OMEGA: What up? We’re not fuckin’ around this time. Ain’t no carefully scripted violence here. This shit here? It’s the fuckin’ war zone. Welcome to my neighborhood, mothafuckahs. Violence everywhere and you never know when you’ll catch a bullet. Would be just like home if it weren’t so fuckin’ dry and shit. What up? Memorial Day Salute-Tion. EWA Mothafuckin’ President Omega. Bow down or else. Decided to mix things up a bit. Got Al Yellow-Snow as the Special Guest Referee in the main event. I’ve taken over play-by-play leaving Color Commentating open. Why’d you have to take that spot?
SID: You don’t understand. These members of the Armed Forces are champions. That’s makes them the ones. That makes them the appreciated. That makes them the fighters of freedom.
OMEGA: Memorial Day Salute-Tion is small so lets stop the bullshit and let fine ass Kitana Baker in her bikini red, white and blue referee’s uniform take over.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Your referee for this match is Tylene “Major Gunns” Buck!
OMEGA: Tylene as Gunns one more time to give the soldiers here some eye candy camouflage style.
(“Basic Thugonomics” by John Cena plays throughout National Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: Now coming down to the ring….making his EWA debut….from West Newberry, Massachusetts….JOHN CENA!
OMEGA: Here comes fake ass Eminem. The “I wanna be like Vanilla Ice” mothafuckah. John Cenarita bringin’ his punk ass down and now, we got two mothafuckas in the EWA who think they can rap.
SID: Individuals and how they embrace feeling around the form of poetry tracing its way to the war that is fought on streets all the time.
OMEGA: Yeah, what you said. This mothafuckah grew up in fuckin’ West Newberry. Massachusetts of all states, man. The only streets he knows about are the ones he heard about from the rappers he listened to. Try growin’ up on ’em jackass. That’s why you almost fuckin’ tripped comin’ into the ring.
(“Are You Ready For This?” by EWA Productions plays throughout National Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent….from Denver, Colorado….DRAGON!
OMEGA: The guy with the major malfunction comin’ down. Drag-On came onto the monthly and he was breathin’ fire for a minute. All the sudden, he goes MIA. Now, he can barely make his way down.
SID: Life eats and eats away until you are a mere skeleton. Look upon your skeletal remains and weep.
OMEGA: Say what? The bell rings and oh shit! Cenarita’s beatin’ the shit outta Drag-On with that stupid fuckin’ bike chain he keeps around his neck.
SID: Dragon never got a chance to even get into the ring well.
OMEGA: You just said somethin’ that made sense. Drag-On’s busted open and the blood’s pourin’. Big right chain-wrapped hand sends Drag-On….Fuck You? Cenarita’s already got Drag-On in the Fuck You Remix and he dumps his punk ass on the mat! Cenarita’s got a cover. Buck’s in position. 1! 2! 3! And just like that, Drag-On goes from blowin’ fire to just blowin’!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….JOHN CENA!
SID: For a man who refers to himself as doctor, he did not treat Dragon well.
OMEGA: It’s wrestlin’, jackass. Cenarita treated Drag-On like he should be treated and that’s to an ass whippin’. What the hell? I don’t wanna hear no slow ass rap.
JOHN CENA: YO, YO, YO! It’s hella good for John Cena to come back here to Baghdad! Dragon just got his ass whipped and he got it whipped bad! Air Force, Marines, Navy and the Army? Hell no, Dragon was ever gonna harm me! I mean he comes in here doin’ all these tricks with fire. When it came down to it, he was callin’ me sire! So what’s been up since the last time I’ve come here? Ain’t nothin’ gonna change the fact that we kicked Saddam’s rear! I know we still got some problems goin’. Peace ain’t never easy and it’s gonna be somethin’ that’s showin’. Once again, it’s an honor to perform in front of ya’ll here. You don’t know how much we appreciate you and I can never make that clear. This day is to remember those who have already got that pass. For ya’ll? It’s almost time to come home so just keep on kickin’ terrorist ass! WORD LIFE!
OMEGA: Cenarita happy to be here. Can’t say that I share in the fuckin’ warmth.
SID: How could you not be happy to be here?
OMEGA: I live the real fuckin’ American War. I live on the streets of the murder capital of the fuckin’ world, man. There’s no honor there, just a “I hope I don’t catch a stray or purposely aimed bullet” mentality. Ain’t no faction worship or soldiers, it’s just man or woman survivin’. That’s why I’m not quick to jump on the honor bandwagon. All these mothafuckahs here made a career choice to put their lives on the line. Where I come from, it’s no career choice and you don’t get paid if you live. It’s a way of live and the only pay you get is the fact you got lucky and lived through the day.
