AL SNOW: Hello and welcome to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Home of Eagles who are apparently not here. Jacksonville? I heard they were going there. I’m Al Snow and joining me is the ever-controversial Omega! Boss, what’s going to happen with Shane McMahon?
OMEGA: What do you care? I ain’t gonna tell you. I’m doin’ things. That’s all you need to know Mr. Former EWA Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion. By the way, Patriots 24, Eagles 21. Patriots Super Bowl Champions again. 39 and feelin’ fine. Eagles are good but Patriots have danced too much.
AL SNOW: Hey, you and I both no there was nothing short of an injustice what happened! It’s okay. It’s all about The EvenFlow And Snow Connection now. The same way I helped bring wrestling and extreme back to the EWA Undisputed World Heavyweight Championship, I’ll help put a solid face on the EWA Tag Division.
OMEGA: You gotta rely on that fuck Hasbeen….Raven to everyone else. The same fuck who can’t amount to shit no matter what
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Your referee for the evening will be TYLENE BUCK! Introducing first, from Baltimore, Maryland….RYAN STEVENS!
(“Born With Nothing, Die With Everything” by Papa Roach blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: Ryan Stevens has been nothing short of being absolutely silent since his controversial loss to Christian.
OMEGA: Wasn’t nothin’ controversial about it. He lost and ‘cuz he can’t handle it, he went into mute hissy-fit.
AL SNOW: Stevens at least looks ready. Since I know who I’m sittin’ next to, what can we expect tonight?
OMEGA: Let’s just say that Fuckie’s got a special surprise for Cryin’ Ryan.
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent, from Anaheim, California….he is The Future…..FRANKIE KAZARIAN!
(“Future Shock” by White Zombie blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: What is that noise? HOLY SHIT! FRANKIE HAS A CHAIN SAW!
OMEGA: I wonder where he got that from?
AL SNOW: Frankie coming down to the ring with a chain saw and Ryan looking to get out of here. Omega arguing with Ryan. Hands him a chair. What good will a metal chair….a chair with a metal baseball bat taped to the back. Ryan taking the bat into the ring now as Tylene Buck calls for the bell. Frankie and Ryan with their weapons. They’re talking about something.
OMEGA: Damn it. I wanna see some Resident Evil 4 or San Andreas shit.
AL SNOW: Looks like Frankie is saying he’ll put the chain saw down if Ryan puts the bat down.
OMEGA: Do it at the same time.
AL SNOW: And it looks that way. Both men are putting their weapons down simultaneously. RYAN CHARGES RIGHT INTO A FLAPJACK ON THE CHAIN SAW!
OMEGA: And you know that chain saw is hot as hell so Cryan Stevens is fryin’ and cryin’.
AL SNOW: SO-CAL! Kazarian’s version of the Tazmission! Is this a message to Taz? Kazarian with a body scissors! Stevens with nowhere to go as his mouth is busted open! Tylene’s in position! She’s askin’ Stevens if he gives!
OMEGA: If only the chain saw was in cut mode. We coulda seen a Cryan Split.
AL SNOW: Ryan fading fast to the So-Cal. Stevens taps! It’s Over!
OMEGA: It’s about damn time. Shawn Miclone got his ass handed to him.
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by way of submission….”THE FUTURE” FRANKIE KAZARIAN!
AL SNOW: Frankie Kazarian with a dominating return to the month card making short work of Ryan Stevens.
OMEGA: RYAN STEVENS, YOU’RE FIRED!
AL SNOW: Fired? Wait, where are you going?
OMEGA: Got business to take care of. It’s why I’m President and everyone else just pretends. Be right back. Foley’s gonna come down here. I’ll be back to call the main event. Later, bitch.
Next 2 matches written by firstname.lastname@example.org. Edits by me.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen this next match is to determine the NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS MATCH TO THE EWA WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP AND IS A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! Your referee for the evening will be ROB VAN DAM! Introducing first, from Londonderry, New Hampshire….representing DX, she is the self-professed 9th Wonder Of The World….CHYNA!
(“Who I Am” by WWE Productions blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: Chyna making her way down here as I await Mick Foley. THE REUNION OF HEAD, SOCK, SHINS AND PLOWS IS EMINENT! Chyna getting into the ring to once again go for the EWA Women’s Championship. Here comes Mick. Hurry up! You’re gonna hold up the entrances!
