No Chance 2006

Mark:The Power is back on… The Microphones are working… Check Check One Two… And we are coming to you from the EWA Studios here in Chicago… Recapping the latest Monthly Offering… No Chance 2006… I am joined this evening with my normal tag team partner on Weekly, Rhino… And for some reason… They let Jay Jixhel in to the studios… Jay Jixhel, enjoying the digs?

Jay: ahh yeah man… they don’t give us this sweet of equipment for our normal gigs

Mark:Well, this is how the A Team Rolls… Not you guys on the C Team doing the EWA News at 11… But we are going to recap the action that took place at the Dakota Dome in Vermillion, South Dakota…Before we get started… There is no new update on what has happened to Vertigo… We are hoping to get an update on his situation whenever it comes Available… Rhino, what do you think of what has gone down with Vertigo?

Rhino: You never know, Mark.. Lord knows what Rob Parks has gotten himself into this time.. I just hope it doesn’t prevent me from getting my checks

Mark:I dont think it will, if worse comes to worse… We will just pay you with Jay’s paycheck…

Jay: You’ll have to talk to Jobber about that one. He’s the one who deals with my and Ned’s checks. Why, who knows.

Mark:Well Jay, I think we are about to get started with the first match up that was on the show… Jay, is the tape cued up and ready to go? As you are the technical guy and all…

Jay: Yeah man. lets see here… “To play press play on remote”. Play. Here we go.

Rhino: Are you sure this is the right video, Jay?

Jay: Well… just wait a little bit.. I thought I primed it past the family video that I taped over..

Mark:Well the picture is starting to come in and it looks like thats Crazed Maniac in the ring waiting for Retro Playa to come down to the ring…He looks like he doesnt want to be in the ring… Do you guys think the same thing?

Rhino: Well, his old buddy Demon was released recently from the EWA and all he’s doing is fulfilling contractual obligations..

Jay: I don’t know Rhino, remember we’re talking about Retro Playa. Who in their right mind would want to be up against the one man that single handedly held the Monthly at it’s height…

Rhino: You’re just defending Jobber so he’ll pay you, Jay

Jay: Well I did tell you how he held my checks yes?

Rhino: Wait, I think I see something stirring in the crowd..

Mark:Sounds like a we want head chant? Which one of you told Al Snow not to show up?

Rhino: Don’t look at me. (points at Jay)

Jay: What? You think a former Undisputed Champion would listen to a guy like me? I didn’t think so either… guess I was wrong.

Mark:Guess you were… But we are in to the match up right now… The action has been back and forth for the early going… But Retro Playa is starting to take control of the match up…Retro Playa just climbed up to the top rope… He seems to be waiting for Crazed Maniac to get back up…

Rhino: Maniac turns.. Big dropkick by the man in the mask! Playa showing no signs of wear and tear from his presence in the bowl..

Jay: Thats my boy there. From the bowl to the cup.

Mark:Retro Playa is showing off to the crowd as he has the match in control at the moment… Retro Playa just walked over to Crazed Maniac… He was playing possum… Small Package 1…………………….2……………….NO!

Rhino: Playa caught off guard there.. Too much showboating could actually cost him this match.

Jay: Maybe, but he doesn’t look happy after that near fall. Laying in the boots.

Mark:Having an ego like Retro Playa does can really back fire on you as it just showed… The boots continue to be drilled right in to the head of Crazed Maniac… As one announcer use to say… Hes Stomping a Mud Hole in him by gawd…

Rhino: Wonderful impression, Mark. You from anywhere near Oklahoma by chance?

Mark:No, but thank you anyway… Jay what the hell did you just do… Hit Play… Not Fast Forward…

Jay: Sorry, it’s just that Crazed grabbed Retro’s leg and got him into a leg lock… I didn’t want Playa to have to relive it..

Rhino: Well, its not gonna help much because Crazed just floor Playa with a clothesline..

Mark:It seems like you didnt do a good job at recording this show Jay… As we seem to have cut right to the end of the match… Retro Playa has Crazed Maniac lined up for his finishing move… I think this one is over…

Jay: I think I did a fine editing job Mark… Playa stalking Crazed, grabs the head, hooks him up, lifts.. Cutting Edge.. Crazed somehow drops out of it..

Rhino: Crazed with a waist lock and going for a german suplex.. But Retro Playa blocks!

Mark:Retro Playa has him hooked up again… Thats it… Cutting Edge… The lovely April Hunter makes the Count… One… Two and a Three… Retro Playa picks up the first win of the night… And he has now moved on in the Monthly Extreme Trophy Tournament… Guys what did you think of the match…

Jay: Retro did an awesome job I thought. He’s my pick to win the whole damn thing..

