AL SNOW: Buenos dias! Welcome to the latin south known as the land of Mexico! I’m Al Snow and beside me is my partner in commentating crime, Purgatory! Tonight, we come to you from Monterey as we bring you SHOWDOWN!
PURGATORY: Partner in commentating crime?
AL SNOW: All matches take place inside a bullfighter’s ring as we can look down and see the bulls inside their pins and the ring has been faithfully built.
PURGATORY: No ropes. No turnbuckles. Just a round ring of dirt and you can bet it’s going to factor into strategy tonight. Hey! I get to introduce Kitana Baker doing the announcements! HAHAHAHAHA! You lose out, Al!
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. The special guest referee for all of tonight’s matches is RAFAEL ORTEGA!
(“Suicidal Maniac” by Suicidal Tendencies plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, from parts unknown….CRAZED MANIAC!
AL SNOW: Crazed Maniac’s attempting to return to wrestling and he takes a huge step as he faces The Dark One here. The Dark One was placed in singles action this go around and one has to wonder if it’s gonna lead somewhere. Our special referee on the other hand has seen his share of bullfighting and tonight, he sees the EWA bulls lock horns.
PURGATORY: Maybe Omega just felt like putting him one on one against one another.
AL SNOW: Whatever the case, Maniac better be ready as he is going head up against one of the monthly’s major superstars.
PURGATORY: I don’t know. I got a feeling that this night is going to be one-sided mostly.
(“The Druid” by Sleep plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the challenger, from Salisbury Plain, England….THE DARK ONE!
AL SNOW: Here comes The Dark One and he’s got some new music.
PURGATORY: Did I hear that right? Evil? Druid?
AL SNOW: The Dark One treasures who he is and who doesn’t like an insane druid?
PURGATORY: Maniac don’t like no insane druid. He’s trying to imprint his boot into Dark One’s head.
AL SNOW: As you know, there was no bell as the match basically began with that first hit. The Dark One got a bit distracted and didn’t see that Yakuza Kick. Maniac now on the offensive and pounding away with some mounted punches. The Dark One trying to cover up but can’t do too much. Maniac swinging away with everything.
PURGATORY: No good. He’s wasting way too much energy too early. Ortega staying out of the way. His only job to count to three or declare the knockout or tap out.
AL SNOW: The Dark One managed to get Maniac off him and gets to his feet but Maniac right back on him firing away with forearms and fist.
PURGATORY: Maniac is gonna tire himself out. He’s not even attempting to do any wrestling.
AL SNOW: The Dark One lands a kick to the ribs and punches Crazed Maniac right in his neck. Maniac backs off. The Dark One with a low blow, picks up Maniac and drives him right into the dirt with an Implant DDT!
PURGATORY: Perfectly executed too. Maniac has gone from storm to dry spell because he’s struggling to get to his feet.
AL SNOW: The Dark One waiting for Maniac to get up as Maniac bleeds from the mouth. Hooks him in a double arm wrench AND THAT QUICK, NAILS THE DARK CALLING! Is this thing over already? The Dark One going for the cover! 1! 2! 3! It’s over! Holy shit!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by way of pinfall….THE DARK ONE!
PURGATORY: Talk about your….aw man!
AL SNOW: What?
PURGATORY: Feels like my ass is gonna explode!
AL SNOW: I told you not to eat that burrito!
PURGATORY: GANGWAY! BAD BURRITO BOOST TO THE BATHROOM!
The Retro Playa Vs. Berserk
results written by email@example.com
Edits and additions done by me
AL SNOW: Well, I guess when nature calls. Who’s going to be calling the….is that Mick and Terry? Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Foley and Terry Funk are coming down here and I guess I have a couple of guest commentators! Mick! Terry! Long time no see!
TERRY FUNK: It’s good to be here, Al.
MICK FOLEY: Now, everyone here can listen to guys who are truly hardcore with a capital H….and Al Snow.
AL SNOW: Ha ha. Very funny. Kitana, take it away.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall.
(“I Am A Viking” by Yngwie Malmsteen plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, from Manhattan, Illinois….BERSERK!
AL SNOW: Berserk making a rare singles appearance as well. He’s got a tough hand to deal with in the form of The Retro Playa.
