Blown Away 2000
The sold out EWA arena is packed beyond belief, as the entrance ramp gets lit up with fireworks, Mark and Rhino come down the ramp, and get the fans going. They go to the announcers booth and put on the head sets.
Mark: The capacity crowd, is on their feet, for the action you are about to witness tonight, where we will see nothing short of the best damn extreme wrestlers this side of the planet. Where HHH, Steiner, and the loose cannon Sid take on each other in an exploding CAGE MATCH, with the People’s Champ being the guest referee. Also coming up we have a stable match that is going to be an all out WAR!
Yeah so quit your yapping and lets get on wit the matches. These people have paid to see action and damn near they are going to get it.
Rhino: …..wow, that damn near suprised me. But hey, this is EWA anything could happen. Demon really showed the fans that when it comes to winning…anything goes.
Texas Tornado Tag Team Match
TBS and Mankind Vs. Rikishi and Kurt Angle
Rikishi and the Olympian Kurt Angle make their way to the ring. Big Show and Mankind rush out and blind side them. Both tag teams are going at it, tooth and nail, fighting for the respect of the EWA locker room. Kurt Angle is exchanging blows with the Mickster, while the two big men go at it. The ref is trying to restore some order, The Big Show grabs Rikishi and slams him hard into the stairs. Kurt and Mankind are in the ring, Kurt is hammering away at Mick’s chest, with violent chops. Into the ropes goes Mankind, no reversal, into a double-arm DDT out of nowhere. Cover, 1-2-no kick out by Angle. Big Show and Rikishi have finally made their way to their respectful corners. Tag made by Mick to the Big Show, the Big Show picks up Angle, and gives him a gorilla press slam. Angle, clutches at his stomach, cover 1-2-NO how Angle got that shoulder up I have no idea. The Big Show is signaling that he has had enough of this match. He grabs Angle, no below the belt blow by Angle, and he tags in RIKISHI! Rikishi is in, clothesline to Mankind, Kurt Angle and Rikishi perform a beautiful double back body drop on the Big Show, and Angle baseball slides out hitting Mick in the face. Rikishi grabs TBS and throws him into the corner. The crowd is cheering, oh no how humiliating, Big Show just got a face full of…well, ass. Rikishi grabs TBS and hits the sit-down piledriver. Mankind tries to get in the ring, Angle has him, sit-down powerbomb. Cover on Big Show 1-2-3! The bell rings, and Rikishi and Kurt dance for the fans.
WINNER: Kurt Angle and Rikishi
Tag Team Title Match (Table match)
KKK Vs. Outsiders
The Wolfpac/DX remix comes on and the Outsiders, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walk out to a mixed reaction. They step in the ring and Hall does his usual survey, and “Straight Outta Compton” blares on the sound system. The crowd roars, as the original “Gangstas” Malice, Damu, and Treach walk out, with their gold, smoking cigars. They put them out and rush to the ring. The Outsiders quickly slide out of the ring, and Malice holds up Damu and Treach’s arm and yells out to the crowd. He hands the ref the belts, and steps to the outside, as Nash enters the ring, and makes the sign of the Wolfpack, Damu looks at Malice, then to Nash, and grabs his crotch returning the gesture. Nash lunges at Damu, and they start punching each other, exchanging left and rights, rake to the eyes by Nash. Damu is whipped into the ropes, and gets caught with a vicious clothesline. Nash, picks Damu up, and throws him into the corner, and gives him a couple of knife edge chops to the chest. But…Damu is laughing, he is actually loving the pain. He nails Nash with a knee lift, and throws him into the ropes and explodes with a massive sidewalk slam. Malice is setting up tables on the outside. Remember to win this match you must get both members of the opposite team through tables at any costs. Nash is looking like a ragdoll, struggling to get the fresh man in. Damu, tags in Treach, and they both grab Nash, Treach goes to the top rope. Damu clubs the back of Nash’s head with his forearm, and hands him to Treach. The crowd is roaring in excitement. Treach points to the table, and makes the signal. Wait a minute, HHH is coming, Nash is on top of Treach’s shoulders, getting ready to be thrown down. HHH has a chair, he leaps up, and *SLAM* lays a chairshot into Treach, both Treach and Nash fall, crashing through the table. Hall and Damu, are staring in amazement, and then they stare at each other. Hall grabs his toothpick and throws it in Damu’s face. Damu lays in some chops to Hall’s chest, and throws him into the ropes, and levels him with a monstrous boot to the face. HHH goes and sets up a table. Damu grabs Hall, and HHH goes, and grabs the tag team belt, as Damu throws Hall into the ropes, no reversal, and Damu gets clocked with the belt. He is out, HHH slides Damu on the table. Hall gets a goofy grin on his face, and climbs to the top rope. Wait a minute there is Sid, Sid comes out and gives HHH an elbow smash and enters the ring, clubbing Hall in the back, stunning him. Damu is helped off the table by Malice and Treach. Dear God Sid has that look in his eye. He grabs Hall, from the top rope, CHOKE SLAM THROUGH A TABLE!!! Treach, Malice, and Damu, are in the ring hugging, they light up their cigars and hold up the belts.
WINNERS: Killah Kali Klan
TRIPLE THREAT EXPLODING CAGE MATCH (WORLD TITLE)
SID Vs. STEINER Vs. HHH
Mark: The Rock has made his way to the ring, and waits the fans cheering for him. The Game comes out, a little angry at the past few moments, where he witnessed his fellow DXer Hall get choke slammed through a table. Sid is already in the ring, as the cage begins to lower. HHH steps through the door, and immediately Sid and HHH get in each others face. The ref gets in between them, trying to break them up. The nWo’s music comes on, and the current EWA World champion Scott Steiner walks out, and goes into a pose or two, before stepping inside the cage. The timers for the explosives are set for 20 minutes. The three men, are staring each other down, each in it for their own reasons, but the one reason that links them all it that they want to be the baddest SOB in the federation. Here we go, the start of what may be the ending of a title reign, and the end of someone’s career! All three men are punching anything that touches them. Sid grabs both men and gives them a headbutt. HHH absorbs it and chops Sid, another chop, what is Steiner doing? He is talking with one of his hoochie out in the crowd, while the two men beat each other to a pulp. Sid gives HHH an atomic drop, and goes off the ropes splashing BPP into the cage. Sid is all over the cage, he grabs HHH and hurls him against the cage. Scott, gets to his knees as Sid walks towards, low blow by Steiner. Scott gets up and gives Sid a right, right, left, and gives him a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for good measure. God just look at those arms..scary thought of what might happen if you saw him in a dark alley. HHH is back on his feet, and goes off the ropes towards Steiner giving him a flying knee to the jaw. Sid, grabs HHH and gives him a super-kick. BPP is up and grabs Sid giving him a neckbreaker. Scott poses for a few moments, and then starts to stomp away at both HHH and Sid. He gets to the cage and begins to climb the cage, Sid is getting up slowly. BPP is about halfway there, Sid, grabs him by his trunks and pulls him down. Sid now begins to stomp a mud hole in Big Poppa Pump. HHH stands up, and low blows Sid, he grabs him and PEDIGREEs that mofo! HHH gets up tiredly and grabs the cage, making his ascend up the cage, but BPP, grabs on to HHH’s leg, and jerks him down. About 10 minutes left on the timer, as all three men are turning up the heat, and going full force at each other. This has turned back into a full bar room brawl. All three of the men are exchanging blows, going all over the cage, Sid and HHH hurl Steiner into the cage, and it nearly busts open. Look at that force, Steiner has to be out like disco, there is nothing left. They are all bloody messes, Triple H and Sid punch each other, HHH ducks a short arm clothesline, and hits a stiff forearm into Sid’s jaw. Sid falls down, and HHH holds on to the ropes to catch his breath. Scott stumbles up and starts to choke HHH. HHH with a mule kick to Steiner, who goes down hard. Sid is up and is climbing the cage, but wait so is Triple H, who will make it up first. There is 30 seconds left. Sid, and Triple H are having a hard time climbing up the cage, they are NECK AND NECK, THIS IS WHAT THE EWA IS ALL ABOUT, EXCITEMENT, THE COUNTDOWN IS ALMOST UP, HHH AND SID ARE ALMOST OVER, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1, THE RING DETONATED, BOTH HHH AND SID GOTH THROWN OFF THE CAGE AT THE SAME TIME!!!! DEAR GOD, SMOKE IS EVERYWHERE, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SCOTT, HE ISN’T MOVING, THE PARAMEDICS ARE ON THE SCENE.
