AL SNOW: Welcome to Washington, DC everyone! Welcome to The Killing Field! I’m Al Snow along with Omega….
OMEGA: Your EWA World Heavyweight Champion.
AL SNOW: Huh?
OMEGA: You heard me, bitch.
AL SNOW: Okay. I’m with Omega to bring you the first-ever call for the EWA’s branch off monthly card! Think Joe Gibbs coming back was big? You haven’t seen anything yet!
OMEGA: That’s the murder capital of the world translated for those who live street. Why you think I called this The Killing Field? It’s street life, man. Each step you take, death can come in a second. The branch off is basically for most who’s time fucks ’em in the ass. Most jackasses can’t come to grips that yes, there are things that we do that are personal and take time away.
AL SNOW: There’s only one match for tonight’s card: The Fatal 4-Way Elimination to determine a new EWA Champion. Elimination? Since when?
OMEGA: Since now.
AL SNOW: Being the EWA Champion on the monthly card will be the same as being EWA World Heavyweight Champion on the weekly cards. This is no separation, people. We got everyone watching here. Purg’s got refreshments and weapons covered. Jobber, Bennit, Raven, Payne Killer and a few others are in the front row watching. Hogan, Hunter, Warrior and a few are watching from skyboxes and private rooms. I heard that John Stevens and the rest are watching from the back. Everyone’s here to check out what’s going on and to be more to the point, what Vertigo is looking to be up to.
OMEGA: Yo man, we ain’t here to run our mouths all God damned day. Time fo the action. Let’s get this show goin.’ Get this shit goin’, Jackass.
JACK HEINEKEN: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is to determine a NEW EWA CHAMPION! The referee assigned to this match with be Referee Caesar Artest. I have just been informed that this match is now a FATAL 4-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH!
(“Dirt Off Your Shoulder” by Jay-Z blasts from the P.A. System)
JACK HEINEKEN: First, introducing from New York, New York….THE HITMAN!
AL SNOW: Hitman making his way down to the big match.
OMEGA: Shitman’s a full-on street fighter. A guy who reacts to violence and dishes that shit out if he feels threatened. His version of the gore’s been in one place so far but Shitman’s been experimenting and he says look for variety when he hits The Eliminator tonight. I thought the fucker was tellin’ me all about his homosexuality at first. I really didn’t wanna hear that shit.
AL SNOW: Heineken? I get it!
OMEGA: You all late. His name’s Heineken. In short, it’s heinie. That’s another word for an ass. Jack Heineken: Jackass.
AL SNOW: It’s put up or go out time for Hitman. His luck hasn’t fared that well on the weekly cards but things may change here.
OMEGA: Stop yo yakkin’. Let’s get to the next bitch to walk on down.
(“Sober” by Tool starts up over the P.A. System)
JACK HEINEKEN: And now, introducing from Atlanta, Georgia….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: I think we’re lookin’ at the odds on favorite to become the new EWA Champion.
OMEGA: How you figure that? If I was beast enough to take Verti-Blow’s company, what makes you think he’s gonna come with some war here?
AL SNOW: Just a feeling is all.
OMEGA: Jim Ross you ain’t. Anyway, Verti-Blow is pretty simple to look at. Straightforward extreme. A react-to-environment guy like Shitman. Goes to the same gym with Purg and me but he can’t measure up to my greatness so his style is a lot like that damn psycho I hang out with. The Fear Factor? Even simpler. A Liger Bomb through somethin’.
AL SNOW: Vertigo might just be taking the first step to retaking the alliance back from you.
OMEGA: He’s no idiot, Al. He’ll keep his place and like it.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry now plays through the arena)
JACK HEINEKEN: And now, introducing from Chicago, Illinois…. he is known as THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: This is Al Snow reporting a sighting of an unknown object. Respectfully request assistance of the authorities.
