OMEGA: What up, fuckers? Live and direct from mothafuckin’ Tampa, it’s EWA’s first annual Summertime Barbecue. I’m the baddest mothafuckah on the planet and if you see this, you see the best thing goin’ in the EWA today up on the screen live on Hardcore Theater. Yo Sid, yo family have a cook out?
SID: They did and it was something to behold.
AL SNOW: You have all the luck, Omega! You get to call the Bare Beach Beat-Down but I guess it isn’t all that bad tonight from inside Raymond James Stadium.
OMEGA: Just be glad I hired yo punk ass back on commentary, fucker. Do your God damn job and call the action. I’m gonna see if I can get a titty fuck from one of these bitches here.
SID: We cut from that….
AL SNOW: ….And that’s a good thing.
SID: We cut from that to take you to Kitana Baker who’s standing in the ring.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Your referee for this match is debuting on the month as a referee. Ladies and gentleman….APRIL HUNTER!
AL SNOW: April Hunter getting some work here on the Monthly Card. The Weekly guys sure talk a lot of crap but you know what? We got the best looking announcer and referees hands down.
(“KroniK” by WCW Productions plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Now coming to the ring, from Kona, Hawaii….BRIAN ADAMS!
SID: One half of Kronik, the real life bodyguard of Randy Savage makes his way down to the ring ready to take on Dragon tonight at EWA’s First Annual Barbecue.
AL SNOW: We’ve got a bunch of the EWA guys just outside here taking part in a huge tailgate party hosted by Purgatory who has a match later on tonight. Brian Adams, who hasn’t been making a lot of noise since his split with Savage now in the ring awaiting his opponent who Kitana Baker will introduce soon.
(“Are You Ready For This?” by EWA Productions plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
SID: Dragon came out all right but he was more or less tossed out. Who is that?
AL SNOW: Could we get a camera up there? Dragon is being beaten something bad on the stage by somebody. Is that Shaka Riggs? I think so. Shaka Riggs was a promising EWA athlete but never made it past a few matches. Shaka Riggs beating the holy hell out of Dragon with that baseball bat.
SID: Brian Adams not one to stand still and do nothing. He’s got a steel chair and he’s coming to let Riggs know how much he doesn’t appreciate him disrupting his debut. Riggs doesn’t seem worried at all. He’s just standing there looking at his watch.
AL SNOW: He’s got to have a plan. How else would you explain someone as large as Adams coming toward him with a chair and Riggs just standing there waiting.
SID: Look at the image on Hardcore Theater. Brian Clark, the other half of Kronik, is laid out in the back. Most likely, the handy work of the returning Shaka Riggs and OH! Shaka with a direct hit to Adams!
AL SNOW: Riggs flipped that bat at Adams like a Frisbee and it bounced off his leg! Riggs knocking Adams down with a running elbow shot! Riggs grabs the chair and OH MAN! He’s going ballistic with those chair shots to the legs of Brian Adams!
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, April Hunter has made a decision that both Dragon and Brian Adams are unable to compete tonight therefore this match is ruled a NO CONTEST!
SID: I disagree with that call. An EWA athlete is on average a lot tougher than your regular athlete. I believe that they could continue if needed to despite the beating they both took from Shaka Riggs.
AL SNOW: Riggs throwing the chair down in disgust as he walks away from the carnage he’s caused.
SID: The medical personal help Dragon and Brain Adams out and as we wait for them, we prepare for another return in the form of Purgatory.
AL SNOW: A man who has more than paid his dues here could pay the ultimate price when he faces The Undertaker tonight.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Your referee for this match will be BECKY BAYLESS!
(The bell begins to toll as the lights go off and the smoke pours from the entry way. “Undertaker” by WWE Productions plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….from Death Valley….being accompanied by Paul Bearer….THE UNDERTAKER!
SID: When I left a certain wrestling company, they combed the world over to find a replacement for me. Who would become the new Skyscraper? Who would they pick to tag along with Dan Spivey? Enter Mark Calloway; the man who would become The Undertaker. As I see him make his way to the ring and climb up the stairs, I can’t help but be a little upset.
AL SNOW: Hey, I can’t see our new referee! The lights are back up I guess. Why are you upset, Sid? We’ve got naked ladies coming up soon, a guarantee that someone will be burned and an overall solid card. What’s to be upset about?
SID: This man has made it known that he’s worked his ass off and earned everything that’s ever come his way. All the sudden, he can’t do it anymore? What gives?
(“Let’s Get This Party Started” by KoRn plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….from Parts Unknown….PURGATORY!
(“Let’s Get This Party Started” stops suddenly)
AL SNOW: What happened?
SID: We may be experiencing technical problems here.
(“Panthro’s Theme” by Rankin/Bass Productions plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
AL SNOW: Don’t tell me!