TERRY FUNK: I think I saw this guy in the WWE once.
MICK FOLEY: Wrong guy, Terry.
AL SNOW: Berserk looks….I don’t know. I guess he’s ready. He better be.
(“Play That Funky Music” by Cherry Wild plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the challenger, from Chicago, Illinois….THE RETRO PLAYA!
AL SNOW: The Retro Playa also trying a comeback here as he faces Berserk here and I would give the advantage to him since he’s more use to singles wrestling.
TERRY FUNK: I think I saw this guy in a video game.
MICK FOLEY: Again, wrong guy.
Al Snow: Berserk and Retro Playa about to be face to face center of the bull fighting ring!
Mick: Retro with those claws goes to swing! Berserk caught the claw and big boot and down goes Retro Playa. Berserk rips the claws off and throws them away. Berserk has him by the hair, he swings that big arm like an ax across the back!
Terry: HUSS…HUSSSS! Hahahaha! That guy use to kill me.
Al Snow: Guys, this is really great to be sitting here with you.
Mick: Berserk was stomping away at Retro and now he steps on Retro and begins to play to the crowd.
Terry: Yeah, same here Al…too bad its not.
Mick: Berserk now picks up Retro and gorilla presses him and throws him into the sides of the Bull Ring!
Al: Retro needs to make a move! He’s being destroyed! Retro is up and Berserk comes in charging!
Terry: He heard you, Al.
Mick: Retro jumps up on the railing and moonsault off the railing and Berserk caught HIM!
Al: Not good as Berserk rams him into the railing as Retro now holding his back rolling around.
Terry: Is Berserk the Bull and Retro the Fighter?
Mick: Sounds good to me, Terry. Berserk with a stiff kick to the ribs.
Al: Berserk just playing with him now as he gives a kick to face and another.
Terry: That’s a mistake. You need stay on him.
Mick: Right. Again, he’s looking up to the Norse God’s asking if its time! He stomps his foot as dirt kicks up.
Al: I think where getting ready to see Sever Soul …Retro dodges IT! Dropkick to the Knee of Berserk! Another as Berserk holding that leg.
Terry: Retro scrambles for his claws as he jumps up on the railing and lunges at berserk!
Mick: He connects with Berserk right between the eyes! As blood just shot out of the forehead of Berserk.
Al: Crimson mask! Berserk not happy…Retro is trying to get the claws on for better attack!
Mick: Berserk now going BERZERKER! Runs in a gives a boot to the face of Retro and he drops the claws!
Terry: Berserk now throwing Retro Playa around like a sack shit! This guys lost it…is this the lost son of Berserker? I use to really like that guy. Win or lose, it didn’t matter! He just wanted hurt people! (Mick and Al both look over to Terry)
Mick: Berserk charging head down like a mad bull! Retro jumps leapfrog as Berserk rams the railing hard!
Al: Still on his feet Berserk staggering around Retro throws dirt in the face of Berserk and gets his claws.
Terry: Not good for Berserk!
Mick: Retro has them on and slashes Berserk in the back. Now, on the legs Berserk blindly swinging that mix of blood and dirt is now mud!
Terry: We all know that feeling. Retro more like an assassin right now!
Al: Across the chest and Retro Playa now enjoying this. Berserk bleeding like crazy. Retro goes in for a hook and nails a Northern Lights Suplex! Ortega in position! 1! 2! 3! Over! The Retro Playa bounces back in a big way!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by way of pinfall….THE RETRO PLAYA!
TERRY FUNK: OLE!
MICK FOLEY: Looks like a pretty good homecoming for Retro, huh?
AL SNOW: Retro Playa’s not from….oh yeah. Spanish Bullfighter gimmick. The Retro Playa leaves Berserk lying in the dust as we get set for our first of two championship matches tonight.
TERRY FUNK: Purg’s coming back.
MICK FOLEY: HE’S ARMED WITH PEPTO BISMOL! That’s the most hardcore weapon I’ve ever seen!
AL SNOW: I guess he’s gonna finish this event up.
TERRY FUNK: No problem. Leaves me free for Tequila and hot Mexican women!
MICK FOLEY: Well Al, it’s been a blast. I gotta go be Terry’s guardian angel but more than that, his designated driver. See you later.