Mark: Sweet Jesus, GOD DAMN! The referees are conferring with each other as all three men are wheeled away in the stretchers. This is real bad. Wait a minute the senior referee, John Finnigan has grabbed a microphone.
John: As a result of the ending of the last match. The referees and I have looked in the rule book, and confirmed our decision with the executives, therefore, the NEEEWWW EWA WORLD CHAMP is BOTH SID AND TRIPLE H! They are going to be co-owning the belt from now until the next PPV, that means they must defend the belt, for two cards, before a return match against HHH and Sid is reached. Thank you and have a good night.
Mark: A HHH and Sid are both the World Champ?? That is insane, those two just go done beating the living hell out of each other and now they have to watch each others back until they get a rematch? What else can happen tonight. Folks we are going to take a short break.
Mark: Welcome back to EWA: Blown Away! Rhino, to say the first hour was chaotic was an understatement.
Rhino: Don’t try to sound smart. It only makes you look even dumber! This is EWA action at it’s most predictable being that the EWA is very not that word! I ain’t recapping ’cause if you missed it, it’s too fuckin’ bad!
Matt: Well, we have new tag champions and a 1st ever EWA CO-World Heavyweight Champion to name a few surprises earlier.
Rhino: Damnit, Mark! Always marking out for the fans!
Mark: Shut up. Let’s get on with the action.
Hell in A Cell Match
The Rock(winner) Vs Bret Hart
(Note: This match is written like this because FRNA2000 owned Rock at the time. I injured him with a possibility for him to come back if someone picks him up)
Mark: The Cell of Hell is lowering here. This means The Rock and Bret Hart are up next.
Rhino: I can’t wait. I hope The Rock gets taken apart! I hate that catchphrase idiot!
Mark: They’re making checks to the cage. Everything seems fine. Now all that’s left is for the competitors to step in.(IF YA SSSMMMEEELLL….WHAT THE MOCK..IS COOKIN’) Did you hear what I just heard?
Rhino: That music means only one thing. The Mock is coming down here for something.
Mark: Purgatory. Wow. The last thing we need is a psycho comin’ down.
Rhino: For once, I agree with ya, Mark.
Mark: Well, like it or not, Purgatory is on his way down in his Mock persona. He’s coming here.
Rhino: Go ahead, Mock, grab a headset.
Mock: Now The Mock wants to know which one of you macaronies is the play-by-play man and which one is the Color Commentator?
Mark: I’m play by play. Rhino is color.
Mock: Well, The Mock says this. I brought a gift for you two.
Mark: Wow, thanks. You didn’t have to….
Mock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO! The Mock gives to you, Mark, this gigantic play button and a Kid N’ Play record.
Mark: Ummm. Thanks I guess.
Rhino: I don’t know if I want my gift.
Mock: You’re gonna get it anyway, jabroni. I have something for you.
Rhino: Ouch! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Mock: The Mock says your color commentating jabroni face looks too pale. The Mock brought his crayons down to color your Winnie the Pooh stupid face!
Mark: Please. We REALLY need to get to the match. Bret Hart’s music has started up. He’s on his way.
Rhino: The best there is. The best there was. The best that ever will be. He has said it in WCW. He has said it here. Now all he has to do is prove it.
Mark: Bret is all business here. He’s in the ring now.(IF YA SSSMMMEEELLL….WHAT THE ROCK….IS COOKIN’) The Rock’s music has kicked up here and the crowd has exploded!
Rhino: I don’t get it. The people love this guy. All he has done here is run his big mouth! He’s gonna find out what the EWA is all about!
Mock: The Mock says this jabroni is not EWA. I know what it takes to be EWA and this man is not. He even had to copy MY gimmick. It’s gimmick infringement, man. Gimmick infringement!
Mark: I don’t think….
Mock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! Know your role and call the match because it has started.
Mark: Aw man! The Rock is somewhat of a brawler and Bret is a technical machine. Right now, they are feeding each other knuckle sandwiches!
Mock: Sandwiches? Food? Where? I thought Rock liked pancakes. Maybe he should pancake his ass back to get him some new entrance music.
Mark: Speaking of Rock, he’s getting the better of Bret. He’s backing him into the corner with punches. Right hand! Right hand! Right hand! Rock opens his hand. He just laid the smackdown! Aw man! Hitman just went low!
Rhino: No wonder they call him Hitman. Only a marksman can hit a target that small.
Mark: Hitman is clubbing Rock down with some forearms. European Uppercut. Another one. Rock is fighting back. Right hand! Right hand! He backs Bret to the ropes. Irish whip. Rock goes for the clothesline. misses. Hitman hits that classic Hart Attack clothesline!
Rhino: Also known as a neckbreaker drop in some areas. Hitman on the offense!
Mark: Hitman is stomping The Rock down. He tosses him outside. Bret rams Rock right into the steel steps!
Mock: Damn. Why is Rock having all the fun?
Mark: Bret is going under the ring. He’s looking for something. He has a chair! Isn’t the cage enough steel? Man! He just laid The Rock out with it! He keeps hitting him with it! What are you waiting for, ref? Get that chair away from Hitman!
Rhino: You forget where we are, Mark? This is EWA! If you can’t take a chairshot, then get the hell out!
Mark: Hitman finally tosses the chair away and tosses Rock back in. He picks Rock up. Backbreaker. Goes to the turnbuckle. Climbs to the middle. Elbow Drop. He follows up with a chinlock.
Rhino: Bret is doing what he does best. Systematically taking a wrestler apart.
Mark: Hitman lets go of the chinlock. What’s this? he looks like he’s going for The Sharpshooter! No! He just stomped Rock right in the gut! Hitman looks mighty confident. He picks Rock up. Irish whip. No! Rock just reversed it right into a Samoan drop!
Mock: He stole my move! The Mock is pissed!
Mark: Both men are down. The ref is starting the 10 count. Bret and Rock are battling out again. Hart whips Rock to the ropes. Goes for a shoulder toss. Wow! Rock floats over and hits a DDT! How long has it been since he did that?
Rhino: It’s called the “Laying The Smackdown DDT” in many video games. It’s been a while since we’ve seen it.
Mark: The Rock is in command now. Punching and kicking. He knocks Bret to the outside. He’s hammering Rock down. Man! Hart just grabbed Rock by the tights and pulled him right into the cage. Rock is stunned.
Mock: The Mock says that Rock had a wee accident and now he’s gushing the good stuff.
Mark: The chair shots earlier plus that ram into the cage has Rock busted wide open.
Rhino: Two things to actually expect in the EWA; Blood and lots of it!
Mark: Hitman grabs Rock and puts him back in the ring. He is dragging him to the turnbuckle. Uh-oh.
Mock: The Mock says that pink and black jabroni is going for a signature move of his. He’s gonna wrap Rock’s legs around that ring post and put him in the Figure 4 leg lock.
Mark: You called it, Mock. He must’ve heard you and now he’s doing it!
Rhino: He’s gonna break The Rock’s leg! Yes!
Mark: Hart has it locked on! There’s no way he’s gonna let go! What? He let go. Why? I get it. He wants to break The Rock with the Sharpshooter. He’s in the ring. He picks Rock up. Hart is looking cocky. Hart tries for another Irish Whip. No! Rock reverses! Spinebuster!
Rhino: He has that look in his eye, Mark!
Mark: He kicks Hart. He’s taking the elbow pad off. He throws it against the cage! Can it be? Yes! He’s gonna hit the most electrifying move in sports entertainment; The People’s Elbow!
Mock: He copies my move to perfection and now they are both down.
Mark: Both athletes are down. Rock is rolling out of the ring. He’s up! Uh-Oh. He has the same chair he was beaten with earlier. He slides it in the ring but Bret is up. He’s beating on the Rock again. European Uppercut. Another one. Rock staggers. Hart climbs the ropes. He’s going for an ax handle smash. He gets caught! Rock Bottom!
Rhino: Right on the chair too! Hart has to be out!
Mark: Cover! One! Two! Three! The Rock wins it!
Mock: Maybe The Rock belongs here after all.
Mark: The Rock is asking the person outside to unlock the cage. The cage is open. Rock is walking out. Looks like he’s walking out. No, he’s coming back. Is he coming to finish Hart? What the hell? He’s climbing the cage!
Rhino: What’s he doing?