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the second contender, from Cincinnati, Ohio….CANDACE ROOKER!
(“Real Good Girl” by WWE Productions blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: The new girl on the block, so to speak. Candace Rooker making her EWA debut and no doubt she’s a bundle of nerves. You set, Mick?
MICK FOLEY: Yeah! Can you hear me, Al?
AL SNOW: I can hear you.
MICK FOLEY: Can you hear me right here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania? I might have to get to work fast judging on the ice dagger stares Candace and Chyna are exchanging.
KITANA BAKER: And introducing the final contestant, from Koshigaya, Japan….accompanied to the ring by her second, Scott Norton, she is MEGUMI KUDO!
(“It Came From Japan” by The Von Bondies blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: We’re in Philly, Mick. No need for a cheap pop here.
MICK FOLEY: Hey Al, why is Megumi bringing down Mount Fuji with her? Oh, that’s Scott Norton.
AL SNOW: Megumi wanting to bring some of that Japanese brand of extreme to the EWA.
MICK FOLEY: And for those calling her a “Female Foley,” I can assure you that I would never look that good in wrestling tights.
Al Snow: This should be a good bout, Mick.
Mick Foley: I agree Al. There’s some tension in the ring as Chyna waits for one of them to make a move. Megumi sizing up Candace.
Al: Candace looks a bit uncertain what to do so goes to lock up with Megumi.
Mick: Chyna waiting watching as Megumi with a Japanese arm drag. She holds on and brings Candace back to her feet wrenching the arm one time then pulling on it and working it as Megumi steps over the arm with a right leg and jumps up and then down crashing the arm bringing Candace to her feet.
Al: Nice technical wrestling there. Megumi ducks her head rolls forward; catching Candace’s chin with her heel as she flips her over and now has an arm bar on Candace!
Mick: Leave it to Megumi to show us good mat wrestling. Chyna with a big elbow to chest of Megumi and the hold is broken!
Al: Chyna is on Candace with a few stomps to the back she picks Candace up. DDT!
Mick: Look! Subway just came down to front row! Must wanna see Lita kick some family butt.
Al: I guess or maybe just here to support his lady. Megumi with standing drop-kick to Chyna. And another! Chyna staggers back to the ropes and slips between top and second rope and falls to the outside.
Mick: She’s up as Megumi off the ropes runs jumps over top rope and down onto Chyna both are on the ground.
Al: Candace on the top turnbuckle and is waiting for them to get up and CROSS-BODY! Chyna caught her!
Mick: Not good for her and Chyna rams her into the post and then throws her back into ring!
Al: Megumi is charging Chyna gets a boot up. Subway on edge of his seat trying not show interest as Megumi hits the floor hard.
Mick: Chyna gets to the ring apron and is met with a chop by Candace. No effect. Chyna blocks the next one and grabs her by the hair in frustration pulls her through the second and top rope. CHOKESLAM OFF THE APRON!
Al: Candace is out of this match now. She’s got a lot to learn. Megumi is pulling herself together as she makes her way to the ring.
Mick: Chyna is all over her with powerful forearms to the back and now a body slam!
Al: Chyna showing her power as she “woman” handles Megumi!
Mick: Interesting, but true Al. Nice call. Chyna now. Suplex on Megumi and holds on for another and GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB! Hunter must be working with Chyna more.
Al: Head saw a boob pop out! I got an idea for a new fan base! Chyna with a cover! 1……………2……….Candace barely breaks the count as Megumi may have got the wind knocked out of her.
Mick: Candace firing away at Chyna and she is staggered back to corner. Comes in. Monkey Flip out of the corner and turns around into the waiting arms of Megumi. KUDOME DRIVER! She covers 1……………2………….3! NO! Chyna with an elbow shot to the back of the head.
Al: Chyna with a toss out of the ring and she is following right behind her. Chyna with a hammering shot to Megumi’s back, now picks her up and drops her across the railing!
Mick: Candace has a Trash Can. Go get her! I like this Candace. SHE’S HARDCORE! SHE’S HARDCORE!
Al: Mick, please stop that. And a big shot to Chyna on the back and another Candace looking to get a head shot and NO! Chyna grabs it and gives Candace a head shot!
Mick: SHE DENTED THE CAN! THAT’S GREAT! Chyna throws the can down and picks up Candace. POWERBOMB OVER THE RAILING AND CANDACE LANDS AT THE FANS FEET!
