To Hell
Mark:Welcome everyone to the eWa Pay Per View Presentation of To Hell… Im join as always by my tag team partner… Rhino… And we got some good old fashion eWa Action here tonight…
Rhino:Yes we do… We got a Slaughter House Match… Between Purgatory and Lone Jobber… Which is something I am looking forward to witnessing tonight…
Mark:We also have a Smashing Caskets Match to determine who is the eWa Television Champion… Between Edge and Nuclear Bomb…
Rhino:Thats gonna be awesome…
Mark:And we also have an Exploding Barbed Wire Cage Match… Between the eWa Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion… Psycronic… And Prodigy…
Rhino:Man tonight we are full of action…
Mark:Yes we are Rhino… Yes We are… But we are kicking it off with Blake Bennit battling Dragon… In a One on One Match up…
Blake Bennit vs Dragon
Pa Announcer:Tonights opening match up is set for one fall… Introducing first… From Atlanta, Ga… Weighing in at 234 Pounds… BLAKE “Sexy Boy” BENNIT…
(“Sexy Boy” plays as Blake Bennit makes his way to the ring…)
Pa Announcer:His opponent… From Denver, Colorado… Weighing in at 333 Pounds… DRAGON…
(“Cowboys from hell” hits as he makes his way to the ring…)
Mark:Well here we go… Blake Bennit is getting right up in to the face of Dragon…
Rhino:Showing some fire is Blake Bennit…
Mark:Blake Bennit slaps Dragon… And now fires back and misses the right hand… Dragon now with a kick to the gut and nails him with a clothesline…
Rhino:He tried taking his head off their…
Mark:Dragon now hooks him up… And drops him back down with a suplex… Cover by Dragon…1………….2…………… And Blake Bennit kicks out…
Rhino:Dragon is setting an early pace so far…
Mark:Dragon sends Blake Bennit for the ride in to the corner… And Blake comes out and gets nailed with an over the head belly to belly suplex…
Rhino:That sent him half way across the ring…
Mark:Impressive move by Dragon… Who now hooks up Blake Bennit… And nails him with a brain buster….
Rhino:That sent a shock to the system of Blake Bennit… Who looks out cold at the moment…
Mark:Dragon now hooks him up… BOILING POINT on to Blake Bennit… And down he goes…
Rhino:If he wasnt knocked out before… He is now… I thought Blake had the fire tonight… But it doesnt look like it now…
Mark:Dragon hooks him… FIREBALL… His verision of the Boston Crab is being applied right now… And Blake Bennit taps out…
Pa Announcer:Here is your winner… DRAGON…
Rhino:One Half of the eWa Tag Team Champions… Is continuing his winning ways… And is probably going to be glued to his monitor… When his tag team partner Prodigy… Goes for the gold here tonight…
Mark:Well lets go back to the ring… Wait… Hold on a second…
Rhino:Its Omega… And he has Scott Hall…
Mark:Omega just threw Scott Hall in to the concrete wall by the face… And he really did a number to him…
Rhino:Kevin Nash… The Other Wolfpac Member is there and he is in the face of Omega…
Mark:Nash reaches back and Omega catches his hand as he was going for a right hand…
Rhino:Omega is over powering Kevin Nash…
Mark:Omega grabs him by the face… And he just clawslammed him right in to the refreshment table…
Rhino:It doesnt look like Kevin Nash or Scott Hall will be able to compete in the ring tonight…
Mark:Yeah Omega did a Number to both of them… And I guess there matches will not be taking place here tonight… We will try to get an offical ruling on it… But lets move up on the card now… And lets send it back to the ring…
eWa Television Title Smashing Caskets Match
Nuclear Bomb(c) vs Edge
Pa Announcer:This next match is a SMASHING CASKETS MATCH… Introducing first… The Challenger…. From Toronto, Ontario, Canada… Weighing in at 240 Pounds… EDGE…
(“Never Gonna Stop” hits as he makes his way to the ring…)
Pa Announcer:His opponent… Weighing in at 290 pounds… The eWa Television Champion… NUCLEAR BOMB…
(“Nuclear Strikes” hits as he makes his way to the ring…)
Rhino:The Casket is out Mark… Someone has got to be put in it… And Smashed to bits…
Mark:They wont be smashed to bits… But it will be close… As the Bell Sounds… Nuclear Bomb goes right after Edge… And is nailing him with right hands… Edge now is firing back at him… And Edge now ducks the right hand… And nails Nuclear Bomb with a dropick…
