Final Salute-Tion 2006 (Quick Version)
AL SNOW: Hello and welcome to history in the making! After months in operation, the EWA monthly has decided to indeed close its doors! Instead of being a required thing to do, monthly will move to something done every now and then. I’m Al Snow along with one of the original month wrestlers, Purgatory, and we are calling what is the last annual month card.
PURGATORY: Everyone thinks month is going to stop out-right. It’s going to go into something done every now and then. So in a sense, this is the final annual card for month but not the final time you’ll ever see month.
AL SNOW: Surprisingly, this card only has one match and one match only with the remaining six wrestlers on the month competing against one another.
PURGATORY: You let me get the last word in? Unbelievable! We’re all set here as we go to the only announcer that has a name and looks as good as only she can….KITANA BAKER!
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been my honor to announce to you the athletes who sacrificed to you themselves in the ring. In their busy lives, they still managed to promote themselves and gave the monthly an independent feel that few, if any appreciated. And now, as the final card of the month, please allow me to introduce to you the only referees to stay with us throughout the years. The Monthly will be remembered for me as the exclusive announcer and the EWA’s first and perhaps last female announcer. The EWA monthly will also remember this; being the only show where all the referees were women as well so without further adieu, I announce to you the female referees for the month! First….APRIL HUNTER!
AL SNOW: The world’s best looking referees ever.
PURGATORY: They got more attention than the guys competing sometimes. All famous for the “split leg count.”
KITANA BAKER: And next….BECKY BAYLESS!
AL SNOW: One of the two more infamous female referees we’ve had, almost with us from the very beginning.
PURGATORY: She managed to stay with us for a majority of the time like April.
KITANA BAKER: And now introducing….TERI BYRNE!
AL SNOW: The former ex-Nitro Girl known as “Fyre” was one of the first female referees hired but as time went on, we saw less of her as her own personal schedule got in the way of things.
PURGATORY: Saw less of her. You just made a couple of grown men cry.
KITANA BAKER: And last, but not least….TYLENE BUCK!
AL SNOW: The lady who’s infamous in her own right being the very first female referee ever hired by President Omega! The one who’s been here the longest!
PURGATORY: And she may have redefined female refereeing as being one who can referee and doing her duty in more than one main event.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies, we all thank you deeply from the bottom of our hearts as we make one last chapter in history as having this match having ALL OF YOU AS THE REFEREES!
AL SNOW: How about that? For the first time in history, FOUR women referees all calling one match!
PURGATORY: With six people in the ring, we’re gonna need them!
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the only match of the evening; THE SIX-MAN ELIMINATION MATCH!
(“I Am A Viking” by Yngwie Malmsteem plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: First, introducing from Manhattan, Illinois….standing at 6 feet 7 inches and weighing 375 pounds….BERSERK!
AL SNOW: And here he go from the nation’s capital for the final event of the month! Berserk, almost a carbon-copy of the original Berserker coming down to the ring now. I don’t remember Berserk looking like that!
PURGATORY: Fourth Wall jokes go over the heads of all. HUSS! That’s Guts from the manga Berserk and from the little known Sega Dreamcast game Sword Of The Berserk.
AL SNOW: Berserk looking to at least try and compete in the last match of the month as he steps into the ring for quite possibly the last time.
PURGATORY: Like so many, he became a victim of time and just nearly faded away. Let’s see what he does tonight.
(“The Druid” by Sleep plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: The next participant, introducing from Salisbury Plain, England….standing at 6 feet 2 inches and weighing 235 pounds….THE DARK ONE!
AL SNOW: I won’t even touch this one, but I can hear Head all the way from here asking just who that is.
PURGATORY: Head is at your ankles. Look down. It’s a Fire Emblem thing. The Dark One all Dark Druid-like coming down to ring for probably his last go around too. Stop trying to climb the fourth wall, Al.
