OMEGA: What’s up fuckers? Yeah, stop sweatin’ me. I’ve decided to pay you and everyone else a visit as Christmas comes six months early because I let dumb ass Purgatory book. Welcome to Christmas In July. You wasn’t in my house before, but now that you are, take yo fuckin’ shoes off. ‘Tis the season to find my foot in your ass as we come live and direct from INVESCO Field at Mile High right in Bronco, Rockie and Nugget country. I’m your God, Omega and the fucker right there is Sid Vicious or Justice or whatever he tells you it is. You won’t understand a damn word he says.
SID: I am the man….I am the master….and I am the ruler….of the world….
OMEGA: Whatever. I got pussies to eat whether they’re under mistletoe or not so let fine ass Kitana get this shit underway.
SID: I’m not a psycho….I am the ruler.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest….excuse me? I apologize for the interruption. We’ve got a situation in the back, Daddy-O.
OMEGA: Put that shit up on Hardcore Theater.
SID: Was she addressing you?
OMEGA: Damn straight.
(HARDCORE THEATER FLASHES ON AND IMAGES OF BRIAN CLARK AND HULK HOGAN ARE BEING SHOWN)
SID: We’ve got visitors.
OMEGA: Nashole and What Hall, also known as The Outsiders inside their own asses are here and beatin’ the shit outta Has-Been Hogan and Brian Fuck in the back. It’s all old ass Has-Been’s fault. When you burn mothafuckahs, you make sure that bitch ass is dead. He left opportunity out there and now he’s catchin’ chair in his fuckin’ sides. Nashole doin’ the damage and What Hall playin’ look-out. You know his Razor Jabrone ass can’t see shit but another shot of alcohol.
SID: A calculated and well-executed plan.
OMEGA: I guess What Hall sees the pigs and now him and Nashole run like all hell. I didn’t order no bacon to go back there. I guess Denver’s gotta uphold the law. I got something they can try to uphold before they get crushed by its massive weight. Mrs. Baker, make the call.
KITANA BAKER: Due to extenuating circumstances, this match is ruled a NO CONTEST!
SID: Security and Brian Adams arriving and all are assessing the damage.
OMEGA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two former New World Order guys get their asses handed to ’em by two of its founding baby daddies. Let’s get up to the next match already.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Your referee for this match will be BECKY BAYLESS!
SID: I see the new help you hired will stay.
OMEGA: Shut the fuck up and let Kitana talk.
(“Rapper’s Delight” by The Sugar Hill Gang plays throughout INVESCO Field at Mile High)
KITANA BAKER: Now making his way to the ring….from Harlem, New York….SHAKA RIGGS!
SID: Another athlete, another return.
OMEGA: Did I ever tell you about this mothafuckah? Talkin’ about we should be “friends” and shit. He didn’t say that but it was somethin’ to that effect. My something to the effect is my middle fingers followed by a FUCK YOU! I’m nobody’s friend, God damn it. If you find yourself on the ride, you hang the fuck on for dear life. I ain’t no buddy to some chump who can’t find time to represent.
SID: Shaka Riggs never really got into gear on the Weekly Card. Maybe, things will be different on the Monthly. He, at least, looks ready.
OMEGA: I fuckin’ doubt it.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry pays throughout INVESCO Field at Mile High)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent….from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
SID: The Retro Playa coming down and I see he still has not left behind the role he played at Strange Days.
OMEGA: Maybe he just likes slicin’ mothafuckahs left and right. Retro Pussy comin’ down and Fucka Riggs lookin’ for somethin’. Probably an equalizer. Steel Chair. Always reliable, but next time look for somethin’ a little more familiar like a Screwdriver.
SID: You want to put him in your finishing move?
OMEGA: I mean screwdriver as in the tool, jackass. It’s a fuckin’ “done time” reference. The two pieces of shit are in the ring. Bayless calls for the bell and now, we got a face off.
SID: Retro immediately looking to literally impale Riggs but Riggs using that shield of sorts.
OMEGA: Retro Pussy’s goin’ about this all wrong. He’s just jabbin’ away with the claw. No real finesse here. Just jabs. Something’s up. Pussy jabs the chair and once again….AW MAN! Fucka Riggs just got a kick to his balls!
SID: The claw stabbed right into the chair just like at Summertime Barbecue but Retro was prepared. The claw snaps right off his arm as soon as he landed the low blow.
OMEGA: That’s right, bitch. Follow what I wrote for ya. Retro Pussy’s got a handful of jeans. Sends Fucka right into the turnbuckle post headfirst from the inside! I remember the same thing happening to Goldberg when he missed a spear once. Unlike that time, this was on purpose.
SID: Shaka is out. There’s nothing in those eyes. Retro hooking Shaka. Has in a front suplex. There’s the Cutting Edge! That move hasn’t been seen for a long time! Two moves like that to the head? That’s got to be it. Retro with the cover. Bayless in position. 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….THE RETRO PLAYA!
OMEGA: Fucka Riggs comes back and just like on the weekly, gets his ass whipped on the monthly.