Mark: He’s up on the cage giving them what they want! He’s raising the eyebrow on top of the cage!
Rhino: A large raised eyebrow at that height.
Mark: Well, The Rock wins his 1st match here and….what the hell? We’re in total blackness here.
Rhino: I can’t see a thing.
Mock: The Mock says he is prepared for everything. Look a this.
Mark: That toy lightsaber & glow-in-the-dark shirt won’t help things.
Mock: Yeah, but I’ll be able to see.
Mark: I don’t know if this is area-related or purposely done. The lights are on again. Look in the corner of the other side of the cage!
Rhino: It’s Demon Child! I guess he wants a piece of The Rock!
Purg: Hey, look in the ring. A table has come out of nowhere. How interesting is this going to get?
Mark: That table was obviously placed there in the darkness. Right now, they are beating the hell out of each other! Rock is getting the advantage. He has Demon hooked! He’s gonna Rock Bottom him! Rock Bottom! Oh no! The weight of those two was too much for the cage! They fall through! They land on the table! I think they’re dead!
Purg: Through the cage, through the table. They didn’t go through the mat. I guess 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Mark: Get some help out here now!
Rhino: I think this is the last time we will see the Rock and Demon Child.
Mark: This is tragic. All we can do is wait for the next match now. I guess the show must go on.
Steel Cage #1 Contenders for the Tag Team Titles Match
Tazz and Raven(winners) Vs Too Cool
Mark: I’m getting some word in the back. What? Are you sure? It seems that this cage is staying for tonight. We’re gonna have a broken steel cage match to determine the #1 contenders for the Tag Titles? This is unprecedented!
Rhino: There you go trying to sound smart again. This is the first time a #1 contenders match will be decided in a cage that is not all that stable!
Rhino: This is what the EWA is all about! Danger at the extreme maximum!
Purg: How come they never did that for me?
Mark: This is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. Well, that hip-hop music can only mean one thing; we are about to see Too Cool.
Rhino: Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty are on their way. The people seem to like them.
Purg: Why is it that nearly everyone here must suck the living daylights out of an old gimmick? Originality is clearly dead here. Has anyone seen where I put my Dixie cups?
Mark: Too Cool are in the ring. Now we wait for a most unlikely alliance.
Rhino: What happens when you have a Human Suplex Machine like Tazz who is willing to tag with a tormented soul like Raven?
Mark: I guess we’re gonna find out. No music, no pyro, no lights, no nothing. It’s Tazz. It’s Raven. It’s both of them darting to the ring. It’s everyone fighting and things being chaotic!
Rhino: The ref is letting it go! He loves this chaos as much as we do!
Purg: I ain’t in it. It sucks to all hell!
Mark: The match is crazy! Grandmaster and Tazz are fighting outside! Raven and Scotty are inside!
Purg: Hey! It’s Scotty Vs Scotty!
Mark: Raven is scoring some knockdowns. Grandmaster Sexay is doing well against Tazz. Scotty is punching Raven. He whips him to the turnbuckle. Bulldog!
Rhino: Are we gonna see it?
Mark: I think so! Scotty has that look on his face! He’s doing the steps. It’s The Worm! Scotty just hit The Worm!
Rhino: But Tazz just suplexed Grandmaster right into the cage. That cage is shaking kind of fierce.
Mark: Scotty is celebrating in the ring. Look out! A piece of that cage just feel on Scotty! Scotty went down. Raven is up. Evenflow DDT! He just Evenflowed him right on the piece of cage! What is Raven doing now? He slams the piece of cage on Scotty! Cover! One! Two! Three! Raven and Tazz win!
Rhino: Raven just slammed that large piece of fencing on Scotty 2 Hotty. Looks like Tazz and Raven aren’t done yet.
Mark: Tazz throws Sexay in the ring. Tazzmission! He’s choking the Grandmaster out!
Rhino: Look at Raven! Another Evenflow on 2 Hotty! They’re not done Raven is telling Tazz to choke 2 Hotty also. Raven is climbing the cage! That cage isn’t sturdy. Be careful.
Mark: Raven appears to be taping something to the cage top. He looks to be taping small devices to the top of the cage. Tazz is choking out 2 Hotty. Raven is shouting something to Tazz. Tazz leaves the cage. He is waiting for Raven. They are walking down the entryway. Raven grabs a camera man. What he say? Fire in the hole? I think we better duck, Rhino. Something bad is gonna happen.
Rhino: Yeah. See you guys under the table.
Purg: Well you guys can hide under there if ya want. Don’t do anything funny. I’ll call the stuff. Raven just said fire in the hole. I’m waiting too see what happens. Why does Tazz have a remote in his hand? You can’t turn on that big TV behind you with that. Everybody knows the EWA big screen TV better known as EWA Hardcore Theater is hooked up to a Clapper! So clap if you want it on or off. Tazz and Raven just pressed a button. Ouch! Something just blew! What the hell? Damn! The top of the cage just blew! That metal is raining down on Too Cool! Damn part 2! Why couldn’t I be in there!
Mark: Is it over? Can I come up? Holy Shit! What happened?
Rhino: What the hell happened Purgatory?
Purg: Well, I ain’t too smart but I think Raven taped small explosives to the cage top. They activate the explosives. Too Cool is in an automatic steel shower.
Mark: What? I missed it? Damn!
Rhino: Me too. I guess we will have to clean the ring out before our next matches happen.
Mark: Welcome back! If you have just joined us, we have been in some kind of tornado that can be described as EWA action!
Rhino: Is there anything the EWA can’t rig to blow up?
Purgatory: And here I am. Only able to watch the chaos and not feel it. I can’t tell you how much this sucks.
Mark: Well, what is left of the Cell of Hell has been removed from the ring and now we await the next match.
First Blood Number One Contender for the FTW Title match
Stone Cold Steve Austin(winner) Vs Chris Jericho
Rhino: This next match is gonna be nothing short of something special. It’s a 1st Blood Match between the guy who keeps stealing all my beers in Austin versus the man known as the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah in Chris Jericho. I don’t know about this match. The first guy to get the other guy run a crimson river wins but the winner has to face Sid or
whoever has the FTW Title by that time.
Purg: Yeah. The guy with the least ketchup on his head will have to go on and face my fellow resident psycho in Sid. He and that FTW belt are now one. He even calls it the RTW belt because he says and I know psychos rule the world. Getting that belt away from Sid is gonna be hard as hell. If anyone can do it, it’s one of these guys.
Mark: Well, now we await the arrival of….wait a minute, The Y2J counter is counting down. 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! 0! (BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!) Here comes Y2J! Chris Jericho is on his way to the ring!
Rhino: Yeah. Too bad it’s the WWF Chris Jericho. A guy with his talent doesn’t need to suck the life out of and former federation gimmick. Everyone with the exception of a few has done this. Why?
Mark: Well Y2J is on his way down complete with old WWF gimmick. He’s getting in the ring now. He has the microphone. Shouldn’t be to hard to figure out what he’s gonna say next.
Jericho: Hello everyone! Welcome to PHILADELPHIA IS JERICHO! (Crowd cheers) Tonight, I face that Texas Rattlesnake in a match. If I can get him to bleed bad, I will go on to face that psychopath Sid for the FTW belt. Well, tonight, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah promises a few things. Tonight, I promise to now and forever be EWA!(Crowd cheers) Tonight, I promise to defeat Austin and go get that FTW Title from Sid and rename it the BTW belt because I have broken the walls and will continue to do so to succeed (mixed reaction from crowd) and I promise that I will beat Austin tonight so bad that he will NNNEEEVVVEEERRR (Crowd: EEEVVVEEERRR) EEEVVVEEERR be able to wrestle again!
Mark: Well, Jericho is fired up! He’s as ready as it gets.
Rhino: He better be ready because there’s a rattlesnake winding his way down to the ring!
Mark: The Wolfpack/DX remix is playing loudly and here comes a man who I can’t believe is DX. Stone Cold is walkin’ down and he’s walkin’ down with a mission: make Jericho bleed.
Rhino: Austin is looking fierce.
Purg (singing): Have you seen it? Tell me have you seen it?
Rhino: Yeah. Another guy sucking the life out of a past gimmick.
Mark: Austin is doing his arm raises on the turnbuckles. He has a microphone also. It’s pretty certain that Austin will not say anything nice about Mr. Jericho.
