Summer Olympics 2005

AL SNOW: Welcome everyone to the beautiful land of Bejing, China! Home to the future 2008 Olympics! I’m Al Snow and once again joining me is “I’m still gonna wait and see what he does” Purgatory ready to call this with me. Got something on your mind?

PURGATORY: You mean besides the fact I wonder how we’re the first wrestling venue to once again do it? We’re the first to come to you from China and how for the EWA fans, the Olympics come early? Well, I was thinking….what was I thinking? TRAIN OF THOUGHT WRECKS INSIDE MY HEAD! BEAR WITNESS TO THIS PURGATORY DISASTER LIVE!

AL SNOW: While you get your train of thought back, the Summer Olympics EWA style’s got some unique matches including the debut of “Insane” Eden Sykes on the month as well as several tag matches with one being another first called “Lighting Of The Torch” and perhaps the most grueling match in the EWA ever as far as stamina goes in the Triathlon Match where Ironman, Ultimate Submission and a Olympic Weapons Match, another new EWA extreme set of rules match, combine to form a match that is guaranteed to go 90 minutes. That’s an hour and a half of wrestling, people.

PURGATORY: That shatters how long me and Shawn went. Makes our 70 look like a baby. They’re gonna have to pace themselves big time or crasdh and burn so ugly we’ll get kicked out of China. Hey! It’s Kitana Baker! You got to wait to talk now, Al! It’s time to ge this party started!

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall! your referee for this event will be TYLENE BUCK!

(“Last Resort” by Papa Roach plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: First, introducing from Chicago, Illinois….MIDNIGHTER!

AL SNOW: Midnighter put out an impressive showing considering his first match was an EWA Championship Match.

PURGATORY: Why do all the new guys get World Title shots?

AL SNOW: A EWA Monthly tradition, almost. Almost like the all-female referee squad and would you lok at this? EMT’s already around the ring. Which one of these guys are gonna get “the ride?”

PURGATORY: Don’t ask me. Maybe both? At least we can count on someone bleeding.

(“Am I Going Insane?” by Black Sabbath plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent, from Reading, Pennsylvania….”INSANE” EDEN SYKES!

AL SNOW: Eden Sykes has not lived up to the potential he has shown but maybe, he can prove that here.

PURGATORY: Any one of us can say that walk to the ring tells if you have what it takes. Sykes looks like a bundle of nerves.

AL SNOW: Sykes slides into the OH MAN! What did Midnighter just hit him with? A chain?

PURGATORY: That’s what it looked like to me. That thick tow chain I’ve seen him have on his bike.

AL SNOW: Midnighter nailed Sykes in the back of the head and the blood is flowing now. Sykes pretty much out of it. Midnighter dragging Sykes over to the ropes and hangs him in the middle. 619?

PURGATORY: He’s not Rey Mysterio, Al.

AL SNOW: Midnighter goes outside of the ring onto the apron. What was that?

PURGATORY: Besides a nasty kick to the head? It looked like a kickstart to me?

AL SNOW: Like on a bike? Midnighter getting real nasty here. I think he’s ready to end this. Midnighter muscles Sykes up. MIDNIGHT RIDE!

PURGATORY: Everyone likes The Happy Place.

AL SNOW: Buck in position! 1! 2! 3! Midnighter gets the dominating win!

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner….MIDNIGHTER!

PURGATORY: Midnighter making short work of Sykes here. The EMT’s are getting to Sykes quick and just as they go out, new EMT’s come in. Very efficient. They beat Midnighter back to the back.

AL SNOW: Beijing gets to see some early blood and now, they get to see some tag action.

PURGATORY: Mainly, they get to see Kitana announce the 2 teams.

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match set for one fall! Your referee for this event will be BECKY BAYLESS!

(“X-Factor” by Uncle Kracker plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: First, introducing the team of X-PAC AND AMAZING RED!

AL SNOW: X-Pac and Amazing Red once again trying to get their team effort restarted here. Still no Heyman.

PURGATORY: Think maybe he was fired?

AL SNOW: That would explain things.

PURGATORY: That’s still no excuse for….

(“Empire” by Queensryche plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

AL SNOW: I don’t know this music.

PURGATORY: Pac and Red look confused. Glad I’m not the only one.

AL SNOW: Here come Payne Killer and Subway! Where they under the ring all this time? Pac and Red have no idea and now they do! Killer and Subway all over Pac and Red! Bayless calls for the beel while all 4 men are on the outside.

PURGATORY: They didn’t have time to muster up a defense! They’re helpless!

AL SNOW: Payne Killer sends Red flying into the steel barricade out here and now Subway is walking a bloodied X-Pac to the ring. How’d he cut X-Pac so fast?

PURGATORY: Knife Of Chaos. Remember?

AL SNOW: Subway rolls in the ring and Payne Killer’s out here walking Red and sends him HEAD-FIRST into the steel steps! Ouch! Red’s busted open!

PURGATORY: Subway’s got X-Pac up for an Electric Chair. He’s not dropping him though.