OMEGA: What the hell you talkin’ about? Since I’m the authority, I guess you’re askin’ about Retro Punk info. Nobody knows shit about Retro Punk ‘cept me ’cause I’m God. The little shit’s got a mix of styles. I’ve seen some HBK in him, some RVD in him and some Y2J in him. The only style that don’t got god damned 3 letters is Cowboy Bob Orton. He moves more like Randy but where the hell you think Randy got his shit from? He uses the Brainbuster DDT. Calls it The Cutting Edge. When he’s not makin’ people think about farts, he uses Out With The Old. That’s sorta like a Pedigree into a side slam Double DDT. Looks like it would hurt every other chump in here by me. The only guy here that wrestles with a mask. The son bitch wears that Street Fighter Vega shit. Where the hell’s the damn claw to slice up fuckers? How’s that, Al? You happy with yo fuckin’ bio?
AL SNOW: I’ll just say yes.
OMEGA: You better say yes, bitch. I say, you do. That’s the way it works around here.
(“I Just Don’t Give A Fuck” by Eminem starts to boom from the P.A. System)
JACK HEINEKEN: And now, introducing the final contestant, from Evansville, Indiana….3-FOLD!
AL SNOW: Another EWA rookie making his way onto the monthly card.
OMEGA: No tough enough chump, either.
AL SNOW: What do you have on Mr. Fold, Omega?
OMEGA: 3-Fuck is a six plus footer. There’s a lot of Test and Undertaker style there. He also does the flying and ground balance shit so there’s Billy Kidman right there. He’s also got a DDT but it’s a top rope one. That’s the Third Fold right there. He’ll whip out that Shooting Star Crest on some unexpecting punk but it’s not really all that impressive. I’ve done that and the Frankensteiner as well. Name a lucha move and I can do it. I’m the fuckin’ man ’round these parts and right now, I’m hatin’ on 3-Fuck. Be right back, Al. Got some business to kill.
AL SNOW: I’m not gonna even ask where Omega is going. I’ll just set right here in the photo shop and see what develops.
OMEGA (in ring): Listen up, shits, before that fuckin’ bell rings, I want you four bastards to look at that belt the ref is holdin’. Despite what you’ve been told, you ARE NOT fighting for that. I don’t have to stand here and tell you what you’re really fighting for but if you don’t give me you’re all, your asses are kicked personally by me. That means you, Verigo. That means you, Retro Playa. That means you, Hitman. And that means….
AL SNOW: OH! Omega just unloaded with a big kick right to his face!
OMEGA (voice): You don’t ever no show an event of mine, fucker! Ever!
AL SNOW: Omega has just taken down 3-Fold! A six foot seven man taken out in the blink of an eye! 3-Fold is six feet seven and looks like a small child next to Omega. One kick and 3-Fold looks out of it. Omega does have a martial arts backround. He knows where to kick, how to kick, and can control the force behind his kicks. That one kick busted 3-Fold wide open and he has that glazed look in his eye. Omega’s got him by the face. Not a Claw Slam! He’s up! CLAW SLAM! Man! Omega just picked up a six foot seven guy by the face with one arm and dunked him like a human basketball! 3-Fold is a heap of goo right now. Omega’s got the microphone again.
OMEGA (microphoned voice): Ring the bell, bitch. One ya’ll fuckers finish up what I started.
AL SNOW: Omega leaves the ring, there’s the bell; and whoa! Whoa! Vertigo starts this off quick as Omega comes back to the best seat in the house. Did you see those quick shots Vertigo landed, Omega?
OMEGA: Nah, I missed it. Too busy takin’ out the fuckin’ trash.
AL SNOW: He kicked Retro low and caught Hitman right in the throat.
OMEGA: And he’s workin’ over Shitman with punches and chops. Big fuckin’ deal.
AL SNOW: WWWOOO!
OMEGA: Don’t say that shit. Leave it to the professional.
AL SNOW: Retro’s trying to get himself together there. Vertigo must think Hitman’s on fire the way he’s stompin’ on him.
OMEGA: H. A. H. A. funny. Verti-Blow’s on the move.
AL SNOW: He’s goin’ over. Might be lookin’ to dish out some more damage to Retro. Oh man! Ding dong, the witch is dead!
OMEGA: Payback’s a bitch and a kick to the nuts.
AL SNOW: Retro returning the favor Vertigo gave him earlier. ELIMINATOR! Hitman just hit Vertigo full steam with the Eliminator! Looks like he hit him square in the stomach!