Rhino: Damn, you sound stupid as all hell. Let’s just see what Mr. 3:16 says.
Austin: If ya think Jericho should shut the hell up, gimme a hell yeah! (Crowd: HELL YEAH!) Jericho, I’m gonna keep this short, you piece of crap! Tonight, ain’t about you, it’s about me stompin’ a mudhole in your sorry ass and walkin’ it dry!
Mark: Man, Stone Cold is ready!
Rhino: You damn right!
Austin: Now, since I am DX. I guess I only got two words….nah. Oh hell, I ain’t got two words for ya, Jericho. Remember who you’re talkin’ to, son. Stone Cold says he has two BIRDS for ya!
Mark: Austin just told Jericho he’s #1!
Rhino: With both fingers!
Purg: Jericho just showed him a boot in the breadbasket! Man, I’m hungry.
Mark: Jericho and Austin are beating the hell out each other. Austin is beating Y2J to the punch. Austin almost looks like a boxer! That right hand sent Jericho clean out of the ring!
Rhino: Austin has just established an early ass kickin’! Jericho better stay out there and take that count to slow the match down.
Mark: Jericho is lookin’ to go back. Looks like he’s had enough.
Purg: (clearing throat) IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT JERICHO WANTS! He should take a glance to watch his back because Austin is on the hunt!
Mark: Too bad Jericho don’t have eyes in the back on his ass! He don’t see Austin!
Rhino: He don’t need to see Austin but he damn sure felt that right hand that just knocked him on his ass! Austin is on fire! He’s dragging Jericho back! Rolls him in! Jericho is back up! He’s kickin’ field goals on Austin now!
Mark: Jericho is now in control. Damn! Did you hear that chop?
Rhino: What? I though that was thunder.
Purg: Some people say Austin is a redneck. I guess he has a red chest to match.
Mark: Jericho goes for an Irish Whip! Austin reverses it! Kick to the gut! Stunner! Austin just made Jericho flip right out of his boots with a Stunner!
Rhino: Mental note to all the wrestlers who haven’t wrestled yet: The Irish Whip is not working to good in this pay per view. You forget, Mark, the Stunner don’t mean jack here! Austin has to win this by making Jericho bleed!
Mark: Austin heading outside. What is his weapon of choice?
Rhino: I don’t know. He has a lot of choices out here.
Purg: The ring bell? What a choice! You guys gonna see why pretty soon!
Mark: He’s getting in the ring. Jericho is still down after the Stunner. Austin has the bell. What’s he gonna do?
Purg: Fellas, it’s time to wake up Mr. Y2J.
Mark: Austin just hit Y2J with that bell right in the head!
Rhino: I think that did the job. Looks like Jericho is open.
Mark: I’m looking also. Jericho is open. It’s not bad enough to stop the match. Austin picks up a bloody Jericho. Working on that cut with those punches. Austin is really taking advantage here. Aw man! That had to hurt!
Rhino: Austin’s voice may sound a little higher after this match. Jericho might not play kickball but he just hit some with that blow right there. Jericho buys himself some time. Irish Whip. Nails a drop-kick! Jericho rolls out. He has a chair! Austin is up. Austin is down! Did you hear the impact of that chair shot?
Purg: Man, I could go for some of that. Looks like the shot put him and Austin on even ground.
Mark: Austin is busted open. Both competitors are bleeding badly now. When’s the ref gonna stop this?
Rhino: When one guy is bleeding worse than the other, Mark.
Mark: Jericho is placing the chair over Austin’s head. Asai Moonsault onto the chair right on Austin’s head!
Rhino: Jericho hurt himself too.
Purg: Yeah but he’s back up, though.
Mark: He’s up and he’s going for Austin’s leg’s. He locks in the Walls Of Jericho!
Rhino: Call it an Elevated Crab, call it a Liontamer. Either way, Austin’s body and any other human body is not meant to bend that way!
Purg: You can put that on Austin all day. He ain’t gonna tap.
Mark: I can only assume Y2J is trying to wear Austin down. He’s gotta know that the Walls don’t give him the win here. Look at that cocky foot pin! I wouldn’t do that, Jericho.
Rhino: Austin is pissed everyday. This is gonna push him over that edge.
Mark: A cocky Jericho is picking up a weakened Austin. He looks to be in full control. Irish whip, misses a clothesline, Austin bounces back. Lou Theiz Press! Right hands a plenty! Austin unloads on Jericho and shows him that pissing him off is something you don’t want to do!
Rhino: Austin is pissed and he’s in control at the moment. He picks Jericho up. Look at Jericho fight back with those thunder chops. Jericho is wailing away. Jericho misses. Kick to the gut! Stunner! Another Stunner! Austin hits gold again!
Mark: Austin is on his game and in full control. Huh? What the….
Austin: Stone Cold says he feels like talking right now so he just took your damn headset, Mark! You gotta problem with that?
Mark: (sounding distant) No, no problem Mr. Austin.
Austin: You damn right their ain’t no problem. Rhino, don’t give no smarty ass smirk to Mark. You ain’t safe from a genuine 3:16 ass-whuppin’!
Rhino: No problems here, Steve.
Austin: You better believe it. What about you, you crazy son of a bitch, you gotta problem with my ass talkin’?
Purg: I’m pissed that I can’t open these beers. I have no fingernails.
Austin: Well, since my ass is thirsty, I’ll open ya up one. Where’s my damn cooler?
Purg: Right here. I tried to use these gloves but they don’t work.
Austin: (Pausing) What the hell? What the hell did you do to my beer?
Purg: Consider it a gift from a resident psycho. Hit Jericho and go ahead to face Sid. I promise you that he will be harder to put down and defeat.
Mark: What did you give Austin?
Rhino: That beer looked strange.
Purg: Just look. It’s gonna be somethin’ special.
Mark: Austin has gloves on. He’s taking the beer out. Oh my God!
Rhino: I can’t believe what I’m seeing. EWA has established history as having barb-wired beer!
Mark: How in the hell….
Purg: Glue. A little bit of creativeness. Somebody give me a Blue Ribbon.
Mark: Stone Cold is armed with barbed wire beer! He is unloading on Jericho now!
Rhino: The beer is still full too! That’s gotta hurt!
Mark: The ref is lookin’. The ref is calling for the bell! It’s over! Austin has won this thanks to Purg!
Purg: Yeah. The ref stopped it ’cause Jericho went from a blond to a blood-redhead looking to wash his hair in beer.
Rhino: I wonder what Sid is gonna think about this.
Purg: It was his idea.
Purg: It’s a psycho thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Mark: Well, Austin is celebrating as he leaves by drinking some barb wire beer. The attendants are trying to clean this ring once again as we get ready for our next match.
Hulk Hogan Vs Randy Savage (No Contest)
Rhino: Man. Exploding cages, CO-World champions, Barb-wire beer. What the hell is gonna happen next?
Mark: Well, we got some legends ready to fight next. It’s a Lumberjack match between Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. The lumberjacks are everyone on the EWA roster and this match should be great. Purgatory, what the hell are you doin’?
Purg: WWWHHHEEEHHHAAA! You betta take a ganda at this here checkered shirt and recognize that I have to be a lumberjack! Soon, two trees are gonna be in the ring. I gotta take my fake ax, my Wrigley’s Chew, and my pancakes and syrup and go do my job!
Mark: Well, it looks like Purg is leaving the announcement table here.
Rhino: Whew! Man, that guy is nuts!
Mark: You should see what we are looking at here. Nearly the entire EWA roster coming down as lumberjacks.
Rhino: Take one look at these monsters walking to the ring. It looks like Halloween meets America’s Most Wanted. No question about it. All these men have talent and then some. EWA is #1 and there is no doubting that.
Mark: The wrestlers surround the ring. Now we await the arrival of the two competitors. Pomp and Circumstance kicks up and here comes the man known as the Macho Man.
Rhino: One of the most unpredictable men in this business is on his way down. A legend to say the least. He’s coming down to music that reminds me of my graduation. This sucks.
Mark: You graduated?
Rhino: Shut the hell up.
Mark: The Macho Man is in the ring and ready another fight versus Hogan. He has done this before which is why he is saying little.
Rhino: I can’t remember seein’ Macho so calm and concentrated before a match. Must be a new focus or something.
Mark: Any minute now, his opponent….(I WANT TO BE A HULKAMANIAC!) Well, speak of the devil. Here comes Hulk Hogan!