SID: Apparently, Purgatory will come out in character here.
KITANA BAKER: Excuse me. Introducing his opponent….from New Thundera….PURGTHRO!
AL SNOW: Purgatory may be coming out in character but make no mistake about it; The Undertaker IS facing Purgatory so no complaints about who you lost to here.
SID: Purgatory’s unusualness is no surprise to us here.
AL SNOW: THUNDERTANK! THUNDERTANK! THUNDERTANK! OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!
SID: Looks like a go-cart to me.
AL SNOW: But it’s in the shape of the ThunderTank! My inner fan-boy is loose! Come back here!
SID: Purgatory, getting out of that “ThunderTank,” slides into the ring and The Undertaker gets on the attack as Becky Bayless calls for the bell! Undertaker hammering away at Purgatory. Undertaker with an Irish Whip. Purgatory ducks and comes of fast. Undertaker with a….NO! Purg catches the foot! Hooks him! Big time suplex!
AL SNOW: Known as a Capture Suplex to most, Purg snapped Taker over and wastes no time as he immediately locks in a Buffalo Sleeper Hold on The Undertaker!
SID: Purgatory catching Undertaker off guard. No one really knows how strong this guy is. He wearing that ThunderCat body suit but Purgatory is probably one of the most powerful guys on the EWA roster. He just fools everyone all the time. Undertaker powers out! Purgatory trying to lock something on Undertaker. Undertaker with a short thrust to the neck of Purgatory and he follows with a big boot that sends Purgatory’s head into the seats!
AL SNOW: Undertaker going for a pin. 1. Purgatory kicks out! What…what’s he doing?
SID: That’s no usual kick out. Purgatory going into some wrestling here. Actually wrestling out of the pin attempt here Undertaker trying to counter but Purgatory is using his speed. He’s got a hold of the Undertaker. Purgatory’s got him locked. What the hell kind of pretzel move is that?
AL SNOW: You’ve got some great prepared material tonight, Sid! Purgatory’s got Undertaker in what looks to be a Dragon Sleeper of sorts. I’ve never seen it locked in quite like that. Oh man! Purgatory bridging back! Undertaker taps! Becky Bayless calls for the bell! Unbelievable!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by way of submission….PURGTHRO!
SID: Purgatory using a modified Dragon Sleeper to get the win here.
AL SNOW: That’s not what was impressive here. What was impressive? Purgatory getting The Undertaker to tap almost immediately after he bridged over! How many have ever done that?
SID: Purgatory getting in the “ThunderTank” and leaving as The Undertaker is tended to by Paul Bearer. We are now in the process of activating different Hardcore Theaters set up all around Raymond James because as of now, we join EWA’s President on location at Apollo Beach.
OMEGA: I’m sure you had wrestlin’ and shit but god damn it, I’m surrounded by tits and I’m all up thick in the bush as the shaven and unshaven crowd around me. Nobody wanted to take on the real 24-inch python ’cause they were all afraid of getting poked in the eye. I’ve got security on lock down here and armed ’em with tasers with orders to fry any man nuts that may pop out here. Yeah, the punks wouldn’t allow bullets. You can pan the camera at the EWA wrestlers if ya want ya sick camera bastard. They’re clothed anyway, fudge packer. You got all the guys droppin’ ribs and chicken and burgers ’cause of all the female ass I got over here. I’m losin’ focus here so let’s get to the naked referee and announcer on standby. Naked announcer Tera Patrick; take it away.
TERA PATRICK: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is the BARE BEACH BEAT-DOWN! The goal is to win the following match either by pin, submission or knock out and the winner will go on to face the EWA Champion in July. Your referee for this match will be TYLENE BUCK!
(“Voodoo Chile” by Jimi Hendrix plays out the sound stage set up on Apollo Beach)
TERA PATRICK: Introducing first….making his EWA debut….from Venice Beach, California….HULK HOGAN!
OMEGA: At least his intro music is still cool. When I was a kid, I got that warm and fuzzy feelin’ of bein’ able to do anythin’. Now when I see him, I think of puttin’ him in a retirement home and movin’ on to fuck Brooke….again.
(“Basic Thugonomics” by John Cena plays out the sound stage set up on Apollo Beach)
TERA PATRICK: And introducing his opponent….from West Newberry, Massachusetts….JOHN CENA!