OMEGA: That shit was on purpose, too. Retro’s on Shitman now.
AL SNOW: Vertigo just about out of it from that Eliminator delivered to his gut. 3-Fold is just now twichin’ after what you did to him and now, Retro is turnin’ Hitman into a kickball.
OMEGA: Man, I didn’t even punk 3-Fuck like that. If he’s got any EWA in ’em at all, he’d get up from that little bitch slap I gave him.
AL SNOW: Bitch slap?
OMEGA: Prevent the retard part of your brain from repeatin’ my genius, asshole. I got control. I know force and I know how to apply that shit. If either one of those three bastards in the ring were smart, they woulda covered 3-Fuck fast. He’s gonna recover quick if they don’t get to hoppin.
AL SNOW: Retro’s got Hitman hooked. Gutwrench Powerbomb! Cover! 1! 2! Hitman kicks out!
OMEGA: ‘Bout time someone threw a move.
AL SNOW: Retro’s not wasting time. He immediately locks an STF in and now Referee Artest is asking Hitman if he gives. 3-Fold is back up! He’s heading toward Vertigo. Picks him up! Suplex! No! He suplexed him on the top rope!
OMEGA: Third Fold, Verti-Blow! You better do somethin’!
AL SNOW: That’s the move I think is coming as well. 3-Fold setting up for the Third Fold but he’s goin’ slow about it.
OMEGA: Claw Slams fuck with your mobility. I dunked his ass and that ain’t nothin’ to get up quick from.
AL SNOW: 3-Fold trying to set up for Third Fold. Both men are just barely balancing on that top turnbuckle.
OMEGA: Fall, damn it. FALL!
AL SNOW: Both men are teetering on the top rope. Vertigo has 3-Fold hooked!
OMEGA: Pay attention. This is gonna be good.
AL SNOW: I can’t! Hitman broke out of Retro’s STF and is all on him now!
OMEGA: You got Vertigo up over here with 3-Fold hooked in what’s obviously gonna be a Fear Factor off the very top rope and all you can talk about is how Hitman is whippin’ Retro’s ass all the sudden?
AL SNOW: Vertigo has 3-Fold hooked! Fear Factor from the top? LOOK OUT! FEAR FACTOR INTO THE INTERNATIONAL ANNOUNCE TABLE FROM THE INSIDE OUT! GOOD GRIEF!
OMEGA: Try “Holy Shit.” It works a whole lot better.
AL SNOW: Let’s….what’s this?
OMEGA: Read it, jackass.
AL SNOW: Let’s see this in a “Holy Fuckin’ Flashback!”
OMEGA: Yeah. Callin’ it “instant replay” sucks ass.
AL SNOW: Vertigo hooks 3-Fold, manages to turn him and get enough distance to Fear Factor him right into the international announce table!
OMEGA: Made the Spanish say “Ay Caramba” and made the French guy go we-we on himself.
AL SNOW: Vertigo and 3-Fold are destroyed out here!
OMEGA: Never mind those bastards. Looks like Hitman has decided to pick things up a bit.
AL SNOW: It’s the Spiked Chair Hitman said he would use in this match! Retro has no idea! OH MAN! Retro catches it in the chest with the spiked chair! Another hit on the back of Retro puts him down!
OMEGA: The mask can hide what he look like but can’t hide the fact that right now, he’s screamin’ like a little bitch.
AL SNOW: Vertigo tries a cover on 3-Fold! 1! 2! No! I thought 3-Fold was done!
OMEGA: Just because someone hits a finisher don’t mean the match is over.
AL SNOW: Vertigo tried to cover but couldn’t put enough body on 3-Fold. Here comes Hitman!
OMEGA: He got his spike chair friend with him too.
AL SNOW: I can’t believe 3-Fold is getting to his feet! How tough is this guy?
OMEGA: Tough enough to be on my card.
AL SNOW: ELIMINATOR! Hitman just delivered The Eliminator full speed on 3-Fold! Hitman held the spike side of the chair away from his face and ran into 3-Fold like a Spiked Human Battering Ram!
