England Bloody England
OMEGA: Fuckers everywhere bow down to your lord and master. You know who the hell I am. This piece of shit next to me is resident jobber Al Snow.
AL SNOW: But I don’t job anymore! Not as often as I did before!
OMEGA: I’ll fix that if ya push me. We’re here in London, England for what is, of course, England Bloody England. This pay per view marks the debut of three close friends in Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Dallas Page. Old farts invade England tonight. Thanks a bunch, Purg, all I can hear is the sound of wash up.
AL SNOW: Vertigo, Retro Playa, John Cena and the rest will most likely make sure things go pretty good. At least I hope so.
OMEGA: Hope my ass. You work for me and you abandon all hope on these nuts. They better get the job done or else. Enough with the jibber-jabber. God may save the queen but God better help the mothafuckahs testin’ my patience. Somebody get Kitana a workin’ mic. There ya go.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. First, coming to the ring, from Savage, Maryland, he is the Special Guest Referee….PURGATORY!
(“Let’s Get This Party Started” by KoRn begins to play throughout Stamford Bridge Stadium)
AL SNOW: Purgatory not wasting time making a brisk jog to the ring. I have the sudden urge for tea.
OMEGA: Do we really need a full freakin’ intro for some ref? Do we need you hintin’ Lipton?
AL SNOW: Shaka Riggs left the monthly high and dry with left Purgatory basically with nothing to do. He’s now the referee for what should be considered a competitive match.
OMEGA: Should be assuming that Cena and Playa don’t fuck up.
(“Basic Thuganomics” by John Cena plays throughout Stamford Bridge Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Making his way to the ring….from West Newberry, Massachusetts….JOHN CENA!
AL SNOW: John Cena….I don’t know what the deal with this guy is. He was on fire about a month or two ago and just looked to loose it.
OMEGA: That fucker lost it long ago when he thought his white-bread ass could be a rapper. Street Cred. Yeah, you got real street cred coming from fuckin’ West Newberry. Just get to the ring, jackass. No one wants to see you do the whole “I’m happy” bullshit.
AL SNOW: John Cena in the ring awaiting Retro here. Not rapping or anything. Just ready to wrestle.
OMEGA: Mothafuckah better off shuttin’ his fuckin’ mouth anyway.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry plays throughout Stamford Bridge Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: The Retro Playa coming down and still sporting the claw from Strange Days. He hasn’t taken that thing off yet as far as I can tell.
OMEGA: Fuckin’ Lone Jobber under the mask might as well just say he’s a Vega wanna be. Yeah, I heard yo fuckin’ comments. Here’s my response: yeah, there’s a guy behind me, Sid, Al and Purg. It’s the same guy. Can you admit that? No. As the bigger man in both life and wrestling, I say this: you have your place. You stay in that place and let gods like myself run the damn thing.
AL SNOW: Retro slid under the ring and he can’t move! Cena immediately stomping on the back of Retro’s head and stepping on the clawed arm of Retro! Retro trying to fight back but a one-armed man in an ass kicking contest can only do so much.
OMEGA: He wants to be like Vega so much he forgot that the fuckin’ claw’s attached to his forearm. Give it up for the Retro Idiot!
AL SNOW: Retro absorbing the blows to get the claw off of his arm.
OMEGA: It’s not like he has a choice. Lose the claw or lose consciousness enough for a three count to happen.
AL SNOW: Retro trying to make his way up and OOOHHH! A purposely executed low blow right in front of Purgatory who did not call for the bell.
OMEGA: He just kinda cringed like he got a set. Right. Make us all believers.
AL SNOW: Now Retro’s trying to pull the claw out of the mat.
OMEGA: If his dumb ass used the tri-claw instead of the old hook claw, it may not be stuck in there like it is now.
AL SNOW: Retro Playa so preoccupied with the claw, he’s forgotten about Cena. Cena’s getting back up. Hooks Retro and hits the ProtoPlex!
OMEGA: You actually remember that bullshit?
AL SNOW: Cena’s old finisher when he was Prototype still works. What’s he doing?
OMEGA: He’s wastin’ fuckin’ time is what he’s doin’.
AL SNOW: I agree. It was just one move but Cena seems cocky enough to go for the finish. He’s pumpin’ up the shoes.
OMEGA: This product endorsement of Reebok Pumps is brought to you by John Cena. Cena: Because no one should be that damn stupid. WE CAN SEE YOU AND YOU SUCK!
AL SNOW: Cena going for the….NO! Cena missing the Five Knuckle Shuffle!
OMEGA: Cartoon moves get treated with an ass kickin’. Why’s Cena all crouchin’ and shit? He ain’t got a set of balls.