Rhino: Despite the horrible recording, it was a pretty good showing. However, that was Crazed Maniacs last match here in the EWA and it seems Playa gave him an appropriate send off..

Mark:The next match up on the line up was Christian vs New Jack… But I dont see the tape here… Jay what happened to the tape or was there even a match?

Jay: What now? Hey don’t you guess be trying to pin this all on me. Just because I said I’d record it doesn’t mean I would. I outsource to Ned.

Mark:Well I guess that is going to be one of those things that we wish we would have seen… But it just wasnt meant to be…The next match up on the line up I have Berserk and Jeremy Johnson… Got the tape cued up Jay?

Jay: Um yeah, let me fast forward through that “nah nah nah, hey hey, good bye” crap

Rhino: Berserk seems to be already in the ring.. Now we’re waiting on Johnson..

Mark:I see Paul Heyman… And here comes Jeremy Johnson right behind him… This guys looks to be impressive… He has the look and build of a champion… And he could possibly do some damage on monthly…

Rhino: Johnson into the ring.. AND LEVELS Berserk with a devastating clothesline!

Jay: Whoa… that.. yeah.. nice

Mark:Having Microphone problems Jay? You seem to be cutting in and out…

Jay: No, it’s just that before I thought all Heyman’s talk about Johnson was crap, but now…

Rhino: This Johnson guy is impressive.. He’s manhandling Berserk like nothing! Heyman sure as a way with his clients..

Mark:You have to remember Berserk is a 300 Pound Man… And Jeremy Johnson is already showing how impressive he is…

Jay: Yeah.. me and Ned could take him though… no.. seriously…

Mark:As I was saying… A Full Nelson Slam was blocked by Berserk… The Three Hundred Pound Man Berserk takes control and he just splashed Jeremy Johnson in the corner…Johnson seems to be in a staggered state

Rhino: Berserk off the ropes and takes down Johnson with a shoulder block, knocking Johnson to his back for the first time in the match..

Mark:Crushing Leg Drop… Jazz makes the count 1….2….. and No… Jeremy Johnson was able to kick out…It seems like Jeremy Johnson is trying to regroup… Berserk though has him setup on the top rope… This could be trouble for the rookie…

Rhino: Looks like Berserk is going for a big superplex! But Johnson is trying to fight back and Heyman is yelling to his client..

Mark:Berserk crashed to the mat… And now Jeremy Johnson stands up on the top rope… Flying Elbow Drop… Gotta love seeing a big man like that pull off a move like that…

Rhino: You’ve seem to have gone silent, Jay.. Are you in shock?

Jay: Just trying to enjoy the match Rhino… sorry if I’m not acting like I’ll get paid for this gig

Mark:Jobber being stingy? He should have just got a bonus from the Extreme Bowl… Wonder if he will win the World Title Again… But thats a question for another day…Paul Heyman is yelling at his client… The Mission Statement was just hit… As he deliver a vicious spinebuster to Berserk… The three hundred pound man is in trouble…

Rhino: I think Paul Heyman just told Jeremy Johnson to finish Berserk off..

Mark:This is what he is doing… He has him up… The ring just shook after the Total Impact… Jazz looks in to the eyes of Berserk… She knows he is done…The count is being made… One… Two and Three… This one is over…

Jay: Well that one was pretty nice I must say. I wonder if Paul would ever want to manage the Chaos.

Rhino: Well, we’ve got two men advancing in the tournament. Whats up next, Mark?

Mark:Looks like the final match on the card… As we will see The Dark One… Battling the man who usually is in this seat… Our EWA President… Omega…Guys this is Omega’s first match up back… Do you think there will be any rust?

Jay: Any? Omega doesn’t even have a chance against Monthly regular Dark One

Rhino: I think there’ll be a lot of rust, actually. He’s not had a match since Glory 2004.

Mark:Well as Teddy Long leads Omega down to the ring… Who was Omega’s last opponent Rhino?

Rhino: Omega appeared in the Glory 2004 Extreme Elimination Chamber and didn’t fair too well..

Jay: Yeah Jobber won that one didn’t he? At least thats what he’s always telling us

Rhino: Actually, William McConnell captured his third Undisputed Championship reign that night, Jay..

Jay: Oh… well.. can we get our attention back to this electrics Rhino.. we don’t need to dwell on the past when we got Omega in the ring..