AL SNOW: Never! The Dark One, like Berserk, had massive potential but like a lot of us, just got sidetracked by time. It’s most likely good-bye for The Dark One and the sad thing is that he’ll be forgotten about. Too bad he didn’t fake his death like Jay Mack so that the rest of us won’t be able to let something like that go. Might have earned himself some respect in the process as well.
PURGATORY: Come on, Al. It’s supposed to be all about the guys of the month. Not about anything else. I know with everything that has happened, it’s hard to keep it professional but what makes us better than most is that we can try.
(“Cowboys From Hell” by Pantera plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing from Salt Lake City, Utah….standing at 6 feet 8 inches and weighing 300 pounds….BUCK DIAMONDBACK!
AL SNOW: I can’t get over how much this guy looks like Kip James way back when I was a New Rocker and he was with The Smoking Gunns. Billy that is.
PURGATORY: I’m sure it’s just coincidence. Buck is a whole lot rougher than some damn Billy Gunn. You won’t see to much in technical show from him. He keeps it simple with kicking ass and taking names.
AL SNOW: Buck Diamondback in the ring and ready to go. The Utah Cowboy ready to get it going here.
PURGATORY: And where he goes from here, nobody knows.
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing from Atlanta, Georgia….standing at 6 feet 4 inches and weighing 175 pounds….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: I don’t….never mind. NEVER MIND! Forget I even started!
PURGATORY: Magic 8-Ball says you don’t know who this is. It’s Count Vertigo from DC Comics. Ironically, it’s a depressed Count Vertigo.
AL SNOW: I’ll just say the former EWA Champion Of The World coming to the ring and one of the main people losing time. So many go through the same thing but have a tendency to be insensitive to anyone but them.
PURGATORY: Anyway, Vertigo is in the ring and like most, just looking to make due with his time….and keep it professional too.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing from Chicago, Illinois….standing at 6 feet 2 inches and weighing 234 pounds….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: One of the men to start it off on the month from the get go, The Retro Playa is here for the final month show as we know it.
PURGATORY: I heard a nasty rumor that The Retro Playa is really Lone Jobber in disguise. BLASPHEMY!
AL SNOW: You wrestled the guy! You should know better!
PURGATORY: I can deny all night, buddy!
(“The Omen” by DMX plays throughout the Verizon Center)
KITANA BAKER: And finally, introducing from Washington, D.C. and standing at 7 feet 5 inches….weighing 444 pounds….he is the EWA President and known as the Living Nightmare….OMEGA!
AL SNOW: Jump that big guy headed toward the ring. Eliminate him first. That’s what I would think and do.
PURGATORY: It’s no real thing that Omega attracted that kind of attention. His smiling personality was absolutely contagious.
AL SNOW: Smiling per….the guy’s an asshole! Always has been, always will be!
PURGATORY: It’s hard even trying to describe the mind of a mad genius. Or someone who is just plain mad. Just trust me when I say it’s all done on purpose.
AL SNOW: And here we go and EVERYBODY goes after Omega! Five on one as Retro, Dark, Berserk, Buck and Vertigo go after the biggest man in the match!
PURGATORY: You eliminate him first and you don’t worry about that triple four comin’ down on you. I don’t care how hardcore or extreme you are. Nobody likes a bunch of weight coming down on them. Nobody.
AL SNOW: All of the men attacking and Omega with a huge shrug off! Punch to Retro! Back-fist to Diamondback! A huge Roundhouse taking out four guys at one time! Holy shit!
PURGATORY: I don’t like the look in Omega’s eyes right there. I may be forced to leave this broadcast table and handle the situation if things get out of hand.
AL SNOW: What? What’s happening?
PURGATORY: I can’t say anymore other than we’ve got a world watching and Omega, or rather Donovan knows exactly who is watching. He’s better off dealing with me than who’s watching.
AL SNOW: Within seconds, and I mean seconds, five men are down just from a few blows from the world’s largest president.
