AL SNOW= Hello and welcome to SALUTE-TION! Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard are all here as we celebrate and salute the troops here in the heart of what was the enemy stronghold right here in Baghdad, Iraq and Al Shaab Stadium! Al Snow here with former EWA Champion, Purgatory. You ready to do some color commentating?
PURGATORY= You bet! I got my crayons, my markers, my ink brushes and all that good stuff. Bring on the coloring books!
AL SNOW= Color Commentators don’t actually color while matches go.
PURGATORY= They don’t? But why?
AL SNOW= I don’t know. Why did you retire?
PURGATORY= Because I wanted to….HEY! You won’t get any spoilers from me!
AL SNOW= Dang. Let’s go to the lovely Kitana Baker for the introductions.
PURGATORY= This is the first time I’ll be looking at her from here. At least the soldiers like her.
KITANA BAKER= Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Your referee for this match will be TERI BYRNE! Introducing first, representing the Dungeon Of Doom….they are CHRIS “THE MASTERPIECE” MASTERS AND SIMON DEAN!
(“Masterpiece” by WWE Productions plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
AL SNOW= Masters and Dean are a relatively new team and WHOA MAN! They just got clocked by Ned Tesseract and Jay Jixhel! Did you see that, Purg?
PURGATORY= I must’ve blinked! What happened?
AL SNOW= Tesseract and Jixhel both came from the back and smashed palm camcorders over the heads of Masters and Dean! Masters and Dean both extremely disoriented as Teri calls for the bell as Tesseract and Jixhel come down to the ring beating Masters and Dean as they come down!
PURGATORY= You mean they’re beating up Masters and Dean as they come down.
AL SNOW= Isn’t that what I said? Anyway, Tesseract sends Masters into the steel steps! Masters is out of it!
PURGATORY= Jixhel can’t do the same to Dean there. He’s fighting a bit. It’s Nova, man!
AL SNOW= Dean’s ECW background might’ve helped him there but what’s Tesseract doing? Masters is bleeding from his forehead. Dean’s bloodied too. Is that a chain? Tesseract pulls a chain from the bottom of the ring and look!
PURGATORY= IT’S THE MASTER LOCK!
AL SNOW= Not the hold, but the actual lock! Tesseract chains Masters to the ring and Masters can’t help his partner now. Dean on the other side exchanging blows with Jixhel. Tesseract pulls a bag from under the ring and sneaks up. What did he hit him with? A toy?
PURGATORY= 1/144 Scale Bolt Gundam? Jobber’s gonna be pissed!
AL SNOW= Huh? Well, whatever it was, it distracted Dean long enough for Jixhel to hit him with a roaring elbow and toss him into the ring. Dean in the ring as disoriented as we’ve seen him in some time. Tesseract waiting for him to get up. StunGun and Jixhel hooks him off the bounce into a facebuster! Cover! Byrne in position! 1! 2! 3! Chaos with the win!
PURGATORY= And I think Chaos is gonna have to explain a few things.
KITANA BAKER= Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners….NED TESSERACT….JAY JIXHEL…. THEY ARE CAMERA CHAOS!
AL SNOW= Camera Chaos with an overwhelming win here in Iraq as they are cheered by the appreciative soldiers and people of Iraq.
PURGATORY= You know what they should have done? They should’ve hit Dean and Masters with something else. Now they can’t record their time for being here. Sure they can request company tape but it just isn’t the same.
AL SNOW= Dean now going over to his partner to try and unchain him. What is Chris Masters doing? Is he gonna try to break those chains? He’s giving it a shot. They’re giving way and man! Chris Masters powering his way free from those chains! This guy is scary strong! Even Simon Dean looks impressed!
PURGATORY= He could have gas.
AL SNOW= Masters and Dean with a losing effort but Masters with an impressive feat of strength as they are cheered by the soldiers as well.
PURGATORY= No such things as heels here. They all get cheers.
(“American Zero” by Motley Crue plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
AL SNOW= I don’t recognize this music. It doesn’t belong to anyone I know in the EWA.
PURGATORY= Is there someone debuting that I don’t know about?
AL SNOW= Subway and Payne Killer both making their way out here. I guess it’s time for the number one contendership to the EWA Tag Team Titles. Why are they using this music?
PURGATORY= If that were an easier question to answer than why they are breaking character, I would answer it. Looks like Kitana’s ready to go.
KITANA BAKER= Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the special guest referees….SUBWAY….PAYNE KILLER….THIRD WORLD EMPIRE!
AL SNOW= Third World Empire making their way into the ring getting ready to officiate this match. Why were they made referees?