OMEGA: Believe it, man. It’s like that. You have no idea and the reason why you don’t is because our wars aren’t glorified. I’m gettin’ too deep into my life. Cenarita and Drag-On have left. Time for the next match.
(“American Made” plays throughout the National Stadium)
OMEGA: What the fuck? Jimmy Hart here or somethin’? Hey, it’s Hogan! Didn’t this guy beat you one time?
SID: He did. I have no problem admitting to that.
OMEGA: Has-Been Hogan making his way down to the ring and the soldiers here are goin’ nuts. Feels like the ’80s and shit. Where’s my radio? I hear Run-DMC is gonna come on soon with “Rock Box.” Gimme my thick-ass gold chain. Yeah. Hogan chants everywhere. Come on, man, I know you’re all choked up but we got an event to get to here.
HULK HOGAN: You know what, brothers? As much as I appreciate that, with all due respect, you’re chanting the wrong thing! Let me tell you what we should be chanting here! USA! USA!
SID: Hogan showing that he has not lost his affect on a crowd.
HULK HOGAN: That’s more like it, brothers! You know something Hulkamaniacs? The Hulkster’s got some good news! I just found out that you can never be too old to get extreme and by that, the Hulkster has just signed a contract and will debut with the monthly crew so WHAT ‘CHU GONNA DO?
OMEGA: Guess that’s good news to somebody. Man, what the fuck now?
(“Be A Man” by Randy Savage plays throughout National Stadium)
SID: Another legendary figure approaches.
OMEGA: Brandy Savage has been….There’s somethin’ that has a double meanin’….has been callin’ out Has-Been Hogan and even made it public with his shitty rap album. Maybe he can cut this promo better than the tracks on his album.
RANDY SAVAGE: OOOOOOHHHHHH YEAH! Hulk Hogan! The Macho Man’s been callin’ you out and callin’ you out and now you show up? No wonder you wear red and yellow. The red is the embarrassment of being afraid of the Macho Man and the yellow’s for the streak up your back, YEAH!
OMEGA: Yeah Has-Been Hogan, why you ain’t fuckin’ answer the call out?
HULK HOGAN: Let me tell ya somethin’, brother! The Hulkster has heard you callin’ him out and you know somethin’? I ignored it. The Hulkster had done a lot of things in his career and I tell you this, Macho, I’ve already been there and done that with you! The truth is I don’t answer the obvious “wrestle me for the big buy rate,” brother! You want to fight? What about The Retro Playa tonight? Isn’t he your opponent?
RANDY SAVAGE: The Macho Man knows that he has to face Playa tonight and ooooooohhhhhhh yeah, he knows that against this playa, he doesn’t stand a chance! The only thing I see is a fish that I’ve been wanting to fry for a long time and I’m ready to let these troops smell what the Mach is cookin’! Gimme a OOOOOOHHHHHH YEAH!
HULK HOGAN: Well, you know something Savage, while your here stealing catch-phrases and wanting to fight someone who isn’t your opponent, I think you might want to pay attention to what’s at hand and if you don’t….
OMEGA: Retro Pussy’s behind ya, bitch! Too late! You got dropped!
HULK HOGAN: Something like that might happen.
SID: Rage leads to blindness and that blindness has a large population of those waiting to take advantage of it.
OMEGA: You talk like that and Retro Pussy is whippin’ Brandy’s ass right now. Look at this. Has-Been Hogan’s the ref. I really didn’t know that was gonna happen. Brandy Savage got snapped by that back drop that Pussy picked up while becoming the Vega character last PPV. Snapped him right into the ropes too. Brandy’s punk ass has got to be out. His old bones can’t take a move like that. Pussy’s got him up. There’s that fuckin’ fart move.
SID: I believe he calls it the Cutting Edge.
OMEGA: Whatever. Retro Pussy’s got the cover. Has-Been Hogan’s in position. 1! 2! 3! Brandy’s a fuckin’ loser ’cause he can’t pay attention!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner….THE RETRO PLAYA!
OMEGA: Pussy makes short work of Brandy Savage and the little fuck deserved it. Up here in Baghdad ignoring his opponent.
SID: Pain is often the price paid when ignorance is displayed.