AL SNOW: Mick Foley and Terry Funk, everyone. True hardcore legends. Looks like they’re asking Purg if he’s okay and he gives the thumbs up. They return it. Purgatory coming back down. You okay, buddy?
PURGATORY: Ugh….can we please cut to Kitana?
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a Tornado Tag Team Match for the EWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!
(“What A Rush!” by WWE Productions plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, the challengers; ANIMAL AND HEIDENREICH; THE LEGION OF DOOM!
AL SNOW: The newest incarnation of The Legion Of Doom making their way into this arena and they are getting a HUGE OVATION!
PURGATORY: It just gives you an idea of how global LOD is as they are welcomed in the word of Tazz; GI-NORMOUS!
AL SNOW: Animal and the man he took under his watch as a fellow teammate we know as Heidenreich are all set to take on Rob Van Dam and Justin Credible for the EWA Tag Team Championship and speaking of that very championship, what do you think of the attempted spit of the EWA Tag Team Championships and the unrecognized EWA World Heavyweight Tag Team Championship?
PURGATORY: I’d be all day talking about that so I’m not gonna touch on it. I’m just going to enjoy this match and call it.
(“This Is Extreme” by Harry Slash And The Slashtones plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the champions; they are JUSTIN CREDIBLE AND ROB VAN DAM!
AL SNOW: I really didn’t expect this.
PURGATORY: Me neither. They say the music makes the man and sometimes, the right song can make you feel invincible. I guess RVD and Justin needed to feel a certain way so they came in here with the ECW theme going hard.
AL SNOW: And speaking of going hard, all four men pretty much wailing away at each other here as the match starts! It’s an old fashioned street fight except it’s in a bullfighting ring!
PURGATORY: The LAST THING RVD and Justin Credible want is this. RVD might know karate but Animal knows Chicago Street fighting. That means RVD’s fixing to get an education.
AL SNOW: If that’s the case, we can see because RVD and Animal have paired off while Heidenreich and Justin Credible have paired off.
PURGATORY: It’s pretty much split into two singles matches and now, RVD and Animal are going toe to toe but Credible and Heidenreich on the other hand is one-sided with Heidenreich dominating Credible.
AL SNOW: Heidenreich has been impressive to say the least since entering the EWA and now, he’s showing why he earned everything he got literally beating the snot out of Credible.
PURGATORY: RVD has Animal reeling. All he can do is cover up and hold himself up on the outer wall of this ring here as RVD is picking him apart with some well placed kicks.
AL SNOW: Justin just smashed a handful of dirt into the eyes of Heidenreich and now is serving up a couple of right hands to go along with it. Really nice right hand on the money and OOOOHHHH! Picture perfect superkick to the jaw of Heidenreich and Heidenreich is down!
PURGATORY: What is it about the month and their ability to overmatch any weekly wrestler?
AL SNOW: Justin Credible reaching around with a headlock and on the other side of the ring, RVD still kicking away at Animal. The tag team champions dominant right now and that changed with that short shoulder block to RVD’s gut. Another! And another! RVD reeling. Animal with a scoop up and he hits his trademark powerslam!
PURGATORY: Just like that, this thing could be over!
AL SNOW: Animal with a cover! 1! 2! Justin Credible with the save!
PURGATORY: He came out of nowhere.
AL SNOW: Justin hammering away at Animal trying to keep him down. Ow! Animal with a shoulderblock to Justin’s jaw and WWWOOOOOAAAHHHH! Got a Heidenreich Power Dunk for his troubles!
PURGATORY: Legion Of Doom rolling over RVD and Credible! How do you chant “LOD” in Spanish?
AL SNOW: Animal giving the signal for The Doomsday Device and Heidenreich starting to climb the outer wall out of this bullfighting ring. Animal picking RVD up on his shoulders. They hit this and we got new champs.
PURGATORY: Justin Credible bleeding from the mouth and still down from Heidenreich’s Power Dunk. Heidenreich poised on top the wall! RVD needs to think fast!
AL SNOW: Heidenreich takes flight. MISSES! RVD with a duck and roll up! Cover! Ortega in position! 1! 2! 3! It’s over!
KITANA BAKER: Here are your winners via pin fall and still EWA Tag Team Champions…..ROB VAN DAM AND JUSTIN CREDIBLE!
