Rhino: And I’m the man called Rhino! We got some stuff for your asses tonight!
Mark: We got a World Title Tournament. We got the Tag Titles and the FTW World Champion belts being decided tonight so let’s get to the action!
TUESDAY NIGHT CARNAGE
Live on June 12th, 2000
Kurt Angle Vs Shawn Michaels
Mark: Well our first match involves everyone’s Olympic hero go against one-half of DX. This should be a great match.
Rhino: Good match? Angle’s gonna ace ’em! Angle’s way more talented that HBK!
Mark: The Star Spangled Banner has kicked up here and the gold metal winner is on his way to the ring! Look at him blow those kisses he’s blowing. Those aren’t sincere!
Rhino: What are you talking about, Mark? He loves the people.
Mark: Its a well known fact that he likes to run his mouth also. He has a microphone with him.
KA: You know. I’m wrestling HBK tonight. Many people think Shawn Michales is talented and it’s true. Oh it’s true! But you see, Shawn Michaels is lacking in the Three I’s. It’s true! He has intelligence because he has surrounded himself with great talent just in case he gets in trouble. He has intensity. Anyone can tell he has intensity from his matches. But HBK doesn’t have integrity. I mean come on! Can anyone who has integrity call himself a kid, tell people to suck it, and be proud to be a degenerate? That’s not integrity and everyone knows it’s true! Thank you!
Rhino: HBK has said all that and a bag of chips and talk about strange coincidence! Here comes Shawn Michaels!
Mark: HBK is strutting his way to the ring like only he can. He looks pumped for this
Rhino: HBK is always pumped! But as usual, he has got something to say because now he has the stick.
HBK: You know, Kurt, you forgot a few other “true” things about me. You forgot to mention that I am the showstoppa! (Crowd cheers) I am the main event! (More cheers) I am the Icon! (Cheers again) And tonight, I’m the guy who’s gonna whip your ass up and down this ring so get ready!
Mark: Angle & HBK explode into each other. Man, look at them wail away!
Rhino: I’ve only seen this stuff in cartoons! Never thought I would see it in real life!
Mark: Angle gets the advantage. Hooks HBK. Textbook belly to back suplex! And Angle celebrates like he won the Olympic metals again!
Rhino: News flash Angle: This ain’t the Olympics. This is the EWA, baby!
Mark: HBK staggers up. Angle charges him. WOW! OUT OF NOWHERE! Sweet Chin Music! He goes for the cover! 1! 2! 3! This has got to be some kinda record as HBK leaves after making quick work out of Kurt Angle.
Rhino: This can turn out to be a great night for DX if this continues. HBK has come out victorious. Now let’s see if the other half of DX can do as well as Shawn did in this match with the Olympic hero.
EWA WORLD TITLE MINI-TOURNAMENT
Triple H Vs Chris Jericho
Mark: This night can only get more action-packed as our next match is a semifinal match for the vacated EWA World title between Triple H & Chris Jericho. These 2 have a pastin the WWF. Will it surface here?
Rhino: You got your head up your ass again, Mark? This ain’t WWF, man! This is EWA!
Mark: I know that! Too bad half of the roster doesn’t! Speak of the devil! It’s the Y2J
Rhino: Jericho arrives in 5…4…3…2…1…(Pyro explosion)
Mark: It’s the Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla making way out to the ring looking as pumped as only he can!
Rhino: What you say, Mark? The crowd is cheering so loud that I can’t hear you! Hey! Wait! That’s a good thing! I should have these people around me every day!
Mark: What did you say, Rhino?
Mark: Y2J is in the ring and he has the stick.
Y2J: Welcome everyone to EWA IS JERICHO! Well, I’m here and they put me against Triple H? Why? Why do I have to play The Lame Game? I guess it really doesn’t matter. The other day, someone asked me what I thought of Triple H. I said that I was gonna hurt him heavily. So I guess that’s it, Triple H. Your 3 H’s now stand for Hurt Him Heavily because I promise that you I’ll give you a beating that you will NNNEEVVVEEERRR…(Crowd: EEEVVVEEERRR) EEEVVVEERR forget!