Rhino: I don’t care what anyone says. This man put wrestling on the map with the help of Vince McMahon. The things this man has done for wrestling will never be equaled. I just want to know why is he coming down to that music from his megaflop of a CD?
Mark: I don’t know. I know that this Hogan continues to survive in this business because he has finally adapted to the new outlook on wrestling. He is here now in the EWA and may be the man who puts us over.
Rhino: He might do it or get his career finally put to an end trying.
Mark: The ref is trying to start the match but Big Poppa Pump is on the ring apron. Now Buff Bagwell. Now Triple HHH, Now Sid….
Rhino: The entire EWA is getting on the ring apron!
Mark: Hogan just hit Credible! Macho just hit Jeff Jarrett! The entire ring is flooding! The entire EWA is beating the living hell out of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage!
Rhino: 20 versus 2? That’s unfair!
Mark: I’m seeing facebusters. I’m seeing chokeslams. There’s the Death Row Drop! I can’t believe the entire EWA is trying to take these 2 out!
Rhino: I can’t believe I’m saying this but Hulk Hogan is gettin’ his ass whipped by Aunt Jemama!
Mark: Purgatory is working Hogan over with that syrup bottle. I don’t think Hogan or Savage will be wrestling here anytime soon! Wait a minute. Malice is in Scott Hall’s face. Sid is in Austin’s face. Looks like things are gonna explode here. Kaboom! Now everybody is fighting everybody!
Rhino: More EWA chaos! You gotta love it!
Mark: Only Justin Credible and Buff Bagwell remain in the ring after everyone fights to the back. They are fighting like nobody’s business. A ref is bringing down the leather strap. I guess the Strap Match is up next!
Justin Credible Vs Buff Bagwell
Mark: Welcome back to Blown Away! If you have just joined us, we have jumped in the deep end of action here. The Strap Match is on!
Rhino: This started after that big fight earlier in the Lumberjack Match. Buff has the early advantage and the straps are on the athletes. Buff is going to work! Buff is beatin’ Justin like he’s his daddy! Wait a minute. Buff Daddy. Puff Daddy. I get it! It’s subliminal copyright infringement! Bagwell’s gonna get sued!
Mark: You can hear that leather just tear into Justin’s back! Man!
Rhino: There has been no technical gibberish here. Buff got Credible down with some punches and cheap shots and now he’s beatin’ the livin’ shit out of Justin!
Mark: Buff has stopped with the belt and now he starts systematically taking Justin apart. Irish Whip. Catches Credible. Manhattan Drop! Buff follows up with a stomp to the inside of Justin’s right thigh!
Rhino: I don’t know, Mark. That looked low to me.
Mark: Buff has Justin where he wants him. He picks him up for a piledriver. Nails him!
Buff is just wailing away with punches now. Look at Credible fight to his feet.
Rhino: Credible doesn’t know where he is!
Mark: Buff goes to the turnbuckle. Climbs to the middle. He pulls Credible towards him with the strap. Blockbuster! The Buff Blockbuster! Buff Bagwell just hit the Blockbuster!
Rhino: Blockbuster? That reminds me. I have to return my tape!
Mark: Justin Credible is Justin Deepshit! He’s helpless! All Buff has to do is touch the turnbuckles now and he wins this!
Rhino: Justin better do something fast or he’s toast!
Mark: There he goes. That’s one turnbuckle. That’s two. That’s three! One more & he wins this!
Rhino: Yeah but look at Justin hang on to the ropes! Buff is straining to get to the last corner!
Mark: Buff is stronger than Justin but Justin is hanging on to the ropes. Here comes Buff to get him off those ropes. Low blow. Credible just Buff right in the balls! Manhattan Drop! Credible is fighting back!
Rhino: Justin Credible is now living up to his name! He’s turning on all the notches!
Mark: Credible is putting the boots to Buff! He has the leather strap. He’s laying the leather down!
Rhino: Buff is what he says he is. He is Buff. If Justin keeps this up, he’s gonna change into Swoll!
Mark: Credible has the match goin’ his way. Picks him up. Irish whip with the strap. Clothesline with the leather!
Rhino: Talk about laying the smackdown!
Mark: What’s Justin doing? He’s stomping on the canvas to get some crowd support? That’s not like him.
Rhino: The crowd is responding. It sounds like a stampede in here!
Mark: I can’t believe this. I have never heard the crowd get behind Credible like this before! Did you see that?
Rhino: He just gave Buff Sweet Chin Music! I guess that friendship with HBK paid off!
Mark: What a superkick! Credible lays some belt whips in for good measure! He picks him up. Looks like a piledriver. No! Jackknife Powerbomb! Shades of Kevin Nash!
Rhino: Am I the only one who hears that sound? It sounds like a Kliq.
Mark: Justin Credible is hitting all the trade mark moves of his friends. He was friends with the most powerful group of men who literally had a lot of “stroke” backstage in the WWF. These group of men were known as “The Kliq.” He’s landed 2 so far.
Rhino: 2 down, 3 more to go.
Mark: He’s done the HBK thing. He does the Kevin Nash thing. Buff Bagwell is feeling more of the Kliq because he just felt the X-Factor!
Rhino: Beaten by the belt. Finishing moves of other wrestlers everywhere. Man, Buff is getting a free sample of the flavor of Credible ass-whuppin’!
Mark: This is not an image the female fans want to see. A limp Bagwell. He is completely helpless. Credible picks him up. Double underhook. Looks like a Pedigree. He nails the Pedigree! Man!
Rhino: Buff was out on the first move. Look at his face! His body is there but he sure ain’t there.
Mark: If he was, I think he would be runnin’ back out of this. Credible is pickin’ up Bagwell again. He holds his arms out….
Rhino: He’s going for an Outsider’s Edge, Chico! Cinco De Mayo! Yo Quierro Taco Bell!
Mark: Well, your Spanish sucks but not as much as Buff will think this sucks. Outsider’s Edge! Buff just got put on the edge!
Rhino: Buff is being tortured! I think Justin is enjoying this!
Mark: He is smiling. He is enjoying this. Not again! He’s picking Buff up again. What now? Oh no! That’s Incredible! Justin just hit That’s Incredible!
Rhino: The tombstone piledriver Justin executes so well has been put on Bagwell! Look! Justin just touched that turnbuckle right there!
Mark: It looks as if Justin is going for the win. Second turnbuckle touch. The crowd is counting along. Third turnbuckle. One more and he wins. He touched the forth! The forth turnbuckle has been touched. Credible wins!
Rhino: Look! Someone’s running into the ring!
Mark: It’s Scott Steiner! Big Poppa Pump just made Justin eat chair! He’s not done. He lifts Credible for a suplex. No! Steiner Screwdriver right on the chair! Man!
Rhino: He just screwed Justin Credible! What’s he gonna do now?
Mark: Steiner locks in the Steiner Recliner! Look at how Big Poppa is bending back! He’s trying to break Justin in two!
Rhino: Here comes the refs! Their coming to get Steiner off The MET’s are here also! Steiner is refusing to let the MET’s carry Buff out! He’s doing it himself! The MET’s are now attending to Justin. Will these two be able to wrestle later in the main event for the stable championship? We will find out when the time comes. Right now, we have another match coming and what a match it is.
FONT COLOR=”#ff0000″ SIZE=4 PTSIZE=12 FAMILY=”SANSSERIF” FACE=”Arial” LANG=”0″>EWA Television Title “Stairway To Hell” Match
Rob Van Dam(winner) Vs Jeff Jarrett
Mark: We got a match that’s one hell of a match coming up. Rob Van Dam faces Jeff Jarrett. The match is going to be a Stairway to Hell match. The goal. These two will start at the very depths of this building and one of them will have to have to literally walk his way all the way to the top of the building to get the TV belt.
Rhino: It’s gonna be one hell of a walk to get there. What? What are we looking at here?
Mark: No way! This match is starting in a sewer? Rob and Jeff are gonna stink coming out here if they do come here. Jeff is complaining about the smell. That sewer seems to be well lit. Here comes RVD! Rob Van Dam is coming! The two are punching the hell out of each other!
Rhino: EWA continues to set history! A match starting in a sewer Jarrett just took a gainer into some sewer water!
Mark: Uck! Rob Van Dam is controlling the match. Low blow by Jarrett. He slams RVD in the sewer! Man, what a wild way to begin! Jarrett is climbing a nearby ladder. He’s trying to get out of there fast and I don’t blame him!