Rhino:Both men want to claim that they are the eWa Television Champion of the eWa…Only one man can…
Mark:Edge now scoops up Nuclear Bomb… Nuclear Bomb slides off… And he nails him with a neckbreaker… The Close to 300 Pounder picks up Edge and rams him back first in to the top turnbuckle…
Rhino:Nuclear Bomb is tying Edge up in the Tree of Woe…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb just drills Edge with a big old knee right to the face…
Rhino:The Pretty boy aint looking so pretty right now…
Mark:The Man from Toronto Ontario… Needs to rebound right here and now… Nuclear Bomb now sets him up on the top turnbuckle… And just Snapmares him down to the canvas…
Rhino:A snapmare is a basic wrestling move… But from the top rope… It probably hurts like hell… As your back crashes down hard in to the mat…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb is now taking his time as he sets Edge on the middle rope… Nuclear Bomb bout to drop all of his weight on the back of Edge… Edge Moves… And Nuclear Bomb is now in pain… As he is straddling the middle rope…
Rhino:This is Edges chance to gain back some momentum…
Mark:Edge with right hands to Nuclear Bomb…As he sends him off in to the ropes… Spin Heel Kick by Edge… Who is a house of fire right now…
Rhino:You can say that again…
Mark:Big Clothesline by Edge… As he takes him down… Nuclear Bomb is stagering back up near the corner… Edge goes for the spear… Nuclear Bomb moved out of the way and Edge went shoulder first right in to the ring post…
Rhino:Edges momentum just got stopped…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb now sets him up… Big Time PowerBomb by Nuclear Bomb…
Rhino:Nuclear Bomb wants this match up to end right here and now…
Mark:He has told them to open up the casket for him… And they have…Nuclear Bomb is dragging Edge out of the ring now…
Rhino:What does he have instore for Mr. Edge…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb setting him up for a powerbomb… No… Edge gets out of it… Edge spins him around… And nails him with the Edgecutioner…
Rhino:Big time Finisher there…
Mark:Both men are trying their best to recover from the attacks that one another have given to each other…
Rhino:Edge and Nuclear Bomb are trading right hands…
Mark:Edge is hammering back… Nuclear Bomb is down to one knee…
Rhino:Oh My…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb just nail Edge right in the head with the sledgehammer and opened him right up…
Rhino:Man when Edge knocked him down… That spilt second he grabbed it… And now has used it…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb pushing him in to the casket more… And he has locked it…
Rhino:All he has to do is smash it…
Mark:Nuclear Bomb is smashing up the casket… And the ref has called for the bell… And now more officals have come down to stop Nuclear Bomb…
Pa Announcer:Here is your winner and STILL eWa Television Champion… NUCLEAR BOMB…
Rhino:Edge try with everything he had… And so did Nuclear Bomb… But Nuclear Bomb retained his gold…
Mark:Yeah well… We have been told that the matches Hall and Nash were in have been cancelled… As now we get set for the first of two main events…
eWa Undisputed World Title Exploding Barbed Wire Cage Match
Psycronic(c) vs Prodigy
Pa Announcer:This next match is an EXPLODING BARBED WIRE CAGE MATCH… And it is for the eWa UNDISPUTED World Heavyweight Championship… Introducing first… The Challenger… From Dallas, Texas… Weighing in at 374 Pounds… One Half of the eWa Tag Team Champions… PRODIGY…
(“Cowboys from Hell” hit as he makes his way to the ring…)
Pa Announcer:His opponent… From Evansville, Indiana… Weighing in at 254 Pounds… The eWa Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion…PSYCRONIC…
(“Psyko Boy” hits as he makes his way to the ring…)
MarK:Here we go…
Rhino:After the time is up… Who ever is the first man to leave the cage before the explosion goes off is the winner…
Mark:Prodigy and PYB about to tie it up…
Rhino:PYB has got to use his speed in this match up… If he wants to gain an advantage over Prodigy…