OMEGA: That’s how you do shit around here! Get fuckin’ ruthless!
AL SNOW: 3-Fold has got to be out of it! Hitman goes for the pin out here! Why is Artest counting? 1! 2! 3! 3-Fold is eliminated!
JACK HEINEKEN: 3-Fold has been eliminated!
OMEGA: Is there a fuckin’ echo in here?
AL SNOW: Are falls counted everywhere, Omega?
OMEGA: You think that I’m just gonna allow falls to be in the ring? Who the fuck you think I am?
AL SNOW: Hitman a bit dazed because his head hit that chair as well.
OMEGA: At least he didn’t catch the part 3-Fuck did.
AL SNOW: The trainers helping 3-Fold to the back. I think I see Retro dragging himself up now. Everybody is bleeding here. Hitman, puts the spiked chair down. Now, trying to pick Vertigo up. European Uppercut counter! Vertigo counters! FEAR FACTOR right on top of the steel steps! Hitman has gotta feel he just landed on steel hell!
OMEGA: Steel Hell? I said it before and I’ll just let you try to remember ’cause I don’t like to repeat myself.
AL SNOW: Vertigo still has him hooked! Cover! Artest is there! 1! 2! 3! Hitman’s out of here!
JACK HEINEKEN: The Hitman has been eliminated!
AL SNOW: Look at this; The H.F.F. showin’ Hitman going into those steel steps and screaming in pain as he slides off! Those steel steps have no give at all! Hitman may be injured here!
OMEGA: You might be, too. H. F. F. my A.S.S. you F.U.C.K.E.R.
AL SNOW: It’s down to Vertigo, who’s draggin’ himself up into the ring as we speak and Retro Playa, who’s in the ring waiting.
OMEGA: And look what’s layin’ down in that bitch; a bed of nails. We don’t just keep tables under the ring, man.
AL SNOW: Vertigo, pouring his heart out in this match but Retro is ready. Kick to the gut. Is this a Front Face Piledriver? NO! OUT WITH THE OLD! Retro just hit his signature move!
OMEGA: Retro smells blood. He’s lookin’ for Vertigo to kill.
AL SNOW: Retro, who is bleedin’ from the body, now picks up Vertigo, who is full on with the crimson mask. CUTTING EDGE! Retro Playa hits the Cutting Edge! Artest is in position! 1! 2! NO! VERTIGO KICKED OUT OF THE CUTTING EDGE!
OMEGA: What did I just say earlier, man?
AL SNOW: I can’t see his face but I bet Retro can’t believe it!
OMEGA: Under that mask, he’s tired, he’s frustrated, and he couldn’t be happier. Instinct is startin’ to kick in. He’s lookin’ to turn the heat up ’cause look as what he’s dragged nearby.
AL SNOW: The bed of nails. If Retro can drive Vertigo into the bed of nails with another Cutting Edge, I think there will be a new champion. Retro Playa sets Vertigo up again. This could be it. Vertigo is fighting. Quick elbow! Not again! FEAR FACTOR ONTO THE BED OF NAILS! Vertigo may have this won here!
OMEGA: Verti-Blow’s been usin’ that Fear Factor left and right, huh? Man, now what?
AL SNOW: The lights have gone completely out. Nobody can see a thing. What’s that music?
OMEGA: “Mack Militant.” I don’t remember signin’ Teddy Long, Mark Henry or Rodney Mack.
AL SNOW: The lights come back on. HOLY SHIT!
OMEGA: That wasn’t so hard, was it?
AL SNOW: Look who it is, Omega!
OMEGA: Surprise, surprise. Bet you thought you’d never see Jay Mack again, huh?
AL SNOW: Jay Mack is standing in the ring holding a cracked motorcycle’s helmet! Vertigo is down! Did he hit Vertigo in that blackout?
OMEGA: Looks that way to me. Where the hell is he goin’?
AL SNOW: Jay just hopped the guard rail and is leaving. Why?
OMEGA: Guess he feels his job is done.
