? Why, I can remember….argh. Vertigo releases the hold but not without that smile some of us get.
OMEGA: Bunch of fuckin’ psychotic freaks. All of ya.
AL SNOW: Are we? Vertigo and Austin now favoring their legs. Vertigo off the ropes! Lou The…no! Austin reverses into a spinebuster!
OMEGA: I guess if anybody knows how to reverse the LOU THE NO Press, it’s Austin.
AL SNOW: Lou The No?
OMEGA: That’s what you just called it a while back.
AL SNOW: That’s not what I meant! Austin off the ropes. Drops the elbow!
OMEGA: Amazing that broken down jackass can get cocky over a handful of moves.
AL SNOW: Austin now moving Vertigo. Drapes him over the middle rope. Austin with momentum, drops the leg over his throat! Austin rolling with the momentum. Vertigo tries to drag himself up. Austin hammers him continuously with right hands. Vertigo slumps into the corner. Austin looking to the crowd for approval. Starts with the stomps!
OMEGA: I don’t wanna hear the “what’s” but it looks like I don’t got a choice. Die, WWE, die!
AL SNOW: Austin in control after laying in those stomps! Austin really cocky now!
OMEGA: He’s shakin’ his head when he should be whippin’ Verti-blow’s ass.
AL SNOW: Vertigo, unbelievably still trying to stagger up. Has no idea where he is. STUNNER! Austin just hit the Stone Cold Stunner on Vertigo!
OMEGA: Doesn’t matter if Vertigo knew where he was or not ’cause now he’s just facin’ the lights.
AL SNOW: Austin could just be two ladder climbs away from retaining the EWA Championship! Austin headed toward the International Announce Table. He’s got the work gloves. He’s going for the barbed wire!
OMEGA: Who the hell put work gloves out here?
AL SNOW: Austin headed for the entrance where the ladder is. Vertigo still down from the Stunner. Austin makes his way to the entrance. He folds the ladder straight and is now coming back to the ring.
OMEGA: He’s runnin’ his mouth when he should be runnin’ to win this match.
AL SNOW: Austin pushes the ladder into the ring and now gets in. A stomp to the back of Vertigo’s head for good measure. Austin sets the ladder. Austin is taking the Stairway To Hell!
OMEGA: Stop it with the Jim Ross shit.
AL SNOW: Austin halfway up to the ladder. Vertigo half way up himself. Austin sees him and now is hurrying up the ladder. Vertigo on his knee. Austin’s got the Barbed Wire! Vertigo pushes the ladder from underneath him! Austin is hanging on to the wire for dear life!
OMEGA: Just a reaction, asshole. That wire can’t support his weight. He’s goin’ down any minute now.
AL SNOW: Vertigo now laying the ladder down! Austin will have no choice but to land on the ladder! NO! Just like you predicted, the wire snapped and Austin fell back first onto the ladder! Vertigo set that up as well as I’ve seen anyone do it. He’s got the barbed wire now!
OMEGA: No bitch ass gloves either.
AL SNOW: Why is he putting the wire down? He’s looking around for something.
OMEGA: Probably a fuckin’ clue.
AL SNOW: Vertigo coming out and looking for something under the ring. Vertigo grabs a table! What in the hell does he have planned?
OMEGA: Fear Factor, bitch.
AL SNOW: Vertigo looking to end it all with his finisher. Vertigo slides in the table and grabs the barbed wire. Why is he wrappin’ it around the table?
OMEGA: Gonna put a little hot sauce on the Fear Factor.
AL SNOW: Vertigo not taking any chances. Using whatever he can think of to seal himself as the new champion tonight. Austin is finally starting to come to but Vertigo has already finished wrapping that wire around the table. Vertigo sees him and he’s now waiting. Austin, using everything he’s got left just to get up. He’s up! Vertigo inverts him! THAT’S INCREDIBLE! RIGHT ON THE LADDER!
OMEGA: Tell me he finally broke the broken down jackass.
AL SNOW: Austin is out cold! Vertigo picks up the ladder. Sets it in position. He’s now climbing the ladder! Vertigo is only a couple of rungs away from becoming the new EWA Champion. He’s stopping. Why is he stopping? He’s climbing back down! Why?
OMEGA: Why are you askin’ me like I’m gonna tell you? He’s used a hint and if you can’t catch on, that’s yo on dumb ass fault.
AL SNOW: Vertigo is now picking up Austin. Austin unable to fight back. Vertigo lies Austin onto the barbed wire table!
OMEGA: If Broken Down Jackass was awake, he’d be cryin’ like a little bitch right now.
AL SNOW: Vertigo, now he’s going back up the ladder! He’s climbing! He at the top! He’s got the belt but he’s not unstrapping it! He’s using it to swing! The belt pops! SHOOTING STAR FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH AND HE AND AUSTIN GO THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE TABLE! How? How did he?
OMEGA: Why in the hell do you think he was swingin’? He turned his body as soon as the belt snapped. It’s called control. Purg probably taught it to him.
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….AND NEW EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Three months and three new champions! Retro Playa! Steve Austin! Now, there is Vertigo!
OMEGA: He’s the only champion to end the career of another.
AL SNOW: Will Vertigo keep his title or lose it in April to Dragon who is giving Vertigo some applause up on the stage now.
OMEGA: That’s sarcastic applause, jackass. It’s the applause that says “enjoy it while it lasts, bitch. I’m gettin’ the gold come April.”
AL SNOW: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are out of time! We’ll see you in April.
OMEGA: Strange Days are ahead in April where once again, I turn this fucker upside down.