AL SNOW: Subway with X-Pac up on his shoulders. Paynke Killer, from the outside climbing up to the top. THIRD IMPACT! Their version of the Doomsday Device! Subway with the cover! Bayless in position! 1! 2! 3! Over!

PURGATORY: It didn’t even start.

KITANA BAKER: Here are your winners by way of pin fall….PAYNE KILLER….SUBWAY….THIRD WORLD EMPIRE!

AL SNOW: Third World Empire dominating X-Pac and Amazing Red here and making short work of the team.

PURGATORY: Red and X-Pac seem lost without Paul Heyman. They need to either hire someone else or regroup or something.

AL SNOW: Well, as the EMT’s who are now around the ring like lumberjacks carry X-Pac and Amazing Red to the back, we get set for our next tag team match.

PURGATORY: It might be longer. Might.

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall! Your referee for this event will be APRIL HUNTER!

(“The World Is Black” by Good Charlotte plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)


AL SNOW: I know who they are but the question is where are they?

PURGATORY: I don’t see them either. It’s not like they can’t hear the announcement. Maybe they’re both taking shits?

AL SNOW: Doubtfully. What now?

PURGATORY: Hey, Kitana! Go ahead and announce Camera Chaos. Maybe both teams will come out fighting!

(“The Harsh Truth Of The Camera Eye” by Morrissey plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)


AL SNOW: Camera Chaos has been introduced. No Camera Chaos.

PURGATORY: Where is everyone? We got camera crews heading to the back. We’ll find something out. Who’s room is that?

AL SNOW: That’s the locker room of the Old World Alliance. Berserk and The Dark One are out!

PURGATORY: They could still be conscious. In bloody heaps but conscious.

AL SNOW: Both Berserk and The Dark One have been obviously jumped here. Berserk and The Dark One aren’t small men. Who could’ve done this?

PURGATORY: It had to be someone big or two guys who got it like that.

AL SNOW: The Old World Alliance taken out of commission. What about Camera Chaos? What happened to them?

PURGATORY: Well, the crew just entered their locker room. Aw man, they’ve been laid out too!

AL SNOW: Ned Tesseract and Jay Jixhel both lying unconscious and bleeding. Who has done this to them?

PURGATORY: Unlike the Old World Alliance, you can see what happened to them. A bloody ball and chain and “Lone Jobber was here” spelled out in broken Gundam parts. Never mess with a man’s collectibles, Al.

AL SNOW: Both teams clearly unable to compete. April Hunter making her decision to Kitana Baker. Here comes the announcement.

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Hunter has informed me that it is her decision that this match be declaired a NO CONTEST!

PURGATORY: Wasn’t much of a choice.

AL SNOW: Well, April leaves the ring and we’ll try to actually get a match inside the ring here. Hardcore Theater displays that tower. That’s the tower that either DX or The New Impact Players need to walk up on and on top of the tower, lies the main torch waiting to be lit as we get set for one of our main events here. The tag team championship match between DX versus Rob Van Dam and Justin Credible. Should be a classic.

PURGATORY: And since this match starts in the ring, we’re going to get everyone in the ring. Do you see what I see, Al? I won’t say anything. I’ll just let Kitana say it.

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall and is for the EWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS OF THE WORLD! This is the LIGHTING OF THE TORCH MATCH! The first team to light the mock olympic torch built outside the stadium wins. Both team members must light the torch either separately or at the same time. Your referee for this event will be CHYNA!

(“Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: First, introducing the challengers….being accompanied to the ring by Bill Alphonso….THEY ARE JUSTIN CREDIBLE AND ROB VAN DAM!

AL SNOW: Here come RVD and Justin Credible and you can see that they are definitely not liking this.

PURGATORY: I don’t know. Something smells fishy. Chyna in China makes sense but why allow a known member of DX to referee this match?

AL SNOW: A former EWA women’s wrestler at that. That’s not why she’s there, though.

PURGATORY: I guess we’ll find out one way or the other.

(“Degeneration-X” by Generation X plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the champions….representing the DXWA and Degeneration-X, they are TRIPLE H and SHAWN MICHAELS!

AL SNOW: And do you see the smiles on the faces of Shawn and Hunter?

PURGATORY: How can you miss them?

AL SNOW: Shawn and Hunter with those miles of smiles coming out. Look at Hunter. He just said “we’re in trouble tonight, Heartbreak.” Making that nervous finger motion The Kliq is famous for. Hunter and Shawn both gettting in the ring. Hunter kissing the hand of Chyna. Look at Shawn trying to French Kiss Chyna. I mean I don’t blame him. I would try that with all the female referees here. Still, this match is going to be as one-sided as it gets as far as the call goes.

PURGATORY: That’s a huge understatement as Hunter and Shawn hand the titles over to Chyna and she holds them up. Once again, the goal here is how you have to run. Run fast enough, grab one of those torches near the climbing tower and light that torch. With the ref….

(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

AL SNOW: What the hell? It’s not time for the main event yet.