OMEGA: Yeah? How come I always get fuckin’ dumb commentators displayed? Why do I get shitty old men like Brandy Savage and their rotting carcasses displayed? Get that piece of crap out of the ring. Fuck! What now? Who’s fuckin’ with Hardcore Theater?
It was supposed to just be this….
And then this….
But why separate when you can combine? Amalgam power activate! Form of….
In 1938 (sounds a bit too long ago), a mysterious Space Rocket crash landed on Earth. The U.S. Government opened the craft and found nothing but a baby’s corpse inside. (Creepy!) Cellular samples were taken from the corpse and added to the Super-Soldier formula, a secret serum being developed by the U.S. government in an attempt to create the perfect World War II soldier. Clark “Purgatory” Rogers, a volunteer candidate, was chosen and eventually injected with the formula and exposed to a massive jolt of solar radiation, turning him into Super-Soldier! With superhuman strength and hearing, heat vision, the ability to fly and other various powers, Super-Soldier almost won World War II for the Allies single-handedly. Unfortunately, Super-Soldier fell into the North Atlantic Ocean while battling the force known as Time Killer. Presumed dead by the world, Super-Soldier was actually in a state of suspended animation. During this time, a second hero calling himself Super-Soldier, using the costume of the original, operated as a hero before his increasingly unbalanced mental state resulted in his capture and restraint by government forces.
The original Super-Soldier was discovered and thawed out after 50 years by future members of the Extreme Wrestling: Alliance. Super-Soldier now battles crime and wrestlers in the present….
Instead of some long, drawn-out scene, I’ll be short and straightforward. No real need for character or match development. This was supposed to be something grand; an adventure featuring myself battling against a force that America deals with daily. You see, as a people, we all do battle with certain things. As part of the production team of EWA Monthly, I headed into a battle that is receiving most of our attention. In this month, we are in a war-ravaged land: Baghdad, Iraq. As so often informed by our president, we are supposedly engaged there to free a people. As so often informed by the media, people seemed to think that they are as free as they feel despite what we define as freedom. I supposed I should exercise my right to be dissatisfied. America is supposed to show a great example to all. Dragon, Savage and The Undertaker are showing what many accuse us of; laziness. I went into Baghdad listening to these accusations plus hearing a lot of Americans hate their own country and most have not left their country let alone state. I listen to all this and I realize something; if you tolerate all this, you are a real American. Americans tolerate things like no other nationality. Am I sure about that? We tolerate more than the Japanese? More than the English? More than the French? We do. Why? Because unlike the previously mentioned peoples, Americans can say one thing that is always the cure-all; I Don’t Give A Damn. Americans care about lots of things but each American has a lot of their own problems to deal with. Go ahead. Say what you want. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. This is the way we feel. As war is waged in Baghdad, the Americans continue to fight. Fight for what? Because we’re told to? Because it’s our duty? No. Because every single American feels he or see can do something to make a difference. Say what you will. Nothing will destroy the feeling of trying to do. It’s our core of what we are. I’ve tried to come at this as a patriotic symbol. I’ve tried to be the shining light of hope. The truth is no matter how much hatred or unrest lies in the world, every person becomes a Super Soldier to battle against it. On this Memorial Day, the Salute-tion is told. We’re providing warriors with our war to try to boost their morale. Give them a show that they can’t normally see due to extenuating circumstances. We come to Baghdad to offer our thanks and support to those who are really living to the extreme. Not as some entertainers or others not having a choice. You, our soldiers, are fighting terror; a formidable foe. They might be terror and see us as terror but we’re Americans and the ones fighting terror on more levels that anyone could understand. With that said, give ’em one of these!
FIST TO THE JAW!
Purgatory pops onto the month after May!
SID: Now Purgatory is coming to the monthly.
OMEGA: And just like that, my life gets that much more fucked. Bring it on. I break my foot up the ass of tough life. The four poles have been see. American flags waivin’ and shit on each one. Time for the God damned main event.
KITANA BAKER: The following contest is the main event of the evening! This is the Four Corners Flag Match. American Flags are hung by poles above each ring post. Claim all four flags to win the match. You can claim the flags your opponent has unhooked when the opportunity presents itself. Your special guest referee for this contest is AL SNOW!
(“American Bad Ass” by Kid Rock plays throughout National Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the challenger….from Death Valley….THE UNDERTAKER!