PURGATORY= I don’t know. Scouting the competition maybe?
(“The World Is Black/Old World Alliance theme” by Good Charlotte plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER= And now introducing first, BERSERK AND THE DARK ONE….THE OLD WORLD ALLIANCE!
AL SNOW= The Old World Alliance making their debut as an actual wrestling team after losing a basketball game to Vertigo and yourself. We get to see how they function as a team now.
PURGATORY= As a wrestling team. They’re not Arch Rivals, that’s for sure.
AL SNOW= They can’t be. They’re teammates.
PURGATORY= That’s not what I meant. I meant….never mind.
(“Walk” by Kilgore plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And now introducing their opponents….the team of ROB VAN DAM AND JUSTIN CREDIBLE!
AL SNOW= Did you ever think you would see this again, Purg?
PURGATORY= What? I can’t hear you!
AL SNOW= I said did you ever think you would see this again?
PURGATORY= No, I don’t think you should give a tree to Mrs. Sagain. This military crowd is goin’ ballistic. Gee Justin, you’re such a grouch! You can’t hide it! I see you breaking character from here!
AL SNOW= When you are surrounded by this much appreciation and gratitude, it’s hard to be focused as RVD and Justin Credible make their way to the ring. RVD giving five to the fans. Justin already in the ring. Is that a red, white and blue Singapore Cane?
PURGATORY= Sure is. Just like the ultra-cool camouflage dragon and yin yang RVD is wearin’. They’re definitely showin support. Look at RVD. THUMB….THUMB….THUMB….I mean R…V…D!
AL SNOW= Referees Subway and Payne Killer both asking who’ll start this match. Looks like Berserk and Justin Credible.
PURGATORY= Would you believe this? I thought I’d never hear the crowd would chant “Just An American” but they are. The crowd is into this to say the least and Justin and Berserk lock up. Collar and elbow tie up and Justin’s push off easily like a baby!
AL SNOW= Hey! I’m play by play!
PURGATORY= Sorry! Justin and RVD can’t do this against Berserk and The Dark One. They got to hit and run against the stronger team. That’s EXACTLY what they’ve got Berserk and The Dark One thinking too.
AL SNOW= Justin’s temper gets the best of him and he runs straight into a big Berserk boot. Berserk turns Justin into the corner and is pounding him down! What the? RVD from out of nowhere running the apron and extending a kick right to the back of the head of Berserk! Berserk falling back and pretty much sitting down right in the ring. Justin pulling himself up into the corner. The Dark One gets in the ring and goes right after RVD! RVD and The Dark One have a little chase going out here!
PURGATORY= I didn’t think The Dark One could run so fast.
AL SNOW= Dark One and RVD on a chase out here. Justin Credible in the corner. Berserk trying to recover from that kick to the back of the head there. RVD picks a chair out while still on the run. They stop. Rob with a chair toss. Dark One catches it and VANDAMINATOR! RVD nails the Vandaminator!
PURGATORY= Berserk just got hit with a sick cane shot by Justin Credible right in his face! Berserk’s stumbling around and OOOHHH! Nice superkick that’s got Berserk on top of spaghetti all covered with cheese!
AL SNOW= RVD beating the living hell out of The Dark One with that chair! I don’t think I’ve seen RVD this vicious before!
PURGATORY= Justin Credible, bloody lip and all, hooks Berserk and hits THAT’S INCREDIBLE! Old World Alliance can’t keep up the pace!
AL SNOW= The Dark One, bloodied and sprawled across the International Announce Table over here. That’s never good. RVD tosses the bloody chair to Credible. Credible sets it down and drags Berserk into the corner. Justin with the tag and he slides outside holding the chair in front of Berserk. Will it be? Could it be? VANTERMINATOR! RVD hitting all of the Vanterminator and is floppin’ around hurt. He’s trying to get to the corner. Justin Credible’s tagged in. Justin dragging Berserk back into the middle of the ring and an injured RVD going to the opposite corner. RVD climbing the turnbuckle. DON’T DO IT! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH ON THE DARK ONE! THERE GOES THE INTERNATIONAL ANNOUNCE TABLE!
PURGATORY= I never heard people say “Every man for himself” in all those different languages.
AL SNOW= And now Justin with a pin on Berserk! It can’t be over this fast! Payne Killer and Subway in position! 1! 2! 3! It’s over! Unbelievable!
KITANA BAKER: Here are your winners by way of pinfall and the number one contenders to the EWA Tag Team Championship….THEY ARE JUSTIN CREDIBLE AND ROB…VAN…DAM!