PURGATORY: We got Vertigo coming out here. I have no idea what this is all about and frankly, no one was expecting him. Everyone looks a bit confused here. He’s got a mic. I’m anxious to hear what Rob has to say.

VERTIGO: AHEM! Well, well, well….if it isn’t people from the DXWA! Now why would I allow this obvious group of people who obviously aren’t EWA wrestlers to hold EWA titles and wrestle on an EWA card? I KNOW! To completely run a screwjob on them! Needless to say, Angle’s been “taken care of” so there’s the matter of evening up the odds so the speak. Since this match favors the DXWA, I guess I got to do my part to make this match a complete screw job! Bring down who I’m talking about!

AL SNOW: It’s Jason! And Nicole Bass! There’s Lance Storm! IT’S SABU! DX trying to bolt but Rob and Justin holding them down. Look at Chyna! Kicking at Rob and Justin and here come the back up! Jason, Sabu and Storm all over Triple H and Shawn Michaels! Chyna and Nicole Bass face to face!

PURGATORY: One of the most anticipated face offs ever!

AL SNOW: To quote Joey Styles….CATFIGHT! Bass and Chyna all over the place and look at this! Triple H and Shawn Michales! Their arms and legs cuffed by the help Vertigo sent down! I’ve never seen such an obvious screw job in all my life!

PURGATORY: I just heard Justin say “what comes around, goes around.” That, and a couple other things too.

AL SNOW: And now, Justin and RVD heading out toward the back. Triple H, Shawn Michaels and even Chyna are all cuffed and helpless! All they can do is yell and Storm! Storm is gagging them! They can’t yell now! We’re following RVD and Justin toward the back. Justin and RVD walking quickly here. Is that Angle’s dressing room they passed? The door’s cracked open. Does he have any idea of what happened here? Justin and RVD heading out now. Fans outside who couldn’t get in watching on the Hardcore Theaters placed outside cheering like crazy as Rob and Justin grab those torches on the bottom of that tower and there they go up the stairs. Meanwhile, back in the ring. Triple H, Chyna and Shawn Michaels all squirming; trying to free themselves from the cuffs.

PURGATORY: How are Rob and Justin gonna win with no ref?

AL SNOW: I don’t know. RVD and Justin Credible; climbing the stairway up toward the torch. As a unbiased commentator, I say that this is completely unfair to DX. As a guy who’s been on the end of some of their “work,” I say they’ve reap what they’ve sewn. Rob and Justin on at the top and is that Dawn Marie?

PURGATORY: That’s Dawn Marie. Dawn Marie in a ref’s uniform.

AL SNOW: Rob and Justin both light the torch! This match is over!

PURGATORY: You mean this screw job.


AL SNOW: Justin Credible and Rob Van Dam taking part in a huge screw over of DX!

PURGATORY: The better question is will this heat the tag division up?

AL SNOW: I hope so as Vertigo’s “helpers” help Shawn, Chyna and Hunter out of the ring as we get set for the main event. In what’s guaranteed to be the longest match in EWA history, Vertigo, Taz and The Retro Playa will all compete in the first-ever Triathlon Match.

PURGATORY: It’s an absolute 90 minutes too. No sudden death. No nothing. Whoever gets the most falls, wins.

AL SNOW: And we’re in the back and Kurt Angle looks a bit worn out. That’s why! Look who’s by his door! Francine and she looks like she took care of business all right.


AL SNOW: Angle has no idea what happened as he gets in the ring.

PURGATORY: I got my Gatorade ready. It’s time to call this thing.

KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is set for multiple falls and is the main event of the evening for the EWA CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD! This is a TRIPLE THREAT TRIATHLON MATCH! A grueling 90 minute match combining three matches in the 1st 30 minutes being Ironman rules the next 30 minutes, Ultimate Submission and the final 30 minutes an Olympic Weapons Match! Your special guest referee for this event will be KURT ANGLE!

(“Play That Funky Music” by Cherry Wild plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: First, from Chicago, Illinois, one of the challengers….THE RETRO PLAYA!

AL SNOW: The Retro Playa once again going for the EWA gold here and you got to wonder will this time be his time tonight?

PURGATORY: I don’t think so. Retro’s never been in a match this long under cimrcumstances quite like this. He’s too title driven to win. Retro will have to let the world pretty much see who he is if he wants to win. That mask is gonna hurt him bad in this as it’s gonna restrict his breating. Tonight is Retro’s chance though. He could do it. He just has to time everything to perfection. He’s in the ring but is he ready?

(“Beat Me If You Can, Survive If I Let You” by ECW Productions plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: The second participant of this match….from the Red Hook Districs of New York….TAZ!

AL SNOW: Taz in the ultimate test of can he come back as he comes down ready to compete for a full 90 minutes.

PURGATORY: This is different for Taz as well. I don’t like his chances either. It’s too soon for something like this. He can do it, but he’s gonna have to push unbelievably. That pushed died in Taz when he started to announce for the WWE but he’s gonna have to resurrect that push and ressurected as he stares down Retro.

(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Worker’s Stadium)

KITANA BAKER: And introducing from Atlanta, Georgia….THE EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!