Mark: I guess Y2J has said his peace.
Rhino: He’s just shooting his worthless Canadian mouth off! Nothing but a whole bunch of crap flying from his big mouth! He don’t stand a chance because Ladies and Gentlemen; it’s time to start the game!
Mark: His music has hit and Triple H is coming. He’s accompanied by Chyna and that is double trouble for Jericho.
Rhino: Chyna isn’t normal eye candy. She’s there to whip some ass! I don’t care what anyone says!
Mark: Triple H has the stick also. Seems like everyone has something to say.
HHH: You know, Jericho. You once again talk out of the side of your neck! You can’t step to my level and you know it! I’ve said it. Sid has said it. Y2J means Yes To Jobbing! So Jericho, (Steps to Y2J’s face) What the hell are you going to do about it?
Mark: Big mistake by Triple H as Jericho unloads!
Rhino: Jericho has turned into a human ass-kickin’ tornado and all the Game can do is take the butt-kickin’!
Mark: Jericho is shooting all his guns on Triple H and hitting the target on the mark! Whip to the turnbuckle. Triple H hits hard & stumbles out of it. BULLDOG! Jericho is on fire! Jericho picks him back up and fires the fists off!
Rhino: And now on EWA’s website at www.EWA.com; a vote on dumb calls that EWA commentators have made. My vote goes to “Fires the fists off!” made by below-intelligence partner in commentating.
Mark: I’m dumb? Well, you’re blind because you didn’t see the Game sneak that low blow in and then he tossed Jericho outside.
Rhino: I know that…now. I also know that to look where it is needed because Chyna is on the prowl!
Mark: Chyna is coming over to the fallen Y2J. Triple H has the ref distracted. Chyna just floored Jericho with a clothesline! Don’t let Jericho get robbed like this!
Rhino: It had to happen sooner or later, Mark! Anytime Chyna is down by the ring, she becomes an instant factor!
Mark: She puts Jericho back in the ring and the ref never saw a damn thing! Triple H is celebrating. He must be the only one because he’s getting booed heavily!
Rhino: Don’t listen to these people, Hunter! They’re just jealous!
Mark: They’re not jealous! They’re pissed off because Triple H is about to steal a victory here. He’s hooking Jericho….
Rhino: He’s going for the Pedigree! He hits this and it will be over!
Mark: The Front-Face Piledriver Triple H uses so well. The move is known as the Pedigree. Triple H has put many people away with this including the man who’s in the ring right now back in the WWF. He’s got Jericho hook. Look at Jericho fight his way out! He reverses the Pedigree! He’s got Triple H by the legs! He’s attempting to break the walls!
Rhino: NNNOOO! Don’t let this happen, Hunter! Remember, YOU ARE THE GAME!
Mark: Jericho don’t care about that! He’s gonna break the wall right down right on Triple H! Jericho has him in the Walls! He’s tapping! Jericho SHOULD be the winner!
Rhino: Yeah too bad the ref can’t see Triple H play pattycake with the mat because he has to deal with a certain ninth wonder!
Mark: The ref has to hold off Chyna who’s trying to interfere on Hunter’s behalf! That bitch!
Rhino: Watch your mouth, Mark! That is a first-class lady all the way! Chyna is doing what she always does.
Mark: Yeah. Cheat.
Rhino: Nothing wrong with that.
Mark: Yeah. I guess so. I cheated when I made that bet against you that I could beat you in EWA: Extremities for the Nintendo 64 when I fought you with Rob Van Dam & you were Bill Alfonso. I felt no guilt.
Rhino: Hey! Wait a minute!
Mark: Triple H is tapping like crazy in the Walls but the ref can’t see it because Chyna has him tied up! Whoa! What’s this?
Rhino: HBK is in da house! And he is making this DX thing present!
Mark: More interference for Triple H! Jericho doesn’t see him! The ref doesn’t see him!
Rhino: Jericho may not see him but I bet he felt the Superkick!