OMEGA: Here comes Mr. I Wanna Be Another White Rapper. Believe me, there’s nothin’ wrong with a white rapper. As long as you got some skills, don’t say the “N” word and keep it real, you good to go. Fuckin’ Cena comes from fuckin’ West Newberry. Oh yeah….those some dangerous streets, man. Give me a fuckin’ break. Ain’t no bell so let the beat down commence. Has-Been and Cenarita doin’ what needs to be done. It’s a beach and they are tryin’ to beat each other down. The younger Cenarita’s startin’ to get ups on Has-Been. Has-Been with a short clothesline that sends Cenarita flat on his ass. Cenarita’s got that whole “I’ve fallin’ and I can’t get up” look on his face and Has-Been’s cuffin’ the ear and lookin’ at all the mountains majesty. DAMN! Cenarita low blows Has-Been and Has-Been drops like a sack of shit. Cenarita back up. No ropes to bounce off. Don’t let him get away with….fuck. There’s the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cenarita’s feelin’ in control and my back is gettin’ all scratched up on hard nipple rubs. Back, ladies, back! Cenarita lookin’ for the finish. Has-Been up on a knee. Cenarita with a punch. Uh-oh. We know that look. Cenarita with another punch. Has-Been is standin’ A third punch by Cenarita. Has Been shakin’. Just kick him in the nuts, damn it! Another punch. YOU! Punch! Block! Has-Been on the attack! The eighties have come back and Has-Been is firing away! Somebody get me a new Coke! Has-Been with another punch! Cenarita’s got rubber knees! Has-Been scoops him up! BODY SLAM RIGHT INTO THE WATER! DROWN HIS PUNK ASS, HOGAN! What the hell are you doin’? Enough with the ear cuffs already! Finish him off, damn it! Look, Cenarita’s beginnin’ to get up. Focus, God damn it! Has-Been’s dumb ass gets a face full of sand and again, Cenarita rocks the bells with a kick to the balls. Cenarita lookin’ around. Where ya goin’, punk? This ain’t no time to be all fascinated by a fuckin’ sand castle! Cenarita destroys somebody’s hard work. The lock and chain. Cenarita’s lock and chain was inside of that sand castle. He’s rapped it around his hand. Has-Been is still a bit blinded by eatin’ some sand earlier. Cenarita now with a cooler. Puts it in position. Might be lookin’ to plant Has-Been on that mothafuckah. Cenarita with a shot to the gut. He’s got him up in the valley. FUCK YOU! Cenarita with the FUCK YOU REMIX on the damn cooler! Has-Been’s wasted! Cenarita with the cover! Buck’s in position! 1! 2! 3! Cenarita wins it!
TERA PATRICK: Here is your winner of the Bare Beach Beat-Down by way of pin fall….JOHN CENA!
OMEGA: And now his punk ass goes on to face either Verti-blow or The Retro Pussy in July. Naked PlayBoy bunnies now rubbin’ up on Cenarita as he celebrates. Naked PlayBoy bunnies still rubbin’ up on me. I’m about to fuck this entire beach of females here. No need to stick around here anymore. Somebody take it because we out from Apollo Beach.
AL SNOW: That had to be the best fan love anyone could get.
SID: The most attractive fan base I’ve ever seen. During the match, we set for the main event so let us go to Kitana Baker.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is the main event of the evening! This match is the Grilled Grappler Match! The rules are as follows: Wrestlers must make any body part of their opponent bleed heavily and burn the bloody body part onto any of the grills placed outside of the arena. Your referee for this match will be Teri “Fyre” Byrne! Without further or due, let’s announce the competitors!
(“Play That Funky Music” by White Cherry plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….the challenger….from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: Retro looking to recapture the EWA Championship as we look at Hardcore Theater one more time. Instead of playing Retro Playa’s entrance video, there’s a live feed of all kinds of gas and charcoal grills outside all ready to be lit.
SID: For those who don’t understand, you basically beat your opponent right out of the arena and slam his bloody body part into a lit grill.
AL SNOW: It’s hard to tell just how focused Retro looks because of the mask. He’s got to be. He has no choice.
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Raymond James Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And now coming to the ring….from Atlanta, Georgia….he is the EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
SID: The last time this man and Retro Playa faced one another, it was in a Fatal 4 Way Match for the EWA Championship. This is his chance to prove that he could’ve beaten Vertigo alone without the help of Jay Mack.
AL SNOW: Retro Playa with a suicide dive to Vertigo as Teri Byrne calls for the bell! It’s only a few seconds into the match but both men already hurt. Vertigo looked to take the brunt of the dive as both men get up and hammer away at each other!
SID: Already, they are moving like they are injured as Retro Playa kicks Vertigo to the gut and sends him into the steel steps! Retro now coming to the legs of Vertigo. A Boston Crab maybe? Retro dragging Vertigo by his legs to the stage entry way. Big mistake, Retro.
AL SNOW: I absolutely agree. Retro using too much energy too soon.
SID: Vertigo fighting Retro and now Retro actually attempting a Boston Crab. Trying to turn Vertigo. Vertigo kicks him off. Nip up. Vertigo runs and catches Retro with a huge boot to the mask!
AL SNOW: Vertigo hitting what looked like a Yakuza Kick on the mask of The Retro Playa. Vertigo wisely using forearm side shots to the side of Retro’s head. That mask only protects his face and now, both men disappear into the back. Hardcore Theater time! This even has felt like it was back in the day where people would pay to go to the arena to watch television.