AL SNOW: And here comes Vertigo and he’s coming with a run because Taz and Retro have started without him! Angle calls for the bell and we are underway with 89 minutes, 53 seconds and counting down!

PURGATORY: And the ultimate challenge for all three of these men? Keep this interesting for the whole 90 minutes and for Vertigo, it’s do or die. Tie? He loses the title. Any one of these guys can get more falls and they have the title. His lungs are gonna burn but at least, he won’t be alone.

Snow: The last time these three were together the match up sorta end with a little bit of controversy, with Taz and Retro Playa ended up being eliminated at the same time making Vertigo the new eWa Champion.

Purgatory: There is a lot of tension in the air right now. I can smell it. Either that or somebody just cut one. Wasn’t me!

Snow: Angle says fight and all three men continue to circle one another. There goes Taz as he goes in for a single leg on Vertigo. Vertigo is able to get out of the way however before Taz could get to him. Taz gets back to a vertical base, as now Retro Playa backs away in to a corner.

Purgatory: Taz and Vertigo eye to eye and if things don’t explode between those two right now, I won’t know where I am. Man, I can read lips and my eyes should be bleeding from what I’m seeing them say.

Snow: Drop-kick by Retro Playa to Taz and Vertigo.

Purgatory: They were busy wrapped up with one another Retro was able to sneak in and catch them both off guard.

Snow: Retro Playa now picks up Taz and sends him in to the corner. Retro comes charging in with a clothesline but Taz is able get his boot up.

Purgatory: Taz hooks him up from behind.

Snow: German Release TazPlex by Taz on to Retro Playa. Taz now gets on top of Retro Playa and is just hammering him with straight forearm shots.

Purgatory: Taz is doing a number on Retro Playa.

Snow: Vertigo comes running off the ropes and nails Taz with a running drop-kick to the back of the head.

Purgatory: Another attack catching Taz off guard. His timing sucks right now.

Snow: Vertigo now hooks up Taz and nails him with a vertical suplex. Taz sits back up and Vertigo nails him with a quick clothesline.

Purgatory: Vertigo taking charge is something you don’t want.

Snow: Vertigo now brings Taz over to the corner and now gets on top and starts hammering him with right hands.


Snow: The fans are in to this contest.

Purgatory: Seven… Eight… Nine… Ten!

Snow: Taz is now staggering out of the corner. Vertigo comes off the ropes. Running Bulldog takes down Taz. Vertigo goes for a cover. Angle makes the count 1………………2…………….. Taz gets his shoulder up.

Purgatory: Retro Playa is back up and now waiting for Vertigo to turn around.

Snow: Belly to Belly Suplex by Retro Playa. Goes for the quick cover 1……………….2………….. Vertigo gets his shoulder up.

Purgatory: As I look at my trusty Mickey Mouse clock….Huh? Only six minutes through the first thirty minutes of this Iron Man Contest with no one has been able to capture a pin fall?

Snow: That’s right as now Retro Playa throws Vertigo out of the ring.

Purgatory: Retro Playa is now going to the top rope and is looking to take a big chance right here.

Snow: Taz just climbed up right behind Retro Playa.

Purgatory: Retro didn’t see him coming.


Purgatory: What a Move!

Snow: Taz now covers Retro Playa, Angle makes the count 1……………………….2………………………….3…….

Kitana Baker: The winner of the first fall, TAZ!

Purgatory: Taz pulls off one of his patented suplexes and picks up a fall!

Snow: Taz isn’t wasting any time as he covers Retro Playa again 1……………………….2…………………. Retro Playa this time was able to get his shoulder up this time.

Purgatory: Vertigo has just pulled out ol’ trusty steel chair out from underneath the ring.

Snow: Taz now backs Retro Playa in to the corner. Stiff right hands coming from Taz to Retro Playa as he hammers him right across the face.

Purgatory: Taz is putting Retro Playa up on the top rope as is looking to do even more damage to him.

Snow: Low Blow! Vertigo nails Taz with a low blow as he was climbing up the turnbuckles.

Purgatory: Taz looks to be out of it for a minute. Who wouldn’t be?

Snow: Reverse DDT by Vertigo dropping him on to the steel chair. Angle gets down to make the count… 1………………….2………………………..3……….

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, VERTIGO!

Purgatory: At the Eleven Minute mark, Vertigo has a fall and so does Taz.

Snow: Things are getting real interesting now! Vertigo opens up the steel chair in the middle of the ring.

Purgatory: Retro Playa, standing on the top rope now. No one sees him.

Snow: Vertigo turns around, Missile Drop-kick by Retro Playa.

Purgatory: Square in the jaw!

Snow: Retro Playa goes for the cover on Vertigo 1…………………..2……………………..3……..

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, RETRO PLAYA!

Purgatory: We are all tied up at one fall a piece.

Snow: Taz has now rolled to the outside of the ring.

Purgatory: He looks to be going for something. I forgot what I put under the ring. TABLE!

Snow: Taz is indeed pulling out a table and is sliding it in to the ring. Baseball slide by Retro Playa nailing Taz right in the face.