Al: Don’t be a fool, Head! That could’ve been you! Oh, whatever. Anyway, Chyna gets back into the ring followed by Megumi but she has a Kendo Stick and swings at Chyna and misses as Chyna kicks to the Gut and….PEDIGREE! NO!
Mick: Back Drop by Megumi that took everything she had and is face down on the mat as Chyna gets up and goes for the Kendo stick and is yelling at Megumi to get up!
Al: Vicious shot on Megumi as she is down but right back up! Sub is even standing as well as the rest of this crowd! Megumi said do it again and Chyna does and down goes Kudo!
Mick: I never thought I see this side of Chyna. Megumi now fighting to get up as she is bleeding form her right side temple!
Al: Megumi explodes off the ropes and gives Chyna a big roaring Forearm! Chyna rocked by it and drops the stick as she was stunned at how tough such a small thing can be as well as us!
Mick: FMW watchers know different. Megumi is going for the Kudome Driver and Chyna blocks it and Chyna with a TORTURE RACK! Megumi fights out of it slides down the back going for a roll up…and 1………..2…….kick out by Chyna!
Al: Chyna with a Low-blow but not the full effect but Megumi felt it and Pedigree! NO! Powerbomb attempt! Megumi struggles and punches away at Chyna!
Mick: Chyna staggering backwards and falls back Megumi grabs the leg! RVD in position! 1……………2………………..3! Candace was too late! She made the break but too late! Megumi Kudo is number one contender to the eWa Women’s World Championship!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner and NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE EWA WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP….MEGUMI KUDO!
Al: Good job by Megumi and on Chyna’s and Candace’s part. Now, let’s find out who Megumi will face next month: Trisa or the current champion Lita!
Mick: Subway looks happy as Norton is helping Megumi out of the ring.
AL SNOW: Chyna and Candace making their way out the ring as we get set for the EWA Women’s Championship.
MICK FOLEY: Ladders make it unfair to Trisa. Doesn’t anyone remember Team Extreme?
AL SNOW: It’s not just a ladder match. It’s Trick Ladder. The ladders could fall apart at any given time.
MICK FOLEY: And it all depends on how much weight is on the ladder too if I remember right. We’re not here to babble. Let’s get to Kitana.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is for the EWA WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP AND IS A TRICK LADDER MATCH! Your referee for the evening will be SCOTT HALL! Introducing first, the challenger, from Yonkers, New York….TRISA!
(“Scream” by Dave Hollister blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: I thought Scott Hall quit. Why is he a ref in this?
MICK FOLEY: Maybe he thought having one of the forefathers of the Ladder Match here was something to do. BEULAH SIGHTING!
AL SNOW: She’s not called that anymore. She’s Trisa now. Raven’s one and only confidant and proud member of THE EVENFLOW AND SNOW CONNECTION! YAY!
MICK FOLEY: Trisa nervous and ready and I say this: THE ROCK AND SOCK CONNECTION WAS BETTER!
KITANA BAKER: And now, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida….representing the Subway Network, introducing the EWA WOMEN’S CHAMPION….LITA!
(“Lovefurypassionenergy” by Boy Hits Car blasts through Lincoln Financial Field)
AL SNOW: Lita pumped and ready to go. Was not.
MICK FOLEY: Yeah, she’s coming to defend her newly won title for the first time. Was too.
AL SNOW: I wonder if she saw Subway’s reaction to Megumi Kudo? Was not infinity.
MICK FOLEY: A part of her understands but she knows that she’s with Subway now. Was too infinity plus one.
Al Snow: Here we go; Lita and Trisa for the EWA Women’s Title. Lita in the face trash talking as Trisa is trash talking back.
Mick Foley: Lita shoves Trisa. Trisa pushes Lita but Lita starts to smile.
Al: Kick to the gut of Trisa and a DDT! Trisa laid out! Lita off the ropes and Senton splash!
Mick: Lita grabbing a ladder form the outside as she blows a kiss in Subway’s direction. Sub smiles. Throws ladder inside ring.
Al: Trisa is up and sees the ladder as she Raven-style drop-kicks Lita as she makes her way in the ring then goes for the ladder picks it up high as she can a drops it across Lita’s chest!
Mick: Lita holding her chest now as Trisa throws the ladder down and begins smashing Lita’s head against ladder. Trisa is psycho on her right now.