PURGATORY= Can I see the replay? I want to see how RVD took down Dark One so fast. One Vandaminator couldn’t have done it.
AL SNOW= This is after the Vandaminator connected. OH MAN! Low blow with the chair! No wonder Dark One went down so quickly! RVD and Justin Credible with a hell of a return to EWA tag teaming as the bloodied wrestlers get the usual monthly treatment of EMT’s.
PURGATORY= They’ve become just as much of a fixture here as the wrestlers themselves. Hardly anyone leaves under their own power here.
AL SNOW= As all four men are helped to the back, we get set to find out who Rob Van Dam and Justin Credible actually face. Will it be the team of Amazing Red and X-Pac or will DX retain?
PURGATORY= And by DX, you mean Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Nice temp table, announcing internationals….I mean international announcers.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and it’s for the EWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP and is an ARMED FORCES MATCH! To win, you must pin your opponent wearing the shirts of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard. Your referee for this match will be MAJOR GUNNS! First, introducing the challengers, they are the team of X-PAC AND THE AMAZING RED!
(“X-Factor” by Uncle Kracker plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
AL SNOW= Tylene Buck taking up her role as Major Gunns here and the troops support it WHAT THE HELL!
PURGATORY= It what the hell?
AL SNOW= HBK and Triple H both coming out here and attacking X-Pac and Red!
PURGATORY= I don’t know what Triple H hit X-Pac in the back of the head with but X-Pac went down in a heap fast. Where’s Paul Heyman?
AL SNOW= Paul Heyman nowhere to be found as DX brutalizes Red. HBK and Triple H now double teaming The Amazing Red. OOOOOHHHH! Red sent into those steel steps with velocity and a half!
PURGATORY= DX looking to end it early and fast. Velocity and a half?
AL SNOW= Triple H slides that bloody sledgehammer in the ring and X-Pac still down in a heap and pretty much drowning in his own blood. WE’VE GOT A LADDER SIGHTING!
PURGATORY= No need to get all dramatic.
AL SNOW= And now HBK putting on all those shirts at one time. Smart move by HBK. This way, he only has to get one pinfall. Triple H is setting up the ladder as Amazing Red is pretty much helpless. Shawn with all the shirts on now and he begins to climb the ladder. Triple H hooks Amazing Red. PEDIGREE ONTO THE SLEDGEHAMMER! Jeez! HBK’s reached the top of the ladder! What’s he gonna do? MOONSAULT! HBK JUST EXECUTED A PICTURE PERFECT MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER! I thought for sure he would do the elbow!
PURGATORY= I can’t remember the last time I saw HBK do a moonsault and he’s never done one off the ladder!
AL SNOW= Gunns in position! 1! 2! 3! DX retains!
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winners of this match by pinfall and still EWA Tag Team Champions of the world….TRIPLE H….SHAWN MICHAELS….DEGENERATION X!
PURGATORY= Can soldiers get in trouble for chanting “holy shit?”
AL SNOW= DX successfully retaining and I guess Triple H has got something to say. He’s askin’ for the mic.
PURGATORY= This is gonna be something to remember. I can feel it.
TRIPLE H= ARE YOU READY?
AL SNOW= Ready?
TRIPLE H= DX SOLDIERS….U.S. SOLDIERS….ARE YOU READY?
PURGATORY= Does he mean ready for war? Everyone’s in camo, dude. What do ya think?
TRIPLE H= THEN….FOR THE THOUSANDS IN ATTENDANCE….AND THE MILLIONS WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD….OSAMA BIN LADEN CAN SSSSSUUUUCCCKKKKK IIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!
AL SNOW= He can definitely do that! If there’s anyone who needs a Head shot, it’s Osama!
PURGATORY= Heels aren’t supposed to talk like that!
AL SNOW= They aren’t heels tonight even though a bloodied Amazing Red and X-Pac would probably tell you otherwise. As we see the familiar EMT’s come and get Pac & Red, we’re ready for some good ol’ fashioned American Fireworks. The main event. Five guys. Vertigo, Jeff Hardy, Hardcore Holly, Midnighter, Taz & The Retro Playa. All wrestling to a title you vacated, Purgatory. Wrestling to become the new EWA Championship.
PURGATORY= I know what I did wasn’t cool or even honorable to a lot of people but there was something I felt I needed to prove and I couldn’t do it as EWA Champion.