Purgatory: Taz didn’t see that one coming but I bet he felt it.

Snow: Vertigo is now back up on his feet. Retro Playa spins him around and nails him with a spinebuster. Retro Playa goes for a cover 1………………………2……………. Vertigo gets his shoulder up.

Purgatory: Retro Playa is now going for the table that Taz brought in to the ring and he’s setting it up near the corner.

Snow: Retro Playa picks up Vertigo, LOW BLOW!

Purgatory: And his scream got a little higher in pitch!

Snow: Vertigo goes behind Retro Playa. ANGLE SLAM!

Purgatory: Did you just say what I think you just said?

Snow: Yes, I did. Kurt Angle now makes the count after Vertigo does the Angle Slam 1………………………2…………………..3……….

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, VERTIGO!

Purgatory: Two Low Blows by Vertigo have led to pin falls.

Snow: Seventeen Minutes through the match up now as Vertigo regroups after pinning Retro Playa.

Purgatory: Taz is back in the ring.

Snow: Taz spins Vertigo around. T-BONE TAZPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE!

Purgatory: Vertigo looks dead after going through the table.

Snow: Taz hooks the leg. 1…………………….2………………….3……

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, TAZ!

Purgatory: Retro Playa is behind in pin falls now.

Snow: He might not be aware of it though as Taz goes back over to Retro Playa and is hammering him with right hands.

Purgatory: Taz needs to open those hands up, man. His knuckles are gonna start to swell.

Snow: Taz now places Retro Playa up on the top rope.

Purgatory: Vertigo back up on to his feet.

Snow: Vertigo gets Taz up on his shoulders.

Purgatory: What is he going to do with him?

Snow: DOOMSDAY DEVICE! A double team move made famous by The Road Warriors and Vertigo and Retro Playa pulled it off.

Purgatory: That’s two people just taking advantage of a situation. OH! WHAT A RUSH!

Snow: Taz has rolled to the floor leaving Retro Playa and Vertigo in the ring together. Retro Playa kicks Vertigo in the midsection and drops him with a DDT.

Purgatory: Retro Playa just grabbed the chair and has laid it out in the middle of the ring.

Snow: Vertigo gets back up on to his feet. Retro Playa hooks him up. BRAINBUSTER ON TO THE STEEL CHAIR!

Purgatory: That could be it for Vertigo right now as far as a fall is concerned.

Snow: Angle counts. 1………………………..2…………………3……….

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, RETRO PLAYA!

Purgatory: We are all tied up with six minutes to go here in the Iron Man part of this contest.

Snow: Retro Playa has now gone to the outside and is bringing another table in to the ring.

Purgatory: Taz now, starting to move after taking the doomsday device earlier on.

Snow: Retro Playa is now picking up Vertigo.

Purgatory: Looks like we’re going to see a powerbomb or something else coming up.

Snow: TAZMISSION! Before Retro Playa was able to pick up Vertigo, Taz locks in the Tazmission.

Purgatory: Will Retro Playa tap?

Snow: Retro Playa is trying to fight it. STEEL CHAIR SHOT! Vertigo cracks Taz across the head with a steel chair.

Purgatory: The whole damn Worker’s Stadium heard that one!

Snow: Vertigo covers Taz. 1………………………2……………………3……NO! Taz gets his shoulder up.

Purgatory: Three minutes to go in the first thirty minutes. All three men have two pin falls each.

Snow: Vertigo now lays out Retro Playa on the table.

Purgatory: Vertigo is now slowly making his way up to the top rope and he is feeling the effects of these first thirty minutes.

Snow: Retro Playa is in some trouble. Taz shakes the ropes and Vertigo is now stuck on the top rope.

Purgatory: Taz is now climbing up the turnbuckle.

Snow: This is not going to be good for Vertigo. Retro Playa gets off the table and gets Taz on his shoulders.

Purgatory: Another Doomsday Device?

Snow: Not this time. Electric Chair Drop by Retro Playa.

Purgatory: Vertigo’s still in trouble on the top rope.

Snow: Retro Playa now hooks him up. CUTTING EDGE! THROUGH THE TABLE!

Purgatory: Vertigo’s got freakin’ tweety birds flyin’ around his noggin.

Snow: As we hit the final thirty seconds, Retro Playa covers Vertigo 1…………………………….2…………………….3……..

Kitana Baker: The winner of the fall, RETRO PLAYA!


Al Snow: Retro Playa leading in falls as the Iron Man part of this three part 90 Minute match ends…

Purgatory: Kurt Angle ready to count the submissions now and submissions only as we come to Ultimate Submission…

Al Snow: This part of the match does favor Taz with his Tazmission but you never know. Retro and Vertigo could surprise us here.

Purgatory: Kurt Angle is checking on Vertigo and Taz.

Snow: Seems like all three men are tired but have a lot of life for the next 60 minutes…

Purgatory: It’s Taz making the first move. Taz is up and is now landing some hard right hand strikes to Vertigo…

Snow: Vertigo is now fighting back…what the hell? They just rolled out to the ring… Vertigo is now on top of Taz and giving him two pieces and biscuits…

Purgatory: Whoa! Retro Playa just flew over the ropes landing of Vertigo and Taz! Two pieces and biscuits? Someone’s getting hungry.