AL SNOW: Retro with a retaliation low blow and he quickly followed up by hitting the Out With The Old on Cena right onto the claw!
OMEGA: He ain’t lettin’ go of Cena either.
AL SNOW: Retro powering Cena back up and into the corner. He’s got him up and….another shot to the groin with that suplex on the top rope!
OMEGA: Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?
AL SNOW: Retro may be going for the Cutting Edge here. He’s got Cena in position. CUTTING EDGE RIGHT ON THE CLAW!
OMEGA: He hooked him with the pin, too.
AL SNOW: Purgatory in position! 1! 2! 3! It’s over! Retro Playa wins!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by way of pinfall….THE RETRO PLAYA!
OMEGA: Why don’t he just do the backflip and arm raise to make his copyin’ ass official?
AL SNOW: The Retro Playa victorious here after capitalizing on the time wasted by John Cena here and Cena’s out. He hasn’t budged. Here come the EMT’s and Cena has not moved since being hit by the Cutting Edge. You don’t like to see these things happen in professional wrestling.
OMEGA: Speak for yoself. I love shit like this happenin’ to guys like Cena.
AL SNOW: They’re putting him in a neck brace and moving him onto the stretcher. We may have very well seen the last of Cena here.
OMEGA: Retro already left. So did Purgatory. As far as I’m concerned, we should be gettin’ to the next match already.
AL SNOW: What about John Cena?
OMEGA: WHAT FUCKIN’ ABOUT CENA? THAT PUNK ASS MOTHAFUCKAH AIN’T DO SHIT THIS MONTH! HE SHOULD BE GLAD I MADE SURE BOOKIN’ MADE HIM LOOK AT LEAST A LITTLE DECENT! HIS PUNK ASS IS VERTICAL ON THAT STRETCHER AND AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, IT’S WHERE HIS PUNK ASS BELONG! NEXT MATCH, KITANA! PLAY THE GOD DAMNED INTRO MUSIC ALREADY!
TORNADO TAG MOST BLOOD MATCH WRITTEN BY ROCKNSOCK5230. ANY ADDITIONS MADE BY ME
Kitana Baker: This next contest is Tornado Tag Team Match and is under Most Blood Rules…Your referee for the evening will be APRIL HUNTER!
(“Kronik” by WCW Productions plays as Kronik enters the arena…)
Kitana Baker: Introducing, team number one… Weighing in at a combined weight of 614 Pounds… Brian Clark and Brian Adams… KRONIK…
Mark: As Al Snow and Omega take a break from calling the action, myself and Rhino will pick up from where they left off…
Rhino: It feels odd sitting in someone else’s chair…
(“Break it Down” by WWE Productions plays as The Outsiders walk in to the arena…)
Kitana Baker: And their opponents… Representing Degeneration X… At a Combined Weight of 607 Pounds… Scott Hall and Kevin Nash… THE OUTSIDERS…
Mark: We have some big shoes to fill on the monthly side of things… But we are going to do our best right now as all four men are in the center of the ring…
Rhino: Scott Hall just threw the toothpick right in the face of Brian Clark…
Mark: Kevin Nash hammers Brian Adams with a couple of big forearm shots knocking the big man in to the corner now… Kevin Nash opens up and drives a few back elbows in to the head of Brian Adams…
Rhino: Scott Hall and Brian Clark are slugging it out in the middle of the ring…
Mark: Kevin Nash with an irish whip to Brian Adams sending him hard in to the farside corner…Kevin Nash charges in… Brian Adams moves out of the way and Kevin Nash goes crashing in to the corner…
Rhino: Brian Clark has Scott Hall up in the air…
Mark: Press Slam over the top rope by Brian Clark to Scott Hall sending him to the outside of the ring…
Rhino: Brian Adams just took Kevin Nash’s head off with a big clothesline…
Mark: On the outside of the ring Brian Clark picks up Scott Hall and drops him face first across the steel steps…
Rhino: Clark is now looking underneath the ring for something…
Mark: Brian Adams hooks up Kevin Nash and slams him straight down to the canvas…
Rhino: Scott Hall is staggering to get back up to his feet…
Mark: Steel Chair Shot right to the head of the Lone Wolf Scott Hall…
Rhino: What a chair shot… Mark:The chair shot has busted open Scott Hall… Rhino:Its not the first sign of blood that will lose this match up for someone… It will be a Crimson Mask…
Mark: Brian Clark throws a singapore cane in to the ring…
Rhino: Kevin Nash got to it before Brian Adams….