OMEGA: Underweartaker once again revertin’ to an old gimmick to honor the fuckers in service here. He’s comin’ down ridin’ the POW-MIA bike the Orange County Choppers made. Guess it’s on loan. It’s gettin’ a bigger pop than fuckin’ Underweartaker.
SID: He seems to be in a hurry.
OMEGA: He can’t handle the power. What the….I see.
SID: What do you see?
OMEGA: I see Underweartaker’s punk ass not waitin’ fo some shit ass bell and usin’ the height advantage he has to grab the flags before Verti-blow even gets to the ring. He’s up tryin’ to tie one off now.
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout the National Stadium)
KITANA BAKER: And his opponent….from Atlanta, Georgia….he is the EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
SID: Vertigo is not alone.
OMEGA: Verti-blow’s comin’ with some steel. Underweartaker too occupied with the flag to even notice. He’s looking over. Verti-blow slides in and comes charging. Underweartaker with the boot shot kicks the chair from mid-turnbuckle! The only thing the chair hit was Underweartaker’s bum ass foot connected to the rest of his broken down body. Underweartaker kicks Verti-blow in the face with his other bum foot. Now Verti-blow won’t be offering any of his usual asking of blow jobs when the card ends. Underweartaker takes the chair off. Has Verti-blow all lined up. Huge chair shot and Verti-blow falls into what he really is; a pile of shit!
SID: A man who has the tools and uses those tools to take apart a wrestler. The Undertaker is extremely gifted. Who else could take my place alongside Dan Spivey as a part of the Twin Towers?
OMEGA: Two words you shouldn’t say here unless you want one of the patrollin’ BlackHawks to drop a bomb on yo ass. Verti-blow’s a pile of shit in the ring and right now, Underweartaker lays the chair flat. Last Ride or Tombstone? Soldiers want the Tombstone.
SID: That is what they are chanting. The only place where chants can lead you to action.
OMEGA: And that’s why I’m doin’ all the talkin’. Underweartaker picks up the trash. He’s got ’em hooked. There’s the Tombstone! Into the chair for that extra little “oomph.”
SID: The Undertaker goes for the kill quickly.
OMEGA: And you’ve stopped blurtin’ out complete nonsense. Underweartaker’s on the move. He’s moving to the corner he was at last. Climbs it. Easily unhooks the American Flag he was working on. Underweartaker moving on. Climbs up again. He’s got another flag unhooked. Underweartaker’s on a roll and is beatin’ the hell outta Verti-blow in Capture The Flag. Underweartaker now moving on to another flag. You see that shit?
SID: Vertigo is not only up, but faking Undertaker to be still out.
OMEGA: Al Yellow-Snow has stayed completely out the match. Verti-blow’s up, dumb ass! Do somethin’! Ah, he can’t hear me. Underweartaker climbing the turnbuckle and Verti-blow gets up. Underweartaker has no idea. Verti-blow sets the chair up in the open position near the turnbuckle wear Underweartaker is having a little difficulty unhooking that third flag. Verti-blow slides under! He’s tryin’ to Fear Factor Underweartaker onto the open chair! Taker’s punk ass holdin’ on fo dead afterlife! FEAR FACTOR INTO THE OPEN CHAIR! We got a fuckin’ broken up zombie in the ring!
SID: In the process, The Undertaker grabbed that flag down.
OMEGA: Look a this shit. Underweartaker’s all broken up and the crimson mask wearin’ Verti-blow’s taken all of the Underweartaker’s flags. He’s got three flags just like that!
SID: Just like you to change the rules. Instead of having to go to his corner to put the flags there, all he has to do is unhook the final flag to win.
OMEGA: Anything to help out the dumb asses here. Verti-blow’s got one more flag to unhook to retain. Verti-blow a bit woozy as he approaches the final flag. He climbs the ropes. He unhooks the flag! Al Yellow-Snow signals for the bell and Verti-blow retains water like a pregnant ho!
KITANA BAKER: HERE IS YOUR WINNER….AND STILL EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
OMEGA: Verti-blow once again keepin’ the EWA Championship and now he’s celebratin’ in the corner and shit waivin’ all four flags while the title hands around his neck. No need to hang around this neighborhood anymore. Time to not make a career choice and just try to protect myself just by livin’ where I live and fight America’s real war. This is Omega….
SID: And this is the man….the master….and the ruler….of the world….
OMEGA: And this shit is done ’cause I don’t feel like listenin’ to yo punk ass no mo. See ya’ll next month.