Snow: He connecting with both of them… But it looks like it hurt Retro the most…

Purgatory: Taz is the first one up and now just rolled inside the ring and now it looks like he’s waiting for the other two, which are still laying on the ground…

Snow: It doesn’t look like Taz is going to wait anymore… Taz is trying to pull Retro Playa up… LOW BLOW!

Purgatory: Geez. Why is there sudden need to play kickball around here?

Snow: Retro Playa is now trying to hook a sharpshooter on Taz…

Purgatory: He has it hooked in real good…is Retro Playa going to get the first fall in the Ultimate Submission part?

Snow: It looks like Taz is hurting… It seems he’s going to tap…

Purgatory: Taz has got the hand up. He’s gonna tap!

Snow: Vertigo just drop kicked Retro Playa in the face out of nowhere!

Purgatory: There’s a foot print on Playa’s face!… Vert must’ve connected hard!

Snow: Vertigo has just rolled Taz inside the ring… Taz’s back is hurting, he’s holding it…

Purgatory: Vertigo has put Taz on his stomach and his back exposed… He’s going to the top… a jumping stomp by Vertigo has landed on Taz’s lower back!

Snow: Vertigo runs back to the ropes and quickly climbs to the top. Is he going to do one more?

Purgatory: NO, Retro Playa came out of no where and just shook the top rope, which made Vert to lose his footing and just nailed his balls…

Snow: Retro Playa is now pulling himself inside the ring by top rope… It looks like Retro Playa is yelling at the crowd… Tazmission to Playa by Taz…Angle right there to ask if Retro submits.

Purgatory: Retro Playa just tapped to the Tazmission!

Kitana Baker: The winner by submission….TAZ!

Snow: And now Taz is tied 3 falls a piece with Retro with Vertigo having 2 falls.

Purgatory: Angle is trying to break the tazmission. Taz breaks it and Retro entitled to a one minute rest. TAZMISSION to Vertigo!

Snow: Taz telling Angle to ask Vertigo if he wants to tap. Angle asking. Vertigo taps!

Kitana Baker: The winner by submission….TAZ!

Purgatory: Yes, Vertigo has just tapped and now Taz takes the lead in falls!

Snow: look at this, Retro Playa has just knock Taz off of Vertigo… Retro Playa stomping on Taz. Did a minute go by that fast?

Purgatory: Retro now struggling and manages to lock in a Triangle Hold on Taz.

Snow: The first time I’ve seen Playa do that move…must have learned it for this match and for the future.

Purgatory: How much time is left by the way since you took my clock? MICKEY!

Snow: 15 Minutes and 34 seconds…

Purgatory: Taz having his arm bent in that unnatural way. I wonder if one of these guys will do an Ankle Lock?

Snow: Taz tapped! Retro Playa just made Taz tap!

Kitana Baker: The winner by submission….THE RETRO PLAYA!

Purgatory: Taz and Retro Playa are tied while Vertigo has 2 falls.

Snow: Speaking of Vertigo, he was waiting for the right moment and he landed a huge elbow drop to the neck area of Retro. Vertigo locks in a Dragon Sleeper while Taz gets his minute rest.

Purgatory: Retro taps!

Kitana Baker: The winner by submission….VERTIGO!

Snow: Vertigo gets into a three point stance and Hacksaw Jim Duggans the leg of Taz with a huge chop block and now going for Retro Playa. LOW BLOW! Playa with a low blow and you can’t say turn about isn’t fair play.

Purgatory: 10 minutes and 16 seconds left.

Snow: Retro Playa with a sweep to Vertigo. ANKLE LOCK! Kurt Angle is just looking at Retro Playa doing his move and is now shaking his head. Kurt Angle has just broken the hold in disgust!

Purgatory: Kurt Angle actually showing Retro Playa how to correctly apply the Ankle Lock. The Olympic Champion has just applied an ankle lock on Vertigo!

Snow: Payback for earlier, maybe! SECURITY! We’ve got a fan….wait a minute. Crazed Maniac? Crazed Maniac has just jumped the railing and now beating the hell out of Kurt Angle! Retro Playa confused as hell. The Maniac Bomb! A Maniac Bomb onto a Degeneration-X Member!

Purgatory: We’ve got a ref down!

Snow: And now The Retro Playa is attacking Crazed Maniac!

Purgatory: He’s got to. What’s he gonna do? Guess if Maniac attacks him or not?

Snow: Crazed Maniac has just knocked Retro Playa down with a strong right hand. Kurt Angle is up. Angle Slam to Crazed Maniac!

Purgatory: Maniac just sorta rolled out the ring. Say what? We only have 28 seconds left.

Snow: And now another Tazmission to Retro while he was looking at what was going one! Retro quickly taps!

Purgatory: Man! That was quick!

Kitana Baker: The winner by submission….TAZ!