Mark: Adams turns around right in to a singapore cane shot from Kevin Nash…Nash with a couple of more repeated shots to the back of Brian Adams…
Rhino: He is really putting a whipping on Brian Adams…
Mark: From Behind Brian Clark nails Kevin Nash with a clothesline…
Rhino: Its now a double team on Kevin Nash…
Mark: Both members of Kronik whip Kevin Nash in to the ropes… Double Hot Shot on to the top rope by Kronik…
Rhino: Brian Clark now has a steel chair…
Mark: Kevin Nash staggers back up to his feet and he walks right in to a steel chair shot from Brian Clark…
Rhino: Did you hear that thud?
Mark: Yes I did Rhino…
Rhino: Kronik has basically taken total control of this match up…
Mark: Shots to the midsection with the chair to Kevin Nash…
Rhino: Scott Hall is back in the ring and he has a weapon…
Mark: Brian Adams turns right around and Scott Hall nails him right in the face with a barbed wire bat…
Rhino: He took his head off with that shot…
Mark: Scott Hall spins Brian Clark around and nails him right in the head as well with the barbed wire bat…
Rhino: Scott Hall has come in to the ring and busted both men open with the barbed wire bat…
Mark: Brian Adams is back up on his feet and Scott Hall now begins to open up on him with right hands… Spinning Right Hand by Scott Hall knocking down Brian Adams…
Rhino: Scott Hall is starting to feel it at the moment…
Mark: Brian Clark charges Scott Hall… Scott Hall ducks the clothesline and now opens up with right hands to Brian Clark…
Rhino: Kevin Nash is back up…
Mark: Nash now takes over as he whips Brian Clark in to the ropes… Big Boot by Kevin Nash to Brian Clark…
Rhino: Brian Adams is back up and spins Scott Hall around…
Mark: Chokeslam by Brian Adams to Scott Hall laying him out in the center of the ring…
Rhino: Nash is now grinding the barbed wire from the bat in to the head of Brian Clark…
Mark: Brian Adams has the steel chair…
Rhino: Nash does not know he is behind him…
Mark: Steel Chair Shot right to the head of Kevin Nash…
Rhino: Kevin Nash has been busted open from that chair shot…
Mark: Look at Brian Clark Rhino…
Rhino: He is really bleeding now…
Mark: Brian Clark’s face is turning in to a crimson mask…
Rhino: Scott Hall is losing a lot of blood as well…
Mark: Brian Adams now waits for Scott Hall to get back up on to his feet…
Rhino: Adams has the steel chair in hand…
Mark: Brian Adams swings the chair… Ducked by Scott Hall… And he opens up with right hands…
Rhino: Scott Hall grabs the chair…
Mark: Scott Hall lays out Brian Adams with the steel chair…
Rhino: What a shot…
Mark: Brian Clark is back up on his feet…
Rhino: Nash is up as well and he has the barbed wire bat…
Mark: Hall with a steel chair shot to the midsection… Nash swings and knocks out Brian Clark with the barbed wire bat…
Rhino: The referee is checking on Brian Clark as his face is completely covered in blood…
Mark: Nash begins digging at his head trying to get as much blood out of it as he can…
Rhino: This is a blood bath…
Mark: April Hunter has just stopped this match up…
Kitana Baker: Here are your winners KEVIN NASH and SCOTT HALL…THE OUTSIDERS…
Rhino: Well that was one hell of a blood bath…
Mark: All four men lost a lot of blood but the referee stopped the match up and awarded it to The Outsiders… That’s the cue for us to get up out of these seats as Al Snow and Omega want their chairs back…
AL SNOW: Thanks guys. Wasn’t that special, Omega?
OMEGA: Yeah. Special Ed.
AL SNOW: It’s now time for the main event. Straight from the mind of the Resident Psycho comes the London Bridge Is Falling Down Match. Essentially, it’s WCW’s version of a Scaffold Match with the platform lowering at three minute intervals to an unexpected number of feet.
OMEGA: Leave it to his ass to take yet another match and turn it into some kiddy song variation.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is your MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! The two contestants will stand upon the scaffold you see build in front of Hardcore Theater. It is the same scaffold made by World Championship Wrestling. The scaffold is 12 feet off the ground and now, we are being told that it will raise to the same level whenever it drops an unexpected number of feet every three minutes. To win, you must toss your opponent off the “bridge.” Your referee for the evening will be KIMBERLY FALKINGBURG!
(“Self High-Five” by WCW Productions plays throughout Stamford Bridge Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first….the challenger….from Point Pleasant, New Jersey….”DIAMOND” DALLAS PAGE!
AL SNOW: The fact that Page’s ex-wife is the referee in this match won’t distract him at all, will it Omega?