Mark:Prodigy goes in for collar and elbow tie up… PYB moves to the side… And nails him with a stiff kick to the back of the leg… And now PYB goes off the rope… And nails Prodigy with a bulldog take down…
Rhino:PYB just quickly went to the top rope…
Mark:PYB is going for the 10 Point Frog Splash… Prodigy is back up on his feet… And PYB flies through the air… But Prodigy catches him and nails him with a powerslam…
Rhino:PYB should have worked on him more… Instead of going with the quick move…
Mark:Prodigy now scoops him up and puts him on his shoulder and rams PYB’s head face first in to the barbed wire cage…
Rhino:Blood is starting to trickle from the head of PYB…
Mark:Prodigy has him now and snake eyes him in to the corner… Prodigy picks him up again and looks like he wants to do the same thing… PYB slides out and dropkicks him from behind and he hit the turnbuckle… PYB nails with a clothesline and down he went…
Rhino:Both men are hurt a little… PYB is trying to get up on to his feet now… Before Prodigy does…
Mark:PYB nails Prodigy with a moonsault… Trying to keep the big man down…
Rhino:He is gonna need to do more than that… To keep him down…
Mark:PYB is up on the top rope… And now Prodigy is back up on his feet… And a dropkick by PYB and that sent him back down hard…
Rhino:The Undisputed Champion is trying his best to keep him down…
Mark:PYB grabs him and he throws him head first in to the barbed wire cage… And now blood is trickling from the head of Prodigy…
Rhino:Both men have blood flowing from their heads…
Mark:PYB is setting up for the Psyko Kick… Prodigy ducks… And nails him with a belly to belly suplex and it sent him right in to the cage…
Rhino:Man thats gotta hurt…
Mark:Prodigy now drags PYB… In to the middle of the ring and drops him with a leg drop…
Rhino:From the clock on the wall… Seems like less than 2 minutes before the explosion…
Mark:Prodigy now slingshots PYB right in to the cage…
Rhino:Psycronic is a bloody mess at the moment…
Mark:Prodigy is opening up the door…
Rhino:But he isnt walking out yet…
Mark:Psycronic is down…
Rhino:Yeah its only a matter of time till the the clock winds down…
Mark:Prodigy is opening up the door… But isnt finished yet…
Rhino:What in the hell does he have in mind now…
Mark:Running powerslam coming up… No… PYB gets out of it… PSYKO KICK again and he has laid out Prodigy…
Rhino:PYB is crawling towards the door…
Mark:We are down to Five…….Four…. Three… PYB is OUt… Two… One…(Explosion) Psyko Boy makes it out before he’s caught by the pyro shooting into the ring…
Rhino:I didn’t hear you… Ears ringing from all that noise…
Mark:The explosion is causing some of that wire to come down… A part of the cage top just fell on Prodigy… He may be hurt… This match is way over…
Pa Announcer:Here is your winner and STILL eWa Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion… PSYCRONIC…
Rhino:PYB escapes with the gold tonight…
Mark:That is a shocker… I thought Prodigy had it all the way…
Rhino:Looks like he didnt…
Mark:Well in a couple of moments we are going to the Slaughter House… But first a word from our sponsers… (THIS PART OF RESULTS WRITTEN BY DPRINCEDSO)
MARK: Pure destruction. That’s all I can say about the action so far. It’s been pretty basic as far as matches go but now, business picks up. Now, things get interesting. Now, we get to the main event and the heart of extreme.
RHINO: If you think the last few matches have been a bit lacking in terms of extreme, get your fill here. Gimmick matches like this scream violence and man, I can’t wait.
MARK: I want to ask Mr. Parks here who’s been sitting down here watching the action something. What is it like in the SlaughterHouse?
ROB PARKS: I can’t tell you anything about this new “Version 820” SlaughterHouse but if it’s anything like the old Slaughterhouse, it’s purposely built for household accidents. Most injuries happen in the home. All injuries in the SlaughterHouse are one-hundred percent intentional. Make no mistake about it, when the smoke settles, both men will be feeling the effects from that house for a long time. I’m still feeling the SlaughterHouse of old and I can’t wait to see what Lone Jobber and Purgatory do.