Mark: HBK just planted Sweet Chin Music right into the back skull of Y2J! He’s out! Y2J is lying limp and HBK darts back to the entrance. Triple H manages to pull himself up and look at this: All of the sudden, Chyna doesn’t want to interfere anymore. How coincidental and convenient.
Rhino: If wrestlers can’t play the game, they shouldn’t be in it as players!
Mark: Triple H is up. He picks Jericho up. Jericho is easy prey now! He hooks him. Pedigree! Triple H just drilled Jericho! He goes for the cover! 1! 2! 3! Triple H wins this! Y2J has just been robbed!
Rhino: Y2J just realized that Y2J DOES mean Yes To Jobbing!
Mark: Triple H has just won this match and now he has the stick. Guess is “Typical Wrestler Gloat Time.”
HHH: I told you! I told you all! I AM THE GAME! I AM THAT DAMN GOOD! I will be the next damn EWA World Heavyweight champion! Shawn, get out here so we can celebrate DX style!
Rhino: A DX party? Here? Yeah! Let’s do it! Ain’t nothing like a DX party!
HHH: C’mon, Shawn. LET’S PARTY!
Mark: I guess all that needs to be done is for HBK to come out here and get this party started. Look at the EWA Hardcore Theater!
Rhino: The WWF has the TitanTron. WCW has NitroVision. We have Hardcore Theater. Right now, Shawn has a splitin’ headache!
Mark: HBK is flat out! He has been laid unconscious! Who’s that standing near him in the black boots?
HHH: What the hell? Who’s that? I dare whoever that is to come down and get your ass in this ring right now!
Mark: Whoever owns those black boots are steppin’ right this way.
Rhino: Damn cameraman. Pan Up! Pan Up! Who hires these bums? OOPS! Forget I said that!
Mark: Listen to that!
Rhino: That’s Sid’s music! Did Sid lay out HBK?
Mark: I don’t know if he did or didn’t but he is coming down here and Triple H and Chyna now look like they want people to see what the inside of their mouths look like. There jaws have just hit Ring Bottom!
Rhino: This stupid color commentary is brought to you by….
Mark: Sid is in and the remaining DX is out! Now he has the stick.
SID: Triple H! You’re probably thinking that I was the one who knocked your friend flat on his ass back there! I can tell you right now that it was not me! I can say that I did enjoy seeing Shawn unconscious but was a little mad because I didn’t do it! You just call me out so here I am! You wanted to meet the man? You got it!
Rhino: Sid just said a lot. Too bad it was silenced by that great laugh! Money. Man, do I wish I had some.
Mark: The all to familiar laugh of “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase has rung out in the arena here. DX left in a hurry. I guess the next match in the tournament is on right now!
Sid Vicious Vs The Million Dollar Man
Mark: Does everyone have something to say? Dibiase has the stick now.
Rhino: One of the first things you learn about this business is that what you say can carry you far in wrestling. Even Kane couldn’t dodge that bullet for long.
TED: I tried, Sid, I really tried. You see, I tried to buy you out of this match. I tried to keep you from wrestling me but you were hell bent on facing me here. So I have no choice but to take you out because if you can’t be bought, you will still pay a price! HAHAHAAHAHA!
Mark: Dibiase rushes into the ring. Sid has him! Oh man! Low Blow!
Rhino: You didn’t think that Mr. Dibiase wouldn’t come prepared? Do you?
Mark: Dibiase is pulling Ted up. European Uppercut! Sid stumbles to the turnbuckle.Dibiase, going to work on Sid with punches and forearms in the corner. Tries to IrishWhip Sid out. Sid won’t go! Dibiase goes for it again. Gets it. Sid reverses and Dibiase crashes hard into the turnbuckle! Sid nearly decapitates Dibiase with a clothesline and Dibiase immediately rolls to the outside and begs for a time out!
Rhino: The only time outs you get in wrestling are injuries or knockouts and Sid would be more than happy to provide either one.
Mark: Ted is outside waiving for someone. Who is it? Aw man! It’s the 1-2-3 Kid! He’s got a suitcase in hands! What are they gonna do? Try to buy Sid out of this match?