Rhino: That ladder represents the first step in the Stairway to Hell. Jarrett hops on that step before RVD does. This doesn’t look good for Mr. Monday Night.
Mark: Jarrett pushes the lid of the sewer. He’s out! He starts to stumble toward the arena.
Rhino: He should look behind him!
Mark: Rob Van Dam is out of the sewer! He’s in pursuit! He picks up a nearby Road Cone and nails Jarrett! RVD with some stomps. Jarrett is getting stomped. Oh! He just tossed dirt right into RVD’s eyes! Rob is stunned. Body slam on RVD. Jarrett stumbling around trying to find something. Trash can. Jeff has a trash can! He just hit RVD with the can!
Rhino: Jeff just opened a can & dumped it on RVD!
Mark: Jarrett isn’t done yet. He picks a dazed RVD up. He’s dragging him toward the sewer. Are they going back down there? No! Jeff Jarrett sets RVD up. The Stroke! Jeff Jarrett just put The Stroke on RVD and RVD’s face just went right into the sewer lid! Jarrett’s not done. He threw RVD down in the sewer!
Rhino: I guess Jeff Jarrett wins this because RVD has just been broken!
Mark: Jeff is celebrating like he has won it. He’s walkin’ toward the arena now. I guess he’s gonna walk his way up to the roof of the arena here and be done with this match. He’s inside now. We’re just going to follow him here. He’s walking in the arena here somewhere. Wait! I know where he is! He’s coming toward here. He’s coming to the ring!
Rhino: I don’t get it. Why is he coming here? Just step your ass to the top of the arena, Jarrett! You can win this!
Mark: The nWo’s theme music has kicked up here. Here comes Jarrett.
Rhino: He is coming down looking as confident as ever and I don’t blame him. He’s got a microphone. Oh boy. It’s rant of a wrestler time.
Jeff Jarrett: I guess there’s no doubt about it. Philadelphia is definitely slapnuts country! (Crowd boos) I have said it time and time again. I am the chosen one!
Rhino: This is EWA, you idiot! That angle doesn’t exist here!
Jeff Jarrett: Before you slapnuts say Jeff Jarrett isn’t the chosen one in the EWA, let me explain what I mean. I chose to come here. I chose to join the nWo and take over the EWA with them. If you just noticed, a few minutes ago, I chose to end the career of one Rob Van Dam. (Crowd boos)
Mark: Rob was dumped in that sewer. There’s no telling how much damage he suffered from that spill.
Jeff Jarrett: You see, Rob is gone now. There is no one to get in my way from walking the golden road that’s paved within this crappy….excuse me….slappy arena and becoming the nWo Television champion. I am going to get my damn belt and there nothing nobody can do about it so choke on that, slapnuts!
Mark: Jeff Jarrett just came down here to talk. Now I guess he’s gonna take that walk. Speak of the devil! Do you hear what I hear, Rhino:
Rhino: I hear it, Mark! I hear Kilgore! ….Re! ….Spect! ….Walk! …What do ya say!
Mark: I say here comes Rob Van Dam and look at the look on his face.
Rhino: I have never seen RVD like that. He’s not pointing to himself. He’s not smiling. He’s lookin’ to whip Jeff Jarrett’s ass!
Mark: RVD is holding his shoulder. He may have hurt in that fall he took earlier. He is busted open also. But right know we are seeing EWA history because he looks to be all business.
Rhino: Look at Jeff Jarrett, he can’t believe it!
Mark: RVD sprints to the ring. He opens up on Jeff Jarrett! Man! RVD punches and kicks. Irish Whip. RVD misses a clothesline. Jeff bounces back and gets chin checked by a beautiful spinning heel kick by Mr. Monday Night!
Rhino: I don’t think he’s Mr. Monday Night tonight, Mark. I don’t even think he’s Mr. PPV now. Right now, he’s somebody else.
Mark: Rob Van Dam is definitely in another state of mind now. He is taking Jeff Jarrett apart! Waistlock. Northern Lights release suplex! RVD follows up with a quick leg drop. Picks Double J back up. Tosses him outside!
Rhino: This is RVD territory out here! Double J better get away!
Mark: RVD is in pursuit. Boot to Double J’s belly. Hip toss on Jeff right on the concrete! RVD is weapon hunting here. He’s looking for something here. What? Where that bag come from?
Rhino: RVD just came over here and grabbed a rather large duffel bag. I think that’s Purgatory’s usual bag of goodies. I wouldn’t open that if I were you, Rob! There’s no telling what’s in there!
Mark: Well, he doesn’t listen to you as usual, Rhino. The bag is emptied!
Rhino: What the hell was in that thing?
Mark: From what I can see, I see a big round red thing. Is that cheese? I think Rob just spilled Purg’s lunch!
Rhino: I think so. There’s cheese, a cheese grater, crackers, A gallon of chocolate milk, a bag of marshmallows, and the glow stick and toy lightsaber Purg had earlier. Now what is Rob gonna do with them?
Mark: He’s opening the cheese! I guess Rob is hungry. Rob better watch out. Jeff is getting back up. Rob tosses the cheese to him. Jeff catches it. Vandaminator! Jeff was just hit with the Vandaminator!
Rhino: Instead of a chair, there was cheese. This match has turned into a Purgatory match. Where is he? I thought he was supposed to be down here commentating with us.
Mark: I got a better question. Where is Bill Alfonso? He should be down here with Rob!
Rhino: Wait a minute. Look at the monitor, Mark.
Mark: A shot of the roof. There’s the Television title. Wait a minute. Someone is on the roof already. It’s Scott Steiner! He grabs the television title. He just called it a piece of crap!
Rhino: Does this mean Scott Steiner is the EWA Television Champion?
Mark: He has the belt. Oh no! He just tossed the EWA TV belt right off the building!
Rhino: The belt was just treated like a Frisbee!
Mark: Scott Steiner just tossed that belt off the building! Neither of these guys realize it yet! Wait a minute. There’s Bill! Alfonso is on the roof now. Is he nuts? He’s getting in Scott’s face!
Rhino: Well, Bill has guts but now he doesn’t have a head because Scott Steiner just took it off!
Mark: That Steinerline just put Alfonso on his ass! Big Poppa Pump has Alfonso off. Where’s he taking him?
Rhino: I don’t know. Big Poppa just kidnapped Bill Alfonso! Wait a minute. There’s Purgatory! He’s been watching this match the whole time. What did he just say? It’s time for the neighborhood to get friendly? What does he mean by that?
Mark: We’re up here talking about Bill, Scott, and Purgatory and not the match!
Rhino: Well, there’s nothing to really talk about. RVD has been laying into Jarrett with that chair and that toy lightsaber Purg left behind. It’s almost as if RVD is saying he should have been cast as Darth Maul!
Mark: Now RVD is digging into Jarrett with that cheese grater. Jarrett is donating blood without volunteering! Now he’s pouring the chocolate milk all over that cut. He’s drinking some also! That’s not what you use to clean cuts! Look at Jarrett trying to crawl under the ring to escape! What a coward! Rob has Jeff’s leg! He’s dragging him back out. Jarrett has a fire extinguisher. Smoke everywhere!
Rhino: RVD’s dominance has just been cooled off! I can barely breathe!
Mark: RVD cannot see. Jarrett is looking under the ring for something. It’s the guitar! Jeff Jarret has the guitar! He shattered it right on that shoulder RVD has been favoring all night!
Rhino: It’s another musical hit from Jarrett!
Mark: Jarrett; back in control. He’s going for more furniture! He throws a chair in the ring. He slides a table in there! What is he gonna do? He slides RVD back in the ring. Muscles him into the center. Looks like Jarrett’s gonna put The Stroke on RVD right onto the chair! No! RVD is fighting out of it! Backhand! Chop! He grabs him. Sambo suplex on the chair by RVD!
Rhino: RVD is back in command!
Mark: Jarrett has trouble. RVD is setting up the table. It’s set up! He flattens the chair and lays that on the table too!
Rhino: He’s going over to Jarrett. He flattens him with a Bearhug Spinebuster! What the?
Mark: That metal music only belongs to one man. Is Sid coming out here? No! This is big trouble because that is NOT Sid! It’s worse! It’s SABU!
Rhino: Homicidal. Genocidal. Suicidal. A friend of Sid. A friend of Rob Van Dam. Nothing but trouble for Jeff Jarrett!