MARK: The Total Impact Championship as well as the Vice Presidency of the eWa is on the line. We now take you to our announcers on location. Shane? Sarge? Can you hear us?
SHANE MCMAHON: Stand back! There’s a Shane O’ Mac comin’ through! Live and direct from the SlaughterHouse is the EWA’s first, best, and fair Commissioner Shane McMahon calling the on-site action along with the one and only Sgt. Slaughter….
SGT. SLAUGHTER: ATTENT….HUT! Stand at attention, maggot!
SHANE: Yes sir!
SLAUGHTER: Stick out that chest! Draw in that gut! Now that the lumberjack spot that RVD was offered and accepted has been taken, I’m now going to call the action with you. Think of me as the seventh lumberjack. As long as I’m here, no one is getting out of order as long as the Sarge is around!
SHANE: You got all the makings of things getting out of control here. You got Omega in there. He’s a known loose cannon. You got Psyko Boy who not only has beef against RVD but now has beef against Lone Jobber as well. Then, of course, my boys! Triple H! Shawn Michaels! RVD! Degeneration X! We run things the way we want!
SLAUGHTER: Al Snow is the only lumberjack in there who’s actually going to do his job and that’s be an impartial lumberjack. All the guys are in the house basically waiting for Purgatory and “The Lone Jobber” Travis Bittle to arrive.
SHANE: Omega’s watchin’ TV. They’re takin’ their sweet time getting here. Is that a tape of G.I. Joe?
SLAUGHTER: Provided by yours truly, maggot!
SHANE: You hear that? Forget that. You see that?
(A huge semi blasting “Poetry And Power” by Gravity Kills pulls up)
SHANE: It’s the Green Goblin Truck from “Maximum Overdrive!” Lone Jobber pulling into the SlaughterHouse with style!
SLAUGHTER: At least Travis Bittle’s here. Where’s Purgatory?
SHANE: I don’t know. Just like last time, the wrestlers pull in by car and enter the house. Once both men enter, the match starts. It ends when either wrestler fails to answer the 10 count.
SLAUGHTER: Here comes Purgatory now!
SHANE: How do you know?
SLAUGHTER: Take a look as the General Issue Joe vehicle!
(A dead ringer of the Government Issue Joe A. W. E. Striker pulls up with “N Pulse” by Mad Capsule Markets blasting out of it’s newly installed stereo. Purg hops out dressed in full military fatigues in camouflage face paint & all.)
SLAUGHTER: YO JOE! Now that’s what I call a soldier!
SHANE: All this G.I. JOE stuff has gotta go. I liked G.I. JOE as well but man, it has to go. Purg’s got the whole soldier thing goin’. He’s dressed to fight and for someone who claims he doesn’t know what he’s doin’ half the time, he sure knows how to intimidate.
SLAUGHTER: Never be fooled by a fool. Purgatory is a lot smarter than people give his credit for.
SHANE: Did he just scream Yo Joe? Purg rushes inside the house and the Version 820 SlaughterHouse Lumberjack Match is under way!
eWa Total Impact Championship Match SlaughterHouse Lumberjack Match
Vice Presidency of the Extreme Wrestling Alliance on the line
Purgatory (C) Vs. Lone Jobber
SHANE: Now we’re gonna have to depend heavily on the monitors here because we’re not in the house. Purg walking through looking for Jobber. Goes into the Power Room where Omega is watching TV. The Power Room looks like an ordinary den now. Until you slam someone into the wall that is. Any wall could break away revealing electrocuting wires. The so-called fun is slamming the opponent into the right wall trying to find it. Has he found Jobber? Purg just got dropped! It was Al Snow!
SLAUGHTER: Al Snow looks upset over something. Why’d he do that?
SHANE: Al using Head like a chair shot across the face. He’s yelling at Purg for something and here comes Jobber with a quick leg drop. He stands up. Elbow drop. Again. And again! One more time! Jobber with a pick up and sends him crashing into an empty fish tank with the rocks still in it! Hey, that’s Sara’s tank!