Rhino: GIMME THAT SUITCASE! Buy me anytime!
Mark: Dibiase has the stick again as Sid sneers at them from the inside of the ring.
MDM: (Pausing & breathing heavily) Sid…..Sid…..Sid, I’ll give you one last chance. Sid, you walk out on this match right now an all the money in this briefcase is yours! Kid, get in there in show him the money!
Rhino: Forget Sid! Show me the money!
Mark: The 1-2-3 Kid gets in the ring. He goes to Sid & opens the briefcase and would you look at all that money!
Rhino: There’s got to be at least $100,000 in there tops!
Mark: Sid is picking some out. He pushes the suitcase up! Money is everywhere! Rhino, where are you going? The hell with this. Rhino, wait up!
(In the chaos to get the Million Dollar Man’s money, Mark & Rhino can’t call the action because they are trying to get some. Security is having a difficult time holding fans back as hey spill out trying to get some. The 1-2-3 Kid, The referee, and Dibiase are all trying to gather the cash up. Everyone forgets about Sid. Sid grabs Dibiase from behind, Irish Whips him and then gives him a big boot. Sid picks him up and attempts a chokeslam but the 1-2-3 Kid low blows him & then hits him with a X-Factor. Dibiase goes for the cover but the ref is still gathering the money. The Kid goes to get the ref’s attention & succeeds. The Kid finishes gathering the money while the ref counts Sid. Sid kicks out after a near 3 count & Dibiase looks frustrated. Mark & Rhino manage to get back to the announce table before The Kid & Dibiase set up for something else)
Rhino: How much did you get, Mark? I got a thousand at least!
Mark: Me too. It looks like Sid is going to get something in this match after all. Dibiase has Sid from behind! The Kid has the suitcase! Sid is about to be nailed here!
Rhino: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Make him pay the price, Dibiase!
Mark: The Kid runs in. He runs right into a big boot! Sid low blows Dibiase! He hooks him! Looks like it’s powerbomb time!
Rhino: Rich men shouldn’t be treated like this!
Mark: Maybe. Maybe not but Dibiase just got treated to a MASSIVE Sid powerbomb! He goes for the cover! 1! 2! 3! Sid wins and he wins big!
Rhino: Dibiase is rich. I just hope after that bomb he has great hospital coverage.
Mark: Whoa! Look over there! Road Dogg just came out from the crowd and is attacking The 1-2-3 Kid! They do have an FTW World title match later on. What? I’m getting work from the back. It’s gonna happen now? Now? That’s not gonna sit to well with The Kid.
FTW TITLE MATCH
Road Dogg Jesse James Vs 1-2-3 Kid
Rhino: Hell No! He just got a boot to the face not to long ago by Sid and that boot didn’t hit him as hard as the suitcase!
Mark: The bell rings and we’re underway! The Kid and Road Dogg are still outside and Road Dogg is going to work!
Rhino: Road Dogg has got to be nuts! He’s out here trying to take out The Kid but Sid is still out here too!
Mark: Dibiase is still out here as well but he has yet to move after the powerbomb. I don’t think the Dogg has too much to worry about Dibiase.
Rhino: We got one guy beating up another guy out of the ring. We got a monster still in the ring. We got paramedics coming to take our resident rich man out of here. I think it’s safe to say we got EWA chaos!
Mark: What a slam by the Road Dogg. What is he walking away?
Rhino: No! He only needs room for the shaky knee drop!
Mark: Road Dogg hits the shaky knee drop and he’s got trouble.
Rhino: Road Dogg has accidentally blocked someone from going to the back. Too bad that someone is Sid!
Mark: I can’t believe him! Road Dogg wants a handshake from Sid! He gets a hand all
right! Chokeslam! Sid just chokeslammed Road Dogg right on the concrete!
Rhino: Whether he meant to or not, Sid just evened the odds!
Mark: Sid just rolled Kid and the Dogg in the ring and the ref is the only one standing. He starts the 10 count! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7…
Rhino: The Kid is moving! He better hurry!