PURGATORY: Talk about pulling one out of nowhere!
AL SNOW: Rob Van Dam and Justin Credible pulling off somewhat of an upset against one of the greatest tag team wrestlers of all time. You can see the look on Animal’s face. He doesn’t believe what happened but nevertheless, he just got pinned.
PURGATORY: Heidenreich on the ground in some pain and RVD and Credible heading out of here. You got to wonder if it’s skill or luck because the last time RVD faced Animal and a partner? He won. I’ll probably get an earful of Van Dam but even he’s got to be like “what?”
AL SNOW: And now as the men leave the ring, we are set for the main event as John Bradshaw Layfield makes his debut on the month as he faces current EWA Champion Vertigo.
PURGATORY: There’s not much to say left except cut to Kitana.
KITANA BAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the EWA CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!
(“Longhorn” by WWE Productions plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: Introducing first, the challenger, from New York City….JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD!
AL SNOW: Can you drive a….yeah, here he comes. JBL making his trademark limo entrance as he’s showered by boos.
PURGATORY: Why am I missing old steak houses like “Ponderosa?” I miss Ponderosa. Damn it, now I want some steak.
AL SNOW: JBL with the huge grin on his face as he waves to the people of Monterey ready to compete in the main event.
PURGATORY: Ccccchhhhheeeeesssssseeeee! Now, I’m getting flashes of the “Orbitz” commercial. Fabulous!
(“Sober” by Tool plays throughout Arena Monterey)
KITANA BAKER: And now, introducing the champion, from Atlanta, Georgia….VERTIGO!
AL SNOW: Vertigo with another first time debuting athlete to take on. This time, it’s JBL.
PURGATORY: Vertigo looks ready to go. To hell with wasting time. Crap. JBL has a mic.
AL SNOW: I guess JBL has something to say.
JBL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Vertigo, now before you get your undies in a bunch, there’s something I got to say in front of all these people here in Monterey, Mexico! Being a proud New Yorker and proud American, I can say here and now that if I had my way, I’d shoot each and every one of you worthless Mexicans here tonight! You people are always illegally crossing the border and stealing the jobs of Americans! I say it’s time that it stops and it would stop of the problem was killed at the source! You people are too lazy to get it done here in your own homes so you got to come to the land of the free and the home of the brave and take opportunities illegally from right under our noses! Why don’t you wetbacks stay where you belong? I got every right to take my hunting rifle out and pull a bullet in one of the biggest causes of American misery in our history! You people shut up when I’m talking! You’re just jealous!
PURGATORY: This is Purgatory with my golf call of the night. I silently let you all know that Vertigo just got a bat from someone in the crowd.
AL SNOW: JBL has no idea!
JBL: Jealous because I’m JBL! JEALOUS BECAUSE I AM A WRESTLING….
PURGATORY: GOD DAMN!
AL SNOW: Vertigo just nailed JBL with that baseball bat!
PURGATORY: Welcome to extreme, biatch! Where’s Verti….oh. Wants to do some work on that car and I don’t mean repair.
AL SNOW: Vertigo smashing the limo up and JBL’s gotta be pissed!
PURGATORY: Well he would be if he were conscious. The driver got his ass out of there quick. Where’s the cabinet when you need them? BREAK IT!
AL SNOW: As unbelievable as it sounds, JBL is staggering to his feet. What’s Vertigo doing now?
PURGATORY: Breaking the horns off of JBL’s hood and tying them to his head. Creative use of a wrestling shirt if I’ve ever seen it.
AL SNOW: Yeah, but why? Why is he….oh. I get it. JBL staggering up. No idea where he is. THERE IT IS!
PURGATORY: GORE! GORE! GORE!
AL SNOW: Vertigo with those horns right to the gut of JBL and with a cover! Ortega is there! 1! 2! 3! Vertigo retains!
KITANA BAKER: Here is your winner by pinfall and still EWA CHAMPION OF THE WORLD….VERTIGO!
PURGATORY: Vertigo with a real gore retains his title and he is wasting no time celebrating with Tequila!
AL SNOW: We have little time so we’ll see you next time from the monthly and weekly combo EWA tradition we know as HALLOWEEN HELLRAISER! See you next month!