SLAUGHTER: Travis just welcomed Purgatory to extreme!
SHANE: Here comes Referee Simon Armstrong to start the count. 1….2….Lone Jobber breaks the count which a pick up. Stands Purgatory up.
SLAUGHTER: Purgatory in early trouble and Bittle chops him in the chest!
SHANE: Wwwooo!
SLAUGHTER: And another!
SHANE: Wwwooo!
SLAUGHTER: Travis Bittle’s chopping Purgatory down just like he chops down all of his opponents.
SHANE: Wwwooo! Wwwooo! Wwwooo! Wwwooo….no! Jobber’s arm is caught and Purgatory unleashes a lightning quick kick right into Jobber’s bicep! Follows up with a kick to Jobber’s side. Pulls Jobber towards him. Purg’s got ’em hooked. Russian Leg Sweep right through the big screen TV that just happened to double as a monitor as well! They both go through and electricity flies out!
SLAUGHTER: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he did that on purpose.
SHANE: He probably did. The ref starting the count. 1….2….3….4….Both men starting to move. 5….6….They’re both up. Purg grabbing Jobber by the head and he sends him crashing through the door! What room could it be?
SLAUGHTER: Only he, Travis Bittle, and Will McConnell can answer that. They’re the ones who built the 820 version of the SlaughterHouse.
SHANE: It’s the Handyman’s Room! The room that replaced the old Wood Shed! It’s huge! It looks like a Lowe’s store!
SLAUGHTER: It isn’t that big. The room is filled with tools used to normally fix something are here to take someone apart.
SHANE: Purg is relentless as he picks Jobber up and…ooohhh man! Purg’s gonna star on The Sopranos!
SLAUGHTER: The low blow is for maggots without honor. Travis Bittle isn’t a soldier.
SHANE: Jobber picks up a small tool box and WHAM! Purg’s back becomes an unwanted work bench and tools fly everywhere!
SLAUGHTER: Because of the way these men are going after each other, the referee has barely been a factor in this match.
SHANE: And that’s how it should be. Jobber with an Irish Whip on Purgatory sending him into the display shelf! Jobber coming over to the fallen Purgatory. Grabs a handful of floor tile displays and cracks ’em over Purgatory’s head!
SLAUGHTER: Pink, white, blue, green….all the colors being broken over the head of Purgatory.
SHANE: Jobber picking up Purgatory and bringing him out of the Handyman’s Room. Crashes Purg into the door. Bed Room. They’re in the Bed Room. We know it. They know it. That’s no ordinary mattress. It’s a Bed Of Nails. The first pure pop spot. I bet the live audience watching haven’t left their seats seeing just who goes into the nails. Jobber yanks out a chest drawer and smashes it over Purg’s head!
SLAUGHTER: He’s got Purgatory in a bad way. What once was a painted camouflage face is now a face a blood. A crimson mask as it’s often called.
SHANE: Jobber going for a suplex. He’s trying to suplex Purg onto the Bed Of Nails. Purg blocks. Another Block. Reverse. No! Face first suplex right into the Bed Of Nails! Lone Jobber screams in pain and I don’t blame him! I know how that feels!
SLAUGHTER: I think that was the first actual wrestling move in the match.
SHANE: Jobber rolled off to somewhere. Purg holding his arm. He came down on that Bed Of Nails as well. He’s picking Jobber up by the head. The most used move in this match. What the hell? What the hell just happened?
SLAUGHTER: Jobber flashed something in Purgatory’s face and Purgatory let out the most stand on hair scream I’ve ever heard. Soldiers don’t scream.
SHANE: Purg screamed as hard as I’ve heard anyone ever scream. He even ran out the room. Jobber didn’t even do anything. The ref picking up the object Jobber flashed to Purg. Now he’s freaking out!
SLAUGHTER: I can’t tell what it is. It looked like a piece of paper or a photo or something.
SHANE: Somebody get a hold of that….whatever that is. Jobber still holding his chest and sitting down. The lumberjacks now going to take a look. They act like they just like they saw something disgusting. Omega’s got the picture. What he say?