Mark: 8! 9! The Kid with the cover! 1! 2! 3! Kid wins it! It’s over!
Rhino: No! The ref says Road Dogg kicked out in time! The match is still on!
Mark: The Kid thinks he’s won. The ref tells him no. The Kid is weakened & picks up an equally weakened Road Dogg. The Kid plants him in the corner. Look at him aim of with those feet!
Rhino: I can’t hold it back anymore! The Kid is my man but go go power ranger!
Mark: Well, The Blue Ranger….I mean The Kid knocks him down in a sitting position. He’s calling for the Bronco Buster!
Rhino: It’s time to ride the D-O double G!
Mark: Here comes The Kid. No! Road Dogg counters with a low blow!
Rhino: The bronco just got busted in the worse way!
Mark: The Kid stumbles up but so does Road Dogg. Road Dogg unloading with the shake, rattle and roll punches! The Kid is knocked flat on his ass!
Rhino: Road Dogg is feelin’ all his second win now!
Mark: Road Dogg gives the signal. Hooks The Kid. Pumphandle Slam! Cover! 1! 2! 3! We got a new FTW Champion!
Rhino: 1-2-3 just got 1-2-3’d. Anyone noticed he had a certain X-Factor while he was wrestling tonight? Road Dogg is celebrating big time with his new found gold! Who’s that? Oh yeah! It’s my incredible homeboy!
Mark: Justin Credible has snuck in the ring from the crowd the same way Road Dogg did earlier and he just send that Kendo Stick right into Road Dogg’s back!
Rhino: It’s a Singapore Cane, Dumb ass.
Mark: Singapore Cane. Kendo Stick. Whatever. Road Dogg just got hit with it and he just got planted by That’s Incredible!
Rhino: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! He is just too incredible!
Mark: Justin celebrates and oh boy. He has the stick and I ain’t talkin’ bamboo or Kendo.
JC: Shut up, you pieces of shit! (Crowd boos big time) Road Dogg, I just neutered your ass so now that you are knocked out, I can’t tell ya to suck it! All I can tell ya is that what I did was not just the coolest! (Stomps RD) It was not just the best! (Stomps him again) It was Justin Credible!(Spits on him then leaves to “Snap your fingers, snap your neck”)
Mark: Justin just laid out the new FTW Champion!
Rhino: And if something doesn’t come out of this, I’m in the wrong place!
Mark: Well, we are down to our last match. The EWA Tag Team titles to be decided tonight in the next match. It will be Rikishi Phatu & Stone Cold Steve Austin versus DX; HBK and Triple H. Rhino, I gotta give Rikishi and Austin the edge here.
Rhino: We all know that HBK was laid out in the back by someone we don’t know. We also don’t know what kind of shape HBK is in. But if anyone hasn’t recognized yet, HBK is Mr. Resilient and he will find a way to overcome this.
EWA TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Shawn Michaels and HHH Vs Stone Cold Steve Austin and Rikishi Phatu
Mark: I agree 100% with you, Rhino. HBK’s music has just hit and here comes the triad known as DX!
Rhino: Actually, I don’t remember HBK, Triple H or Chyna calling themselves DX but
that name is so hard to shake when you see this trio. They did start the whole thing after all.
Mark: Well, to save time, I’m just gonna call ’em DX. DX is comin’ down and HBK looks a little worse for wear.
Rhino: Chyna & Triple H are helping him to the ring. Poor HBK.
Mark: Yeah right. I bet he’s okay. He’s just goldbricking like only he can. DX in the ring now and wow, here comes Rikishi Phatu!
Rhino: No fair! DX hasn’t even settled in yet!
Mark: For a big guy he can move fast! He gets in! Superkick on Triple H! Superkick on Chyna! Superkick on HBK!
Rhino: Rikishi is on fire but where is Austin?
Mark: Rikishi is looking at Chyna funny. Could it be Stinkface time?
Rhino: It’s a known fact that Rikishi does not wipe his behind! He’s gonna put those cheeks in Chyna’s face? No! Don’t let it happen, DX!
Mark: Rikishi is in position. Stinkface! Rikishi just gave Chyna the moon!