OMEGA: Hey, it’s former as in not the wife anymore. Dallas should ask somebody. Why did she want to divorce him anyway? Could it be that she got a hold of the biggest blacksnake on my green Earth?
AL SNOW: Dallas and Kimberly shaking hands as Dallas climbs up onto the bridge ready to compete for the EWA Championship of the World.
OMEGA: I’m gonna stop Purg bookin’ the title matches. Do every fuckin’ newcomer got to have a championship shot?
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Stamford Bridge Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And introducing his opponent….from Atlanta, Georgia….he is the EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD…..VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Vertigo’s basically been unstoppable in the past few months. Will DDP be the next one up?
OMEGA: You askin’ me?
AL SNOW: Well….yeah.
OMEGA: Hell yeah. I blame myself. I thought DDP would actually compete. Said he got time ate up. That’s why it’s a month. You could type one word a day and get something out at the end. Something is always better than nothing.
AL SNOW: Vertigo climbs up on the bridge and DDP nails a running forearm as Kimberly calls for the bell! The bridge starts to raise and Vertigo and DDP have begun this strange match. DDP mounted on Vertigo and punching away. Vertigo trying to cover up as the bridge slowly rises. DDP hammering away and now, the bridge looks to be 12 feet high just above Hardcore Theater. Three minutes counting down according to Hardcore Theater and it looks like DDP got kicked off there.
OMEGA: I didn’t spend money for crappy camera angles. I know you hear me back there.
AL SNOW: I can see them crystal clear on my monitor as Hardcore Theater counts down and now, Vertigo and DDP are exchanging punches.
OMEGA: Just because you heard me doesn’t mean your ass doesn’t suddenly belong to me anymore.
AL SNOW: DDP starting to get the upper hand. Huge discus punch knocks Vertigo down!
OMEGA: You mean flat on his bitch ass.
AL SNOW: Vertigo getting back up as DDP measures him. Another discus punch! No! Vertigo reverses into a back dr….NO! DDP kicks like he’s swimming and reverses! Diamond Cu….no! Vertigo pushes him off! Punched right where the neck meets the back! Russian Leg Sweep onto the bridge! We’re down to a minute less! Owth! I bith my tongh!
OMEGA: You mean there’s somethin’ to stop you from runnin’ yo mouth? Nah, you keep runnin’ that fucker anyway. These two ain’t worth my words.
AL SNOW: Vetito etin uk at EEE ith utin.
OMEGA: Time to translate on my end I guess. This mothafuckah here said Vertiblow is up and DDPiss is down.
AL SNOW: OOOOO! O Bo!
OMEGA: DDPiss got kicked in the nuts.
AL SNOW: Vertito with anothth kith! Thith time to the callth.
OMEGA: Everybody cheer because Al Snow is getting better.
AL SNOW: We are downth to 30 seconths ath….whatth that?
OMEGA: The London Bridge song, jackass.
AL SNOW: Vertigo trying to pick up DDP to toss him off with the Fear Factor off the bridge! London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down, MY FAIR LADY! There goes the time and there goes the bridge! HOLY….HOLY! THAT BRIDGE JUST DROPPED ALL 12 FEET! MY GOD! I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO DROP A FOOT OR TWO!
OMEGA: You thought wrong but what could I expect?
AL SNOW: DDP has got to be broken in half! Vertigo had him up for the Fear Factor, but the bridge dropped leaving DDP dropped right onto the bridge railing and….man….Both Vertigo and DDP are down. As fast as the bridge went down, it goes back up. Vertigo’s down grabbing his knees and neck in pain. DDP not moving at all.
OMEGA: Bullshit. Son bitch still breathin’ ain’t he?
AL SNOW: Just barely.
OMEGA: Then he’s movin’, fucker.
AL SNOW: The bridge slowly raises up as Vertigo and DDP are down from that crashing of the bridge. I’m surprised it can still go up after how it crashed into the staging area.
OMEGA: You really haven’t wrestled for me in a while, have you? Purg designs crap like this so if he wanted it to fuck up, he woulda made it that way.
AL SNOW: The bridge back up and so is Vertigo! Vertigo doing everything he can to pull himself up! DDP is still out but Vertigo muscling him up. Vertigo dumps him off the bridge! HOLY….DDP DROPS 12 FEET DOWN ONTO THE STAGING AREA ITSELF! HE WENT RIGHT THROUGH IT! Kimberly calls for the bell! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….AND STILL EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
OMEGA: So basically Vertiblow retains by dumping DDP like so much garbage. That area better not be gimmicked.
AL SNOW: Ladies and gentlemen, we will try to update you on the condition of DDP but we are out of time! Catch you next month!
OMEGA: Got enough time to say FUCK THE WORLD! IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!