SLAUGHTER: He said you might want to get a barf bag.
(Omega holds up the object Jobber showed Purgatory)
SHANE (screaming): AAAAAHHHH!
SLAUGHTER: What the?
SHANE: Put it down! Put it down! That’s going too far! We are the EWA but damn it, that’s over the top extreme! Lone Jobber using the mother of all extreme weaponry showing a picture of Derek Bittle of all things! Holy mother of all that is good please don’t show that suck ass picture! We got super-tough cameras in the EWA. I’m surprised our feed isn’t cut. I’m sure glad I’m not back with Mark and Rhino. All those people running for it trying to escape the annoyance that is Derek Bittle.
SLAUGHTER: What did he ever do to you?
SHANE: I hate Derek Bittle’s annoying ass. Me and a good chunk of the EWA. If he would shut up and just do what he does, I would be happy. Jobber up looking for Purgatory now. I can hear the sound of running water. It’s Purg hunched over the sink. What’s he muttering? The horror? Yeah. I feel you, Purg. Jobber sneaking up on Purg. Purg hits a side kick right in Jobber’s gut! Must’ve seen him in the mirror. Jobber drops to a knee and Purg….opens the tub curtain? Now he places a bar of soap on the tub bottom. What’s he up to? Purg with the infamous head pick up. He’s got ’em up. Back drop? SAY GOODNIGHT!
SLAUGHTER: Talk about innovation!
SHANE: Let me see if I can explain this. Purg looked like he was going for a back drop but went for an atomic drop. He purposely dropped Jobber on his feet and let him slip on the soap and hit his own head on the tub. Man, only in the EWA.
SLAUGHTER: That’s one for the record books right there.
SHANE: Jobber is out. He’s out and helpless. Purgatory carrying Jobber in an Argentinean BackBreaker of sorts and walking with him. Jobber has no clue what’s going on. Purg opens the door. Aw man. It’s the Dining Room. I don’t like the Dining Room.
SLAUGHTER: From what I’ve heard, it’s where Rob Parks….
SHANE: We don’t need to hear that right now. Jobber is slumped in the corner as Purgatory is running to somewhere. Let’s follow the camera. Why is the ref following Purg?
SLAUGHTER: He’s ordering Purgatory to get back into the Dining Room so that he can count.
SHANE: Purg sure knows his way around the house. He opens a door to….a garage? New rooms are always a pleasant surprise.
SLAUGHTER: Who parked the A. W. E. Striker in there?
SHANE: Purgatory’s looking for something. The Lumberjacks looking on not having to be a factor so far.
SLAUGHTER: William McConnell has been talking trash to RVD from the very beginning of this match.
SHANE: Gasoline. Purgatory has gasoline.
SLAUGHTER: I don’t think it’s to refuel the A. W. E. Striker.
SHANE: Purg is heading back into the house with gasoline and Jobber’s back up. Purg doesn’t know. He turns into the room. Looks like Jobber is in for a gas bath! What a coward! Why did Jobber put that girl in front of him?
SLAUGHTER: I believe that is Blackthorne99’s sister.
SHANE: Oh man! She just kicked him right in the balls! There’s a unique way to get extreme!
SLAUGHTER: Once again, Purgatory is kicked low. When will it end?
SHANE: And now Jobber dousing Purgatory in gas. We got two athletes smelling like an Exxon in there. Jobber now dumping the gas on the table. You know what this means, don’t you?
SLAUGHTER: The Dining Room Table is about to be set aflame.
SHANE: Oh hell yes. Omega sees what’s going on and snatches RVD’s ummm….glaucoma cure out of his mouth and tosses it on the table. Man! That thing lit on fire real quick! That big ass table is burning and now, Jobber’s got Purg hooked! Calls for the powerbomb a la Sid. POWERBOMB INTO THE FLAMING TABLE!
SLAUGHTER: Purgatory sent in the heart of napalm.
SHANE: Jobber just powerbombed Purg right through that table! Purg writhing in pain! STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP, ROLL!
SLAUGHTER: Purgatory using a well-known method of putting flame contact to skin out.