Rhino: That’s some nasty shit, man! That shouldn’t happen to a lady!
Mark: That SHOULD happen to Chyna, though! Rikishi with the stinkface! He gets up and looks back at Chyna. Looks like he enjoyed that a little too much. Aw man! He just turned right into a HBK Superkick! Look at the miraculous recovery from Shawn!
Rhino: He’s okay! The Heartbreak Kid is okay! Take notes, Rikishi! That is how to throw a superkick!
Mark: HBK; miraculously healed from the beating. Triple H & Chyna are still down & now he’s trying to help Triple H up. You hear that! The glass breaks! Austin is on his way!
Rhino: Better late than never! When you hear the glass, you can bet that’s your ass!
Mark: Austin darts to the ring! HBK gives him a few forearms. Irish Whip. No, reversal by Austin. Kick to the gut! Stunner! Stunner! Austin just made HBK flip with the Stunner!
Rhino: You don’t do that to Shawn!
Mark: Austin don’t care! He’ll do it on Shawn and he just hit it on Triple H! Another Stunner!
Rhino: That’s 2 DX members down! One more to go!
Mark: Will he stun Chyna? As soon as Austin hit the Stunner on Triple H, Chyna got up and got right in Austin’s face! They are exchanging words and those words are sharp and nasty!
Rhino: You go, girl. Tell that piece of Mr. Clean shit what you feel! Yeah! She just gave Austin a palm reading! Austin’s got that look in his eyes. Don’t even think about it! Don’t do it! NNNOOOO!
Mark: Austin just stunned the shit out of Chyna! It’s about damn time!
Rhino: Chyna just took one for the team!
Mark: What are you talking about?
Rhino: You’ll see!
Mark: HBK and Triple H have manages to get up. Austin goes after HBK. Sweet Chin Music! He didn’t catch Austin fully on but the kick stunned him! Oh man! Triple H hooks him! Pedigree! Cover! 1! 2! 3! We got new tag champions!
Rhino: That is what I meant of taking one for the team! She stalls Austin just enough for HBK and Triple H to recover from the stunners and now because of it, we got new Tag champs.
Mark: I hate to admit it but when you’re right, you’re right. The plan worked to perfection and HBK & Triple H celebrate. Chyna has not moved since getting stunned though. Well, well, well. Would you listen to that?
Rhino: Wolfpac is back for the mass destruction! Wolfpac is in DA HOUSE! Here comes Kevin Nash and Big Poppa Pump!
Mark: I guess this is gonna be more than a DX party now! Man, not again! Nash & Steiner have the microphones now.
KN: Hunter. Heartbreak. We can’t let you celebrate DX style. We’re here. You’re here. Let’s celebrate this Kliq style!
Rhino: A Kliq party! Yeah! Even better!
Mark: I guess a Kliq party is gonna happen. Wait! Steiner just flattened HBK with a Steinerline! Kevin just gave Triple H a big boot! I guess a Kliq party ain’t gonna happen!
Rhino: Say it ain’t so, Kev! Say it ain’t so!
Mark: Nash & Steiner have the sticks again. Now what?
KN: Hey, Shawn. Just like when Scott laid you out like earlier, it was nothing personal. It was just business.
Mark: Big Poppa Pump laid out HBK earlier? Just business? What does he mean?
Rhino: I don’t know. Uh-Oh. Steiner looks like he’s gonna say something.
BPP: Hunter, Shawn, you two pieces of shit! You wanna copy the nWo? You wanna be like the Wolfpac? You realize that when you are nWo, you are nWo for life! You two wanna steal our shit? Well, I think we’ll just steal your shit!
Rhino: What’s he talking about now?
Mark: No clues on this side of the table! Look! Kevin just snatched the Tag Titles up!
Rhino: That’s nothing! Steiner just snagged Chyna!
Mark: The nWo WolfPac just stole the Tag titles and Scott Steiner has kidnapped Chyna! What are they gonna do? What’s gonna happen? I guess we will find out sooner or later. But for now, we’re out of time so good night everybody!