Mark: Sabu darts to the ring he immediately goes to the top rope. We haven’t seen this guy in months! He’s telling Rob to lay Jeff on the table! I see Jarrett’s future and it is bleak! Van Dam is ascending! He’s up. Sabu’s up! Five Star Frog Splash! Arabian Facebuster! Jeff Jarrett is an instant pancake!
Rhino: Look like everyone got hurt on that! Sabu is rolling out. He’s leaving! I guess he did what he wanted to do! RVD is up! He grabs the chair from underneath Jeff’s shattered carcass! He’s rolling out? Why? He’s going through the crowd. He’s headed up! He’s climbing the stairway!
Mark: Not a smart move by RVD. The crowd is going to slow him down. This will give Jeff time to recover! RVD is starting to get higher up into the arena here. He is being somewhat slowed by the crowd. Jeff Jarrett is starting to move a little in the ring. We have lost site of RVD. He has made his way out. We are looking in the ring now. Jeff Jarrett is struggling to get up. He’s up! He’s going through the crowd also! This isn’t smart either!
Rhino: He’s getting through more quickly than RVD did. He’s literally running through the crowd!
Mark: He’s making his way through the crowd good. He’s out of site now. We have cameras following Jeff he’s trying to find the stairs to the arena roof. He gets in the elevator? What a lazy bum!
Rhino: Lazy? Think of what he’s been through!
Mark: I didn’t think about that. We can only assume he’s riding it to the top of the arena. That is a service elevator. That elevator goes from the very bottom of this arena to the top. It does not go to the roof. He’s gonna take that elevator as far up as it can go. We have no idea where Rob Van Dam is. Wait a minute! There he is he’s been on the top floor looking at Jarrett and what he’s doing! Now he’s waiting on the elevator and Jeff Jarrett. We’re watching. We’re waiting. Here it comes. The elevator opens! Rob sees Jeff! He tosses the chair. Vandaminator! Another Vandaminator! Van Dam holds the elevator open with one hand. What he just do? He pressed the basement button! He hops out! The elevator is on its way down! There’s no one to stop RVD from winning the match now! RVD is looking. There it is! The door that leads to victory!
Rhino: Roof Access. Two words that lead to the end of this match.
Mark: He’s climbing the steps. Rob Van Dam is so close to winning.
Rhino: Wait until he gets up there and finds no title on the roof!
Mark: He’s continuing to climb. There’s the door. He opens it. He’s out! Rob Van Dam is still the EWA Television Title champion!
Rhino: Now he’s wandering around looking for the belt. The ref is going up to tell Rob what happened. Rob looks upset! We can hear them by the camera mike. Let’s try and listen here.
Ref: I’m tellin’ ya Scott Steiner through the belt off the roof!
RVD: What? You mean it’s possible for Jeff Jarrett to go Mr. Monday Night’s belt down there? That’s complete shit and you know it!
Ref: I’m tellin’ ya he threw it off. He took the title and threw it over that ledge over there. What the hell is that?
RVD: I don’t know.
Mark: Someone is coming toward RVD and the ref. Who’s that?
Rhino: No way. Spider-Man?
Mark: Someone dressed like Spider-Man is coming towards them. He has the TV title! He hands it to Rob! Rob has his belt! He has his win! We have a guy dressed like Spider-Man posing! We have the main event of Blown Away coming up next!
Falls Count Anywhere, No Holds Barred EWA STABLE TITLE MATCH
Degeneration X Vs nWo Vs RVD’s Team
Rhino: That was a match straight out of hell. This next one promises to be that much more chaotic! Tonight, the stables here will go to war! It’s DX! It’s nWo! It’s Team RVD! It happens tonight!
Mark: The joke everywhere is that Team RVD are know as “The Weedkillers.” No comment. Well, if that is their name, they have the advantage. They are 5 members strong. DX only has 4. nWo with the disadvantage at 3.
Rhino: Team RVD have the advantage here. The so-called Weedkillers or “Da Weedkillahs” have the advantage but RVD has an injured shoulder and Justin is still wiped out from the Strap Match.
Mark: Wait a minute. We’re back on the roof here. Let’s listen in again.
Rob: Who the hell are you anyway?
“Spider-Man”: Don’t worry, it’s just me. (unmasks)
Mark: I should’ve known!
Rhino: We should’ve known!
RVD: Hey man, sorry about your lunch.
Purg: Sorry about your manager.
Purg: Well, when Scotty played Frisbee with your belt, he also kidnapped Billy Boy.
RVD: What? I gotta find him!
Purg: Let’s take the quick way down.
RVD: Say what?
Purg: Put this stuff on.
Mark: What are they putting on?
Rhino: It’s Base Jumping Gear! Are Purgatory and Rob Van Dam gonna base jump from the top of this building? That’s nuts!
Purg: You ready?
RVD: Yeah. Let’s do this.
Rhino: I can’t believe they’re gonna do this!
Mark: They’re walking to the edge of the building. There they go! They just jumped! I can’t believe it! Snap your fingers, Snap your neck? I guess Justin Credible is coming out and we are starting this stable war!
Rhino: Justin is in no hurry to come down to the ring.
Mark: Justin is still favoring those injuries from the strap match. Okay from what I understand, One man from each stable will come in and then it will be a two minute random draw until all men are entered in the match. So I guess this is a Royal Rumble type match.
Rhino: Justin is in. Who is coming next?
Mark: The nWo’s music has kicked up here. This can be anyone. It’s Buff! Buff Bagwell is coming down!
Rhino: How is he even walking?
Mark: It’s amazing that he is, Rhino. He’s coming down slowly and taking his time.
Rhino: Amazing! Buff and Justin are beating the hell out of each other like they have unfinished business! The DX rep isn’t even in yet!
Mark: Well, just hold that though. Because the Wolfpac/DX remix is playing now. Who’s coming out? It’s Scott Hall! Scott Hall is coming out and he is rushing to the ring! He’s attacking Buff like he has a deep hatred for him and he’s attacking Justin like he doesn’t even know him!
Rhino: Scott Hall is workin’ it!
Mark: Scott Hall on the attack. He throws a weak Justin out of the ring. He picks up Buff Bagwell. Chokeslam! Now look at him mock Paul Wight! Stomp to Bagwell. Look at those slaps. He’s toying with Bagwell. He has Bagwell back up. Hooks him. Fallaway Slam! Scott Hall is in control. He’s going out now. He has Credible. Throw him back in. He’s setting him up on the top. Super Back Drop! You know what’s coming next.
Rhino: Scott Hall better hurry. He’s running out of time!
Mark: Scott Hall sets him. Lifts him. There’s the Outsider’s Edge!
Rhino: Often imitated. Never duplicated. Scott Hall is now out of time.
Mark: “Straight Outta Compton” is playing. Which KKK member is it gonna be? It’s Damu! Damu is coming to get some!
Rhino: Scott Hall is about to get an unpleasant surprise.
Mark: Damu is in and he just speared Hall! Right hands firing off on Hall! He picks Hall up. Snap suplex! Picks him up again. Backbreaker! Picks him up a third time. Dominator!
Rhino: What a series of moves by Damu!
Mark: Damu whips Hall bounces off the other side of the ropes. Man! What a punch to Hall’s head! Hall is out!
Rhino: Damu calls that the Drive By. No one is sure what kind of punch that is but everyone who has felt it has had trouble forgetting it.
Mark: Well, the clock is ticking. Damu has to expect some company. It’s the nWo’s music! Here comes Jeff Jarrett!
Rhino: Jeff Jarrett is coming down he’s taking his time. Meanwhile, Damu is now working over Buff Bagwell now.
Mark: Jeff Jarrett stays out to work over Credible. Damu is puttin’ the boots to Buff. What’s Jarrett doing? He has a chair. Nails Credible! Damu has Bagwell up. What a brainbuster!
Rhino: These two are spending the next few minutes just beatin’ the crap out of other people.
Mark: We’re down to a minute here. Damu just hit another Drive By on Bagwell! Whatever Buff had left in him is now gone!
Rhino: Jeff Jarrett just put The Stroke right on Credible outside here onto a chair! Look at the dent in it!
Mark: Well the time has come and gone and “Straight Outta Compton” is playing again. It’s Treach! The other half of the KKK! Damu’s partner is coming to have his back!
Rhino: Don’t try to sound hip, Mark. You only sound stupid!
Mark: Here comes Treach. He darts to the ring and attacks Hall! Damu and Treach are both jumping Hall now. I guess they’re used to it. What’s Jeff doing?