Snow: Looks like Taz is going to win the Ultimate Submission part of this match.

Purgatory: Retro Playa, Vertigo and Taz all laid out. Retro a bit healthier than Taz and Vertigo.

Snow: Maniac being cuffed like a loose fan and carried out here.

Purgatory: We’re not doing that Matt Hardy angle, are we?

Snow: No. Time goes down and now, we get ready for the Olympic Weapons Match!

Purgatory: What the hell was that Crazed Maniac stuff all about anyway?


AL SNOW: And now we are down to the final 30 minutes and I’m tired of just talkin’ here!

PURGATORY: You should’ve became prepared like me. Don’t worry, Al. Only 28 minutes, 44 seconds to go. 43. 42. 41….

AL SNOW: And this match is now Olympic Weapons as Vertigo, behind in falls, has to do or die here.

PURGATORY: Vertigo has three falls. The Retro Playa has four and if Taz can hold, he has five.

AL SNOW: All three men showing signs of outright exhaustion now. They’ve stretched each other out and put each other through tables. They’ve got about 25 minutes left and pretty much everyone’s down.

PURGATORY: And here come the Olympic Weapons. Being brought down by….is that Ivory? Being brought down by Ivory and I see a Javelin sticking out but other than that, it’s a large container with a cover. Looks like one of those big linen plastic carts.

AL SNOW: No one is standing here. Vertigo, Taz and The Retro Playa have just about no choice when it comes to not being able to perform any offense here. They’re sucking up air like no tomorrow. The Olympic Weapons have been placed and it’s going to be real interesting who rolls out here and goes for it first.

PURGATORY: And it looks like Vertigo is going to go. So many choices, so little time. He’s got a lot to choose from here. Vertigo gets the JAVELIN!

AL SNOW: Undoubtedly the most dangerous weapon among all the choices. I don’t know how accurate his aim is. Everyone’s pretty much hurt including Referee Kurt Angle who earlier was attacked by Crazed Maniac for no reason.

PURGATORY: Maniac wanted to get over and that was the only way. Reason enough for you?

AL SNOW: Yeah. Whatever happened to actually getting into a match? Vertigo pushing the javelin in and rolling in and gets a stomp to the back of the head. Follows up with a forearm blow. Picks up Vertigo by the head. OOOHHH! Nice haymaker to the stomach by Vertigo. Had to be a nice shot because Taz looks to be gagging in there. Vertigo with the javelin. Holds it and unsure what he’s going to do with it. Holds it out like a pole. Hooks Taz. JAVELIN RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP! Shades of The Sandman and his Singapore Cane!

PURGATORY: Javelin Russian Leg Sweep? Well, the bad news is the javelin broke in two.

AL SNOW: Retro trying to get back up but Vertigo kicking him in the knee sending him back down!

PURGATORY: Retro and Taz can’t have this. They can’t have Vertigo take control in these last minutes.

AL SNOW: Vertigo with an immediate roll out of the ring and he’s going back to the weapons. I think he’s just going to put them all in there.

PURGATORY: In my opinion, not very smart. Both Taz and Retro getting a nice rest in there.

AL SNOW: Vertigo going into the bin and I can’t wait to see what weapons come out of there. I don’t know what you put in there.

PURGATORY: Neither do I.

AL SNOW: Discus, Shot Putt, Hockey Stick, Snowboard, some Free weights, a baseball bat. I see a bobsled and canoe. How’s he gonna get those out of there?

PURGATORY: Just push the bin over.

AL SNOW: That he does as the Canoe and Bobsled are out. Vertigo dragging the canoe over to one side of the ring. Now, he’s dragging the bobsled over to the far side of the ring. It’s amazing how much time has passed as we are down to 17 minutes exactly as Vertigo drags the bobsled over to the other side of the ring. Meanwhile, The Retro Playa and Taz are throwing shot after shot. Playa with rights and Taz countering with shots to Retro’s left side. Taz very careful in not trying to hit Retro in the mask as it would do more harm to him. Taz with a dodge. Hooks him. CAPTURE SUPLEX! Taz with a Capture Suplex on Retro and Taz looking pumped as he doesn’t waste time. He hooks Retro by his legs. WHEELBARROW SUPLEX! Taz starting to put a tear on Retro. Muscles him up. BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Taz is absolutely ripping into Retro. He’s completely ignoring Vertigo who almost has that bobsled to where he wants it. RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX to The Retro Playa. I haven’t seen this many suplexes in such a short spurt since back the ECW. Taz in complete control of Retro and he hits another suplex! This time, a half-nelson suplex and TTTTOOOOOOOHHHHH!


AL SNOW: Out of nowhere! Vertigo BREAKS that snowboard right over the head of Taz!

PURGATORY: And those things are H-A-R-D.

AL SNOW: Taz went from on fire to unconscious and now, Vertigo has the opportunity to pick up two falls here. Vertigo goes for Retro first. SMALL PACKAGE BY RETRO! Angle in position! Vertigo can’t get out of it! 1! 2! 3! Retro gets a fall! Unbelievable!