SHANE: Now the ref is there. He counts. 1….2….3….4….5….6….Purg’s up? How in the hell is he up from that?
SLAUGHTER: It’s a little something called heart. It’s his fighting spirit. He’s gonna keep going until the bitter end.
SHANE: Jobber with a kick to the gut. He’s going for another powerbomb. Reverse by Purg! He’s got him up! Turns around. Looks like a version of the Alabama Slam! Purg snaps it and now Jobber goes into the flames! STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP, ROLL!
SLAUGHTER: Purgatory hit a flaming table. Jobber his flaming table remains. More of the floor. Now, the sprinklers go off.
SHANE: Purgatory in the room with Jobber. The strong spray from the sprinklers putting the fire out. Now why couldn’t they turn on earlier when it was roasted Purg time?
SLAUGHTER: Could be a time-delay they built into the system.
SHANE: Jobber’s in a heap recovering from the fire that he was in earlier. Purgatory leaves the room again. Where’s he going? Purgatory has now entered the Butcher’s Kitchen. Purg opens the fridge.
SLAUGHTER: He’s spreading butter on his body.
SHANE: An old home remedy of treating burns. Purg coming back to the Dining Room. No, he turns the corner. Opens a door. AAAAHHH! SKELETONS! Oh. Whew. I was about to take off but now, I realize that those skeletons aren’t undead like Night Of The Living Dead. Purgatory just opened a door and was buried in skeleton bones.
SLAUGHTER: Must be the Walkthrough Closet.
SHANE: I get it now. Skeletons in the closet. While we try to get past that poor visual joke, the camera is showing no movement in the Dining Room but then again, it’s hard to see through that smoke in there. Purgatory grabs a leg bone and is one his way back to cause some more damage. Purgatory grabs a leg bone? What else I’m going to say?
SLAUGHTER: A lot more. This is more than clear of the match not being your average one like so many I’ve done.
SHANE: Purg is in the Dining Room and….where’s Jobber?
SLAUGHTER: I didn’t see where he went either.
SHANE: The other lumberjacks following into the room. Where’s Psyko Boy? Here he comes. What he say? Whatever he said has Purgatory and all the other lumberjacks heading outside. Outside? I don’t get it. Purg’s not supposed to be out here. Neither is Jobber. I don’t see Jobber.
SLAUGHTER: Is it possible that he went inside the Greenhouse over there?
SHANE: No. What’s Psycronic pointing at? GIMMICK! Jobber just hit THE GIMMICK out of nowhere and by that, I mean that I have no idea where he came from or how he got the height to hit it!
SLAUGHTER: I didn’t see him on my monitor.
SHANE: What? Okay. One of the cameramen here has given me a tape. Let’s run this replay and see what happened. While Purg was going to the Butcher’s Kitchen, Jobber leaves the Dining Room. I missed that part. Jobber goes into the attic and….grabs a trampoline? Why? He’s carrying it somewhere now. Purg is still in the Butcher’s Kitchen. Jobber is at the Barbed Wire Patio. Opens the bay doors and places the trampoline in the middle of the patio. Now, he’s heading somewhere. He’s going back in the attic and Purgatory is heading out the Butcher’s Kitchen. Jobber climbs a ladder leading to….a hole in the roof? Goes through. Purg is now at the Walkthrough Closet. The camera cuts back to Jobber standing just above the trampoline and the Barbed Wire Patio. There’s Purg and the lumberjacks. Jobber waits. Jobber jumps off the roof onto the trampoline sending him flying off the Barbed Wire Patio and just when Purg turns, he’s hit by THE GIMMICK! Damn!
SLAUGHTER: The lumberjacks wasting no time in placing both Travis Bittle and Purgatory back into the house. Hunter, Shawn and RVD dragging Travis Bittle back to the house while Omega, Snow, and William McConnell carrying the unconscious Purgatory. They’re back inside and all the referee has to do is make the count.
SHANE: Purg is arguably the toughest athlete in the EWA but I don’t see how he can get up from that awe-inspiring innovative Gimmick. Jobber going off somewhere.
SLAUGHTER: What could possibly be more important than this?