Al: Trisa now setting up the ladder in one corner. Lita is busted open above right eye but not too bad. She is up as Trisa charges in with a short clothesline.
Mick: Body slam by Trisa. Impressive. Raven must have worked with Trisa for this contest as Trisa now body slams Lita again but this time on the ladder leaning in the corner!
Al: Lita’s world is upside down right now as Sub is watching closely as Trisa from opposite side of ring with big jumping splash….NO! LITA ROLLED OFF and Trisa goes face first into ladder!
Mick: Trisa bleeding from the mouth. Lita pounds her face against ladder few more times then dumps Trisa and the ladder OVER TO THE OUTSIDE!
Al: Lita with fire in her eyes is on a roll she is on the apron waiting for Trisa to get up who know holding her back and arm! LITACANRANNA to Trisa and Trisa down again on the outside as Lita plays to the crowd. Lita heads back in to the ladder as she begins to climb but third step just broke away as she hangs on, Trick Ladder has began!
Mick: Love these two beautiful ladies tearing each other apart! Another step broken! Lita gets frustrated as Trisa sees this and rolls in the ring jumps and grabs the other side of ladder and KICKS throughout the center as Lita comes crashing down getting her leg caught on way down.
Al: Trisa now carefully climbs to the top and YES! MOONSAULT! NO! LADDER COMPLETELY COLLAPSED AND TRISA IS DOWN!
Mick: Both are laying in a pile of broken ladder pieces as Scott Hall checks them both out.
Al: Lita trying to pull it together as Sub and the fans rally behind her. Lita has has one of those broken off steps and is choking out Trisa. Lita clears out some of the ring as Trisa gets her breath back.
Mick: Lita limps to outside again getting a fresh ladder sets it up picks up Trisa and Suplex on one of the broken parts she left in the ring. Holds on and another! And a third. Lita wearing Trisa’s body down now going to the fresh ladder and starts to climb slow and carefully…Trisa is right behind her on other side. Got a feeling they’re going to meet at the top, don’t you Al?
Al: I second that and there almost there as Lita waits for Trisa to get the first punch in I am sure. Yes! There we go! Lita nailing Trisa as she fights to get level with Lita and starts giving some back to Lita and a BIG chop the crowd gave a little “Wooo!” on that one.
Mick: Trisa pulling something from her tights and just gouged it in Lita’s forehead as Lita begins to bleed badly. Subway just stood up as Lita just fell from the top and hit the mat hard as opportunity knocks for Trisa! She sees the title dangling there! All she has to do is grab it! She takes a step to get higher and NO! It broke!
Al: She’s hanging on as Lita fighting to get herself together, Trisa struggling, no doubt weak from this brutal bout so far. Lita is on one knee and SHE TIPPED THE LADDER! MICK MOVE! SHE’S HEADED RIGHT FOR US!
*At this point Mick and Al bail for there location as Trisa is flying at there position and comes crashing through the commentator’s table set up ring side! They take a minute to get headsets back as Lita already has the ladder reset and is climbing up.*
Mick: Damn, Al! Almost killed me! My first guest appearance with you! Hahahahaha!
Al: Good fun Mick, huh?
Mick: You know it, Al!
Al: We’re not Spanish but back to it. Lita is at the top. Trisa laying in a pile of broken wood at our feet. Lita is at the top as she manages to get to very top a very bloody and sore Lita standing tall as she taunts to fans and THE LADDER’S BREAKING! LITA JUMPS AND LEAPS AT THE TITLE! SHE GOT IT!
Mick: She has no place to go! The ladder fell and she is hanging from the cord the title is hanging on and SNAP! There goes that as LITA comes crashing down on top of the Trick Ladder…painful trick but she did it, Al! What a match! Subway jumped the rail and is in the ring celebrating with Lita.
KITANA BAKER: HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND STILL EWA WOMEN’S CHAMPION….LITA!
AL SNOW: Lita with one hell of a defense as she leaves the ring with Subway and the crew working fast to clean up the ladder pieces. Trisa, amazingly starting to go back as the fans give her a standing ovation. Here comes the table crew as they set the tables for the Scaffold Battle Royal and here comes Omega. I guess that’s your que to leave, Mick.
Mick Foley: Thanks, Al. Been a blast, buddy. HAVE A NICE DAY!
Al: Take care, Mick. See you next month as Omega makes his way down.
OMEGA: Yo. What the fuck happened to the table?