SID: Retro Playa grabs the chair with his claw in it and walks away while we have medical personnel help Shaka Riggs out of here. The Retro Playa still one of the more dominant wrestlers on the monthly. That’s something not very hard to do, but you would be surprised at the weekly wrestlers who have come here only to try and die.
OMEGA: I ain’t sweatin’ it. Somethin’ will happen. We gotta move on here. Get that piece of shit outta here! There ya go. Was that so hard? Okay Kitana, let’s get moving here.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Your referee for this match will be JACQUELINE!
(“Are You Ready For This?” plays throughout INVESCO Field at Mile High)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….from your home state of Denver, Colorado….DRAGON!
SID: Dragon obviously the home favorite as Mile High explodes!
OMEGA: What you say? You got a cold? I can’t hear a damn word you say! I’m too busy listenin’ to a bunch of poppin’ idiots give love to a mothafuckah who used to remember how to bring it to the ring but now can’t remember to tell somebody that he might be out for a while.
SID: Dragon’s obviously the favorite here. It is his hometown.
OMEGA: Fuck that, man. Cheer for a fucker who deserves it. Guys like Carmelo Anthony? Guys like him are actual workin’ athletes. Dragon used to do it but now he’s all absentee and shit.
(“Let’s Get This Party Started” by KoRn plays throughout INVESCO Field at Mile High)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent….from Savage, Maryland….PURGATORY!
SID: I didn’t know Purgatory was from there.
OMEGA: I guess the son bitch finally got tired of “Parts Unknown.” Where the fuck is he?
SID: Once again, Purgatory raking his time to come out. Here he comes. He’s in character again.
OMEGA: Dressed as Dirk The Daring. God damn it, escape from the ’80s already.
SID: Purgatory’s ovation not as loud as Dragon’s but that;s never mattered to him. Always coming to “play.”
OMEGA: And that’s why he’s always gettin’ his ass handed to him. Look at that shit! Drag-On’s already whippin’ on ’em!
SID: Jackie calls for the bell and the match is officially underway. Dragon pounding away on Purgatory’s back driving him to the mat. Purgatory pushes him off to create some space. Dragon with a straight right hand. Another. Purg’s in trouble.
OMEGA: No, the little bastard’s just liking the pain a bit too much right now.
SID: Dragon picking apart Purgatory with those punches. What? What just happened? Dragon was in control and now, he’s on his back.
OMEGA: Wrist Throw. It’s a Martial Arts thing.
SID: Purgatory does seem to be in a stance of the Martial Arts. Dragon has no idea of what to do. Dragon easing in his approach. Lightning quick kick to Dragon’s shin followed by a palm thrust to his chest! Again, Dragon is down and now Purgatory has once again switch his fighting stance.
OMEGA: Dragon-Style Kung Fu striking to Jeet Kun Do. Bruceatory’s in the house.
SID: I take that Purgatory’s mimicking Bruce Lee now. Purg looks ready to do something. He’s waiting for Dragon to get up. What the hell? How did Dragon go flying into the turnbuckle with that one punch?
OMEGA: Inch Punch, jackass.
SID: Dragon is completely out! Here’s the cover! Jackie in position! 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….PURGATORY!
OMEGA: No shit.
SID: Purgatory once again winning another match and switching fighting styles and gimmicks.
OMEGA: I guess that Dirk The Daring shit came in handy. He came into Dragon’s Lair and beat the livin’ hell outta the Dragon that lives here.
SID: Purgatory coming this way as once again, the medical personnel come to help Dragon out.
OMEGA: How’s that readin’ comin’ along? Just follow along and it’s good.
SID: Dragon leaves to a standing ovation as Purgatory is now dressed as Santa Claus out here and signals for the tree to be lowered. The tree has been covered all this time so now, we watch it lowered into the ring and the crowd is a buzz as we set for the main event. Vertigo and John Cena ready to wrestle the main event and….
OMEGA: A Razorwire Christmas Tree. Who didn’t see that one comin’?
SID: With working Christmas Lights and Glass Christmas Ornaments. What’s that at the top?
OMEGA: What? Never seen a Barbed Wire Cross as a tree topping?
SID: This will most likely offend.
OMEGA: Hey, it’s Purgatory. He’s kinda off in the head. If people don’t get that already, then they need to realize that some act and some are what you see.
SID: And now, we’ve got the Monthly exclusive female referees coming out with all sorts of gifts in all shapes and sizes.
OMEGA: Yeah. All these bitches scared. I did my Hogan impression and whipped out the 24-inch python. They all ran screamin’.
SID: I won’t touch on that.
OMEGA: The python’s only for the ladies, jackass. Yes, I will quickly dash your fuckin’ homosexual hopes. Don’t sweat it. Men hit on me as much as ladies. It’s the curse of lookin’ so damn good.