Mark:Well Jay, as The Dark One heads down to the ring… Do you have any tidbits on him in your notes?

Jay: Notes? I just came here to give you guys the tape and program the VCR. Why you guys don’t have other tapes of the events I’ll never know

Mark:Then what are those papers sitting in front of you if they are not notes…

Jay: Well lets see here. Dark One and Berserk as you know, good friends. A tag team that didn’t see nearly enough action together. Last month however.. got his ass kicked by the president himself.

Mark:So Payback in order from Dark One to Omega?

Jay: Or more punishment for disrespecting his card…

Rhino: The Dark One in the ring and is standing face to.. well, chest with Omega.. And showing no fear.

Mark:Did I just hear a bell? I think the action has begun… Dark One is going right after Omega… He seems to be looking for payback with those right hands…

Rhino: Omega just pie-faced Dark One and shoves him down to the mat.. Not alot of respect there.

Jay: Well he’s Omega, only man he’s got to respect is the tax man..

Mark:I dont even think he respects him either… But now Omega is starting to just pound the living hell out of Dark One with blows to the back…It looks like Omega is showing of his strength…

Rhino: Teddy Long seems to be enjoying this as Omega just tears away at Dark One.. Do you think he even has a chance?

Mark:One guy is Seven Foot Four… The Other is Six Foot Two… You do the math…

Jay: Well I might have thought that the ring rust would have been all over Omega.. but the big guy is certainly showing his stuff

Rhino: I suspect Jay will need a calculator to do that math..

Mark:I thought he counts with his fingers and toes…

Jay: You know, it’s best not to screw with the man with the remote

Mark:What did you just do Jay? Something is wrong with the picture… Its upside down…

Jay: now you’ll respect my athoriti… here I’ll fix it -kick- there we go

Rhino: You got it right side up just into for us to see Dark One attempt a clothesline and just get floored by Omega’s shoulder..

Mark:Dark One is having some trouble with the EWA President… Omega lifts him up in a press slam… Rake of the eyes and now Dark One has a fighting chant… As Omega just got clipped from behind… He is down to one knee… This could be Dark One’s chance…

Rhino: Dark One off the ropes and dropkicks Omega in the head!

Mark:Some fans are now starting to get behind the Dark One in hopes of him taking out Omega… Dark One charges and hes now in some trouble…

Rhino: Omega just grabbed Dark One right by the throat!

Mark:This is not going to be good… That was a huge chokeslam… And down goes Dark One straight to the mat…

Jay: I so don’t envy Dark One right now. How bout yo Rhino?

Rhino: I’m definitely glad I stay here behind the desk or in the studios..

Mark:Its always a good thing to be here in the studios… The picture is now starting to shake… Is that the camera or Omega shaking the ring…

Jay: Well Omega is a large man after all.. you know that Mr. Make Fun Of Jay With Numbers.

Rhino: Indeed I do.. Omega has Dark One hooked up for the screwdriver..

Mark:Sorry bout that… But its easy… Dark One though is not having it easy….As he was just drilled in to the canvas with the Screw Driver…But Omega doesnt seem to be done… Teddy Long just slid a chair in to the ring and now has Becky Bayless distracted…Guys I dont like the look of this…

Jay: I do Mark. We are called the EXTREME Wrestling Alliance right?


Jay: Man… my neck aches after just watching that

Mark:Omega puts his foot on the chest of Dark One… Becky makes the three count… This one is now over…

Jay: That one was academic my friends

Rhino: Indeed it was.. So 3 men now move on in the this tournament..

Jay: So what? A three way for the finish or does someone get a bye? Come on, ou boys are on the inside aren’t ya?

Mark:I think it will be a Three Way Dance for the Monthly Extreme Trophy…But we will have to see what March Madness brings us… Guys… Was this show what you expected it to be?

Rhino: It turned out pretty good.. Just a shame not everyone put in there best.. We’re looking at you Captain Charisma..

Jay: The Captain knew he couldn’t come back when everyone knows he robbed Playa last month Rhino.

Mark:Well it looks like me and rhino will see Captain Charisma in the near future… But I think this show was better than last month… So things look up going in to March Madness… Jay, have any plugs before we go?

Jay: Just a shout out to the official eWa website ( … has some nice articles on it… however if it was for that prick Vic Venom I would still have my weekly show…

Mark:Rhino, got any closing words?

Rhino: All I got to say is I’m ready for a Purg Dog.. or 10..

Mark:Well for Jay… And Rhino… I am Mark… Jay… I didnt say pull the plugs… There goes the lights… Good Night…

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