SID: Our cameras are following Retro and Vertigo in the back as they continue to battle. No one is bleeding yet but this is the EWA and that can change quickly here. Vertigo, continuing to dish out the punishment here.
AL SNOW: Look, a bunch of tube lights just lying against the wall. I wonder who put those there?
SID: Retro goes crashing into the tube lights!
AL SNOW: And the tube lights actually wasn’t what hurt him. It was the good ol’ wall.
SID: Vertigo looking around for something now. He’s got a 2 by 4. Vertigo in position. A huge swing and Vertigo breaks the 2 by 4 across the mask of Retro Playa!
AL SNOW: Vertigo taking full advantage of the depth perception mask wrestlers lack. We may see Retro Playa’s face for the first time here if that 2 by 4 splintered up into the eye openings of the mask. If that happened, he either takes the mask off or goes blind.
SID: Retro crawling and getting up to stumble away from Vertigo. Vertigo with some clubbing blows to Retro’s back. Retro gets some space and hits a sliding sweep to take Vertigo down!
AL SNOW: Vertigo landed with a good thud on his hip. Ever since the Strange Days pay per view, Retro Playa has been incorporating a lot of the character’s moves he played into his arsenal. The sliding sweep is one.
SID: Retro laying in a few well placed kicks. A quick leg drop to the head of Vertigo bouncing his head off the concrete floor.
AL SNOW: Now it’s Retro looking around for something. Gee, I wonder why he’s setting up a table for.
SID: Retro moving the table in position. He’s stalking Vertigo now. Vertigo getting up. He has no idea what’s going on. Retro with a quick grapple and Retro snaps Vertigo into the table with a back drop!
AL SNOW: Another move he picked up while playing the character of the Spanish Bullfighter; Vega. Vertigo got some wood and I guess this makes them even now. Where’s he going?
SID: Retro Playa walking away after driving Vertigo through the table. He’s obviously walking somewhere. Vertigo still down and buried in table parts now. Retro Playa going into his locker room? He’s obviously got something in there he plans on using in this match for the EWA Championship of the world. Is that the claw from Strange Days?
AL SNOW: The very same Bull Killing Claw from Street Fighter 2 and a claw The Retro Playa has been using lately is in play now as Retro leaves the room tying the claw in his right hand.
SID: Vertigo is once again in the dark of what’s happening as he begins to make his way up. Retro dashes! Vertigo dodges but gets his shirt ripped open by the claw! Look at that gash across his chest!
AL SNOW: And now all Retro has to do is drop Vertigo chest-first across a grill because that gash is bleeding badly.
SID: Vertigo dodging those mad swipes Retro’s making. Vertigo takes off on a sprint and Retro gives chase! The camera’s trying to keep up. There are the exits! This match could be over quickly! Vertigo pushes his way out and here comes Retro! Retro runs right into one of the grills! Vertigo had just enough time to push one right just beyond the door as Retro made his way out!
AL SNOW: RETRO’S ON FIRE! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
SID: Retro doing exactly that as he is on fire but not bleeding. Don’t do it, Vertigo!
AL SNOW: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! VERTIGO JUST SWUNG THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER LIKE A BASEBALL BAT TO THE FACE OF RETRO PLAYA!
SID: Retro is completely limp after that! I can’t help but agree with the “holy shit” chants the crowd here is giving. Vertigo’s untying the claw now. He’s planning on using it to draw blood. Retro is already bleeding. You can see it coming from underneath the mask which is now cracked. Vertigo now has the claw. Huge slice right across Retro’s back! Retro is now bleeding buckets from his back much like Vertigo on his chest.
AL SNOW: Retro must be completely out because he didn’t even move from that cut.
SID: Vertigo opening up the wound further by dragging Retro by his legs to a nearby grill. Vertigo feeling that this match is near an end. Retro is basically dead weight here. Vertigo muscling him up. He’s got him up on his shoulders. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER INTO THE GRILL! Teri Byrne, who apparently has been outside all this time is now calling for the fire extinguisher to be used here.
AL SNOW: If the wound is burned, this match is over.
SID: They’re clearing away the extinguishment. The wound is being checked by medical personnel out there. They confirm that the wound is burned and this match is over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by Grilled Grappler rules and STILL THE EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Vertigo retains his title in this unique match but was that a message sent to John Cena?
SID: I can say that it was one for sure. Cena got the message and since this event is over, it’s time for me to go outside Raymond James here and join in the celebration Vertigo is having. I hope the wrestlers haven’t eaten all the barbecue out there.
AL SNOW: Wrestlers? What about the fans? Alcoholics love barbecue!
SID: This is Sid Justice along with Al Snow saying so long and we’ll see you in July.