SID: I guess all the presents are accounted for. Even the ring has a huge bow on it just a little in front of Purgatory’s Giant Razorwire Christmas Tree with Glass Ornaments, Christmas Lights and of course, the Barbed Wire Crucifix on top.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. The main event of the evening is the PRESENTS AROUND THE TREE MATCH! Inside one of these gifts is the EWA Championship. To win, you must unwrap the correct present to find it. Your special guest referee for this match is SANTANIME!
(“Basic Thuganomics” by John Cena plays throughout INVESCO Field at Mile High)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, the challenger….from West Newberry, Massachusetts….JOHN CENA!
OMEGA: Ice-Ice, baby. Somebody slit this mothafuckah’s throat. Purg decided to make himself ref. Special education son of a bitch.
SID: John Cena making his way to the ring as he tries to unseat current champion Vertigo.
OMEGA: You can have the Basic Thuganomics. Just hand this fucker an ass whippin’ that’s not so complicated.
SID: John Cena now in the ring. Giving the fans his trademark horn signal. What? Vertigo! Vertigo just came from behind the barricade! That covering is there! All he had to do was duck! John Cena has no idea! He thinks they’re cheering for him!
OMEGA: Doesn’t take a genius to see what he has planned. Check the gloves.
SID: Heavy, gray working gloves. Vertigo has a plan. He slides in the ring. Cena still clueless. LOW BLOW FROM BEHIND! John Cena writhing in pain! Vertigo picks him up. FEAR FACTOR INTO THE RAZORWIRE CHRISTMAS TREE!
OMEGA: That’s what his punk ass get.
SID: Vertigo dragging the hurt Cena in the center of the ring. He kicks and pushes gifts out the way. He pushes the tree down on Cena! Cena’s trapped!
OMEGA: Under the tree with glass busted on that ass. He’s all tangled too. Dumb ass.
SID: And now, Vertigo flings the gloves of and starts tearing into the gifts like a kid at his first Christmas!
OMEGA: I don’t want to think about what Purg put in those boxes.
SID: Vertigo opening a medium-sized box. Cena, trapped and helpless underneath the tree. Vertigo opens one gift. Is it the title?
OMEGA: Not unless he just became the CapriSun Wild Cherry Juice Drink Champion.
SID: A box of CapriSun. Not what he’s looking for. He’s going for the refrigerator-sized box on the outside. Remember, the things in all these boxes must be pretty light. Another box inside the box?
OMEGA: How come I’m the only one who saw that comin’?
SID: Cena is still helpless underneath that wire. Vertigo just keeps coming up on smaller boxes in the big box. He has to keep going. Nothing but one small box after another. That box is too small to be the title. Vertigo has to keep going.
OMEGA: Look at Santa out here throwin’ candy and shit. That fuckin’ nice guy shit sickens me to my stomach.
SID: Vertigo opening another box. Assorted Pens. That’s not it. Vertigo really tearing into these gifts now.
OMEGA: Listen to fuckin’ Cenarita cry and shit. DOES IT HURT, YA LITTLE BITCH? HUH? IT HURT, DON’T IT? DON’T IT? PUNK!
SID: So far, Vertigo has got Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2, A Platinum GameCube, Rubbing Alcohol, A Toenail Clipper, Batteries, Butane Lighter Gas, An AOL 9.0 Upgrade Disk and Fish Food. He’s basically opened all the gifts. No sign of the title.
OMEGA: He’s got four boxes left.
SID: Vertigo opening the box. Toy Fire Truck. Moves on to the next box immediately. He’s opening it now. Cotton Balls. You can see the frustration on Vertigo’s face.
OMEGA: Take a look at Cenarita’s face. He’s gone from Vanilla Ice to fuckin’ Marky Mark.
SID: Cena’s face with small cuts all over it as he is still caught up in the tree. Vertigo opening another gift. Madden 2005 for the PS2, GameCube and X-Box.
OMEGA: Ray Lewis just got the jinx, too.
SID: This has got to be it. It’s the last box. Vertigo ripping the box open. He’s about to retain the title here. No. It’s a flashlight. Tag included. It’s got something on it.
OMEGA: “Use this to find that thing that holds your pants up. By the way, you ever notice how the ring looks like a giant blue box when seen from above?” I’ll be damned.
SID: Purgatory hid the title underneath the ring! It was never in a box!
OMEGA: Somethin’ wrong with you, Santanime! You know that, don’t ya?
SID: Vertigo coming out and is now going underneath the ring. Cena is still tangled up in the razorwire and look at the pool of blood he’s leaving trying to get out.
OMEGA: Yeah. His whole back gonna match the color of his neck soon.
SID: Vertigo has vanished. I don’t know where he is. A box has been tossed out. Here comes Vertigo. He’s opening the box. There’s the EWA Championship! It’s over! Santanime calls for the bell! Vertigo retains!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner of the Presents Around The Tree Match….AND STILL EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
OMEGA: Yeah. It’s over. End this shit.
SID: Vertigo still EWA Champion as he celebrates Christmas In July and retaining the title as confetti pours into the ring. That’s all there is from this month’s event. This is Sid along with Omega. We’ll see you in August!
OMEGA: I ain’t cleanin’ this shit up.