AL SNOW= Well, whatever you have planned, I’m sure it’s great. We’re all set up and ready to go for an equally great main event. Take it away, Kitana.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is the main event of the evening! This is an elimination-style match and it is for the EWA Championship of the world! To win, you must incapacitate your opponent for a 10 count onto the fireworks stand and those are the rules for this American Fireworks Display Elimination Match! Your special guest referee for this match will be SERGEANT SLAUGHTER! And now, to introduce the participants….
(“How Do Ya Like Me Now?” by WWE Productions plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: First, hailing from Mobile, Alabama….HARDCORE HOLLY!
PURGATORY= It’s the Co-Commish!
AL SNOW= Hardcore Holly’s luck hasn’t been that spectacular as of late but maybe that’ll change. Holly in the ring ready for this match.
PURGATORY= I’m sure he is.
(“Burnt Page” by Peroxwhygen by WWE Productions plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER= Next, from Fayetteville, North Carolina….JEFF HARDY!
AL SNOW= Jeff Hardy’s another wrestler who hasn’t been the luckiest wrestler but he’s never had a bad match here.
PURGATORY= He didn’t waste time coming to the ring either. Smart move to keep his eyes on Holly.
(“The Burning Of The Midnight Lamp” by Jimi Hendrix by plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: From Chicago, Illinois….MIDNIGHTER!
AL SNOW= As if to continue the trend of newcomers getting a World title shot, Midnighter makes his debut against five established monthly guys.
PURGATORY= And no one knows zero facts about him. Normally, that would throw you off your game but when it comes to fighting, all you need to know is crazy.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Cherry Wild plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER= Also from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW= The masked man attempting to once again become EWA Champion. Where are the claws?
PURGATORY= Maybe the military wouldn’t let him wear them. We got to answer to some people sometimes I guess. Your guess is as good as mine.
(“Beat Me If You Can, Survive If I Let You” by ECW Productions plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER= From the Red Hook Districts of New York….TAZ!
AL SNOW= This is my pick, Purg. Taz has been building and boiling to the point of being unstoppable.
PURGATORY= And that statement had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with ECW. He hasn’t quite made the transition from announcer to wrestler yet but he’s almost there.
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Al Shaab Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And finally, from Atlanta, Georgia….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW= The former EWA Champion making his way down. I want to see you guys wrestle again.
PURGATORY= And maybe that time, we’ll be fighting each other instead of the ring.
AL SNOW= EVERYONE’S JUMPING VERTIGO! THE BELL SOUNDS AND EVERYONE’S JUMPING VERTIGO! Four against one and Vertigo can only cover up!
PURGATORY= Trying to take him out early. I don’t blame them.
AL SNOW= All I see are feet coming down on Vertigo. Taz grabs his legs and hits a Wheelbarrow Suplex! Midnighter, almost fast enough to be a follow up. Muscles him up and hits a reverse Implant DDT! Retro Playa. Look at the guys hold Vertigo up for him! A snapping German Suplex! Jeff Hardy. He picks Vertigo up with help. TWIST OF FATE! Vertigo may be our first elimination! Now, Hardcore Holly. He’s got Vertigo hooked. ALABAMA SLAM! Man! Vertigo’s been wasted!
PURGATORY= So much for teamwork. Everyone’s fighting now.
AL SNOW= Midnighter is brawling with Taz. Holly with Retro. Both fights moving toward that fireworks platform.
PURGATORY= Looks like we’re gonna get some eliminations soon.
AL SNOW= Midnighter really taking it to Taz. Retro just got on the wrong end of a low blow and gets sent down by a chop. Holly moving over with Midnighter. Midnighter with a grazing shot of that boot. Holly nails a drop kick! Holly coming to Taz now and Midnighter going to Retro. TAZMISSION! Taz locking on the Tazmission out of nowhere on Holly! Midnighter doesn’t know! Midnighter with a couple of stomps and now he sees Holly in trouble. He’s coming to….NO! Retro with an Ankle Lock! It’s Submission City tonight!
PURGATORY= Sometimes, I wonder if you hear yourself. Both guys are tapping but that doesn’t matter here.
AL SNOW= Holly starting to fade and black out. Midnighter trying to fight his way out of that Ankle Lock. Holly is out and Midnighter breaks out of the Ankle Lock but needs to do something fast because all he did was kick Retro in his mask.
PURGATORY= Taz drags Holly onto the platform. Count everybody! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Holly gets a shower of fireworks! Look at how much pain he’s in!
KITANA BAKER= Hardcore Holly has been eliminated!