AL SNOW: Trisa happened to the table. Didn’t you watch the match?
OMEGA: I might have turned away for a second. I’ll see it. The crew’s fast so far. We already set for the main event.
AL SNOW: And with that, we go to Kitana Baker for the announcement.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! THIS CONTEST IS FOR THE EWA CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD AND IS A SCAFFOLD BATTLE ROYAL!
(“The Scaffold” by Rage blasts through Lincoln Financial Field as Hardcore Theater gives people a picture of the competitors on the scaffold)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing the contenders: CRAZED MANIAC! TAZ! JOE MAZARANNO! JEFF HARDY! PURGATORY! BERSERK! THE DARK ONE! PRODIGY! THE RETRO PLAYA! RANDY ORTON! FINALLY, THE CURRENT EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO! Gentlemen, at the start of the bell, you may begin the SCAFFOLD BATTLE ROYAL! (ding!)
AL SNOW: Here we go! The Scaffold Battle Royal begins and EVERYBODY JUMPS VERTIGO!
OMEGA: Hey, you get rid of the champion first. Look at Jeff Hardly-Worth-A-Shit and Burgertory. They just talkin’ away. No fuckin’ clue.
AL SNOW: Here come Jeff Hardy and Purgatory trying to fight off that mass trying to eliminate Vertigo.
OMEGA: 9 versus Burgertory just seems damn unfair. Especially if his ass reps for one damn time in his life. All this over a fuckin’ bet.
AL SNOW: Rumors are circulating that Purgatory will try to bet Jeff Hardy and Vertigo on who will make the best dive off the scaffold. The fighting looks to be thinning out. I see Maniac fighting Orton, Playa fighting Taz, Berserk fighting Prodigy and Mazaranno fighting Dark One. Ironically, Purg, Hardy and Vertigo have all paired off and aren’t doing anything but talking. Is Vertigo smoking during a match?
OMEGA: Yeah? So? Leave it to those three to talk about mid-air flips in the heat of battle.
AL SNOW: It’s chaotic up there. Jeff Hardy’s lip already busted open. Vertigo bleeding from his left eye. Purg, from his right. Everybody else looks like they may be internally bleeding. Everyone’s fighting except for Hardy, Vertigo and Purg who are all going over their dives off the scaffold. The only guy who looks like he’s building anything is Randy Orton. Orton really sticking those European Uppercuts into Crazed Maniac. Orton rolling here. Orton with a modified spinebuster and now, he’s calling for the RKO! Orton is going for broke in his version of the Ace Cutter. RK….NO! Maniac pushes him off and Orton crashes into the tables down here! We’ve got our first elimination!
KITANA BAKER: RANDY ORTON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY CRAZED MANIAC!
OMEGA: Boreton got eliminated by I Love A Man Crazediac? RANDY ORTON, YOU’RE FIRED!
AL SNOW: Apprentice fever?
OMEGA: Nah. Just sick and tired of worthless fucks.
AL SNOW: We are down to eight as Maniac makes an elimination. Taz now cut across the chest by Retro Playa’s claw. SPEAR OUTTA NOWHERE BY MANIAC! Maniac trying to eliminate everyone! Meanwhile, it looks like Vertigo, Jeff Hardy and Purgatory have worked something out as they are all splitting up and going to try and fight.
OMEGA: Hurry up in the ring, bitches.
AL SNOW: We got a large crew helping Orton out as table debris is being cleared to make way for new tables to be set up.
OMEGA: Like I said, they need to hurry up.
AL SNOW: As quickly as I turn my attention, it looks like we’ve got another elimination about to happen. Mazaranno and Prodigy both carrying Vertigo on their shoulders. Both men trying to eliminate Vertigo. Vertigo kicking for all his worth and he executes a DOUBLE DDT! Playa trying to slice into Jeff with that claw but Jeff dodging. Berserk and Dark One double teaming Purgatory and Maniac getting wailed on by Taz. Look at that. LOOK AT THAT! There goes Mazaranno! There goes Prodigy! Vertigo with a dual elimination!
KITANA BAKER: PRODIGY AND JOE MAZARANNO HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED BY VERTIGO!
OMEGA: They’re sucking up my alliance. So-Joe’s fired. Produgly has one more chance to prove himself.