SHANE: He knows what I know. He’s won this. He’s the new Total Impact Champion and new Vice President of the EWA; A position Purgatory technically didn’t lose until now. Looks like Jobber’s going into the Butcher’s Kitchen to butter himself up too.
SLAUGHTER: Travis Bittle is burned, but not as bad as Purgatory was. Because of the sprinklers, Travis Bittle’s burns are more of a nuisance.
SHANE: The ref starts the count. 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….Purg’s up!
SLAUGHTER: Semper Fi! Never say die! Purgatory has got the heart of a soldier and he’s showing everyone why he’s the standard in the EWA!
SHANE: Jobber is putting butter on his burn wounds. He has no idea that Purg is up and ready to continue this. What’s he doing? Purg’s whispering to RVD and Omega. Is he getting them to jump Jobber? I knew Purg was a damn coward!
SLAUGHTER: You and I both know that something is going on. I doubt that it involves triple teaming Travis Bittle.
SHANE: Omega’s lookin’ at Purg like he just said something normal. What’s this? RVD is down on all fours and now Omega is on his right next to him. Guys going into the bed room and getting down on all fours. Things like this make me never want to watch this match again. Yeah, Omega. You should feel like an idiot. Purg perched for something. To bad! So sad! Bye-bye! Now I see what Purg was up to. He gets Omega and RVD to create a human staircase. Steps on one, steps on to and WHAM! Hits a Frankensteiner as soon as Jobber’s tiny head pops out of the Butcher’s Kitchen. We got patio diving, bath tub slipping, and human staircases. What’s gonna happen next? Purgatory crawling over to Jobber who’s flat on his back staring at the SlaughterHouse ceiling. Two guys covered in their blood and butter. They’re beaten, they’re tired and they smell like burnt flesh that’s soaking wet.
SLAUGHTER: The fire closed most of their wounds and dried up some of the blood but they’re bleeding again.
SHANE: Now Purg is bringing him back where it all started. They’re back in the Power Room. Purg chopping away. Wwwooo! They’re a bit close to those statues.
SLAUGHTER: Devil Dogs, Shane. Marble Devil Dogs sculpted in the belief of them able to ward off evil spirits.
SHANE: Jobber ducks. Goes for a backdrop. Reverse! HAPPY PLACE! Purgatory just used a modified Happy Place Reverse DDT right into that marble Devil Dog and did you hear the “THUNK” sound Lone Jobber’s head made with that statue?
SLAUGHTER: Travis Bittle might be out again.
SHANE: Both men have given us something to “ohh” and “ahh” about but with that one move, it might be all she wrote. Ref with the count. 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….Purg’s up….9….10! Lone Jobber’s out! Purg has outlasted Jobber in the SlaughterHouse! What a hell of a match as Purgatory becomes the new Vice President of the EWA as well as retains the Total Impact Championship and he and Lone Jobber show EVERYONE the meaning of work ethnic by going out there and busting their ass instead of sitting on it! I gotta take orders from that psycho? Wait a minute. Psycronic just gave RVD a cheap shot. Now they’re coming to blows! Triple H and Shawn Michaels helping out DX like we do. It’s a three on one advantage. Hunter’s got an arm. Shawn has the other. RVD hits the VanDaminator! They let go and Psyko Boy drops down in a miserable slump! That’s what you get, punk! That’s what you get! Yeah! Al Snow going to check up on Psyko! WHAM! What happened to your lights, Al? I tell you what happened. They got put out by Sweet Chin Music and “The HeartBreak Kid” Shawn Michaels!
SLAUGHTER: Just like DX to attack and get their cheap shots in somehow. Notice how they’re not even looking at Omega. Not even thinking about it and that’s a good strategy for staying in good health.
SHANE MCMAHON: RVD telling PYB just who he is as DX leaves the SlaughterHouse with Triple H and Shawn Michaels raising the arms of RVD. We go from violence to….fun in the sun? BEACH BRAWL 2002 is coming and all I can say if it’s anything like this one match, fans won’t want to miss it!
SLAUGHTER: You will see BEACH BRAWL 2002 and that….IS AN ORDER!
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