AL SNOW= Holly’s been eliminated as Retro, Taz and Midnighter are all out here. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy has been in the ring for some time setting up a huge spot. He has Vertigo on a table. He’s up on a ladder. He gives the signal! SWANTON BOMB THROUGH THE TABLE! Jeff Hardy hitting his patented Swanton Bomb on Vertigo and I don’t know how Vertigo is going to be able to continue here.
PURGATORY= Jeff Hardy hurt himself.
AL SNOW= Jeff Hardy did indeed hurt himself. Where did Taz….TAZMISSION! Tazmission on Jeff Hardy! Jeff Hardy’s insides are busted up and he can’t fight Taz off as Taz is making him tap but to no avail.
PURGATORY= On the outside here. Midnighter had kicked Retro right in his knee and put his entire weight into a lariat almost inverting Retro. Midnighter suffering the effects of that Ankle Lock feel right back down. We’ve got Vertigo lying in pieces of wood, Midnighter and Retro both down on the outside here and Taz choking Jeff Hardy completely out.
AL SNOW= And now Taz drags Hardy to the apron. Taz, pretty much using a Fireman’s Carry to carry Jeff Hardy out here. He walks past Midnighter and Retro and places Hardy onto the platform. An elbow in the back of the head by Midnighter and Taz goes down like a ton of bricks!
PURGATORY= 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Firework Bath for Jeff Hardy!
KITANA BAKER= Jeff Hardy has been eliminated!
AL SNOW= And we are down to four. Taz is down. Retro is also down. Midnighter barely up and Vertigo barely moving in the ring. Midnighter with a dazed Taz. Hooks him and airs him out with a huge powerbomb! Midnighter with an impressive feat of….WHOA! Retro out of nowhere with that snap back drop on Midnighter and Midnighter landed real hard on the back of his neck there! Retro muscles up Midnighter into an underhook and places him on the platform. Retro putting the boots to Taz.
PURGATORY= 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Midnight fireworks for all!
KITANA BAKER= Midnighter has been eliminated!
AL SNOW= And now we are down to three! Vertigo! Taz! Retro! Retro with a Step Over Toe Hold trying to wear Taz down. Retro spins him onto his back and again locks in the Step Over Toe Hold. Now he locks the face.
PURGATORY= Stepover Toehold Facelock. Why can’t you just say STF?
AL SNOW= Taz trying to fight his way out but Retro’s holding on with everything he’s got!
PURGATORY= Look who’s coming down the ramp!
AL SNOW= Vertigo is up and he’s not coming alone! He’s got that equalizer in that chair! Vertigo looks like hell but he’s making his way up the ramp toward the platform where Taz is locked in an STF. See? I can say it. Vertigo making his way down to Taz and Retro. OOOOHHH! Nails Retro in the back! Another sick chair shot and Taz has got back problems now if he didn’t have them before. Vertigo looking possessed!
PURGATORY= No! Just pissed!
AL SNOW= Vertigo grabs Retro by the tights and back of the mask and tosses him onto the platform! And now Taz is tossed on there! He gets up there too! Is the EWA Championship going to be vacated once more? What is Vertigo thinking?
PURGATORY= Taz and Retro can only think ouch! Vertigo’s got the chair up there too and is just wailing away at both guys!
AL SNOW= Sergeant Slaughter starting the count!
PURGATORY= 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! Vertigo swept off by Retro! 4! 3! Retro and Taz fighting up! 2! 1! What happened?
AL SNOW= I don’t know. It looked like Taz and Retro got off of that platform just before the one but I don’t know. Sergeant Slaughter calling for an instant replay. Yes, we do have that in cases like this. Here comes Omega. Both men looking at the instant replay to indeed see if Taz and Retro Playa made it off the platform in time, if they did, this match continues. IF they didn’t, we have a new EWA Champion. Looks like they’re agreeing on something. If they did escape, they don’t have much to show for it. You can see the slight burns of those fireworks.
PURGATORY= Sergeant Slaughter now telling Kitana Baker his decision. We’ll find out what happened here.
KITANA BAKER= Ladies and gentlemen, Sergeant Slaughter has ruled that both Taz and The Retro Playa did not make it off the platform in time. Therefore, Taz and The Retro Playa have both been eliminated and your winner and NEW EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW= How about that? Vertigo winning the title back the same way he lost it! In controversy! It’s not over! All three men in Taz, Vertigo and Retro continue to fight as we’re getting a flood of security here covering the three.
PURGATORY= They’re in more danger than they know. We’re in Baghdad, guys! Come on!
AL SNOW= We have run out of time and….what’s that sound?
PURGATORY= Security breach! We got to move and move now! Get up, Al! It’s either get this stopped or get bullets somewhere! MOVE!