PURGATORY: Looks like someone’s decided to take the kiddie gloves off. There’s certain things in pro wrestling that people reserve themselves to. Omega’s not playing around anymore. If the other five guys don’t get serious, they’re going to get hurt.
AL SNOW: This is as scary as it looks, people. Imagine a seven footer who’s pretty much cut loose inhibitions and has just decided that he’s going to start beating the crap out of everyone. It’s not just stiff wrestling, it’s beyond. Omega just palms Berserk out of the ring and we’ve got a split here. Omega versus Berserk out here. Buck Diamondback versus The Retro Playa and The Dark One versus Vertigo. Vertigo chopping away at Dark One and Buck really stomping away at Retro here. What is he saying?
PURGATORY: Maybe the camera mic can pick him up.
BUCK DIAMONDBACK: So you wanna count how many days this damn thing took? How ’bout countin’ the times you see the bottom of my boot? ONE! TWO! THREE….
AL SNOW: What’s he talking about?
PURGATORY: I don’t know. Subway said something about DARK ONE!
AL SNOW: Whatever conversation the two were having has been abruptly and I mean abruptly by The Dark One as he pretty much speared Buck Diamondback in his back and now he takes over going to work on Retro Playa. What did he do to Vertigo? Can we get an Re-EWA-Play here? OH MAN! No mercy! An outright low blow followed by a toss outside by The Dark One.
PURGATORY: Omega’s just showing off out here. Berserk just hit him with everything he had and he just looked at him like he was invisible. Then he kicked his head off. Berserk is being outright mauled outside here.
AL SNOW: Diamondback feeling his back while The Dark One works over Retro. Pulls him up. Reversal! Retro with a chop!
AL SNOW: And another!
PURGATORY: WWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO TWO!
AL SNOW: Irish whip out of the corner and GREETINGS FROM UTAH! The Dark One goes right into Diamondback’s version of a lariat and I’ve seen many a lariat and that one has to be one of the more harsher versions.
PURGATORY: Diamondback is still hurt and can’t follow up. Not hurt enough to feel that superkick to the jaw. He hits Dark One then BLAMMO!
AL SNOW: Blammo? Diamondback falls to the mat and Retro does a roll for some reason and locks the arm. He’s got a triangle choke on The Dark One and he’s got it cinched in here. Is he gonna tap?
PURGATORY: He might be too out of it to tap. Vertigo coming back into the ring. Sizing up the situation. Locks in a Dragon Sleeper to Diamondback. Double submission holds! Double your pleasure! Double your fun! Double fun the Doublemint with Doublemint Gum! Double Dragon! Double Dribble! Double Cheeseburger!
AL SNOW: April and Becky in position and checking. You mean they’re all working this match? I thought it would be a turn thing. Double tap out! Diamondback and Dark One tap out at the SAME TIME! We’ve got a Double Elimination!
KITANA BAKER: By submission, The Dark One and Buck Diamondback have BOTH been eliminated!
PURGATORY: Down to four! You don’t see if often because the situation doesn’t present itself everyday but Diamondback and The Dark One tap out at virtually the same time and there’s zero wasted motion because Vertigo and Retro are going punch for punch to the sides of their heads! IT’S A PUNCH PARTY! BRING YOUR OWN….TO HELL WITH IT! JUST BRING IT!
AL SNOW: Berserk is pretty much a weightless carcass as Omega tosses what’s left of him into the ring. This whole time, he’s been tossed into the stairs, tossed into the ring post and tossed into the barricade out here. He was Face Dunked into the International Announce Table which is a call we missed but the announce table sure didn’t and now he’s been tossed in there like the old timer say like a sack of potatoes.
PURGATORY: Yeah. You’re old. You know, the surprise of this match is that The Retro Playa is starting to come into his own here. He got The Dark One to tap and is now in control of Vertigo there. In the corner and man! Those chops gotta sting! Everywhere!