AL SNOW: Referee Artest has no idea what happened! Vertigo is flat on his back and now, Retro is crawling toward him to try for a pin! He’s almost there! He’s got an arm on him Artest with the cover! 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
JACK HEINEKEN: Here is your winner….AND NEW EWA CHAMPION….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: The rookie, the unknown factor, the mystery man pulls it out here! Jay Mack has just screwed Vertigo out of the EWA Championship! What the hell?
OMEGA: The glass shattering? That can only be one guy.
AL SNOW: STONE COLD! STEVE AUSTIN HAS RETURNED TO THE EWA!
OMEGA: Not a guy who wastes a lot of time, either.
AL SNOW: He gets in the ring. Is he gonna congratulate Retro Playa? NO! STUNNER! Retro Playa just got inverted by the Stunner!
OMEGA: D. T. A. ya stupid bastard!
AL SNOW: And Austin has a microphone.
OMEGA: Damn it. I don’t wanna hear fuckin’ “what’s” all damn day.
AUSTIN: I just thought you’d like to know, (WHAT?) that ol’ Stone Cold, (WHAT?) is here, (WHAT?) not to just drink beer, (WHAT?) not to just whip somebody’s ass, (WHAT?) but to become THE NEXT EWA CHAMPION! (Crowd cheers)
AL SNOW: Austin makin’ his intentions known tonight.
OMEGA: Way to work for the belt, jackass.
AUSTIN: Now, before I get to drinkin’, (WHAT?) there’s someone who I want to call to this ring. (WHAT?) Not tomorrow, (WHAT?) not yesterday, (WHAT?) not the year 2003, (WHAT?) but RIGHT NOW, (WHAT?) because I got something to say. (WHAT?) Omega, (WHAT?) I see your big ass over there, (WHAT?) I need to say somethin’ to ya, right now!
OMEGA: No he didn’t.
AL SNOW: Yes, he did.
OMEGA: Well, Al, this fucker tries some shit? Get ready for a new pair of rattlesnake boots.
AL SNOW: The EWA President is in the ring with Steve Austin. This could get messy.
OMEGA: What the fuck you want, man? I should kick yo ass for stunnin’ my new champion here but I like that shit ’cause I know payback’s gonna be a bitch. Why you call me into my domain?
AUSTIN: I call you in this ring not to be friends, (WHAT?) amigos, (WHAT?) compadres, (WHAT?) buddies, (WHAT?) or anything like that. (WHAT?) Hell, I didn’t even call you in this ring to thank you, (WHAT?) for the opportunity, (WHAT?) to come onto the EWA monthly events, (WHAT?) because you’re one of the few men, (WHAT?) with the guts, (WHAT?) to tell me to my face, (WHAT?) exactly where, (WHAT?) I can shove my thank you! (WHAT? Crowd cheers again)
AL SNOW: Oh boy.
OMEGA: Is there a point to this bullshit? I didn’t come into the ring to hear “what” every fuckin’ time you take a pause.
AUSTIN: Point? (WHAT?) The point is, (WHAT?) that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, (Crowd Cheers) I SAID “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN. (another pop) was wonderin’ if you’d drink with him.
OMEGA: Drink? Sure. My event is done. Ain’t nothin’ left to do but after-party.
AUSTIN: Well then, (WHAT?) give me some damn beers timekeeper, (WHAT?) and let’s get this party started!
(The timekeeper tosses two beers to Austin. He opens both and gives Omega one.)
AUSTIN: DC, (WHAT?) Let the party….
OMEGA: Hold up.
AL SNOW: What?
OMEGA: What the hell is this? (Crowd boos). A beer? Not only that but ONE FUCKIN’ BEER! How the hell am I supposed to get drunk off of one beer? Austin, this ain’t WWE, man. This is the EWA. If ya gonna get drunk, we don’t fuck around here. Yo Smith, toss the real shit in here!
(The timekeeper tosses in….Alcohol flasks.)
OMEGA: Now this is how you get drunk. Retro, when you wake up, I’ll be by your after-party to drink more.
AUSTIN: Let the party begin….AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE….’CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!
AL SNOW: Austin and Omega are downing the alcohol! I guess this makes ’em Alchoholics! YEAH! Ladies and gentlemen, we have zero time left! Goodnight, all! See ya next month!