Rhino: Jeff is getting something here.
Mark: It’s another guitar! Jeff gets in the ring. He turns Damu around. He wipes him out with that guitar shot!
Rhino: Double J doesn’t even get a chance to run after it because Treach just tackle him to the ground.
Mark: Treach is firing away with those punches. We’re down to a minute. Treach tosses Jarrett out. Treach is looking for a weapon. He gets the ring bell! He just rang that bell over Jarrett’s head.
Rhino: Well the bell went off and so did the buzzer. The Wolfpac/DX remix is playing. It’s Kevin Nash! Nash is coming down to get some. Who is he after? He’s going over to Credible. Credible is being punished here! What’s Nash up to? He hooks Credible in his legs. Big Jackknife Powerbomb!
Mark: That is payback from earlier today. Nash heads towards Bagwell. Hooks him. Another powerbomb! Nash is giving them out like Halloween candy! Nash is in the ring now. He’s going to Damu. What’s he gonna do? He slams him with that modified side slam. That got the attention of Treach. Treach slides in but is met by a Nash Ax Handle. Nash pushes Treach back into the corner. He’s going to work on Treach. He’s bashing unmercifully on him now! Nash is running out of time. He whips Treach to the ropes. Big Boot! Nash has 30 seconds left. He’s going for a powerbomb! It’s countered by a low blow!
Rhino: The buzzer goes off again. It’s “Straight Outta Compton” again! I guess it’s time for Malice!
Mark: Malice is not a wrestler by any means. He can fight his ass off, though. Here he comes and he immediately goes after Kevin Nash!
Rhino: He goes at ’em full barrel!
Mark: Malice now working over Nash. Left, Left, Left, Left, Left, Right, Left.
Rhino: Isn’t that a Trick Daddy song?
Mark: I don’t know. I’m trying to call this fast action the best I can. Damu is back up. He has Buff. There’s the Death Row Drop! Malice has Nash. Another Death Row Drop! Treach is setting Double J up now. A third DRD! Man, The KKK is dominant here!
Rhino: Well the time is out and here comes a Wolfpack/DXer. You can tell by the music. It’s Austin! Austin comes in! Damu runs into him. Stunner! Malice receives a Stunner! Treach gets a boot to the gut! Third Stunner! Austin is just giving Stone Cold Stunners to everyone!
Mark: He’s going outside the ring. Stunner on a helpless Bagwell! Stunner on Credible! Stunner on Jeff Jarrett. All of this carnage is for Steve and Steve alone. He’s got 30 seconds to put some more pain on people. He doesn’t. He’s sitting there; waiting for the next guy to come out. 3! 2! 1! The nWo theme kicks up. It’s Scott Steiner!
Rhino: Big Poppa Pump is your hook-up!
Mark: Speaking of hooks, he and Austin are trading some now! Poppa has the advantage here. He just suplexed Austin so hard, Austin bounced and slid right out of the ring!
Rhino: They’re out here now. Austin tries to whip Steiner to the railing. Steiner counters and Austin goes spilling outside! Big Poppa Pump in pursuit. He drags Austin right back in and runs him right into the steel steps!
Mark: What? Why is Big Poppa getting a mike? I think he just called us number one.
Rhino: I’m not gonna argue with someone that size.
BPP: Everybody shut the fuck up! (Crowd boos) Now, you know when your nWo, you’re nWo for life! You see, you fat ass pukes out there, everyone wishes that they too looked as good as me but you see, you can’t look as good as me so shut the hell up! (More boos) Now, RVD, if you haven’t been keepin’ up. I just took that skinny punk you call a manager hostage! (More boos and even some small Alfonso chants) I also saw your wife in the back, Rob! You see she knew once she laid eyes on Scott Steiner that he was more of a man than you ever will be! You see, she fantasized, and then she became mesmermised. I then showed her why they say there’s nothing finer…than Scott Steiner. So Rob, I hope you are next to come. If it ain’t, I really don’t give a fuck! I’ll beat the shit outta Triple H too!
Mark: That’s not a smart thing to say, Scott.
Rhino: Yeah because you spent 2 minutes running your mouth and there must be such thing as hope after all because I hear Kilgore! ….Re! ….Spect! ….Walk! ….What do ya say?
Mark: I say here comes RVD fresh off his base jump and lookin’ to whip some ass! He darts to the ring and he and Steiner go to blows! RVD has the advantage. He pushes Steiner. He’s kicking the crap out of him and that roundhouse almost knocked Steiner’s head off! RVD grabs Steiner. Lands a beautiful Falcon Arrow!
Rhino: Michinoku Driver. Hollycaust. Whatever. It took the air outta Big Poppa. RVD is still favoring his shoulder.
Mark: RVD is hurt but in control. Only 1:13 left before Triple H comes down. After that, the first stable member to score a pin over another stable person wins. So if RVD can take care of Triple H and pin Steiner, we will have new Stable champions in Team RVD.
Rhino: RVD was on fire but Scott just beheaded him with a Steinerline.
Mark: Steiner with the advantage now. He picks RVD up. Sets him on the top turnbuckle. What’s Big Poppa Pump gonna do? He’s up there also! Frankensteiner! How long has it been?
Rhino: So long I can’t remember hearing the buzzer. It had to go off because it’s past 2 minutes!
Mark: I heard it and the Wolfpac/DX theme music is playing again. It’s time for the game to start.
Rhino: Here comes Triple H!
Mark: He has a microphone? Why?
HHH: I know you think DX is outnumbered here. So it goes without saying, start the 2 minutes again! We got a new member coming out after I get in and kick both of your asses!
Rhino: A new member? Amazing! No one would have guess that!
Mark: A new member of DX to debut tonight! Who is it? HBK? X-Pac? Billy Gunn? Road Dogg?
Rhino: Who cares? Triple H has brass knucks and just darted to the ring and laid Steiner out!
Mark: Scott Steiner was just knocked out! Triple H dumps the knucks. He hooks RVD. Pedigree! Triple H just nailed the Pedigree!
Rhino: A huge fight just erupted between all the stables here. They’re fighting towards the back! Who’s left out here?
Mark: Let’s see. There’s Austin. There’s RVD. There’s Triple H. And there’s Scott Steiner who just got Pedigreed through to International announcing table! Scott is motionless! The buzzer has gone off! Who’s gonna come out?
Rhino: The DX/Wolfpac remix is playing. SAY IT AIN’T SO!
Mark: I can’t believe my eyes. It’s Sid! It’s Sid! Sid has joined DX!
Rhino: He’s got the shirt on and everything!
Mark: Sid is coming in with a table. He’s setting it up near the ring! He’s getting in!
Rhino: Look at that! Sid and Triple H hug! With Sid on their side, DX just became that much more invincible!
Mark: Look at Triple H shout instructions to Sid. Triple H slides a table in the ring and sets it up. Sid has RVD in position. Powerbomb! Triple H is celebrating like DX have won! Sid is calling for one more bomb! Sid has RVD set up again. He dropped him. Triple H has his back turned to Sid.
Rhino: Look at that look on Sid’s face! He just might not be DX.
Mark: He’s not! He just grabbed Triple H by the throat! He’s gonna chokeslam him! Oh no! Sid just chokeslammed Triple H from inside the ring to outside the ring right onto that table! Did you see how Triple H landed? He’s gotta be injured!
Rhino: Sid DX? Like Austin would say, oh hell no!
Mark: Speaking of Austin, he runs right into a Sid big boot! Sid has hooked Austin. Powerbomb! Sid picks up Austin’s limp body. Lays him on the table. What’s he doing now? He picks RVD up and sets him in the corner. He’s trying to revive him. Sid tells RVD to frog splash Austin. RVD obliges. Five Star Frog Splash! Cover! Where’s the ref? There’s one! RVD has the cover. Count it, ref! 1! 2! 3! Sid just screwed the entire DX out of a belt!
Rhino: Sid is leaving. His work is done.
Mark: And here comes the rest of Team RVD. They look like walking dead. RVD is being presented the Stable title. I guess each member of this group will wear this belt sooner or later. Wow. Look at the size of that belt! It’s the biggest championship belt I’ve ever seen but I guess that’s understandable since it is for an entire stable.
Rhino: ….Re! ….Spect! ….Walk! ….What do ya say?
Mark: I say that’s it for this pay per view. I’m Mark. This is Rhino. See you all next time!