AL SNOW: Irish whip by Retro. Vertigo reverses. Retro reverses the reversal. Vertigo re-reverses the reversal. Retro with a re-re-reverse….
PURGATORY: Re-re? Stop smokin’ my pot up, Scoob!
AL SNOW: Reversals all the way into the corner! Out of the corner. Into a DDT by Vertigo! Whew! I’m dizzy!
PURGATORY: I’m not trying to get off the subject here, but Berserk is still laid out in the ring and Omega has all but vanished beneath the ring. He’s looking for something under that ring and all I can see is a small part of his boot meaning he’s a good half-ways under the ring.
AL SNOW: And Vertigo pulling a page out of Hogan here and cuffing the ear. What’s his big idea? Could it be? Would it be? IT’S THE ATOMIC LEG DROP! Berserk is done for!
PURGATORY: VERTIGOMANIA IS RUNNING WILD, BROTHER!
AL SNOW: Retro pulling himself up and Vertigo picking up Berserk by the head. Leave the man alone and pin him already. Fireman’s Carry. Airplane Spin! What’s with the spinning in this match? Round and round we go and WHAT THE HELL?
PURGATORY: RE-EWA-PLAY, please! Okay, Retro comes off the top rope with an off-balanced Cross Body and wait a minute, look! One, two and three! We got another double elimination!
KITANA BAKER: By pin fall, both Berserk and Vertigo have BOTH been eliminated!
AL SNOW: What happened?
PURGATORY: I still got the replay on pause here. Retro hits the off-balanced Cross Body. Crashes into Vertigo and Berserk. This leads into Vertigo hitting a Samoan Drop on Berserk whether he wanted to or not Vertigo falls back. Slides over. Bunch of bodies piled up but look, Berserk is flat out but Vertigo slides onto his shoulders. Vertigo is pretty much pinning Berserk with his butt and Retro is on his left side grabbing at his ribs but look at his legs. Both are on Vertigo’s chest like he drop kicked him. This time, Teri and Tylene get into position. They make the count and with four referees, it’s hard to miss a call. The whole thing was an accident! This is no accident. Back from the replay, we still got a Vertigo slash Retro slash Berserk human body pile up and Omega’s in the ring with a baseball bat.
AL SNOW: This man’s been outside the ring the whole time and hasn’t gone through nearly what everyone else has gone through. As a matter of fact, compared to everyone else, he’s taken a lazy road but Omega has a bat and it’s down to him and Retro. Retro looks like he hit his ribs and grabbed them as soon as he hit the Cross Body. Vertigo grabbing his head. He’s dizzy and might not know what’s going on. Retro pulling himself up. NO! FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD! OMEGA ALMOST DECAPITATES RETRO WITH THAT BAT SHOT!
PURGATORY: He hit Retro dead in the face and I what I really mean DEAD IN HIS MASK! Retro wears a metallic mask that covers his face. It’s like those NBA nose protectors but much more resilient. It’s designed to be a wearable mask in the vein of Vega and it can take a lot but no way can it take a baseball bat shot by a four-hundred plus pound man. Look at him telling all four refs to count the fall. One, two, three and done.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match….OMEGA!
AL SNOW: This was a calculated win by the President of the EWA. He concentrated on one guy, never did anything to wear himself out, never took a big risk, and as the largest athlete in the match, they never saw him coming. He wasn’t out to make the crowd oh, ah and chant holy shit because he just beat up one man, bid his time and when the opportunity came, he flat out stole it.
PURGATORY: He’ll either be called coward or genius, but he’s the winner.
AL SNOW: Omega celebrates what he considers a calculated win and we celebrated what will be the last monthly card as it is known. Where will it go from here? What will happen? All I know is that this is good-bye for now and we’ll see you on the rebound.
PURGATORY: Thanks to the participants and to all who showed genuine support. Final Salute-Tion is over and we’ll be seeing you as long as we are EWA.