AL SNOW: Prodigy and Joe Mazaranno are out as we are left with Vertigo, Taz, Crazed Maniac, Berserk, The Dark One, The Retro Playa and Purgatory. Vertigo and Taz fighting it out. Maniac and Berserk as well. Retro and Dark are paired off and Purgatory still down from that Old World Alliance beating. Berserk and Maniac really wailing away at each other. TAZ WITH THE TAZMISSION ON VERTIGO!
OMEGA: Smart move.
AL SNOW: Taz trying to choke Vertigo out to throw him off the scaffold as Dark One was on the wrong end of the claw as he is slashed on the leg by Retro Playa. Purgatory holding his knee. He may have tweaked it. OUCH! I heard that all the way from here!
OMEGA: Why go to a doctor when you can pop the bone back in place?
AL SNOW: Jeff Hardy just hit a running drop-kick on Retro Playa and he went out!
KITANA BAKER: THE RETRO PLAYA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY JEFF HARDY!
OMEGA: Some other fuck is about to go too.
AL SNOW: Maniac hanging on the edge for dear life as Berserk almost has him out! Maniac trying to hold on! There he goes! Maniac’s gone! Berserk pushed by behind and eliminated by Taz! Where’d he come from?
KITANA BAKER: CRAZED MANIAC HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY BERSERK! BERSERK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY TAZ!
OMEGA: The workers gotta kick into double time now.
AL SNOW: It’s down to The Dark One, Purgatory, Vertigo, Taz and Jeff Hardy now. Hardy and Dark One double teaming Purgatory one more time.
OMEGA: So much for the bet. It’s about the belt now.
AL SNOW: Taz once again locking on the TazMission on Vertigo, this time from a standing position. Vertigo trying to hang on. Vertigo at a stand up view. What are Hardy and Dark One doing? Hardy and Dark One about to eliminate Purgatory! Jeff Hardy and The Dark One both have Purgatory up! NO! They lawn dart him into Vertigo and Taz! Both men go down and off the scaffold as Purgatory lands on the scaffold hurt by the move!
KITANA BAKER: VERTIGO AND TAZ HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED BY PURGATORY!
OMEGA: That counts as a Burgertory elimination? Well, I won’t argue with Kitana. Provided she passes me a piece of that kit-kat bar.
AL SNOW: We are down to Jeff Hardy, The Dark One and Purgatory and OOOHHH MAN! Jeff just got a low blow NNNNOOOO! Dark One tosses Jeff Hardy off the scaffold!
KITANA BAKER: JEFF HARDY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY THE DARK ONE!
OMEGA: That’s what Hardly-Worth-A-Shit gets. What happened? Brood flashback?
AL SNOW: And now, we know for sure. Either The Dark One or Purgatory will become the new EWA Champion of the world. The Dark One grabs Purgatory by his Dragon Ball Do. Picks him up. BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Dark One trying to wrap this up here. Dark One in complete control and Purgatory having no offense.
OMEGA: Just because he hasn’t been able to fight back doesn’t mean he has a plan. Look at that damn goofy grin. He’s up to something.
AL SNOW: It’s not stopping The Dark One. Dark One not taking any chances as he lifts Purgatory over his shoulder. Dark One just a few steps a way from becoming the new EWA Champion. Dark One….NO! PURGATORY REVERSES INTO A DDT BUT THEY WERE BOTH CLOSE TO THE END! PURGATORY AND THE DARK ONE BOTH GO DOWN! LOOK OUT! WHO HIT THE TABLE FIRST? The person who hit the table first is the new EWA Champion but who was it?
OMEGA: That’s why we got Hardcore Theater. Show the replay fuckers. Okay. There’s Punkatory and The Fucked One. Punk still got the DDT on. I’m looking at Punk’s arm and Fuck’s head because of the body contortion. GOD DAMN IT! THEY TOUCHED AT THE SAME TIME!
AL SNOW: You sure?
AL SNOW: They sure did. Now what?
OMEGA: First, the EWA Undisputed World Heavyweight Championship and now, this. What is it with 2005? Got no choice now.
AL SNOW: Omega motioning for Kitana and I guess she’s gonna make the announcement. One of these days, Kitana Baker will look bad.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been judged that both The Dark One and Purgatory both eliminated each other at the exact same time! Therefore, the vacated title will be decided between The Dark One and Purgatory next month!
OMEGA: In other words, weekly decisions move to the month too.
AL SNOW: Who will be the new EWA Champion? We will find out at NO CHANCE! Time is gone! We’re outta here!