KITANA BAKER: The winner of the fall….THE RETRO PLAYA!

PURGATORY: Retro Playa basically pulling a rabbit out of his mask here to get a fall but he just took six suplexes. I don’t think he’ll be doing much more.

AL SNOW: Vertigo almost up immediately after that small package. Taz starting to move a little bit. Vertigo with an ax kick to the back of Retro’s head. He goes over to the baseball bat. This is going to be ugly. He puts it down? He lays the baseball bat near Retro. Hooks him. LIGER BOMB onto the baseball bat! Angle in position as Vertigo combos the bomb with a cover! 1! 2! 3! Vertigo gets a fall!

KITANA BAKER: The winner of the fall….VERTIGO!

PURGATORY: He’s still a fall behind both Taz and The Retro Playa who both have five falls but he’s gonna stay behind because right now, he’s not built for this!

AL SNOW: Vertigo has done nothing short of cough these last 30 minutes. I’m sure all that smoking is really starting to effect his lung endurance here.

PURGATORY: He’s got to keep going. If he stops, he burns out. That simple.

AL SNOW: Vertigo hit that modified Liger Bomb on Retro and now, he’s headed toward Taz who’s still wobbly from that snowboard shot. HUGE right hand from Taz to Vertigo. He put so much into that shot, he went to the mat. Looked like Rocky versus Apollo all over again. Once again, we’ve got everyone down with about seven minutes remaining. If this keeps going, we could have co-champions in Taz and The Retro Playa.

PURGATORY: Caught Vertigo nice on the jaw. Retro’s got the hockey stick. Taz don’t see it. OH MAN! I bet he felt it!

AL SNOW: Taz again getting something broken over his back! Retro grabs a hand full of tights and tosses Taz out the ring. Retro following Taz out. Both men are near that bobsled. Vertigo grabbing his jaw and shaking his head. He rolls out in pursuit.

PURGATORY: Has anyone else noticed that Tax has been grabbing his crotch and Retro’s been spinning around like crazy out here?

AL SNOW: Vertigo’s got to go for it. What the hell? Did Retro just throw a discus at Vertigo? I think he did! A discus shot by Retro to Vertigo! Vertigo doubles over and OH MAN! Retro catches a free weight directly to the mask! Taz hooks him. BRAINBUSTER INTO THE BOBSLED! TAZ ALMOST DRIVES RETRO PLAYA RIGHT THOUGHT THE BOBSLED!

PURGATORY: Retro planted into the bobsled and we’ve passed the five minute mark!

AL SNOW: Taz doesn’t have a chance to follow up as Vertigo charges and connects with a free weight of his own! Vertigo picks up and rolls Taz into the ring. What is that? A Shot Putt? OOHHH! Taz gets a gut-full of Shot Putt and crumples down into the corner. I have no idea what Vertigo is planning to do here. LIGHTS OUT! Vertigo locks in the Lights Out!

PURGATORY: I remember that!

AL SNOW: Someone else does have a move named that but Vertigo was the first wrestler to give that name to his version of the Dragon Sleeper! Will Taz tap?

PURGATORY: I don’t even think Taz is conscious enough to tap.

AL SNOW: Kurt Angle checking the arms of Taz. It drops once. It drops twice. There’s a third drop! We’re all tied up at five!

KITANA BAKER: The winner of the fall….VERTIGO!

PURGATORY: Vertigo’s got three minutes to prevent the EWA Championship by having it the first EWA title in history to be co-held by three men.

AL SNOW: Everyone has five falls. Vertigo not wasting time as he is now tying Taz up in the ropes. Taz pretty much out of it as Vertigo has opened up his Japanese-style wrestling now. Taz all tied up in the ropes. Vertigo rolling out to the ring and going for Retro but Retro catches him with a drop-kick of sorts right to Vertigo’s chin! Retro giving it one last go at it all! Retro fighting Vertigo over to the other side of the ring near where Vertigo left the canoe. We’ve got one minute left as the time on Hardcore Theater grinds down! Retro maneuvers Vertigo to the canoe. Retro trying to suplex Vertigo on the canoe! Block! And again! Reversal! Retro trying to fight WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

PURGATORY: I don’t know! It looked like a Fear Factor into a Tombstone Piledriver Justin Credible style! Retro got driven into the canoe!

AL SNOW: And now Angle maneuvering over to where Vertigo planted Retro. Falls do count anywhere in this Olympic Weapons Match since it’s a hardcore-style match. Vertigo has a cover. Angle sees it. 1! 2! 3! Vertigo picks up another fall!

KITANA BAKER: The winner of the fall….VERTIGO!


KITANA BAKER: The winner of the 90-minute Triathlon Match and still EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! VERTIGO!

AL SNOW: Vertigo picks up one last fall in the closing seconds and retains his title and EVERYBODY collapses because this match just became the longest match in EWA history!

PURGATORY: Man. Can we close this out? I can’t talk anymore.

AL SNOW: Everybody’s getting the EMT ride out. We’ll see you all next time in CHRISTMAS IN JULY!

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